Tags
abundance, Corporate-landia, Denial, emotional honesty, Employment, euphoria, Hanumanasana, Malasana, Meditation, nadi shodhana, new job, Reality, Release, samskara, Spirituality, Surrender, Yoga, yoga retreat
Of late, my yoga practice has been revealing inner layers of truth, ironically ‘visible’, during meditation. Especially post-pranayama.
The other week it was two words, pulsing and glimmering like a coin underwater – emotional honesty – yes… that’s taken a little while to understand.
I cast my mind back to Sydney, mid-winter several years ago, on one of the numerous yoga retreats I’ve attended. We were about to do some kind of serious meditation work, and it’s customary to do such things with clean teeth.
Before we started, my Guru looked at us and asked, So have you all brushed your teeth?
My first instinct was to nod my head, even though I hadn’t. Nod, and say yes, rather than admit I’d forgotten, be different and stand out.
I learned a great lesson right there, when one of my fellow students unashamedly shook her head. Go on then, we were told. I scooted out the door with a couple of others.
I’m not a liar as such, but there’s been many a time like that where I’ve lied rather than face a perceived ‘scary’ reality, no matter how minor.
Emotional honestly is not something I grew up with. Just… telling it like it is. Instead it was a constant stream of deny, deny, deny. Deny anything, deny everything. My blood was steeped in denial.
These days I’m much braver but still, I have my moments.
Today, sitting in near stillness, once I was able to ignore the constant stream of inner chatter long enough… I could see… wow, almost like the mechanism of grasping, desperation and neediness that drives my actions sometimes.
Briefly I saw how this force sometimes creates activity that causes me to behave in ways I’d rather not. And I saw that somewhere in there, is the capacity to set that aside. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But sometime, sure.
Today in our yoga class, we did a lot of very deep forward bends ending with Malasana (garland pose) and Hanumanasana (the splits). Reaching into places that are usually left dormant, un-stretched. Moving slowly, repeatedly and determinedly.
It’s not surprising to find that yoga both generates and releases emotional states. Today’s asana class was highly, deeply and strongly moving and energising in the pits and creases of my body.
After some counter-poses, we eventually finished with nadi shodhana (alternate nostril breathing), which I always find very grounding and centering. It’s important to sit still for a while once you’ve finished and just… allow the sensations you’re experiencing to flow through you.
Right there, the chattering sufficiently ignored… I could see the ongoing suffering I cause myself through my samskaras (deeply embedded patterns of behaviour), and the choice we all have to step away from these patterns. Not without a lot of effort first, of course.
Leaving class, I felt incredibly euphoric and I’m still floating in that state…
Anyway, now for some other news:
Finally, after more than three long months, I HAVE A JOB!
I know… I should be celebrating this fact a little more. But I’m not. I am grateful – it came along right when I was about to have absolutely NO money at all.
However, it’s not my dream job. Sure, I’m working in my industry (digital media) but it’s a contract role (not permanent), its back in big Corporate-landia, and it’s really not the best money for a contract job either.
I also discovered the contract heavily favours the rights of the company (they can terminate my role with no notice – I’m sure a sign of the current financial times), while affording me almost no rights… except to get paid.
Then, the organisation I’m contracting through pays fortnightly, but it’s actually going to be three weeks until I’m paid for the first six days of work, leaving me with precious little cash (all I’ve got) to get by on until then.
However, the people there are nice. So I’m trying to stave off the sense of foreboding I feel being back in an uber-large company (it’s been almost twelve months since I quit my previous corporate gig).
Ironically, the day I was verbally offered this role, I was also offered another (less lucrative) contract, and an interview for a permanent role. Even more ironically, I had that interview at lunch time of the first day on the new job this week (Thursday). Then, on the Friday another recruiter rang with an interview request for another permanent role. That one will be Tuesday after work.
Feast or famine, right?
Usually, I’m very loyal to my employer, sometimes to my own detriment. But recent times have shown that’s not the most prudent course of action. So, given the relative lack of stability of my contract job (when is a contract not really a contract? When there’s a ‘no notice’ clause in it!), I’m taking a slightly more aggressive line.
