Tags
Anger, Burning, Down the rabbit hole, Fangs, Fire, Gaps, Nothingness, Outpouring, Rage, Unknown
There’s a torrent and it won’t stop. A mass of bees swarming, changing shape yet keeping form. Just there beneath my skin and running hotly through my veins. It’s sharp and pointy, jagged and primal. Snarls come easily. My face, I can tell from those reacting around me, appears ferocious. Harsh and lioness-like. Yet I do not, I am not feeling that way myself. Lookout! My fangs are showing, don’t make me bare my teeth right now. I’ve no wish to scare you. My tongue sharpened with sandpaper is rough and bitey, just around the edges – don’t push – you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Currently I’m zero to agression in microseconds so just don’t go there friends!
Fuck, the top cracked and that was it! A catalyst opened the door and now it’s raging furiously with a life of its own, an entity of pure murderous anger spewing forth if I open my mouth or stop attempting to smile. I’m puzzled…
Falling between the gaps… I’ve no idea what that means, only what it feels like. Where to? Down the rabbit hole… Why is it, in this place there’s no frame of reference, no easy-to-grasp gnosis? Shimmering and losing sense of the physical representation of outer form. It’s gone. Well, I still see it but I also not see it. I see its not there, I understand the wrapper was never more than just a trick of the eye and the mind. Like a mirage but somewhat more tangible. I see there’s nothing there really…
What is it about this recent experience of loss of differentness that’s given flight to such a vicious outpouring? I’m not personally angry; it’s a beast in need of restraint lest it injures those in range. Is this the end of anger’s repression? The burning of more samsaric seeds? Wherefore does this energy field, so separate and vibrant mean to go? How does it resolve back to Source?
This is not the anger of my personality display. It lingers. It consumes, feeding on available fuel. It subsumes… My anger is faster, more mobile, less volatile. More like a lightning strike – brilliant, dangerous, swift and then its gone. Almost like it never was and I forget in minutes its brief existence. There’s no grudge holding, no ill intent, no malice to my anger.
It’s been days now, two full days of this bristling simmering growling ever-present fiery malcontent attitude of a smoking seething bubbling hurricane sweeping through my body and blazing forth from eyes, lips and fingertips.
‘Course its mine – I lay claim to ownership because it can’t belong to another. But from where does this rage originate? And when’s it leaving please?
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
“‘Course its mine – I lay claim to ownership because it can’t belong to another. But from where does this rage originate? And when’s it leaving please?”
great post, I can definitely relate.
@KinkyGrace – thanks for dropping in. Hehe, luckily the rage appears to be subsuding, or is that just because I still haven’t stopped yet? Its there, just not as intensely. Perhaps I’ll get a chance to investigate this state further tomorrow, once the dust has settled and I’m no longer staring at a mountain of boxes… 🙂
I’ve gone through a lot of these incredibly emotionally volatile periods in recent years–generally during times when I’ve been in therapy, getting really deeply into yoga, or otherwise really digging into the mess inside my head–which at times have led to my losing friends, being unable to deal with family, and generally finding it difficult to do much of anything. So, basically, for the most part, it’s not very pleasant and I want it to go away but, at the same time, realize that, if I can navigate my way through the chaos I’ve unleashed and follow it to its source, there’s an incredible opportunity for change and growth…..
Svasti, I so appreciate your honesty – not just in sharing your experiences, but the sheer honesty it takes to actually have them.
I know where to go to get bullshit. It’s never here.
@Dr Jay – stop telling me things that make me feel like we have so much in common already! 😉
I’ve never lost a friend (yet) over this sort of open ‘fissure’ where underlying emotions are brought so painfully to the surface. Your graciousness is remarkable, by the way. Then again, I haven’t had to deal with as many of these as you seem to have.
And no, its not very pleasant. But I think the key is letting it be, without letting it overtake your daily life. I could have burned holes through everyone I had dealings with in the last few days, but mostly I’ve managed to keep my head. For that I thank my ability to self-reflect and also my awareness training.
Riding it back to source… yes, that’s the answer as we both seem to agree. I’d be interested to know what techniques you’ve used to do just that? Mine are from my yogi training (ofcourse) and I’d love to know how similar/dissimilar yours are.
Definitely, these moments are huge opportunities for change and growth… or for just sliding back into more repression. Although, if you choose repression, you’re actually creating a stronger and deeper pattern which makes change harder the next time (if there is a next time) such an opportunity arises again.
@Lucy – thanks for commenting. Some people in my life think I’m too honest, that I think too much, that I’m “very expressive” and reading between the lines I know they mean “over-expressive”. Perhaps that’s true. But I know no other way to be.
thanks for your input… 8).
This is am entertaining post!, glad i found it.. lots of great images here on your blog.
Lola.
@Lola – glad you can find some humour in my insanity… I always like to if I can! Some of the images here are my photos, but most of them I find performing a range of Google image searches trying to match imagery to my post/feelings.