Tags
Batman & Robin, Confusion, Dating, Lady Luck, Men, Mexican stand-off, Murphy's Law, Relationships, Writer's block
My brain feels like a schmooshy mixture of brain, goo, mist and haze. Add a dash of confusion and its all whirly.
I’m still battling this cold/ear infection/burst ear drum. Also, there’s that bunch of stories wanting to be told. They’re confusing me at the moment however, and its blocking up the pipes again. Sigh. They want to be longer and more mindlessly detailed than I want them to be. And they refuse to be edited. So, I currently have a number of unfinished pieces of writing and we’re having a bit of a Mexican stand-off.
Which is not so bad really, except for the desire I have to create, express, to publish more bloggy oddness.
But right now my focus is a little skewed because I’m waiting to hear if I managed to get a job I really want (whilst trying not to get too attached to the idea of having it).
And… I *think* a boy might like me… which is REALLY confusing…
My life is a series of question marks at the moment. Cartoon ones, like those that used to appear over the heads of the villians in the Batman & Robin TV series. Will I get the job I want? Or like Catatonic Kid, is my relationship with Murphy really that ironic? I do wonder about that. Actually, I wonder if Murphy and Lady Luck have battles over who I really belong to. It seems a bit that way sometimes.
Then there’s this boy. Well, I suppose at my age I shouldn’t be calling grown men “boys” any longer, but its a habit that’s stuck.
He’s someone I used to work with, and I’m unclear if he likes me or not. I mean, in my experience, unless you’ve become good friends with people you’ve worked with, they don’t generally try to stay in touch once you’ve left the place of your mutual employment. And you certainly don’t go out of your way to invite them to your birthday drinks, giving them plenty of notice of the date etc. But we’re not that close, and he’s done just that.
Towards the end of my trip in Thailand, I logged on to check my emails. Like alot of people I work with, he’s a friend on my GTalk (we’re geeks!) and he started chatting to me. Since I’ve been back we’ve had a couple of other online chats as well. Then last week he invited me to the birthday drinks he was organising for himself. I mean, they’re straight after work on a Friday, near a place I no longer work at.
In the course of that chat, I discovered by the way that he and his girlfriend had broken up. They’d been together for almost as long as I’ve known him. The conversation was a little flirty I guess. And the idea percolated away there – wow, what if he likes me? But am I just imagining things?
Tonight is the night. But its not a date or anything – there will be heaps of people I know there. And maybe he’s just being friendly?
I suppose I can only go with my gut feel – even though he was with someone else, there was always a bit of a spark between us. I think anyway! Actually, I sort of need someone to spell it out for me if they like me, otherwise I really don’t get it. As a rule, I tend to think men don’t have any interest in me. So I don’t know.
But he did send me another message just today, checking to make sure I’m coming tonight. So I am nervous.
I do like him. I think he’s cute. And he’s really sweet natured too. He was one of the “safe men” I used to enjoy hanging out with and having a harmless flirt with during the time I was working out how to relate to men again. I suppose I don’t know him well enough to work out if there could be anything more than that. One of the posts that I wrote not long after getting back was about how I can’t be in a relationship at the moment.
For one thing, I simply have no sense when it comes to men, and working out what’s best for me. Secondly, as I mentioned in that earlier post, I find that men tend to flock around me once I’ve returned from retreat – energy sucking men that is. Not that I think this boy is an energy sucker at all.
But whenever I decide these sorts of things, it seems that fate has its own way with me. Its not like I really need more time to myself I guess. But I really haven’t processed all the stuff that goes with getting close to someone again. So… even the thought that someone might like me, and that I might have to face some of this stuff is a little scary.
Right now my life is still in limbo. My sister still isn’t talking to me properly. I don’t have a home of my own and I don’t have a job. There haven’t been any men in my life for the longest time. It would be nice if things started turning out for the better…
And if someone has a good cure for Writer’s Block, please feel free to pass it on!
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
He likes you!
I’ll pass on the advice people always give me when I get all het up about the opposite sex:
Stop thinking of it as a possible relationship and all the things that could possibly could go wrong/how you could screw each other up etc. and just take it date by date and have fun.
It’s good advice but do I ever listen?
As for writer’s block, I recommend Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. Her technique combines writing practice with zen meditation. (I blogged about it here.)
I’m with la – He likes you.
I have my fingers crossed for you on that job! =)
And hopefully things will unblock shortly – sometimes you get so much you want to say backed up that it clogs your brain for a while. It usually comes unstuck, eventually. Patience and all that jazz.
Yeah well, I think perhaps he does like me. But I’m not sure I’m interested… he was there at his party with another girl actually. But still flirted alot with me. Said things like: “I’m really glad you came” and stuff. Towards the end of the night he was trying to convince me to stay at his place, saying it was too late to be taking public transport. I was saying no, and he replied: “I’m not going to take advantage of you, not unless you want me to”.
Riiight. I dunno what sort of head space he was in, but its not one that works for me. I like clarity around things. I like dating men who aren’t dating other women at the same time. I don’t like confusion.
Thanks for the good wishes with the job. I have my fingers crossed too!
And thanks for the tips on Writer’s Block. I also have this idea that if I just write anyway… even if the writing is bad, or long, then I’ve made some progress.
That’s basically my next post. Long, possibly overdone, but at least I finished writing it!
~Svasti
Cure for writer’s block? Looks like you’ve been writing more than I have this week….
But, yeah, just write…if you think it’s bad you don’t have to post it. If it’s overlong, you can cut it. If it completely sucks you can delete it. No harm done.