There’s a place I’m trying to get to, in the recesses of my inner landscape. It’s sorta like that attic room no one visits any more. ‘Cept of course to store more stuff, completely ignoring and obstructing its original purpose.
I really know this place! And I know what’ll happen… oh yes… once I’ve pushed aside the cobwebs and detritus yet again, allowing dappled sunlight to find that sweet spot where, I’ll rest, contemplating the truest ideas I know.
Even thinking about it seems to cause a kind of shift in my outer world, let alone the relief as my heart breathes a sigh and my body’s meridians vibrate gleefully.
And when I do think about it, something briefly grows, thriving on the potential of what could be. It’s a lightning fast moment and I almost miss it, though very definitely I feel it, thrillingly.
Sort of like that hot and cold location game we used to play… You’re warm…now lukewarm… NO, NOW YOU’RE FREEZING!!!! Less freezing, not so chilly now…hmmm, warmer, warmer, warmer, BOILING!!! YES!!
Except… when I drift away, things aren’t just freezing. They get dull. Harder. Stranger. Confusing. Yet if my thoughts turn inwards, towards that place, even it’s if only a fleeting glimpse, I smell incense!! The songs of joy recommence and beguilingly, the siren song calls.
Not that I always answer.
Because… that’s commitment to some serious change we’re talking about. Change I always say I want. And let’s face it; I’m full of bravado, always taking risks. But they’re highly controlled risks, most of the time anyway.
I do want it though, something I whisper to myself in the dead of night… yet Fear whispers back… Just how irrevocable would it be?
For a moment, let’s consider the tricksy ways of the mind. Especially one that’s used to ducking and weaving to conceal things from the outside world. Do you think that talent for evasion works only on others? Hell, no! In some ways, it works best on myself, because the part of me that hides… knows the rest of me too well.
And so it’s always a challenge. Unless of course I can just surrender.
That’s what it’s all about you know, the stuff I study… yoga, meditation, philosophy. Surrender. Sounds easy in theory. And there’s so much I’ve already given up. Given freely. Said… Sure, I surrender, don’t need this prop any more.
And its all sunshine and roses, feeling lighter than clouds… til I find myself face to face with my biggest weaknesses. Those hamstringing bastards!
Just on the other side of my skin, part of the blood vessels and tissues, part of what’s made me who I am… that’s where my integrity flaws abide. Resting in my DNA, and their defence is so clever… Who, me? Noooo! I belong here. We’re part of the package deal... somewhat convincing for a while!
So the question is: Can I surrender my bullshit long enough to enter that fateful, entrancing zone… to ask those hard questions and not shy away from the answers? Can I then do what needs to be done?
Worked out recently, this battle is taking place on two fronts – internally, for sure. But then, externally I see I have a mirror. A human mirror. A mirror of humans. So… the battles I fight aren’t really about other people (no matter what I think), but my Self.
Oh!
Easy to be distracted by this and that, pain and sorrow and feelings. Feelings, getting in the way of an underlying resolution. Actually, they hold it all in place, suspended and unchanging. Afraid of change we are, afraid of the eternal implications…
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Been gettin’ some more award love of late… thanks to Ana and Brooks for thinking of me. 🙂
For those of you who don’t know Ana, she’s Brazilian, but writes in English (her second language). Just Ana is her main blog, and deals with issues of mental health, the over-use of medication and just… stuff! But she’s a busy lady, running Hella Heaven (visual art and funnies) as well!
Brooks is a yoga teacher from Chicago and I love what she’s doing with her passionate and thought provoking blog posts. I get such a buzz of kinetic energy from Brooks’ pictures (she’s often the model), and that gives me an appreciation for what it’d be like to hang out with her (kinda cool I’m thinking…)
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
Svasti,
When you were talking about surrender, I thought right away of that most pivotal night of my life–when I absolutely had to surrender because if I didn’t, I would have lost my life (I am sure of it).
It was after I had come out of the coma and had met Tim Callahan and he’d arranged for me to get into treatment. The night before I was to go, I decided to leave the hospital the night before–even though I was not supposed to. Tim had arranged for me to stay in the hospital until he picked me up for treatment but I wanted so much to spend *one last night* partying.
Just as I was walking out the door, who should I run into but Tim! He didn’t try to talk me into staying but he told me that if I left, I would never get into treatment and I would most likely die on the street.
I was so torn–never have I been so torn. I didn’t know what else to do so I got on my knees and prayed and prayed (even though I didn’t believe in God and had never been interested in religion).
I realize now what happened that night was absolute surrender. The recognition that I needed to trust in others, to take stranger’s hands and to be led to a better place that where I currently was.
That surrender was absolute relief/bliss. And since then, I have learned to surrender other aspects of myself where my control just wasn’t working.
I hope you can find tha surrender, my dear friend–
Melinda
@Melinda – That definitely sounds like a moment of intense surrender. And I’ve read the post where you talked about that night. Its very powerful. I think there’s always ways we can continue to surrender ourselves. Certainly, that’s my experience. And it doesn’t seem to get any easier, at least not yet. I know what I need to do for myself, I just can’t take the jump to get there. Still working on that…
I’ve been sending good thoughts your way and wanting to reach out to you ever since I found your blog. It’s been helpful to me in processing an assault and some PTSD and depression of my own this year.
I thought you might like my post today. Maybe it’s a bit too generic, or maybe you’ll find the energy of it helpful in your own self-work.
Namaste,
Marie
http://beginwritingyoga.blogspot.com/2009/05/moving-forward.html
@Marie – thanks so much for your comment. I’ve written about the whole issue of supportive (or not) friends in the past, too. I’m glad my blog has been able to help you in some way…
What a busy mind you have!
I love this line: “… I’ll rest, contemplating the truest ideas I know.”
Your words give me hope Svasti. Thank you.
Congrats on your award.
@tricia – Busy mind? Perhaps… 😉
Ow. Surrender is the hardest part. *hugs your way*
@Immi – Thanks, and same back to you!
You are so right about surrender! It is so important. I just today have realized how I have been fighting against everything! It’s not working. 😉 Thank you for posting this!
@Tracy – The hardest thing about surrender is that it requires us to stop struggling. Where, struggling feels like the only thing that keeps us from sinking beneath the waves. It takes many attemtps to get there, the best thing is to keep trying different angles when the others don’t seem to work…