Been feeling out of sorts all day. Highly paranoid. Anxious. Stressed. Restless. Just generally not having a good day for no particular reason.
Then my mobile phone rings. The woman on the phone is confirming tomorrow’s appointment with my new therapist – the one who does EMDR.
Even then, I didn’t get it. Busy as I was, doing five hundred things (work has been like that all week). So I was all – Yep, sure I’ll be there tomorrow. Great, thanks.
Worked from 8.30am-6.30pm (said I was busy, didn’t I?) and then revelling in the soon-to-be-ending daylight savings, enjoyed my cycle home. Stopped in at service station for a couple of things, then, standing there stuffing things into my pannier bags…
[Sound of penny dropping]
Oh…
Haven’t been to a therapy session with H since January, when we decided I’d give EMDR a go.
Took a few weeks to actually get to speak to the new therapist. She sounds different to H – sort of more measured, less earthy or something. Brisker.
Apparently she won’t do any EMDR stuff tomorrow. First session is just all getting to know me, getting to know all about me…
Again. Have to go through telling someone new all of my crap all over again. Gotta get used to someone new. And, ummm, I’m pretty sure in the past I’ve mentioned my horrible pre-therapy anxiety??
Flying under the radar, that’s what’s been eating at me today, damnit!
I know how this goes. I feel… quite okay right now actually. Been on a relatively even keel of late. Possibly because in my last session with H she didn’t really press any deeper again, knowing nothing was gonna change right there. Then there was my mini yoga retreat, which helped a lot, too.
But it’s waiting for me.
That slippery but stubbornly lodged boulder. It hasn’t budged, regardless. Its been hiding ‘neath other issues, smirking snidely coz it was concealed there all along.
And while H and I were busy dealing with other issues, it gathered it’s strength for the Great Sit In – the last few months, since H uncovered its existence.
Hell no, we wont go! It chants silently… very sure of itself, it is.
Its weapons are my body’s very visceral reactions – tears, choking, coughing, a racing heart, physical pain.
Freakin’ nasty little bastard.
And tomorrow I’m talking to someone I don’t know or trust, not yet anyway. No guarantee we’ll hit it off either. But in order to find out if we can work together, I have to reveal some very personal things to her – the contents of this blog.
My insides don’t feel so happy right about now… and I know it’s only gonna get worse as the clock ticks onwards tomorrow afternoon. Stomach pain, sweating, nervousness…
Breathe. Its time to remember to breathe…
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
Hope it goes well tomorrow xxx
Hey Svasti, Sending big bearish hugs your way…just wrapping you all up in sweet long breaths and courage.
It would be nice if she could just sorta sit and read the blog,huh…and then ask you questions.
Couple of years ago, my therapist got so confused about my life that she asked me to write it down….that was the start of the memoir I’ve been working on for ..oh …years now!
Oh dear, Svasti–here’s a (((((((((hug)))))))) for you. It sounds as though you are a little discombobulated today–and no wonder, it IS very anxiety-inducing to have to break in new therapists. Choosing a new therapist is far different from finding another type of doctor–because so much more trust is involved when we confide our deepest thoughts, fear, dreams, etc. I always tell people that they should not feel ‘stuck’ with anyone (and I am not saying that you do at all)–it’s just that it IS so traumatic to find a new one that we often settle for someone who is not so perfect. For me, it actually took about 10 different visits to various people before I found someone who I thought would work for me and my situation.
I have heard wonderful things about EMDR, although I never did use it myself. From the research I have read, there has been much success in using this therapeutic approach to deal with trauma.
When I am anxious/upset about something, it is often generated by the negative dialogue I create in my head. I have found (with practice) that I am often able to reframe that negative dialogue so that I can view whatever that’s troubling me in a different light (i.e. this is good–I am being proactive, showing love for myself by seeking a new type of treatment, etc).
I wish you all the best and hope that nasty anxiety bug kisses off!
Take care of yourself, my friend–we love you.
Melinda
Not looking forward to the prospect of having to share your story with someone new makes you very human. It can seem a little counter intuitive to relive events that we are trying to put behind us.
Give yourself permission to feel your fears but try to love those fears since they are a part of you. They are also quite normal emotions given the circumstances.
EMDR can be very effective for many suffering from PTSD. I hope that you find great success with it. Your story is nothing to be ashamed of even if it is hard to talk about with someone you have not developed a trusting relationship with. Move into it at your level of comfort and trust yourself to know the pace that is best for you.
May you have great success in your journey of healing.
Namaste,
Roger
So often you write posts that as I read I’m shaking my head up and down saying uh-huh. This is one. I hope this therapy will be something that will work for you Svasti. How wonderful that would be.
