Asana, chattaranga, Clues, Proverbs, Stretching, Untold stories, Vulnerable, Yoga
All too often, we humans keep ourselves moving in the same patterns. We have what we perceive of as our boundaries and rarely do we stray from them.
It’s not often that people question or challenge how we move through this life… unless we do.
This week, I’ve been having some rather interesting conversations with a friend. Which in itself is not unusual.
Some of the topics we discussed however have tied neatly in together in the mind of this crazy yogini.
First up – a discussion about yoga practice – and how the so-called limitations of the body are in fact only limitations of the mind.
Flexibility of the body, we agreed, isn’t ‘fixed’. Under anaesthetic, human beings enjoy a full range of motion (well we might enjoy it if we weren’t knocked out cold). Yet when we’re ‘awake’, many people can’t so much as touch their toes.
And we talked about how surprising it can be sometimes when ‘suddenly’ you find it possible to do certain yoga poses (asana) when previously you couldn’t. But, actually, it’s possible you’ve been building up your capacity for some time and it’s just that you still thought you couldn’t (my detested chattaranga is improving all the time!).
Then today – nattering over IM as usual, we started approaching darker topics for both of us… although at first very light-heartedly… then I suddenly found myself on somewhat shaky ground. A question came up, one I couldn’t answer directly.
But – I felt brave enough to try to provide the answer, if somewhat cryptically. The only way I could get it out was to provide clues pointing the way.
Even that much though, was really, really hard. It was enough to bring pain to my throat and tears to my eyes. But I wanted to try, anyway. It felt like a moment of possibility, one I could choose to ignore, or go for it and see what happened.
Jay thought it was a little odd I didn’t seem to mind telling him the things I did (even if he did have to guess through my clues) – it’s just that for me, getting the information out… well, it’s the thing that hurts so very, very much.
Yet despite a little anxiety this evening, I’m doing okay. Much better than I thought I’d be.
And it’s a step in the right direction.
Because really, unless I try… then how will I ever find my way out of this darkness?
Sure, during that conversation I felt incredibly vulnerable. But sometimes that’s the point when I feel the most open to attempt something new. As scary as it might feel, it’s even scarier to think my only option is retreating away each and every time.
And just like taking another crack at an asana you’ve always found difficult… if you don’t try you’ll never know. Your attempt requires you to stretch both your body and mind just a little more than before. Until finally, you find you’re already there.
There’s still a lot of information I’m not okay with voicing. And I know why, I think.
Something my therapist said is that perhaps this assault was the proverbial straw so to speak… the final extra load I couldn’t carry.
There’s more, you see.
Much more – some of which I’ve shared here a little, but there’s much that I haven’t.
I think it’s true, that there’s been some kind of slow toxic build up. So my terror, the suffering – all of it – isn’t really just about Andre and that one night.
And I’m hoping as I get braver, that digging deeper into the mire is something I can do.
Part of the problem though, is that while being assaulted was something I couldn’t control… possibly there are things in my past that I did have control over.
Things I feel shame and guilt about. And I certainly wonder what anyone reading here might think if I were to write about them. I wonder if they’d judge me, form different ideas in their minds about who I am?
I don’t know really. But I’m willing to try.
I agree you are doing an amazing job. I don’t doubt for one little minute you will come out the winner. Your strength shines through.
Chunks of Reality said:
Thank you so much for sharing that picture. I wish I could do that. Yes, I know I could if I would get off my fat butt….
That woman is awesome and so are you!
Just read Jennifer’s latest post about shame and saw your comment following, then thought I hadn’t been here this week….and wow, this post of yours is along the same line, while being totally different. Maybe 2009 will be a year of a great opening in people’s self expression; it seems to be stirring in the blogosphere. It does seem to be the place with no limitations of the mind, a very flexible place to be.
@tricia – thank you! Let’s hope so, eh? And I will be hoping the same for you, too.
@Chunks – Awww, thanks! 😉
I’m gonna write up some stuff on a yoga series that’s actually not hard to do, no matter who you are. And its all a matter of getting in there. Then, sure, its possible you could do what the old granny is doing in the photo!!
