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So this is tricky…

There’s plenty I’d like to be writing and telling you about but for now I’m just not up to it.

A certain friend (who shall remain entirely nameless) has been engaging me in discussions about things which… well, I really want to post about. Perhaps to distract or amuse me, but really they’re things we’ve been debating for a while now. However I need to be a little less exhausted, a little more back in one piece first.

So, there’s plenty more coming. The post topics, they’re backing up people! Sometime soon, this blog will return to normal programming.

Last night I made it to my therapy session, ten minutes late, thanks to the train choosing to sit motionless just outside of the station for some time. Good thing I had my push bike with me!

It was such a necessary and helpful session. I’m glad I went, and in retrospect I’m kind of amazed I was even contemplating – should I try to get an appointment or not?

I managed to get quite a bit of the rage I’m feeling to surface (poor H!). But there’s more work to do. I’m still choking on the energy that wants to come out. H has suggested to try and visualise this mass of fury – break it down, reduce the size so its not so hard to expel. As a highly visual person that works for me, so I’m giving that one a go.

She talked about alot of other stuff too, but I’m just not ready to write about it yet.

My heart feels a little bit returned… especially with all the brisk walking and cycling I’ve been doing. Causing my heart to pound at least proves its still there, even though the sensation of absence persists. Each day more pieces seem to come back, but it still doesn’t feel particularly normal yet!

And – this has manifested as physical pain too. If I touch the area above my heart it actually feels bruised… the body and mind are just fascinating like that aren’t they?

Intense physical pain is what finally brought me to get some serious therapy earlier this year, actually. Depression masquerading as pain. But this time I think its a side effect of the intense rage spewing forth from the depths of my being.

My memory is shot to pieces. My brain matter, scatty. Its exceptionally difficult to focus on anything for long periods of time right now. Which isn’t so great given I’m in a new job and a position of responsibility. I’m just doing what I can and trying not to suffer anxiety about that too!

But I smiled today. Quite a bit, and it wasn’t so forced.

More soon folks – and many thanks to those of you who’ve been visiting and offering support.

~Svasti

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