Each moment I keep moving, writing, talking and don’t shut down… is a victory right now. Its something miraculous because I could oh, so very easily just stop everything. Turn to stone. Close down. Lie in bed and not get up.
A war against inertia is on ladies and gents… I’m winning, just.
The gaping wound in my chest is still there. The sensations keep changing. Expanded. Contracted. Heavy, moving through quicksand, then light as a feather. I ache, I bleed thick dark blood, my bruises on display once more. Weakness and strength. Then a little peace. I’m numb and sad. I’m as insanely furious as Kali’s avenging dakinis. I’m still, not moving. I’m very tired yet I can’t sleep. I can’t cook for myself either. Mostly I feel weak and sick.
I need more hugs than its reasonable to ask for.
The pain – caught between my heart and my throat – bounces back and forth, trying for release every now and then. As it hits my throat I start to cough and choke, my voice grows deeper and more controlled. There’s fear there, too.
I was so sure this stuff was over. I went to Thailand in July, having worked my ass off in therapy for several months. Then, during sublime weeks spent in the wilds of Issan, hit rock bottom (more on this another time). I thought I’d burned the remaining pain away completely. But perhaps I just paved the way to open further? Reach deeper?
Certainly feels that way.
As hurt and messed up as I feel right now, as incapable as I am of doing much more than keeping life support functions operational, I’m glad of it all.
I grew up in a family that believes in taking painkillers for everything – just to take the edge off – so the refrain goes. As I got older, I refused. Personally I like my kidneys and liver. But also, as a sports person, as a martial artist, and then as a yogini, I like knowing what my body is doing. I rely on the feedback so I know when its okay to push and when I really need rest.
Pain is information, not something to be feared (so says my wise Self). Sure, its incredibly uncomfortable but pain tells you what you need to know – if you’ll only listen.
I have tonight and tomorrow to get through before I see my therapist, H. We work well together, H and I. She talks, I reflect. She helps me locate the loose thread on the spool so I can start unwinding that which binds.
I don’t expect though, that as of tomorrow night all will be well again. But it is all systems go – I’m throwing everything I’ve got at this attempted re-invasion.
I have numerous yoga and meditation practices. I’m walking everywhere (feeling my heart pulsing as I wander a-pace!). I have fire puja (ceremony) and the miracle vibrational qualities of mantra. I have self-awareness and knowledge that allows me to see the bigger picture.
I’m exhausted but this time I refuse to lie down and hide.
Instead, I say – bring it on!
~Svasti
I’m sorry you’re feeling painful, Svasti.
you will get through this- as you are already well aware that the pain is the signal to you that you are alive and that you are on your way to health- the pain says you are open and dealing with it- instead of numbing and acting as if it is not there… you are very strong and one day- though there may still be a scar- your pain will be memory…
Rock on, Svasti.
I have no doubt you’ll get through and only be stronger for the experience.
@Immi – Thanks for caring! Things are tick tick tick… slowly moving now… slowly…
@amyv – the annoying thing is that I do know I’ll get through it. I know a shitload of stuff about the whys and wherefores. Which makes me scratch my head even more about what the heck’s going on here.
@Dr Jay – thank you my wonderful, wonderful friend! Don’t know quite what I would have done without your constant and steady stream of digital support (no, not that kind of digital – geez!!) in the last week. Hope I never have to find out!!
Throughout my personal journey, I’ve had many moments of revelation which lifted me out of decades of pain – those beautiful feelings of clarity that come from realization; however, those magical realizations became like a drug for me – like a hit of crack. If I didn’t feel growth was happening, I would drop like a dead bird into an ocean of misery.
All the while, normalcy was illusive and I knew it wasn’t normal to feel spiritually/mentally/phsically wonderful all the time. I got over that, which was in its own right, a revelation. That was around 20 years ago. With all I’ve been through, I still get depressed occasionally but I do not expect it like I used to. Long ago, I became depressed during the beginning of cold winters simply because I expected to – like clockwork. Now I do not expect it and if I become depressed, I make damn sure I don’t make it happen. It must force itself upon me as I refuse to be depressed. Having said this, I have no idea why I still have problems every now and then. It is simply brain chemistry in my case, but I have been able to change that through meditation to a certain degree.
I feel great today. I’ve been in a good mood for a while now. I hope you feel better soon and beautiful light shines across your soul.
Have a wonderful day Svasti
@Bobby – I don’t think I’m addicted to this experience at all. But I appreciate what you’re saying.
See, I have been making a steady return to normalcy, and whilst its not every hour of my day consistently but y’know, the general trend has been upwards, not down.
Until this crash, things had been good. They were very bad for a long time, but once I started therapy, things rapidly improved for me. And now this.
That said, I know its not a set back, just delving into other layers of ’stuff’ lying there, waiting.
As I said to a friend today – “I’m another decent fraction of a percent feeling better”. So… not perfect. PTSD has a nasty sting in the tail that seems to take a while to wear out/off.
But I am, I’m getting there…
Do you think there’s something major going on, jyotish-way?
I am feeling like a cranky, evil bitch and I had the most crap day – even tho nothing big went wrong – just a whole bunch of little shitty things.
And then depressed again. Got the mojo back last week and this week… flat line. I’m dragging myself on that plane on Saturday. I’m scared of the intensive. I just want to stay home. Rhiannon’s leaving
… I’ve got a gazillion things to do…
I just want to hide. Get on a houseboat and float down the Murray or go bushwalking…
@Amanda – possibly, although I’d have to ask my jyotish friends… dunno – nothing I’ve heard down the wire tho!
Hmmm, as long as you get on that plane, I think that’s all that matters. Sounds like a huge time of change for you too. Stay on course, right now that’s possibly all that matters.
Although that said, going bushwalking or getting on a houseboat… those things sound very appealing…
Moods, and thoughts are ephemeral . . . nothing lasts. . . thank the goddess for that, eh?
Keep watching, being present. There’s courage in the air.
Grrr, pain is such an incredible gift. So is joy. I love that you are allowing them both existence. It ain’t an easy path!
So much caring here though – softens the way.
@laughing yogini – yes, nothing lasts forever, but the temporary can hang around for a while…
I am walking that line, and its a little narrow and slippery but I do believe its worth it.
Thanks so very much for your comments here!