Tags
Bellydancer, Broken ribs, Depression, Guru, Head on, Human dignity, Kinetic energy, Medication, Muay Thai, Pharmaceuticals, Repression of the Self, Shiva, Susceptibility, Therapy, Vajra pride
Art by Lisa Longworth
This dusty and sticky cocoon of listlessness is claustrophobic at best. At worst… it’s just soooo boring.
Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I think it’ll never really claim me. Not fully. Not forever. Not to the point I can’t eventually pick myself up, even if I do need a little help.
Thing is, I get disgusted with it all in the end. The waste of time and space. Missing the beautiful weather and doing absolutely nothing.
For days. Hiding away, shirking my connection to this world – nature, people, fresh air, self-respect.
But it comes and goes.
Interesting for the first few days, perhaps, sort of. Or, just all-consuming. When the worst of the darkness has passed and I’m still alive and breathing, then… what then?
Need to stop staying up all night (waiting for… what exactly?), start waking up at a decent time, have a shower in the mornings instead of late in the day (if at all), feed myself nourishing food and re-engage with my dignity as a human being.
Dignity, just for being alive.
It’s called Vajra pride – or relating to the world as if you and Shiva (or God or the Universe, or whatever you call it, or not) are one. You are the sun, you are the creative force, you’re already all of these things. And if you are those things, then how does it feel to relate to the world like that?
Now as meanings go, sure, that’s contrived. Like they all are. But it’s a heck of a lot better to relate to that kind of meaning than some others that’ve been floating around in my mind of late.
My Guru once explained that depression is a high energy state, even though it appears to be the opposite. That, maintaining such repression of the Self, is like trying to hold a basketball underwater. You can do it, but its not the natural state of things and it takes a fair bit of effort. And that when the ball is released, it shoots upwards. All that kinetic energy is finally available. So what are you gonna do with it?
Kind of annoying, but good to be aware that once you’ve let depression in, you’re always susceptible. I’ve never felt quite as crushingly awful as I have in the last couple of weeks.
But you know, I never let my susceptibility to anything get in the way before now. For years I had this crazy cyst in my toe which meant it was weak and wearing high heels would hurt. Eventually, I had to give up my weekend job as a bellydancer in the Arabic clubs and restaurants of Sydney because it hurt so much. But after a while, I started dancing again. Took up Muay Thai (kick boxing), too.
Eventually, it broke and I had surgery and now its mostly better. But still, there’s no 12″ heels in my closet.
Last week, my therapist asked me for the first time, if I’ve ever considered medication. And to be honest, I haven’t. Never been big on using pharmaceuticals. Even once scoffed at a doctor who wanted to give me pain meds for my broken ribs. Thank goodness I took the script for that one, though!
Maybe I’m a sucker for punishment, but at the same time and as I told my therapist, unless I find myself unable to get out of bed for two weeks straight, then I’d rather deal with whatever comes up head on.
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
Hey Svasti,
I know I absolutely balk at the idea of taking any kind of medication and I felt especially wary of taking meds for depression at one point. I was in grad school, which is difficult enough under the best of circumstances–but all the abuse from my childhood had risen to the surface and had to be dealt with (or I would have started using again). The doctor had recommended antidepressants but I just didn’t want anything to do with it. Now, I am also in grad school for research psychology–and while this is not the same as clinical psych, I know full well that many psychological conditions ARE INDEED caused by neurotransmitter/hormonal imbalances. Still I balked.
But I was bursting into tears at the drop of a nickel. Out of nowhere, I would find myself sobbing uncontrollably and I also cried myself to sleep every night. Finally, I admitted that I needed something to help me through until I found relief from therapy (which I later did).
When we are going through a trauma (either an immediate one or facing a past one as you are), our biochemistry can and does change–not for everyone–but we are all unique. It could very well be that you DO have a chemical imbalance and that meds will help to correct that. When people deal with their trauma (as I did), then it is likely that you won’t have to stay on medication (as I did not have to).
I also know this is something that YOU have to come to terms with–but I did want to tell you that there is no need to suffer when there are very good meds that will really help you while you are facing this trauma.
Hugs to you my friend–would that I could make it all better for you.
(((((((((to you, Svasti)))))))
Melinda
I have never been pro-medication for depression. I tried it once and threw myself in front of a car….(it was a police car)
The drugs produce a numbness and the depression is like a half-forgotten dream (but it’s still around)
Mind you…that’s my own experience – others may be pro.
xhenry