I guess I’ll see what happens – could be I get offered neither permanent role (my fate in recent times) – but then again, I might. And I will keep looking.
In the mean time, I’m repeating my yoga teacher’s oft-repeated mantra – there will always be enough – while I prepare to live on a tiny amount of cash for a few weeks to come yet.
And, I’ll also keep attempting to disengage with the samsaric patterning I’ve just witnessed so clearly. If I can surrender that, and strive to live as emotionally honestly as possible, hopefully I’ll be open to new opportunities I might not otherwise have a shot at.
~ Svasti
Congratulations! On ALL the opportunities coming your way. You’ve been working SO HARD on your emotional stuff lately, I like to that this is the universe’s way of giving you a treat. 🙂
Today I started my morning with a kundalini yoga kriya (a breath focused mantra version), and Ravi Singh said “If you can feel it, you can heal it.”
And I thought of you and all the people working on stuff like this right now — this vast community of people giving it their all.
congrats on the job…hope you find it more satisfying than you think at this point…
I need to thank you for all the thoughts in the first half of this post…all stuff I think about and meditate on as well. Striving for honesty on all levels. It’s a big challenge and one that is well worth the time spent on watching how full of it we can be…
I’ve not been able to keep up with your blog lately (pretty much anybody’s blogs)…but today, this topic sucked me in…so glad I checked it out…
Congrats on the job. I’ll have to admit reading this poured a liberal dose of guilt on me. I have been doing everything I can to postpone the ‘hard work’ for myself lately.
You have true grit girl and deserve any break that comes your way.
congrats on the job! and everything else….;)
love that pic….had to liberate it for my blog!
(I am just here to thank you for your comment on my blog post a while back, it is much appreciated) *hugs*
Hey Svasti! I appreciate your words about honesty/denial… Me too! And congratulations on your new job! Use your time to serve your life. Don’t get lost in the “machine” ever again. You can work for a big company, as long as you remember who you serve (not the company). Peace.
@Blisschick – Why thank you!! I really like that, “If you can feel it, you can heal it.” There’s so much we just try not to feel, but in doing so, condemn ourselves to more suffering. Kriyas are wonderful, very internalising but in a gooooood way!
@giannakali – I know how unwell you are I’m really pleased you were able to drop by and leave a comment. Yeah, that level of honesty within ourselves can be a tough nut to crack. But its worth it, as its very freeing. Hope you keep on improving in your recovery!
@tricia – Good grief, woman! No need to feel guilt!! You do that work when you’re ready and if you’re not ready, you put it off. That’s how it is. Once again, give yourself a break, please! 😉
@Linda-Sama – Its very beautiful, isn’t it? The artist’s website has many amazing pictures like this one. I think, once I get some $$ again, I’ll have to at least order a print of this painting. Would love to own the original tho…
@Miss_Vampkin – Hey you’re welcome!
@yogabrooks – I will try to remember, but certainly its a very strange world to spend time in.
Congratulations on getting the job. It’s no fun when you have an ideal job you’re going for and you only get there halfway…but I’d still see this as a fortunate windfall.
This is a great post on emotional honesty. This jumped out at me, specifically:
It’s an overwhelming thing to do, being honest. For me, I prefer to see it as the goal I’d like to end my life having achieved: that I died honest. And it really doesn’t have to be that hard. It’s hard to start being honest, but I think it’s easy to sustain so…
On a random note, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve commented here. I’ve been trying to figure out how I want to use the Internet, and I tend to seclude myself when I’m trying to figure stuff out. Excuse the random dropping in. 🙂
@Jaleesa – Thanks for dropping by again. Seems you disappeared for a while there! Anyway, yes, a job is better than no job if it means the difference between being entirely broke or not. Definitely, emotional honesty is not easy, probably for most people. I certainly don’t see myself as anywhere near perfect at it. Glad to see you’re writing again 🙂
Big huge congratulations and hugs on the job.
I have been through some very tough times in my life (like owning a business that was losing so much money, my partner and I were also on Centrelink AND my parents were buying us groceries), and I agree with your yoga teacher: there is always enough.
I’m so excited for you. I’ll have to tell Gary when he calls up.
