Tags
Anne Hathaway, blog award, Blood moon, Ella Hooper, EMDR, Friday 13th, Hoodoo Gurus, Magic Dirt, Rachel Getting Married, Rockwiz, Sidney Myer Music Bowl, SPiderbait, The Laughing Yogini, The Seekers, Therapy, Twitter
On Sunday, someone I adore told me via Twitter to cheer the fuck up – which made me giggle… seriously I’ve been a little maudlin lately. I know it, okay??
New therapist
Friday’s session with the new therapist was pretty much just a history taking session. All about me (not a topic I enjoy so much). Before I even got there I’d already cried at work… cycled a short way to the therapist’s place then cried again before three sentences had passed my lips.
It’s still such a large glowing ball of pain and grief with the power to open one of its many waterways at the drop of a hat – which really annoys me. As I told AN (new therapist), I’m sick to death of it all.
But AN thinks she can help clear out all of the physiological responses, the trauma reactions that make no sense. Stuff that’s preventing me from moving forward. GOOD!
I’ll see her again in two weeks for a two hour session – she says it won’t be easy, but the effort will be worth it. Fingers crossed, eh?
Got home from that session, sat still for a bit while the internal car crash of my emotions slowed down and stopped reverberating through my molecular structure.
Rocking under smoky skies
Luckily for me, that evening (Friday 13th) was far from unlucky.
My very good friend L had gotten us tickets for some event – I wasn’t even sure what it was. She just said – be outside the Arts Center at 6.30. Cool.
Essentially it’s a music quiz show involving both members of the audience and rock stars making up teams. Between question sets are live performances of various songs related to the theme of the night.
We were also treated to a performance by a very youthful looking Judith Durham (wearing an outfit from her 70’s wardrobe) plus Ella Hooper (used to be Killing Heidi), Cram from Spiderbait, Adalita from Magic Dirt and a whole bunch of others. Lots of good musos!
The night ended with a classic 80’s Aussie rock band – the Hoodoo Gurus – playing a mini set of their hits (including Come Any Time, What’s My Scene, Bittersweet, 1000 Miles Away). The Hoodoos still rock!
Got home though, and noticed the moon… nasty looking reflection of the fires (still) consuming my home state.
Again with the blog awards
Woke up Saturday to discover the lovely Caroline of Laughing Yogini had bestowed the Triple Award on this blog… must be award season again ’round these parts.
[Pranamming deeply in gratitude for the acknowledgement]
One day I’m gonna just hand the lot of them out to a bunch of blog folk, but it won’t be today!! 😉
Rachel Getting Married
On Sunday, by some happy accident (my own inability to get places on time), I’d intended to see Milk, but ended up watching Rachel Getting Married instead.
Personally, I’ve sub-titled the movie Kymberly Getting Flattened.
A really amazing move, but capable of causing lots of tears. It’s not lightweight viewing.
Containing more than enough ‘ouch’ moments I could relate to, there was also plenty I couldn’t.
Like… the outbursts of intensely personal arguments in front of others. I found myself feeling quite mortified on Kymberly’s (Anne Hathaway being brilliantly dark) behalf when family secrets are vomited in front of family-in-law to be, friends and strangers alike.
My family just never does that shit, and while I recognise the benefit of speaking freely like that… it’s akin to running a rake over my soul.
Kym has a dark secret. One of those ‘don’t go there’ stories, stuff everyone in the family desperately wishes never happened. I can relate…
The person about whom so much is avoided and ignored, although not entirely. Where no one wants to face up to the reality, or to their own part in what happened. And everyone tries to pretend it’s over but then, hits a speed bump drawing ugliness from the depths.
Reflected in Kym’s misery and deep abiding self-loathing, she even managed to say it out loud – I can’t forgive myself.
For how many of us does this ring true? Certainly, it’s something I struggle with.
Not to mention the intense sisterly dynamics, the emotionally distant mother, the father trying to keep it all together (and not very well).
There were times in the movie when I palpably felt Kym’s wish for obliteration, way before she crashed the car… a wish I’ve had for myself more than once.
Thing I liked most of all is the way the movie ends – Kym isn’t healed, no one has magically gotten better. Life goes on imperfectly, everyone doing what they can. Loving each other as you do with family, but not necessarily liking everyone all the time.
Kym has the sort of strength I think you can only get from being wounded and making a firm decision to get better – and her power is in her resolve, as fragile as that might seem at times.
Again, I can relate…
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
I want to see that movie but can never seem to get to a theater to see anything I want to see, ever. I like it when movies and books end with loose ends. It’s more like real life that way. I think it’s really great when the storyline is as heavy as this movie seems to be. I just finished The Bell Jar after years of trying to read it…anyway, it ended open-ended and I think I wouldn’t have liked it as much if it had ended well.
Anyway, congrats on the blog award!
Svasti,
I remember when I would just burst into tears at a moment’s notice–although for me, it would sometimes happen when I was sitting in one of my classes–or having a conversation with a friend–out of nowhere, it seemed. It is part of the process–but my heart goes out to you because when the emotional rollercoaster has a firm grip on a person, it’s not a fun ride.
