Tags
Abuse, Assault, GO! Smell The Flowers, Human rights, Post-traumatic stress, PTSD, Violence, Violence against women
Over at the irrepressible Go! Smell The Flowers blog, one of the regular contributors “Aussie Cynic” (aka A/C aka Kesa) has written a post titled “Go On! Speak Out!“.
The topic is International Human Rights Day and International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.
Something kinda close to my heart.
A/C asked some questions at the end of her impassioned post… True to form, in response I wrote a small essay in the comments, and I asked A/C if it’d be cool if reproduced those comments here.
Note: I’ve cleaned it up a little (and fixed the typos).
Without further ado, here’s my long and rambling response…
****
Violence against women… well, one particular woman – me – is the very reason my blog was born.
It’s my creative outlet for all of the pain, terror, trauma, repression, depression and post-traumatic stress I’ve been dealt as a result of someone’s inability to control themselves one night just over three years ago.
So the topic of violence (and like Gareth rightly pointed out, not just male against female violence, but I’d also add in same gender violence too for that matter) is one I’ve been particularly close to for some time.
Why is Violence and Abuse allowed to continue?
I don’t think it’s a case of violence and abuse being allowed to continue. It happens because human nature is as it is. Within us all is the fight or flight mechanism.
For those people without enough maturity and awareness – physical, mental and emotional abuse are ways those people feel more in control, less fearful. And sadly it becomes a pattern for them, a way of coping with whatever is thrown in their direction.
Why we must put up with such disgusting behaviour?
We don’t have to put up with this behaviour.
He only got one shot at me, just that one night – the next day I put a protection order in place. But the internal damage had already set in. There’s been a huge toll in the rebuilding from that time.
And let me say (in case you hadn’t already guessed) that I’m not one of those lay down and take it types. I’ve fought for my healing really hard and I’ve been incredibly surprised at how long it’s taken to regain a certain level of emotional balance.
I never thought PTSD could happen as a result of an incident like mine. I thought it happened to people who’d lived through a war or a major disaster. But, clearly that’s not the case. PTSD is a very real and frightening phenomena… and it’s pretty friggin rough on the body, mind and soul.
Cruelly, the balance I’d achieved after three long years has been thrown out of whack only very recently, with another repressed memory surfacing and dragging everything I thought I’d dealt with back to the surface. More PTSD: unexpected, unwelcome, unwanted. There’s no warning. It comes when it comes.
It’s been incredibly humbling and painful to realise it’s not all over yet. Not that I thought it was all completely over – I know I have major trust issues with men – but I thought I was through the worst of emotional/mental trauma and turmoil.
My brain is only just recovering from the very ‘jelly-like’ state that a PTSD episode turns it into.
And I’m back seeing my very helpful therapist.
But none of it makes sense and everything – I mean everything – hurts. The panic attacks that go with those episodes? Have to be felt to be believed. After months of freedom from this itchy scalp condition I had for years, it’s returned overnight (fear, panic, anxiety, trauma causing physical reactions).
Why as women do we not stand up and say NO MORE!
Women can and do say no – but its really cultural conditioning enmasse that people must work to change. Before I was assaulted, I could’ve never understood the impact such a thing can have on someone’s life.
I’m guessing that’s the case for a whole lot of other people in the world too. They are complacent via ignorance – that sort of violence has never touched their lives and they can’t imagine why its important to really instil in their children the supreme wrongness of it all.
Why do women suffer in silence too scared to speak out?
Good question… I’m a smart, sassy, independent woman with a great career in the digital arena. Before this, I never ever considered something like this could happen to me. Until it did. And people can tell you “its not your fault” a million times, but there’s a huge degree of shame and fear that goes along with this sort of experience.
Shame – How could this happen to me? Why didn’t I know better? How is it I couldn’t see what he was like (and believe me, he showed no signs of being a violent type before this one night)?
Fear – I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want them to judge me as weak. I don’t want to be taken advantage of (there are people who pray on those in a vulnerable state). I don’t want to be looked upon as ‘different’ for what happened to me.
Why do we allow those committing Abuse to continue to do so?
The police… the night I was assaulted, were exceptionally unhelpful. I guess they’ve got so much going on, so many ‘worse’ things to deal with… and they’re under-staffed.
Yet we rely on our police force to manage law and order. But violence like this is not considered enough of a problem to send a police car out to comfort someone who’s been severely traumatised and go arrest the bastard who did it.
The night I was assaulted, many people would have heard my screams for help but no help came. And, very few people in my life have had enough courage, emotional fortitude and good old fashioned compassion to deal with the emotional aftermath that night has wrought in my life.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m being dramatic or over-stating what happened. I hope I haven’t. I’ve had to be very careful about who I tell these things to – and for whatever reason it’s been so much easier to do in the anonymous environs of a blog. I’ve gained more support from people who don’t know me than from most of the people that do.
