Tags
Anxiety, Assault, Confusion, Courage, Fear, Memory loss, Procrastination, Trauma, Violence
I admit it, I’ve been putting off my next post – which is not this one.
Ever since I decided my next post would be about the actual assault and not the direct aftermath or any of the myriad of related topics… I’ve found many reasons for not sitting down to write in more detail about the night that brought drastic changes to my life.
The two strong contributing factors are confusion and fear.
Speaking on behalf of my confusion – I actually don’t remember that night too well. Not the part of the night that’s “pre-assault” anyway. Well, that’s not entirely true. I do recall that Andre was coming over to drop off money I was owed and that he stayed for dinner. I vibrantly recall that I made pumpkin soup for dinner. Really great pumpkin soup actually. I remember that he played some guitar for me (he is a jazz/blues musician). And branded on my brain is the moment everything turned bad.
But after that… its not entirely clear. The order that things happened in. The exact chain of events. How I ended up standing so close to him that he could – without me seeing his arm move – punch me in the face.
Its a ghostly memory of a movie. One you’ve seen before and sort of know the details. But when you watch the movie again, everything comes back to you. And so I know what’s waiting for me.
As for fear – the twisting and churning of my stomach as I draw those memories up from their hidey hole is sickening. I feel my internal temperature rise, the skin tightening in my body and face, and the definite sensation of wishing I could throw up even though I don’t have the urge in any way. The tears well, and my eyeballs sting.
It was much easier to write about the direct aftermath – what happened after he finally left. Why? Well, time slowed down. I was living microsecond to microsecond. Everything moment was enhanced by the fear, the shaking, the crying and the pain. In some ways, perhaps this too, has played a part in sending the ‘just before’ memories into the background?
Despite all this, I’m determined to write this story. I need to write it. To get it out. I’m at a loss in terms of where to start, but I know that to find the words, I need to journey further. Deeper.
The creative urge and desire for truth to come out are ready to go. Its just my courage that’s having a few issues here. But its coming…
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
In time, you will know when. You already have the courage…it is just gathering it together toward one purpose. But, it is your timing and no one elses including you telling your self that you “should do this now.”
Sooner than later you’ll be writing that post without any doubt and fear. I had an entirely different situation, because though I had the chance to tell mankind about my true story about God’s message through blogging, I still had doubts about what people might think about me. But after three months of blogging, I can now spontaneously say “God said I love you through the stones!” which was also the title of one of my last posts. I hope you’ve read that post as well as my story about “God’s Message”.
http://idontwant2retire.blogspot.com
Hmm, I disagree a bit . . . I don’t think there’s ever any way to tell the whole story. It’s always going to be with you, so you’re always going to be telling it. Don’t put yourself through more trauma thinking that you have to tell the whole story in one go. It will come out of you eventually, but I don’t think you should push it. Mental health first! Just my (U.S., worth even less)$0.02.
Thanks for the comments everyone!
Truth is, it does make me feel better to put this story down in words. Once I’ve done that, it doesn’t feel like its just mine anymore. It seems to create a sense of space.
I was talking with my therapist today, and she seems to think the issue is about my willingness to face what happened. And there’s alot of fear and shock tied up with that.
It was a good session with my fantastically grounded therapist, so I think that I might be a step or two closer to being able to commit this part of the story to writing now… fingers crossed!