We both know its coming… ba-bump, ba-bump… I need you, I really do, yet – where can I find you?
Like a dream, something slithered ’round the corner… dark flutter of your coat perhaps? Perilous times, when you’re close… possibly you might surprise me instead. Throat clenching… aching heart… scent raising my hackles.
Doomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoom…
So I run.
You’re not my reflection… can’t see you in the mirror, hiding so close in… I know you’re around. Concealed.
Never do we lock step, but we must (at some point) be in tune. How do we, how do we get there? Death is your gift so it seems… life draining, blood boiling, pin prickling hair strands, tearing freshly made pink flesh loose… but not really.
The key to my locket… the one you won’t try… awaits only sometimes. Moments, only moments… the stars align and masks withdrawn, it’s possible just right then. And then. And, then…
Must be another way.
How to bring the combination that clicks… freedom?
Come softly, come this way, oh please, I can bear it, if I know you’re coming, just don’t sneak up, give me warning.
Just… a clue?
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
Such a perfect description.
@tricia – yeah… and now, I’m heading off to attempt once more getting a little closer with that very elusive thing. Ouch.
the image, your words, my body’s following…. i feel like I stepped into a dream not of my choosing, but darkly too familiar. your a powerful wordsmith, and woman, dear svasti!
@Karin – ah, if only it was a dream instead of my waking experience sometimes. Or, is it all just a dream anyways?? 😉
I know that in some ways, but I wish my body’s reactions would get with the program!
Svasti–your post was so ethereal–so beautiful–but also so on the edge of torment. I have related to (my interpretation) of your post at many times in my life. I hope you can find the strength to confront this intense fear (I may be wrong–but I sense there is some real fear here).
Peace, my friend–
Melinda
@Melinda – um, yeah. Torment. Like H said, its no good having all this pain if its not going anywhere. There’s a very real fear there and my concious mind won’t let me anywhere near it. Time to circumvent it somehow…
yes svasti, I do realize that what you describe, though artistically rendered, is a very real experience for you (given we aren’t talking life is all an illusion/dream!) and a very familiar one, though now thankfully distant, to me. As a fellow survivor of assault and traumatic attacks upon my physical being, I have known the panic, sense of no control, and even unrelenting frustration with the whole seemingly endless process of healing! All I can say is, I am able to look back, today, without the heart racing, throat closing, road blocks – and with all the courage, creativity, and honesty you demonstrate here I have complete faith that you will, too.
wellness to you, Karin
PS I have a couple friends that are practitioners and others who have benefited greatly from EMDR – some with nearly immediate benefits. Seems worth a try.
@karin – thank you, thank you for your wonderful comment. Brings tears to my eyes! That gives me such hope that I too, can get there. I mean, I want to believe that but its hard from right here. So what you have to say? Its very helpful. xo
you are welcome Svasti. I’m grateful my words could be of help – I know, too, the place where other’s words were simply nice sprinkles of otherness. How far you are, in that you have hope and want.
any time, I’m here.
xo K
I love how you acknowledge you can bear it. We do, don’t we, however deadly it feels. The times I forget that are the worst. I hope your shadow passes by quickly.
@Karin – Your support – as well as your lovely art – is much appreciated.
@Immi – There’s definitely a way of being able to handle these things… it helps if you know what’s coming, so being able to identify such things is good. Its when you don’t know, get taken by surprise (more often than not) that its hardest…
You have exactly what you need at every moment. Nonetheles, you choose to figuratively sneak up on yourself to check and see if you are truly paying attention. Complacency may be an inner fear. It is also an illusion. Human beings are always doing, being and learning.
@Liara Covert – Well, that’s not quite what this post is about actually… its not about whether or not I’m paying attention. Its – well, its trying to catch the elusive parts of my hidden pain and fear if you must know, that right now aren’t willing to be exposed…
I am unable to understand this post. But well some points are useful for me.
Wow, Svasti. The way you captured this is so amazing. This is so exactly where I am right now. I know there is stuff there that I have to deal with, but it so comes up when it wants to. It’s frustrating because I can’t seem to get to it in any kind of controlled way.
You seem from your recent posts to be in a better place than you were here? If so, then, I am so happy for you. 🙂 I have been trying to figure out if anyone else is experiencing this, and how they’ve gotten through it. This really gives me hope… Thank you.
@Tracy – I think a lot of people go through this sort of thing if they are dealing with trauma. Its just that no one really talks about it. Actually, I think that’s because its hard and painful to talk about. But writing has really helped me.
I am in a much better place with the PTSD now (still dealing with the lingering depression). And that is very much thanks to the EMDR therapy I had earlier this year. There is definitely hope, and ways out of the torment, so keep looking!!