Why if we know something is going on do we choose to ignore it?
I think as CC said, many people don’t want to look, lest they see something that reminds them of their own fears and/or mortality.
I don’t judge them for that; I simply understand that not everyone is equipped that way.
I continue to talk to those who can listen and understand. And I continue my healing process, damn determined this will not cast a shadow over my life any longer than absolutely necessary.
******
And then my follow up reply…
Hugs are more than welcome. Its one of the things I’ve missed like crazy – too afraid to get close to men in my life, but at the same time desperately wanting (safe) male hugs. I just haven’t been able to do it – well, I have recently just begun that process (reaching out to male friends I think I can trust), but its tough.
PTSD… what a fucking sick joke that is! I think it was easier to deal with when I was experiencing it more frequently. Because I’ve been free of such episodes for months… its hit much harder. Might have been easier to get hit with a concrete baseball bat than this!
No, Andre was never charged. I did get a very long protection order in place though, and I took action in other ways – letting his ex (with whom he has kids) know what happened, and the place I met him (where he used to work as a musician), I told them too. They were pretty unhappy about it, because they want their patrons to be safe. So I think I did him out of a job at that venue anyway…
Of course what happened is not my fault. Logically I know that. But it’s not so easy to believe. And I get it – you know, how weak he is, how much pain and fear he must be living with to act in that way. I know from talking to his ex that I was not the first person he’s assaulted.
And I learned in therapy that often, men with violent tendencies are exceptionally good at hiding that side of their personalities.
So I know all of that, but still, some of my anger is reserved for me. And I haven’t forgiven myself yet, not properly… no matter what I know logically and reasonably. It’s just not that simple. Wish it was!!
But I keep up the good fight. The ongoing attempts at self-acceptance. And finally it seems, I’ve been able to let out all of the murderous rage I’ve been feeling that I never felt at the time… because I was too fearful and sad and concerned with making sure I got out of that situation in one piece.
So it seems that recently I’d processed enough that my sub-conscious said okay, she’s doing well enough – let’s send out the next wave of stuff to be dealt with.
And that’s what I’m in the middle of right now. It is getting better and continues to do so.
~Svasti
P.S. I should add, that today as I write this… things are getting better. They are. Day by day. Hugs and kisses to everyone who’s been so wonderful to me in this time. xoxo
GDay Svasti
Nicely done mate… I love the working you did…
You know you have friends here and at Flowers, Our community hugs to you and your readers.
Blessings
Kesa
Very nice- thank you for sharing your insight to those who are reading this-
The pain that’s been inflicted upon you is just awful and I can’t imagine what it might be like to go through such an ordeal. Your writing about it must resonate with others in your situation and help them heal. How brave of you to stand up against this sort of violence and may your writings help bring healing and peace to yourself. :o)
@A/C – thanks! Glad you like it… I know, Flowers is a great place to hang out.
@amy – you’re welcome. Nothing like sharing the love – you should check out the Flowers blog too some time.
@earthtoholly – y’know, there are so many people out there in pain, of one kind or another. Its part of the human condition, whether it was inflicted by themselves or another. Everyone suffers for what they’ve been through.
This blog is my way of helping myself and if it does help others too, then I consider myself blessed. 🙂
“PTSD… what a fucking sick joke that is!”
Oh boy do I relate to that particular sentiment!! Great post. It covers so much that desperately needs to be given voice by as many of us as can possibly manage it.
But really just saying hi and letting you know I’ve been thinking of you. Missed you! *hugs* Take good care 🙂
@CK – Hi!! I can’t tell you how excited I am to see you posting to your blog again and leaving me sweet notes. I missed you too.
I hope you’ve come back feeling stronger and I can’t wait to read more of your stuff. You take good care too! 🙂
According to me the basic problem behind the women abuse is that the girls are brought up that particular environment. It is like a vicious circle. The mother has suffered as a daughter, wife, mother, and so on. So how could she instill confidence in her daughter.
The girl sees her mother as a mute spectator in the house.
However the world is changing very fast. Today women are becoming more and more enlightened. It is the task of the women to help their counterparts.
Moreover men should part with their age old rotten thinking of seeing the women folk as sex machines. Both are equal human beings.
It is a sin against God to treat women inferior to men.
Svasti,
Thank you for posting this because it is such an important topic. PTSD really sucks, in May for GSTF, I will be writing a post on it. I do expect you to comment!!! 🙂 People who have never been through it don’t really get it.
BTW, the memory that you are dealing with only came out because you were strong enough to deal with it now.