Remembering to breath is like life-sustaining advice. You will encounter obstacles. Remind yoruself life is 5% action and 95% how you choose to respond to what happens.
(((Hugs)))
I would be interested to hear how EMDR works for you.
I hate starting with a new therapist…it’s horrible…I have great empathy for your circumstance…
I’m glad to have the sense that I’ve found my last therapist. Hope I’m right.
best of luck to you. I hope she will be a calming and healing presence once you meet her…
some people have unpleasant or different phone demeanors and you find a very different person when you meet them.
If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.
The Gospel of Thomas
That first visit to a new shrink is certainly anxiety inducing…basically presenting yourself to a complete stranger and saying “here I am, here are my wounds, here are my weaknesses…etc.” Then, for somebody like me who’s had some really shitty experiences with some really shitty psychiatrists, it’s particularly bad. And, in this case, when you basically uncovered something and then kind of stepped away from therapy, so that now you’re having to dive back in at it after a more than a month of anticipation, how could it not leave you feeling really nervous.
At the same time, ultimately, you’re in control. There’s nothing in your mind that you can’t handle, and, in fact, it’ll only hurt you if you keep holding it in. Of course you know all that, in one part of your mind. As for that other part, just remember, if you need to scream, you’ve got people to scream to, including some who are on the other side of the planet….
One of the reasons I haven’t looked around for a therapist in this part of the world (outside of my tight grip on my free time, which I want to use for writing and not talking) is that whole getting to know you, getting to know all about you phase. So I applaud your decision and hope all goes well, that you two are compatible and eventually get around to freeing up that boulder.
Jennifer
My heart races thinking about how brave you are to take the leap of faith into the void this way. In reading Melinda’s comments I just really hope that you and the new therapist click right away. Now I must go find out what EMDR is (my sister is a psychologist and has a private practice but we don’t ever discuss these things!).
I have had some really bad psychologists, and two wonderful ones. Only went to one psychiatrist for one session. He told me I wasn’t crazy, didn’t need meds, asked me if I’d mind if he took a call coming in because “it’s a patient who is in deep trouble,” and sent me back out there with my denial fully validated! Sadly, two years later he was visiting a patient in the state hospital in the guy’s room and the nurses heard a blood-curdling scream as he attempted to get out to the hall, but it was too late. The patient had detached a part of his iron bed frame and beat the doctor to death right there in the ward.
Again, I’m impressed that you are going for it. I wish I was as brave as you are!
Dear all, I must say I’m overwhelmed by everyone’s responses here…
The appointment was good, except of course for the intense anxiety I experienced right up til I sat down with her. Oh, and the fact that I cried at work just before I left, from merely mentioning I was about to go to my appointment.
And then when I sat down, I don’t think I got more than a couple of sentences out before it all came rushing back.
Its a little early to tell, but I think she can help me, possibly. I’ll write up more about the session this weekend.
@Bird – Thank you for finding my blog, reading some stuff and leaving a few comments. Great to get to know you 🙂
@laughingyogini – bearish hugs are good, very good! Yeah, it would be cool if she could read this blog. H (my other therapist) has read some of it…
@Melinda – Both H and this new lady (AN) have been very – ‘oh, we’ll leave it up to you as to whether you stay with one or the other therapist. Which is great in theory, but doesn’t help my paranoia and feelings of rejection! That said, I have felt comfortable with H, but everyone offers something different. AN was great today, but it was really just a ‘history taking’ session, so we haven’t done any real work yet. All will be revealed.
She seems to think EMDR will really be helpful in my situation. Fingers crossed, eh?
@Roger – I’m actually a little bored with the re-telling – which is part of why I wrote this blog. Its a bit like… wanna know some of this stuff? Here’s the URL! And I’m also very frustrated that I seem to be stuck. And having to explain all of that, plus giving myself a hard time for still being stuck, plus the incredible well of emotion sitting there waiting to overflow at any minute. It aint easy… Namaste
@tricia – I’m hoping so, too. Really, really hoping so! AN seems to think all the physical reactiveness will go away. I sincerely hope she’s right.
@Liara – Breathing is always good, we generally don’t pay enough attention to breathing. But bringing our awareness back to that very simple act, can be very centering. Unfortunately, the decisions that cause the reactions I’m having are occuring much faster than I can observe. And its very scary to experience, let alone explain to others…
@Michelle – I will be sharing what I learn here. Next appointment is in two weeks time.
@giannakali – The briskness I felt on the phone, was definitely not there so much in person. She’s very astute and picked up a lot about my ‘stuff’ in an hour. Of course, it helps that I’ve done so much work with H already. I do like her I think, but the proof will be in the work we do in two more weeks.
