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Been feeling out of sorts all day. Highly paranoid. Anxious. Stressed. Restless. Just generally not having a good day for no particular reason.

Then my mobile phone rings. The woman on the phone is confirming tomorrow’s appointment with my new therapist – the one who does EMDR.

Even then, I didn’t get it. Busy as I was, doing five hundred things (work has been like that all week). So I was all – Yep, sure I’ll be there tomorrow. Great, thanks.

Worked from 8.30am-6.30pm (said I was busy, didn’t I?) and then revelling in the soon-to-be-ending daylight savings, enjoyed my cycle home. Stopped in at service station for a couple of things, then, standing there stuffing things into my pannier bags…

[Sound of penny dropping]

Oh…

Haven’t been to a therapy session with H since January, when we decided I’d give EMDR a go.

Took a few weeks to actually get to speak to the new therapist. She sounds different to H – sort of more measured, less earthy or something. Brisker.

Apparently she won’t do any EMDR stuff tomorrow. First session is just all getting to know me, getting to know all about me…

Again. Have to go through telling someone new all of my crap all over again. Gotta get used to someone new. And, ummm, I’m pretty sure in the past I’ve mentioned my horrible pre-therapy anxiety??

Flying under the radar, that’s what’s been eating at me today, damnit!

I know how this goes. I feel… quite okay right now actually. Been on a relatively even keel of late. Possibly because in my last session with H she didn’t really press any deeper again, knowing nothing was gonna change right there. Then there was my mini yoga retreat, which helped a lot, too.

But it’s waiting for me.

That slippery but stubbornly lodged boulder. It hasn’t budged, regardless. Its been hiding ‘neath other issues, smirking snidely coz it was concealed there all along.

And while H and I were busy dealing with other issues, it gathered it’s strength for the Great Sit In – the last few months, since H uncovered its existence.

Hell no, we wont go! It chants silently… very sure of itself, it is.

Its weapons are my body’s very visceral reactions – tears, choking, coughing, a racing heart, physical pain.

Freakin’ nasty little bastard.

And tomorrow I’m talking to someone I don’t know or trust, not yet anyway. No guarantee we’ll hit it off either. But in order to find out if we can work together, I have to reveal some very personal things to her – the contents of this blog.

My insides don’t feel so happy right about now… and I know it’s only gonna get worse as the clock ticks onwards tomorrow afternoon. Stomach pain, sweating, nervousness…

Breathe. Its time to remember to breathe…

~Svasti

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