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On Sunday, someone I adore told me via Twitter to cheer the fuck up – which made me giggle… seriously I’ve been a little maudlin lately. I know it, okay??

New therapist

Friday’s session with the new therapist was pretty much just a history taking session. All about me (not a topic I enjoy so much). Before I even got there I’d already cried at work… cycled a short way to the therapist’s place then cried again before three sentences had passed my lips.

It’s still such a large glowing ball of pain and grief with the power to open one of its many waterways at the drop of a hat – which really annoys me. As I told AN (new therapist), I’m sick to death of it all.

But AN thinks she can help clear out all of the physiological responses, the trauma reactions that make no sense. Stuff that’s preventing me from moving forward. GOOD!

I’ll see her again in two weeks for a two hour session – she says it won’t be easy, but the effort will be worth it. Fingers crossed, eh?

Got home from that session, sat still for a bit while the internal car crash of my emotions slowed down and stopped reverberating through my molecular structure.

Rocking under smoky skies

Luckily for me, that evening (Friday 13th) was far from unlucky.

My very good friend L had gotten us tickets for some event – I wasn’t even sure what it was. She just said – be outside the Arts Center at 6.30. Cool.

It was a brilliant night, unexpectedly so! There’s a very funky TV show here in Australia called Rockwiz, and in honour of the 50th anniversary of the Sidney Myer Music Bowl (fashioned after the Hollywood Bowl)… they did a live show there… under the smoky skies and blood red setting sun, tangible evidence finally, of the bushfires surrounding Melbourne.

Essentially it’s a music quiz show involving both members of the audience and rock stars making up teams. Between question sets are live performances of various songs related to the theme of the night.

We were also treated to a performance by a very youthful looking Judith Durham (wearing an outfit from her 70’s wardrobe) plus Ella Hooper (used to be Killing Heidi), Cram from Spiderbait, Adalita from Magic Dirt and a whole bunch of others. Lots of good musos!

The night ended with a classic 80’s Aussie rock band – the Hoodoo Gurus – playing a mini set of their hits (including Come Any Time, What’s My Scene, Bittersweet, 1000 Miles Away). The Hoodoos still rock!

Got home though, and noticed the moon… nasty looking reflection of the fires (still) consuming my home state.

Again with the blog awards

Woke up Saturday to discover the lovely Caroline of Laughing Yogini had bestowed the Triple Award on this blog… must be award season again ’round these parts.

[Pranamming deeply in gratitude for the acknowledgement]

One day I’m gonna just hand the lot of them out to a bunch of blog folk, but it won’t be today!! 😉

Rachel Getting Married

On Sunday, by some happy accident (my own inability to get places on time), I’d intended to see Milk, but ended up watching Rachel Getting Married instead.

Personally, I’ve sub-titled the movie Kymberly Getting Flattened.

A really amazing move, but capable of causing lots of tears. It’s not lightweight viewing.

Containing more than enough ‘ouch’ moments I could relate to, there was also plenty I couldn’t.

Like… the outbursts of intensely personal arguments in front of others. I found myself feeling quite mortified on Kymberly’s (Anne Hathaway being brilliantly dark) behalf when family secrets are vomited in front of family-in-law to be, friends and strangers alike.

My family just never does that shit, and while I recognise the benefit of speaking freely like that… it’s akin to running a rake over my soul.

Kym has a dark secret. One of those ‘don’t go there’ stories, stuff everyone in the family desperately wishes never happened. I can relate…

The person about whom so much is avoided and ignored, although not entirely. Where no one wants to face up to the reality, or to their own part in what happened. And everyone tries to pretend it’s over but then, hits a speed bump drawing ugliness from the depths.

Reflected in Kym’s misery and deep abiding self-loathing, she even managed to say it out loud – I can’t forgive myself.

For how many of us does this ring true? Certainly, it’s something I struggle with.

Not to mention the intense sisterly dynamics, the emotionally distant mother, the father trying to keep it all together (and not very well).

There were times in the movie when I palpably felt Kym’s wish for obliteration, way before she crashed the car… a wish I’ve had for myself more than once.

Thing I liked most of all is the way the movie ends – Kym isn’t healed, no one has magically gotten better. Life goes on imperfectly, everyone doing what they can. Loving each other as you do with family, but not necessarily liking everyone all the time.

Kym has the sort of strength I think you can only get from being wounded and making a firm decision to get better – and her power is in her resolve, as fragile as that might seem at times.

Again, I can relate…

~Svasti

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