What’s that place called? That in-between world? Not quite home yet, but somewhere along the way?
Feels strangely familiar, though I’ve never been here before. Has a lot in common with bus stops and airport lounges and waiting for a cab home late at night from places I’ve been all around the world.
But that’s not where I am right now, not at all.
Hardly any thinking occurs here. It’s kinda blank. Yeah, blank. And I feel so tired. There’s no reason to hold it in now, y’see… no need to pretend, keep up pretences.
And it feels like I’m not anywhere in particular, almost like it doesn’t have a latitude and longitude. But that can’t be true, right?
So how did I get here? Bought a ticket, that’s how!
I knew it’d be a trip, but apparently it’s hard to take good pictures along the way.
This place, it’s a sensate chasm.
Wringing out my nervous system, skin tingling pain – the kind that tells me good things are happening… despite the anguish.
But it’s all under the hood, so to speak, non-verbal, the re-structuring of my emotional landscape.
Sure, there’s stuff we talked about along the route. Looking at this scene, then that one.
Drawing up tears, emotions, pain, questions and haunting memories, imprinted there, since the night he…
So much, so fast, it’s hard to catch my breath. Can’t remember everything we said.
Not that it matters right now. Sleep is what I needed, sleep. A slumber to soothe rough edges, turn the soil and plant new saplings of hope.
To fill the vacuum, where once certain dreams held court, terrorising the breadth and depth of the kingdom. Happily, their landhold is now reduced. Weakened. Perhaps… not gone, not just yet.
But those eyes? The eyes of the predator that for years haunted me every day, without fail? The ones I could see without trying, eyes wide open? The photo-negative image containing so much rage and terror, like a brand, a tattoo, always there?
Must’ve left ‘em behind on my trip. In that other place.
Sometimes, it’s good to lose possessions you wish you’d never had.
~Svasti
Sounds as if you made progress in the session. Fill us in a little when you’ve had a chance to rest. Sweet dreams.
Those are some powerful words, Svasti! I think you are using alchemy to squeeze quite a bit from the in-between. Blessings to you.
Hey Svasti…found you thru JB’s blog :)
Wow – powerful and elegant description of your experience. I really hope you come through it with healing!
I almost get it now….
Focus on the fresh air…keep it there…where always….IS.
TRex-
Dear Svasti,
I believe I have been in a place very similar to where you are right now. Your post reminded me of when I took the first tentative steps to self-awareness, though therapy. I felt oddly removed from myself, from my emotions–and from those who had hurt me or who I had caused hurt. It was almost as though I was on the peripheral, watcihng myself journey. I realize now it was important to be somewhat detached at that point and to simply accept the path as it became known as I went along.
I send you my healing energy and compassion for the voyage you are undertaking. You will come through stronger, happier, and with so much more true tranquility.
Love and Light,
Melinda
I’d call that place “potential” or “possibility.” The ground’s crumbled beneath you, and it’s frightening not to have a firm place to stand, but, if you look around, you’ll see there are a lot of different places to be….
@tricia – I’m feeling a little more able to talk about it now, but I don’t have time til later this evening – am off to go see my new baby niece again today!!
@yogabrooks – Thanks! It was certainly a pretty powerful experience.
@Braja – Thanks for dropping by – your blog looks very interesting and I’m in the process of reading through your posts…
@Michelle (Artscapes) – As powerful as it was, honestly, its also very gentle in the fall out. Or, wait, was there any fall out? Yeah, a little. But not in a bad way.
@TRex – Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting!! Sometimes life needs nothing more than just letting things be as they are.
@Melinda – Things have definitely moved forwards, two days later. It really was only a transition place, but a necessary one to process everything I’d let go of that day.
All I can say is that I concur – EMDR is a very powerful healing method!
@Jay – Hmmm, I dunno if it was that, so much as what I just wrote above in reply to Melinda. A place where I could stand (or not) for a while, whilst the dross and remnants of that nasty emotional backlog was being cleaned out. Strange but positive and healthy process…
Svasti…thank-you so very much for the wise words you gave me. I am blessed and humbled by everyone’s comments.
What upsets me the most is that i should have done that a long time back. I’m madddd at me. I knew very well that it was wrong but i couldn’t let go of it. I’m still processing all of this. To be honest the conversation was longer but that was the main part that i wanted to get across.
I let myself be abused by her because I didn’t have the power to let it go, knowing that she had and was soothing her own needs and her own ego. I was disaapointed in myself for such a long time but that day when I hung up that phone I felt free. Free.. finally to regain all the pieces she stole from my soul. She made me forget what love was all about but now i know that love is still part of me and my soul is healing from her complete disregard for it and for me.
Thank-you for coming by and giving me words of comfort. I know what you have been through…. so it means alot to me and what I’ve been threw pales by comparrison. Your an amazing soul and this no one can take from you…..love surrounds us all with tenderness and care if we choose to hold it close no matter what has happened. Love is the most incredible act of selflessness we can offer another person.
Namaste and with great love
JB
Hi Svasti. Hope you’ve moved on from that limbo place and are feeling more centered. May a time come soon when you won’t have to travel through that “place” again…
@jb – Hey, you’re welcome honey! I just hope you find some peace for yourself, coz in the end all that hate isn’t good for your health.
@earthtoholly – I have moved on, and its been surprisingly easy. Proof in the pudding will be this Friday in my follow up session, when I get to see just how well this how thing has taken, not to mention whatever else we can dig up for processing!
You know…I am reminded of a moment in combat when time slowed due to my focus being so in the “moment”. This snapshot of time stayed in my head like a still picture…it would never goes away due the extreme exposure. But like any snapshot or still picture there were events which followed out of that frame of reference. For years afterward I maintained a strong connection to this photo in time…it was the center of my life…effecting everything everyday. At some point it occured to me that this specialness and reverence I maintained for this photo on the alter had run its course and was no longer needed…something took its place…My focus shifted to the now…like awakening from a dream awareness of the now stepped in….like going to the shower I left the dream of the photo.. ….cant really remember what it was exactly…guess it was not important…but today is.
TRex-
@TRex – Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I entirely get what you mean! I can’t ever say this visual was the center of my life, more like a frightening annoyance that never went away… I’m so glad you were able to shake your experience as well. :)