Tags
Right now, life feels like a swirling mass of colours blended together, so many shapes wanting to stand alone, but really, they’re all kinda layered one on top of the other, form collapsing, everything melding together.
Makes it a little hard to see clearly.
There’s that big stagnant lump of emotion o’ mine… I know its there, but right now, I’m almost completely unaware of where it’s at.
Courtesy of… losing my job, trying to find another, being absolutely over the moon with the birth of my new niece, talking to lawyers because my previous employers are being assholes and breaching their contract with me (and making lots of threats to try and get me to go quietly – am trying to weigh up what to do).
Then, I’m just really enjoying some time out. Doing not too much except seeing the niece, watching Veronica Mars on DVD and re-potting some of my plants.
Because I feel like it.
Actually, I’m not being quite as lazy as all that! I’ve gotten in touch with some recruiters, applied for a few jobs, and I’m halfway through writing up a flier offering my various professional services freelance. But it’s all been very half-hearted.
And… getting legal advice about my previous employer’s bastardry, and whether or not it’s worth my time and effort to fight them to pay me what they really owe me, instead of what they’re trying to get away with paying me. Still deciding on that one…
Also, I’ve been neglecting my blog a little, really. There’s so many stories I’m in the middle of telling and I’m fully aware of that…
I plan to wrap up the Guru story some time soon. And then there’s the relationship back-history stuff, painting a picture (for myself as much as anyone else), helping me see how I got to the point where I ended up being assaulted. There’s more to tell, but that takes energy I don’t have right now.
There’s all this ‘stuff’ clambering for my attention, and I’ve been doing, really, very little this week about any of it.
Yet, I’ve been doing enough of whatever it is I’ve occupied my time with… to avoid a glaringly obvious fact:
My appointment with the EMDR therapist is tomorrow.
Two hours worth of digging through my emotional dross. And I’m going in blind. Can’t quite assess where I’m at with all of that stuff, on account of all the white noise.
Which is pretty scary. I mean, I know I can handle it. But I just hate the not knowing, and the nasty emotional download that I know is coming.
I can’t feel it at all right now. But that doesn’t mean its not there. Not at all. I’ve been here before, so I know…
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
Svasti,
I know too little about you but I’ve seen you at blogs I like.
As you said it will go away even thought we cannot see how and when.
I hope EMDR can help you.
Hope you find peace of mind soon.
((((((((SVASTI)))))))))))
@Ana – Many thanks for your kind words. Yes, I really must read your blog more often, too!
I can certainly relate to the first paragraph of this post in particular. You do have a lot going on but I hope it will be better for you once this EMDR appointment is behind you.
@tricia – Nothing in this world is for certain… but yeah, I’m hoping this session helps!
Yup, you’ve been here before…and you survived…coming out of it as the beautiful yourself you are–that’s the important thing.
And considering how fast the losing job thing happened, I’m amazed that you’re moving so quickly–I’d be sitting around in a stupor for at least a couple weeks…or out partying maybe…anyway, definitely not taking various kinds of appropriate, practical action.
Hope you’re still on the first season or two of Veronica Mars. The last (third?) season suuuuucked….
@Jay – I don’t even know if the practical actions I’m taking are enough. And right now, I don’t care. Well, I sorta do, but I also sorta don’t.
Nope, I was on the third series (now finnished) and yeah it did suck. Time to watch that other movie, that one you told me about with the janitor/artist dude…
I think a lot of people can relate to your situation… Here’s sending a little energy, strength and happy your way… 🙂
@Michelle (Artscapes) – thank you, yes I think you’re right – many people can relate to this situation…
Dear Svasti,
It sounds as though there is a bit of ‘in flux’ going on. What with leaving one job (and contemplating legal action to boot), figuring out what direction you want to go professionally, having a lovely new niece to dote on, all while in the back of your mind you have that first EMDR session coming up –well, it’s no wonder that there’s a bit of emotional confusion surrounding you. Those emotions would likely knock me for a loop!
However, it sounds as though you are moving with the flow, which is good! Sometimes, when life is uncertain for me–I just travel down the road, without pushing myself too hard in any one direction. It seems that if I keep my heart, mind and possibilities open, I usually figure out which path to take.
I think you are going to feel a lot more balanced after that therapy session. I really hope it goes well for you Svasti–I will be sending you my best healing energy across the many miles to Australia.
Take care of yourself, my friend–and congrats again on the birth of the new little one.
Melinda
@Melinda – Instead of being knocked for a loop, I’m just numb to what’s coming. And I’m not sure what would be worse right now – feeling it as its happening, or this horrible ‘faux’ calm I’m dealing with.
Here’s hoping today’s session does really help, and not just leave me even more unbalanced (that’s happened before, too).
Don’t be too hard on yourself S–sounds to me like you are being plenty “full-hearted” with your job search and dealing with all the ups and downs that have been coming your way. It is our nature to always think less ourselves but I think you are doing great. Hugs!
@Michelle – Dunno if I was being hard on myself, or just feeling a little flabbergasted… so thanks! 🙂