*hugs*
CC
in a way, this made me feel less alone. particularly this:
I tend to beat myself up for staying silent for so long…16 years is a long time…but these were the same conclusions I came to myself and seeing them somewhere else is uplifting in a sense.
I had these reasons & the added factor that, because I was a toddler when this occurred I repressed the memory. I think the repression was helped by me feeling I’d be the one to get in trouble, that I HAD to cover this up. The process of retrieving it was painfully damaging and revolting…the sensations of vomiting and all the emotions you can attach to it come to my mind when thinking of a metaphor.
I get upset over such a prolonged silence because a lot of things could’ve been avoided if I’d been able to voice it earlier particularly while he was still alive. If my dad could’ve fessed up [and I feel he would’ve, he tried to apologize to me on his deathbed but was too sick to complete it]…if he could’ve, I wouldn’t have had so many people alienating me during what I term my ‘retrieval process’…so many people coming down hard on me for the emotional onslaught…wouldn’t have had my compulsion for silence reinforced…wouldn’t have tried to end my life, basically out of a fear that I could never command it for me.
thanks for sharing your comment…
@Harneet – thanks for dropping by and commenting!
I have to say that while I agree with part of what you’re saying, I can’t agree with all of it. This is not just about girls being brought up in a particular environment at all.
Thing is, everyone who’s human in this world suffers. Not just women at the hands of men. As I said above, there is female to male violence (less common) and not to mention same-sex violence – think bullying in the schoolyard.
In fact one of my very good bloggy friends had a very nasty incidence of bullying that left that person quite scarred emotionally.
I see confidence as human issue, not just a female issue. Men tend to take their lack of confidence out in a physical way, often on females. Women tend to take it out on themselves or each other. But that’s just stereotyping really. There are always exceptions.
However I do agree that lack of confidence/observing others in a weak/violent position impacts children and that does more often than not form some kind of sub-concious pattern.
I think its not correct to say “Today women are becoming more and more enlightened.”
Compared to what? Are you suggested they are less enlightened than men?
It is actually the task of all people – both men and women to help each other. And to stop violence wherever they see it. In the past, I’ve thought nothing of stepping in front of a man I saw beating up his girlfriend. Multiple times.
Its what I’d expect and hope any other decent human being would do in that situation.
And actually I think all people need to become more aware of the ongoing and unpleasant impact a case of violence can create in someone’s life.
Harneet, I’m assuming you are Indian? Perhaps in your country still, there are more men than not who think of women as just “sex machines” – but I do believe in my country that’s not so much the case.
All people are indeed equal and should treat each other as such – but more than that, see themselves as equals too.
Where low self-esteem is chronic in so many people, this to me suggests a failure of our community to raise children appropriately, with the correct attitude towards themselves and others. That’s as good a place to start as any!
Whilst I don’t actually believe in sin, I do think its a crime against humanity for any person to treat another with cruelty and violence.
Namaste…
@CC – since I wrote such an epic in the GSTF comments, I thought it was worth reproducing here… because I realised it was/is a good summary of alot of stuff I talk about… all in the one post!
It is an important topic. Really important. There are so many side-effects to an instance of violence, or ongoing violence, and I don’t think that bit is talked about enough. I mean, there’s a campaign in Australia “Australia says no to violence against women” – something like that!
But no one ever talks about the after effects, not really. Its all about how it feels at the time.
Sure, I’ll be there commenting on your article. 🙂
And its true, if you haven’t had a round trip ticket to PTSD-land, its impossible to describe… it sucks so bad!
Yeah, yeah, I know… I’m stronger now… so I get to deal with more crap my brain decided I’m ready to handle! Kinda wish it had all come at the same time though!!
*hugs*
@KinkyGrace – thank you so much for opening up here and sharing what you did!!
I’ve always felt, if my blog can help anyone at all, then I’ve achieved something wonderful. So if you can relate I’m thrilled!
I think we shield ourselves sometimes, from things that would just hurt too badly. Which is what repressed memories seem to be about.
Its hard to find out how alone you are sometimes, but I figure if we’re going through these things alone, its because we can cope. Even if its really hard! That doesn’t make it any easier ofcourse…
One thing I’ve learned about repression is that it hides a world of emotions and its easy to appear as though not too much bothers you… because its all hidden, even from you. So the more you can learn to let it out, the better it will be – in the long term.
The short term might just suck for a while…
*hugs*
I know a lot about this, for the same reasons you do. I have come to some of the same conclusions in this entry of your blog. There may be more.
Validation from total strangers is nice when you can get it. Miraculous when its on a subject as wretched and transformative as this.
Keep on Keepen on.
@Seeing Eye Chick – Ah, yes… its always most interesting to discover someone you’ve never met who views what they’ve learned in the same way. Thanks for visiting and commenting. 🙂