Each moment I keep moving, writing, talking and don’t shut down… is a victory right now. Its something miraculous because I could oh, so very easily just stop everything. Turn to stone. Close down. Lie in bed and not get up.
A war against inertia is on ladies and gents… I’m winning, just.
The gaping wound in my chest is still there. The sensations keep changing. Expanded. Contracted. Heavy, moving through quicksand, then light as a feather. I ache, I bleed thick dark blood, my bruises on display once more. Weakness and strength. Then a little peace. I’m numb and sad. I’m as insanely furious as Kali’s avenging dakinis. I’m still, not moving. I’m very tired yet I can’t sleep. I can’t cook for myself either. Mostly I feel weak and sick.
I need more hugs than its reasonable to ask for.
The pain – caught between my heart and my throat – bounces back and forth, trying for release every now and then. As it hits my throat I start to cough and choke, my voice grows deeper and more controlled. There’s fear there, too.
I was so sure this stuff was over. I went to Thailand in July, having worked my ass off in therapy for several months. Then, during sublime weeks spent in the wilds of Issan, hit rock bottom (more on this another time). I thought I’d burned the remaining pain away completely. But perhaps I just paved the way to open further? Reach deeper?
Certainly feels that way.
As hurt and messed up as I feel right now, as incapable as I am of doing much more than keeping life support functions operational, I’m glad of it all.
I grew up in a family that believes in taking painkillers for everything – just to take the edge off – so the refrain goes. As I got older, I refused. Personally I like my kidneys and liver. But also, as a sports person, as a martial artist, and then as a yogini, I like knowing what my body is doing. I rely on the feedback so I know when its okay to push and when I really need rest.
Pain is information, not something to be feared (so says my wise Self). Sure, its incredibly uncomfortable but pain tells you what you need to know – if you’ll only listen.
I have tonight and tomorrow to get through before I see my therapist, H. We work well together, H and I. She talks, I reflect. She helps me locate the loose thread on the spool so I can start unwinding that which binds.
I don’t expect though, that as of tomorrow night all will be well again. But it is all systems go – I’m throwing everything I’ve got at this attempted re-invasion.
I have numerous yoga and meditation practices. I’m walking everywhere (feeling my heart pulsing as I wander a-pace!). I have fire puja (ceremony) and the miracle vibrational qualities of mantra. I have self-awareness and knowledge that allows me to see the bigger picture.
I’m exhausted but this time I refuse to lie down and hide.
Instead, I say – bring it on!