@Jay – as you well know, I do realise all of that (so thanks anyway for the reminder). But what I find particularly annoying is the completely irrational part of my mind that doesn’t give a hoot about what I know with my logical and sound mind. In fact, there’s hardly any recognition of anything, in that scared and fearful place.
That’s why its so tough to move through and also why I’m trying this new technique.
I know I’ve got friends, and I’m incredibly grateful 🙂
@Jennifer – My decision basically comes down to being utterly sick of this nutty cycle of ‘stuff’ that refuses to resolve. I want it out, gone – just… eradicated! Its not so easy of course, but the only way for any of that to happen is to take the steps. They’re hard, but I have to if I want my sanity back…
@Lydia – I don’t know if you can click with a new therapist on the first visit. For me, its a time thing… but she was nice and helpful enough, and asked me interesting questions that made me feel she’s on the ball.
Without a doubt, there are many nutters in the world of therapy (and not just the patients!) but I think the proof is in the pudding – if its not working then it can’t be ‘right’ for you. Right?
I don’t know that what I’m doing is brave, more just that if I want my life ‘back’ (not that it will ever be like it was before), if I want to not be subject to sudden crying fits or panic attacks and so on…. then I have no choice but to go through it til I reach the shore on the other side of the ocean…
Hope things go well. Thinking of you while I am battling to cope with pushing my own boulder uphill.
All the best,
http://www.strayblackdog.co.uk
@Andrew – Thank you, and I know you’re having a hard time. Keep moving forward 🙂
Have you ever heard of this book?
“What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Depression: The Breakthrough Integrative Approach for Effective Treatment ”
by Michael B. Schachter and Deborah Mitchell?
Just a thought
good night
I hope it goes well. It’s painful switching from therapist and therapist and having to re-hash and re-mold your trust with this person. I’ve had to do it so many times I was beginning to feel like a passed around child, except I was doing the passing. Then it’s more of a slut-feeling, knowing there are at least 5 or 6 people out there who know everything about you. I’ve stopped panicking about that, finally.
Anyway, stop calling the anxiety names, and it’ll treat you better. Seriously. ♥
*huggles*
Hope your appointment went well yesterday. I know the deal with going through all of that. First, it was the initial consultation at the Mood Clinic, then I had to meet with the liason between the Mood Clinic & the Anxiety Clinic, then in May I get to do GROUP THERAPY.
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER.
Ain’t life just GRAND?! 😛
Hi Svasti ~ I’m going through a strange period myself at the moment: irregular heart beat, sweating and also hot and cold palms, dizziness, fitful sleeping. I have to admit to myself that I live on the edge and that sometimes I go over and then have to clamber up again.
I had a ‘funny turn’ on-stage last Sunday and the effects have stayed with me. Stress? Panic attacks? (or heart problems) I’m seeing a Dr on Monday Morning before going to Liverpool…and that will be a stressfull day in itself. Get the car to the garage at 8am…Doctors at 9am….Pick up car at 11am and then a 130ml drive to Liverpool. Start sound-check and rehearsals at 2pm….show at 7.30pm…finish at 10pm and then find accommodation.
I get stressed just thinking about it – but then I regularly work 12 hour days, usually 14.
So what’s the difference now? I guess I’ve fallen out of love with my job – Love is what gives it Quality.
Talking about quality and bikes…have you read “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”? About a man who became obsessed with quality and nearly lost everything.
Quality for me = Love
With Love, I don’t feel the long hours and I am never lonely. Sometimes I go to Spiritual Healing to touch the love.
I don’t know if this relates to you – but I hope that something may touch a chord. (You have touched a Chord with me) With Love I forget myself and at the same time also find my true self.
There is a passage from a poem by ee cummings, which keeps going through my head in times of stress and lostness….the last four words in particular help me a lot:
And in a Mystery to be
When time from Time shall set us free
Forgetting Me – Remember Me
Love
henry
@Betty Bastai – thank you for the book reccomendation!
@Jaleesa – yep, it went okayish… as okay as such things go.
@Mittsie – thanks for the ‘huggles’ – love that idea! 😉
@soulMerlin – Sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I certainly can relate. Panic attacks really blow, so I hope its something else for your sake!
Haven’t read that book, but I’ve heard of it.
The idea of love helping things be so much more bearable. Yeah.
When I was in Sydney for a week at the end of January, I was surrounded by people who love me. And what a wonderful experience that is, every time.
As you say, its not just about ‘you’ when love is present – its about others.
Nice poem, thanks for your thoughts. 🙂