Today is the beginning of some huge changes I’m making in my life.
For a long time things have been very much ‘same-same’. No changes. No movement out of the ghetto I’ve been sheltering in.
Despite everything I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to lose weight (I know this is energetic/emotional). I haven’t been able to move forward, meet the man of my dreams. I haven’t been able to put the past in the past. I have been unhappy with my workplace situation. I haven’t been having my regular deja vu experiences – which are like signposts to me that I’m on the right course in my life.
Then earlier this year, I had mystery shoulder pain to deal with. Once I finally figured out what that was all about and started therapy… well that’s when all these changes started to snowball. My mother went into hospital for her third surgery in twelve months and at the same time my 93 year old grandmother had yet another fall, and was moved from her ‘independant with much help’ life to life in a nursing home (which she hates). I was also having a minor anxiety attack at the huge rent increase the landlords wanted on top of another pretty decent one six months prior. And then the news about my boss being inflexible with my holiday leave.
Ofcourse, at the same time that all this stuff has been going on, I also started this blog and decided to wrestle my darkest experiences into words and publish them on the interwebs.
Suddenly, nothing was ‘same-same’ any more!
In fact, it was big decision making time. I stopped seeing everything that was happening as a disaster and started tuning in to the Grace of the situation. And I realised it was time. Time to tear it all down.
There are various people to whom this quote is attributed (Einstein, Franklin etc):
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Nothing had been working the way it was. And I wanted things to be different??
So… I came to the conclusion that its just time for change. As my good friend L said, Well, you’ve been saying nothing is changing in your life, so isn’t this a good thing?
Right. Right!! Yes, it is a good thing. However its just a whole lotta change all at once. But taken one thing at a time, its not so bad. And actually, I couldn’t be starting therapy again at a better time really. My therapist, H, has been an amazing support.
So I did what I had to do for both my mother and grandmother. I handed in notice on my rented flat, organising to stay with my folks for a little bit before my overseas trip and for a while when I get back. And I quit my job without another one to go to.
As another one of my good friends JM would say – I’m taking a running leap and trusting that the universe will be there to support me.
So far, so good.
I’m moving this weekend. This afternoon in fact. And even though I despise moving and packing, I’m doing a damn fine job on my own! I’m leaving my work on good terms. I’ve even been told to take whatever time I need to go to job interviews. I have a second interview next week for a job that I’m really interested in, so keep your fingers crossed for me. And in a week and a half, I’ll be going overseas for five weeks on my yearly yoga retreat.
My parents are taking care of lovely Cleo the cat whilst I’m away. And when I get back, I fully expect to either already have a job or get one pretty quickly. The market for my industry is on fire at the moment!
So yeah. I could have chosen to let all this make me weak. But instead I decided to surf the wave of change, taking control, riding high and proud. It has actually been very liberating, especially at the time when I’m facing my worst demons.
Its a very strange thing to not know what your future is going to look like. I mean, none of us really do, but we generally kind of have an idea. We know where we live, what our job is (if we have one). We generally know what life will look like in a couple of months from now. I have not a clue.
And its the most excited I’ve felt in years.
Good for you!
Quote: Its a very strange thing to not know what your future is going to look like.
Well, I don’t think there’s anything that you can call a future in the existential sense.
In “The Power of Now” Tolle talks about a place where there’s no sun, no moon, just the Earth and only animals living here. Now, is there a concept of time here? If so, how is it measured, and who measures it?
The future is only an illusion that exists in the minds of intelligent beings. It never happens.
Even if it does, in its own special way, the best thing about it is that it comes one moment at a time.
John D said:
Congratulations on all these good changes! I’ve been going through something similar, and I know at times it’s a great relief to get out of being stuck and thrilling to imagine possibilities. And there are those times I get overwhelmed and just plain scared that things might not work out. But I know they will because now I’ll be doing exactly what I want and need to be doing.
The very best of everything to you!
Great post and best of luck to you with all the positive changes you are making.
Sorry to take a while to respond, but I’ve been busy with moving!
@La, @Ozzie – thanks for your support!
@John D – yeah, its a great experience to be moving forward again after being stuck for such a long time.
@Zakman – oh my, don’t get me started! 😉
Ofcourse, in this article I was talking about ‘future’ as a relative thing. Most of us live in the relative world and its easier to talk in relative terms as a result.
But if you’re going to get started on the philosophical point of view… hmmm… its true, there is no such thing as time, the past, present or future.
But I don’t agree with the idea that time is a human invention. Time is in fact, one of the rules of this universe – we need both space and time to exist – and humans merely have the awareness and capability to observe and measure it. But time happens anyway, in a relative sense. 🙂
I suppose what I was trying to say above, is that most people have a life plan, and if you asked them they could probably tell you what they expected to be doing next week, next month etc.
From my current perspective, I have no idea. And I’m loving it!