I’ll certainly be here, listening with empathy, without judging (and who am I to judge, anyway??). I think we can be the harshest judges of our own behavior. Ultimately, it’s so much better to have it out. You have a supportive audience, too.
(I love the picture you’ve chosen for this post, btw).
Your strength really does show through. Thanks for reading my blog. Some days when it is really hard for me to even function because the ‘black dog’ is savaging me, it helps to know that I am not isolated. All the best.
Bobby Revell said:
I reject the entire notion of judging or judgment–that’s something courts do–and I would certainly never judge anything you write or you. Share what you feel comfortable with and keep chipping away.
There’s only one thing about me I haven’t shared on my blog, but I cannot because of legal purposes and that’s about to end next year. At that point, I will be a complete open book and I cannot wait. Stay strong, be strong and live strong. I believe in you Svasti! 🙂
@Lydia – Maybe 2009 will be just that for many people. Interestingly for me, astrologically its a new planetary cycle for me. A much more powerful one than the past ten years or so. And I feel that strength starting to course through me…
@Jennifer – Yeah, we really can be our own worst judges. We make things that probably aren’t a big deal, into something ‘criminal’ in our own minds. Now that I’ve told the person I needed to tell the basics of these stories… I feel braver about putting them out here.
@Andrew – Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I think that’s the thing – there’s so many of us who are going through suffering of one kind or another. We really aren’t alone. The blogoshpere makes that abundantly clear.
@Bobby – I really appreciate what you say, and of course, I’m pretty aware, especially after the weekend just gone that I’m my own worst judge. I like your attitude of ‘can not wait’ about sharing everything and anything. 🙂
Hey, it’s a new planetary cycle for me too! I think I’m feeling the surge of new energy and vision. i’m Capricorn; you?
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker said:
Svasti, anyone who does judge you doesn’t matter. My fear of being judged by others was what kept me in the childhood abuse of incest. I was afraid if others knew, they would say the incest was my fault, that I was a bad person who deserved what she got. None of that was true but I was too afraid to reach out and tell anyone because of that fear. I was especially afraid that my mom would blame me so I kept silent. I was 11 years old. I may have been much younger but my conscious memories start when I was 11.
Years later what I learned was that each time I talked about the abuse and each time that I faced my fears, they were easier to confront next time. Pick a safe person to trust with your knowledge, someone that you know won’t hurt you or use the knowledge against you.
In addition to counseling, I was able to find two 12-Step groups that let me talk about the incest until I talked it all out of my mind and body. I was blessed that my dad was an alcoholic as well as a sexual predator so I could go to Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings as an outlet to find people to trust.
@Lydia – I’m talking my Vedic chart and I’m coming into my Mars cycle. 🙂
@Patricia – That’s wonderful that you’ve found the tools to help you in the way that works best for you. I have picked a safe person, someone I know I can trust implicitly, and I’ve told them the things I need to now… so I can get started.
It might have to wait a couple of weeks though, as I’m about to take a short trip interstate. More on that soon!
Bobby Revell said:
Just a thought. When you open up about it all (within reason) nobody can come back and point something out about you…you’ve already written it..it’s old news.
On the other hand, if I ever became a well known author, I may delete many articles LOL! 🙂
Dano MacNamarrah said:
Thank you so much for your continued support and kindness during my recent struggles.
When I first started CBT about five or so years ago, I was terrified of talking about my feelings. My upbringing made this a big issue for me, which truly twisted me, as I have a mood disorder!
The truth is a wonderful gift. It is freedom. And if some one feels that they are able to cast the biblical first stone, they may be in need of a little self-honesty themselves.
People who judge? Feck ’em with a chainsaw, gently!
@Bobby – This is true, if its out there, who can point fingers? But yeah, it all depends on circumstance! 😉
@Dano – You’re welcome, good to see you commenting again. Glad you’re feeling better(ish). Its not so much I suppose, about worrying what people think about what I’ve done, as to the choices I’ve made. As a relatively intelligent person, I’ve made some very dumb choices. Then, I guess – don’t we all?