I’m just back from Watarrka -no internet down there this weekend- and catching up on everything.
x
@Amanda – Thanks! It is exiciting to be earning money again, even if the job isn’t ideal. And I can’t wait to hear about your trip to Watarrka!
As you know karma has disappointed me a little by not bringing you the perfect job here but congrats anyway!! 😀
Funny, I’ve been noticing that one lately too. In a slightly different way, though. It’s more a like holding back/in for me but lately I’ve been able to stop doing that in some really important ways and oath but the difference it makes! Waoh.
@CK – I’m thinking karma did pretty well just to get some money coming my way when I really, really needed it. So I’m not complaining too much. 😉
Good to hear you’re not holding back so much…
Svasti,
Emotional honesty. Wow–that’s one of the hardest forms of honesty to reach because it involves the absolute honest of self. Only through emotional honesty can we truly be honest with ourselves and that is something I have struggled mightily with in my life.
I grew up a liar, having been taught to do that at such an early age. My entire childhood was a collage of secrets and lies–and this conditioning was so strong that I began to exchange truth for lies, even when there was no need to do so. And of course, I was never emotionally honest–that was WAY too difficult (because it would have forced me to confront the intense pain I felt).
We have both traveled long journey toward inner peace–and while I will probably never reach the end of the road (the end doesn’t exist, right?), I will continue to be a little further along each day, each week, and each year. And so will you, my friend.
I wish you all the success in looking for employment. I have so many friends who are struggling right now–I will send some ‘coin energy’ your way, because we might always have enough, the stress of worrying about that can be horrible.
I. Loved. This. Post.
Melinda
@Melinda – Yes, the thing about emotional honesty is that it requires us to be transparent. And when you’ve grown up in an environment that wants to be opqaue, that’s very challenging. You’re right, there is no end of the road as such, better not to worry about that one too much! Thanks as always, for dropping by and I’m glad you loved this post! (Must write another one tonight!)
First congratulations on the job, and if the people there are nice I think that will more than make up for the not so good bits. Must feel good to be offered so much work, no?
Secondly, that being in the moment thing, it’s something I only learned about formally a couple of months ago (I was a meditation virgin at the start of the year and now an eager convert) but whether you understand intellectually what is gong on for you or not there’s no mistaking that “in the moment” feeling. I’d certainly have it if I tried to practice yoga like you do, but for me it would be more like how Dr Jay puts it 😀
This might be a stupid question but through your yoga practice do you find that you can get that feeling spontaneously in everyday situations? You describe riding the tram and how everyone there would rather be somewhere else (and they are, in their minds) and I was thinking how great it would be to be able to access that “in the moment” thing whatever the situation. Recovering from PTSD, those moments of clarity would be so welcome.
@Bird – Thank you. A week in to this new job and I still have reservations. But we shall see. Its definitely good to be offered work though, after NONE for a long time.
The point of living in the here and now is to not ‘try’ to get that feeling. Its to shed the habits that keep us living in the past and/or future.
But don’t get me wrong – most of the time I still don’t live in the moment. That’s the goal, but I don’t claim any great success (not yet!). Yoga is brilliant though, for helping us get to that place.
I do find that the more I meditate and do yoga, yeah, it spills over into every day life sometimes. Certainly not all of the time, but when it does, it’s incredibly pleasant.
And certainly, it helps with PTSD *a lot*. 🙂
P.S:- oh holy crap I think I just commented on the wrong post… ahem.
@Bird – Haha, no, you just combined your thoughts on this post and the next one! But I think that’s perfect, really!! They are part of the same conversation…
Hi Svasti,
CONGRATULATIONS!!! …on your new job. *blushing* I’ve been flitting back and forth among your posts for the last few days and missed your big news! I’m just getting back to normal from visits from two sets of house guests and it seems to take me forever to get my head straight. No excuse, though!
Hee-hee…feast or famine…yes, it always seems to work like that, huh? But I’m glad you’ve found something to do you for awhile, at least. Just a stepping stone to what you’re working toward…
@earthtoholly – Oh that’s perfectly okay, thanks! I know how it is, I’ve been run off my feet 7 days a week for the last couple of weeks! Yes, its certainly a reprieve-type job, something to keep me out of the poor house while I find the right job. Phew! 🙂