#reverb, 5 year anniversary, accomplished, achievements, Big Happy, Big Healing Moments, colours fading, defining moments, dose of hope, excited, free, moth-eaten, nightmares, pock-marked, proud, purposeful, relieved, sharp and pointy, sisterly love
Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down.
Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.
~ December 28 prompt
As I’ve already said, I want to be debt-free by the end of 2011 in order to manage to make a huge change in my life.
I know I’m gonna need help on that front as I’m just not particularly sensible with money. I’ll need to do a bunch of research and take a cold hard look at my money spending/saving habits in the house of mirrors. But I know it’s possible if I am relentless in my thriftiness!
But… oh gosh, how will I feel once I get to that point? Of being debt-free? In the clear? Out of the red?
- Oh, and free
Because I’ll be on my way, with Part 1 of my Grand-Bold-Stupid-Reckless-Awesome-Totally-Kicking-Life-Plan done and dusted!
So how can I feel/think those feelings right now, with that goal of mine still off in the distant future?
Hmmmm… I’m proud of how far I’ve come, the shit storms I’ve had to face and how deeply I’ve had to dig for the truth. Its way better out than in.
I most definitely feel purposeful already. Dudes, I got myself a plan, the first one I’ve had in YEARS. And that causes a huge amount of excitement!!
There’s a lot of stuff I feel accomplished in – such as completing my first yoga teacher training and having the courage to start teaching. Although… that’s not to say there isn’t more to learn and become accomplished in for those things. Just that hey… what I’ve done so far is cool.
I guess I’m relieved that I know where I’m going for once. Even if my plan changes, even if nothing works out like I want it to, at least I’ve worked out what I want. That really helps.
There’s freedom in being clear about what I don’t want, too. And in the joy of learning to teach, discovering new things about myself and other people as I do. There’s even freedom in making mistakes along that journey because those mistakes inform and refine what I say and do while I teach.
And all of it gently leading me onwards, sometimes with a gentle nudge and other times more forcefully. Forging this new, expanded sense of self: a version of me with a wide open heart, smiling, and with a direct line to my gut instincts at all times…
Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.
~ December 29 prompt
A series of defining events, you say? Yessum, I got those!
This year has been choc-full of Big Healing Moments. But rather than give you the reader’s digest version, y’all can read (or re-read) these posts if you like…
- Rock ‘n’ Roll, Love, Hate & The Universe – on how sometimes your greatest nightmares can manifest right in front of your face…
- And so now for the Epic-ness – on sisterly love and finally being seen…
- Happy 5 year anniversary to me! – on what happened on the very night at the very time this post was being written 5 years later…
- Blowing up the Death Star – on what I did with all that anniversary business…
We all have defining moments, don’t we? But unless you write them down they’re easy to forget, their colours fading like a painting left in the sun. What was once vibrant and colourful becomes watery looking and a little fuzzy around the edges.
Especially if your memory is anything like mine: all pock-marked, moth-eaten and ragged around the edges.
Reading back over some of my earliest blog posts, I’m sometimes surprised by what I’ve written. The intensity of those experiences, how desperately sad and devastating it all was… thank goodness I don’t feel like that now.
It’s the nature of pain to fade – even if it takes years to do so – becoming less sharp and pointy over time, turning into a strong memory that’ll never be forgotten. But it fades so we can keep going. So we can survive.
Of course, it’s not like I’ll ever forget what happened but it’s a good thing to have a record, like this blog. If I hadn’t spent so much time writing about it, I might’ve completely forgotten what it was like to be in those moments and I sure as hell wouldn’t have worked through things as (relatively) quickly as I have. Five years isn’t too bad, right?
But I won’t allow myself to forget entirely. If I did, then how could I ever help someone else who is dealing with PTSD, depression or anxiety?
The writing helps me work through the worst of it, and also helps others in need of their own dose of hope. I know this because every now and then I get an email or a comment on one of my posts that says as much. I can’t tell you how much those messages make my heart sing!
So I write about my defining moments because there is hope, there is healing, and somewhere out there is what the BlissChick calls “Big Happy” for all of us.