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Dhanvantri, empowerment, Fear, Ganesha, Healing, malarkey, Prayers, Recovery, Sanskrit, Spirituality, Surrender, Transformation, Yoga, Yoga teacher
I think I’m just afraid of who I might actually be, when I’m finally done with all this being afraid malarkey.
When I allow all the knowledge I’ve learned (and continue to learn), to be grafted to the very marrow of my being.
When I’ve practiced to perfection the incredible meditations and other teachings I’ve been given. When they’re as natural as breathing – so much a part of me I don’t need to think about it.
I’m afraid of that person I’ll become.
And sometimes I think… it’s the one significant thing causing most of the pain in my life.
Even while writing this, I’m avoiding doing something else right this very moment. Something I should’ve done already and that other people are waiting for. Something that’d be good for me to do. And I will eventually, just not before I’ve put it off time and again.
Til I can’t stand it any more.
At least this time though, the distraction is much more honest, less convoluted.
I want to scream, and I want to cry and grieve. For the time I’ve spent veiling my awesome, powerful, motivated and very real Self away, and letting the freaked out junior would-be super hero run the show instead.
All so I don’t have to give up my excuses.
Of course, like that smoker who knows they need to stop, I’m not ready to give my excuses up yet. Just because I can see them for what they are, doesn’t mean I’m stopping.
I’m still enjoying the whole experience too much. It mightn’t be good for me, but it’s comfortable. And it’s what I know.
Its life-changing stuff y’know, getting the things you want most for yourself, instead of sacrificing and sabotaging your own life. At least, that’s the realisation I’m coming to.
Sunday, I was at my yoga school doing my remaining cleaning hours for the week (still need the money til I get paid the week after this one). As I cleaned, and when I wasn’t chanting various Sanskrit mantras to myself, my teacher’s recent words filled the empty room.
You see, I only signed up to do the Hatha yoga practitioner certificate this year, not the first year teacher training. Mostly because I didn’t feel like I was ready. Which, as it turns out, is just more hiding and excuses, really.
As we discussed various maintenance tasks, she turns to me and says I think you should do the teacher training. I want you to teach here and help with future teacher trainings. You’re way ahead of the others on philosophy and related topics and I think you’ve got things you can teach them.
Just like that. And yes, it’s something I want. Plus, I know I’m ready now…
There alone, sweeping the floors, I thought about standing at the front of that room and… I laughed, while I coincidentally sang the invocation to Ganesha, remover of obstacles…
Om Gananam tva / ganapating havamahe / kavinkavinam upamashravastamam / jyeshtharajam brahmanam brahmanaspata a nah / shrinvan nutibhih sida sadanam…
Yes, it’s what I want. But to get there… I’m gonna have to give up a few things I’m pretty sure I know as ‘fact’ about myself. But guess what? Apparently, all I have to do is keep going towards what I want.
The transformation will occur in the doing, not the wanting of the doing… this was the message/realisation I recieved while sweeping, singing and laughing.
Okay… so, I kept singing, this time Sri Dhanvantri’s (the lord of Ayurveda/healing) prayer. It’s my very favourite thing to chant because it resonates best I find, when you’re singing from the heart.
Om sankham chakram jaloukaam dadhad amruta gatam chaaru dorbhis chaturbhih / sookashma svachchhaati hridyaam sukha pari vilasan moulim amboja netram //
kaala ambha uda ujjjvalaangam kati tata vilasad chaaru peetaambaraadhyam / vande Dhanvantarim tam nikhila gada vana prouda daavaagni leelam //
I still have my excuses and I’m holding on tight. For now anyway. I’m not even going to attempt to break them down just yet. As long as I keep moving in the right direction, then I reckon… its all good.
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
The transformation will occur in the doing, not the wanting of the doing… this was the message/realisation I recieved while sweeping, singing and laughing.
you got it baby…congrats on the yoga instructor giving you the validation you needed…
good for you. now go out and DO!
Oh Svasti– this post made me cry. I’m so happy for you. Funny how our excuses can become a prison, but once you come to that realization as you have, all you have to do is reach out and open the door. Congratulatons. I think you are closer to freedom than you know.
