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The final week of my daily Small Stones.

Reflections on writing Small Stones

When I was drowning in PTSD and depression, I wished away my days. I hoped that by doing so, I’d somehow magically reach the end of the seemingly perpetual torment I lived in. So I did everything I could to numb myself and withdraw from the world, noticing no one or thing. Every moment was painful, or so I thought.

This task of mindful writing – January’s Small Stones – tells me another story.

I’ve learned that even when I’m having a bad day, I don’t have to file the entire day under “C for Crap”, writing off everything about it. Even if the bad things that happened on a particular day only took an hour or two, I’d paint the whole thing black (yes, just like The Stones).

Actually, while I was in the deathly grip of PTSD, I’d paint entire months the same dark shade and did everything I could to look nowhere. Not in the mirror and certainly not in anyone’s eyes, or beautiful things in nature. It was too… hard.

So maybe I was noticing things. But I was noticing them only to squash them. To kill off any memories of any day because those days were plagued with a never-ending loop of terror and I lived every single one of them like I was fighting for my life.

Now that it’s years later, I am free from PTSD. Sometimes the period of chronic trauma and stress I lived through feels like a dream and sometimes… it’s this new life that that feels that way.

Writing Small Stones – as insignificant as it might seem, even to me sometimes – provides a practice of noticing. And noticing is something I ask of my yoga students. What do you see/feel/think while you’re doing your practice? How do you feel? Are you comfortable? What sensations are you experiencing??

So writing Small Stones, too, works hand-in-hand with the philosophy and practice of yoga. It doesn’t matter if you don’t do it but if you DO… then something will happen. Something will change and blossom within your heart and mind.

Your connection to the world and yourself changes. There’s a sense of respect and intimacy that develops.

This is indeed, yoga.

I’m not sure if I’ll keep writing Small Stones every single day. But then again, perhaps I will. Either way, I’ ll use this lovely tool of noticing the world and writing down my observations frequently.

Finally, I hope you enjoy the last of my January Small Stones writings below…

Monday 23rd:

In the heat, everything expands, blows up, and blows out.

Overheating = chaos, Summer’s peril.

~~

Tuesday 24th:

A new student of yoga

But an old hand in dealing with life’s messes

Dulled eyes at half mast as though

Sunset shines there instead of midday’s blazing glory

He writes: “Just crazy” on his intake form

But!

I watch as midday returns brilliance to his eyes

As we move through the practice hour

Temporarily perhaps, for now.

~~

Wednesday 25th:

A brilliant golden memory from the weekend…

His eyes expressing volumes

As he takes in her face

(How amazing, he marvels

The brilliance of your body

Produced our daughter

Our amazing, perfect little girl

If I loved you before, now I worship you

Because you’ve granted me this miracle!)

Expressed with no words,

Just a twinkle in his eye.

~~

Thursday 26th:

An internal day

The result of over-indulgence

And too much sunshine

Both depleting crucial moisture

Leaving me couch-bound

The cat is my only companion

~~

Friday 27th:

Today I see my self-delusions in full flight

Turning one story into another

Making actions far more meaningful than ever intended

So I step away and shake myself awake

~~

Saturday 28th:

Trauma, it seems

Seals off the entrance to

The Great Womb of the Universe

That which engenders creativity

Life and light

And so the healing of trauma

Also heals the Womb of the Universe

~~

Sunday 29th:

Three brown berries

Glowingly tanned

And squidgy with youth

Cooling off under shade cloth

In a small cerulean plastic clam

~~

Monday 30th:

The manic-ness of broken-down trains

Learning to work without a net once more

And missing out on dearly held plans

Tests the boundaries of acceptance

~~

Tuesday 31st:

They appear as clumps

Of gum leaves

Designing the tree top with

Small shrub-like shapes

~~

[ small stone round up week 1 ]

[ small stone round up week 2 ]

[ small stone round up week 3 ]

~ Svasti

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