I really hope AN is able to help you rip out your trauma from the roots–so that all that will remain will be an empty shell of where it once festered. My thoughts and prayers are with you for that–I send you my best, positive, healing energy–I wish for your life to be filled with light, peace, and goodness. You deserve all those things.
I have not yet seen Rachel Getting Married but have heard great things about it–perhaps I will go with one of my girlfriends since hubby doesn’t really care for the more emotional type of movies. I do recommend Milk! It’s a wonderful film–I saw it in San Francisco over the Holidays and the energy from the SF audience made it even more special.
Peace and light to you, dear Svasti–here’s a (((((((hug))))))) to help you to continue on your journey.
Melinda
“everyone tries to pretend it’s over but then…”–that’s something I can really relate to, particularly in terms of family gatherings…I can remember times when I wanted to scream “how dare you act like we’re a happy, well adjusted family!” I didn’t, since even then I knew that at least trying to happy isn’t or shouldn’t be a crime, and that, at that point, I was actually less willing to work things out than any of them–way too comfortable in my bitterness and not wanting to let anybody off the hook…though, obviously, I was showing up so that I didn’t want to completely cut myself off from these people I felt so bitter toward, either…particularly since the person I was most bitter toward was most certainly myself…which is why I could relate to Rachel Getting Married so much…on the one hand seeing Kym as this complete nightmare doing everything she can, it seems, to wreck the party, but, at the same time, knowing exactly how she feels…a stranger in a strange land that happens to be her own life….
Too bad you have to wait two weeks for your next session, but then maybe you need that time to ready yourself. I will have my fingers crossed for you.
We are coming up on the season here when our sun and moon will look much like yours. Such an awful thing.
The movie sounds worthwhile but I rarely watch movies these days. Probably should. 🙂
@Jaleesa – You should go see it. I have trouble getting to see movies I like too, and often end up seeing them on DVD, damnit. But go see it if for no other reason than because it isn’t one of the pieces of sugary Hollywood confection so often proffered…
@Melinda – Thank you for your kindness and well wishes. I really hate the crying stuff – drives me crazy. There’s been so many times where I thought I was done with it all, only to find myself in a pool of tears once again.
I hope AN can help me too.
Go See Rachel Getting Married – you’ll love it. I will see Milk, and try to catch up on the great movies I’m so woefully behind in seeing (there’s at least five or more I need to see very soon).
@Jay – Yeah, Christmas just gone was a little like that for me, too. Especially so, but then, that was just about more recent stuff. Its not so much the trying to be happy that I object to, as the complete ignoring of all the stuff that hasn’t been dealt with.
Y’know, I didn’t see Kym so much as a nightmare (even though some of her actions were clearly ‘out there’)… I just really related to her. And in my mind, she was doing the best she could. In fact, in their own ways, all of the family characters were doing the best they could, problem being all these coping mechanisms are just crashing into each other very badly.
A stranger in a strange land that happens to be her own life – yeah, that I can relate to…
@tricia – Two weeks was the earliest we could book a two hour session. And yeah, I probably need the break, given the emotional fall out I’ve been dealing with in the past couple of days.
I do believe you should get yourself off to a movie or two – have a bit of fun! You deserve it!! 😉
Oh the getting to know me meeting with a new therapist — yuk! I’ll keep my mental fingers crossed that it works out to be really helpful for you.
Gotta admit, I’m shocked that somebody would express something as crude as “cheer the fuck up” to you…who would even think of saying such a thing?
@Immi – Definitely not the nicest part… but tell me what exactly is nice about therapy except (hopefully) the end result?
@Jay – Yeah I know, sounds harsh! But then, I know it was said with much love, which makes it perfectly okay 🙂
I’ve never heard of that film (I don’t get out nearly enough!) thank you for the review!
gah, I hope it was a good friend who twittered that (sounds rude for those not in the know! and I do wish you all the best with the new therapist that has to be a brave move!
take care,
Cat
@cat – oh yes, it was a good friend and it was said with love and humour – I wouldn’t have giggled otherwise. 🙂
Thank you for your good wishes. I hope things go well, too. And thanks for your beautiful art!
A really interesting (absorbing) post. Everything of you is there. Happy and sad – problems…but as you say
“Life goes on imperfectly, everyone doing what they can. Loving each other as you do with family, but not necessarily liking everyone all the time.”
There is quite a difference between Loving and Liking – it takes wisdom to know that
love
henry
(and experience)
xh
totally off topic from your post, but….
sweetmango has an etsy.com shop if you like her art….she’s in Australia — for all you know, y’all might be neighbors (and yes I know Australia is a huge country!)
peace,
L
p.s. Milk is a great movie
You are learning the power of learning to laugh at and with yourself. This is an intrinsic part of the healing process. Your readers laugh with you at the curious things that become a temporary, yet meaningful focus. Keep smiling!
@soulMerlin – Well, I don’t know if ‘everything’ about me is in this post, but probably a fair chunk 😉
And yes, the wisdom and experience to know the difference between love and like, and that you can dislike those you love at times… something I’ve had to learn a lot about with my family!
@linda – thanks for the tip off! She doesn’t have much in her Etsy store right now, but I’ll keep checking in.
@Liara Covert – Don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t laugh at myself. Wait for my next post, where I make fun of myself good and proper. Temporary, yep, its all very temporary! 😉