Hi Svasti,
I always relate to you on so many different levels. Change is really scary–and I know that I have feared change so much that I have sabotaged myself–often subconsciously. It was not until much later that I could eally see a situation objectivey and realize how much I was sabotaging myself. I guess (for me, anyway), it is part of that self-destructive tendency that comes so easily for me.
But Svasti–I truly do believe in you (as I truly believe in myself). Sometimes we have to simply accept it if our progress slows down (perhaps there is a particular thing stopping us that we need to figure out before we can move on). What I do know is that your answers will come to you as long as you listen closely and carefully to your heart.
I send you my hope, energy, and good chear–all those many miles to Australia.
Take care,
Melinda
Yep, change is scary — even good change. And we are creatures of the familiar and we tend to find comfort in it even when the familiar is “bad.”
I’ve been here…and I still can be in some ways.
I am extremely excited by what your teacher said to you.
And you have me thinking…
Congratulations, Svasti! I think you will make a great yoga teacher, because of your understanding of the tough bits. Your comments over at my blog help me to know that I’m connected, and I bet that you’ll be able to have that effect in person, too. The world will be richer with you stepping up into your “inner teacher”, y’know.
I thought you were in teacher training all along…and certainly never questioned that you were ready for it…so, like: Yeah! Go for it!
@giannakali – now go out and DO! That’s always easier said than done!
@tricia – I guess what I’m saying is I don’t know how close I really am to said freedom. I mean, I’m still doing plenty of hiding. Its just that I’m declaring that now…
@Melinda – For me, its self-punishment. And definitely under-estimating myself every time. Feeling like a big ol’ goofball and just… not quite right. If you know what I mean? These are some of the things I ‘know’ about myself, that I think of as true and that definitely hold me back. Thank you for your good wishes & energy sending!
@Blisschick – I can’t wait to hear in what ways, exactly, that I’ve got you thinking??
@yogabrooks – Thanks so much. What a lovely thing to say! 😀
@Jay – Yes, well that’s the thing about being over the other side of the world. I don’t display even half of my neuroses here. I’ve got plenty to go around that most people never get to know about!!
WOO-HOOO Svasti Yogini! Teacher training is kinda like being pregnant – there’s no such thing as being ready. YTT is a lot like giving birth – to a fuller, richer YOU. It’s a journey into the unknown.
When I asked my teacher at the time of my first training, if she thought I was ready for YTT, she wouldn’t answer, except to say that only I knew if I wanted it. I was mad at the time because I didn’t want to be responsible for myself, but I’ve come to appreciate her wisdom. It’s more about “wanting” than being “ready” and you got that down!
I have two poems on my site about my training – not sure if you’ve seen them yet: one is called, body heart and soul, the other is a little light at the end of the day. I hope they might psyche you up.
My yoga teacher training experience was the most challenging and most fulfilling experience of my life. Regardless of any additional training in the classroom, you are already a yoga teacher. Your site here speaks volumes to your knowledge and ability to share your experiences of life in written form.
Yoga comes in all shapes, all sizes, all ways, just like people.
You CAN do it. I just wished I lived closer to you so I could take your class.
You’re fabulous!
P.S. I’m in a pit of fear here (the gun-fear) and am debating stress benefits of marijuana pranayama. I say SCREW YOU FEAR. You can bite me. *laughing *
@laughingyogini – I will check out your poems. Yeah, certainly its more transformation, huh?
@Christa – Hey, I’m no where near being ready to take a class just yet!! I hope you are coming to terms with your fears and out the other side much stronger. 🙂
Realizing what’s going on internally is … 75% of the battle, I think.
I’m glad that your yoga teacher is encouraging you, too, and to have said that you have things you can teach future teachers (oh, too many uses of that word. I have been up since before 4 a.m.. Forgive me.) — she has total faith in you. So, yes, keep on moving in the right direction. It’s progress, and you can get there in little steps.
@Jennifer – thanks, that’s a lovely thing to say! Yes, I guess she does. ‘Spose I should build up a little more faith in me too, huh?
love the ganesh pic…I liberated it for my blog!
@Linda-Sama – It is a really, really gorgeous image, huh?
Oh Svasti, I’ll give a little extra sweetie to (translated… I’ll eat something nice in front of) Ganesha for you! Here’s to pushing forwards and overcoming those obstacles 😀
@Bird – why thanks! I’m eating something sweet right now as an offering, too! 😉