Tags
anti-heroine, bird eggs, blood kin, fairy floss, Family, helpless, Surrender, Truth, useless
Sometimes we say stuff, just to try and fill the gaps with a kind of explanation, even if it doesn’t make much sense. Not when you examine it properly.
What are we running from anyway? Are the words just a way to put some distance between things that cause us pain? Are they better than silence?
I’m a little confused and constantly surprised with all the strangeness, although I don’t really get why… I mean, if there’s one thing that’s predictable…
Can’t help but think of tiny baby bird eggs and how easily the shells are crushed. Which in a way is good… makes it easy for those tiny new birdlings to peck their way out when its time… but also means they’re quite fragile right up til…
Sand with crumbled sea shells, crunchy underfoot. So flimsy and yet remains in one piece, somehow. A piece of a larger whole. Thankfully. Well, at least for the time being.
The ache is heavy, dragging, spreading, stretching. Taking up space in my chest cavity leaving way less room for my lungs. Making it harder to breathe deeply.
Can’t blurt out what I really want to say, it’ll upset people. That’s not what I want. But what happened to being able to be really honest?
Perhaps it’s against the rules (no matter what they say) in this strange world where planning for the future is given higher priority than seeing the world straight up as it is, right now.
It is easier, sure, to just… not. Apparently.
But then I think – wow, it must look all-so different as you survey your version of this story.
I don’t belong here. But I can’t really get too far away – your story needs its anti-heroine, doesn’t it?
So you paint me shades of your discontent. A vagabond, in need of a proper frame of reference. According to you.
Tricky, tricky, fairy-floss-like melt-in-your-mouth confusion and not quite there-ness, and then, oh, just then you’ll say what I wish you’d said a while back.
But seems those words never come out when they would’ve been useful. It’s easier to look like you might be helpful, without having to potently act in that capacity, ever.
Alone, alone, alone. Always alone. Sitting around that table but there’s no warmth in your embrace. It’s a kind of a game.
And it’s silent. Can’t say those words. Just have to learn to say nothing. But then, that makes me like the rest of you, not what I want at all.
I’ve no idea what you think of this mess. Help is only help when it’s given freely, not when you make me beg.
Loving people in my life, it seems, is often a game of peeling the onion. Remove another layer, I just have to keep on shifting my viewpoint, because I’m never quite in the right position and that gets painful after a while.
Always, I try to forget what’s been, just to trust again afresh. But you never have anything new for me, just the same old same old…
I don’t belong here.
Where are the others like me? Those who don’t run from, but towards wounded people?
Certainly, I won’t find the answers here amongst blood kin.
Never have. Never will.
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
Hey Svasti! I’m your sister. Your spiritual family might be different from your blood family. Clear seeing is different from forgetting what has already happened. When people have hurt you, your soul needs to honor that. I don’t think it’s good to hold grudges either, but if a person needs a little protective space (even from blood relatives) from others, it’s okay (with me). Continue to honor your spirit, and be well!
yogabrooks is right ON.
WE are your sisters. WE do not run from the pain. Honor the pain; honor the need for boundaries.
And why we always have to add this disclaimer: don’t stay stuck in the pain. I get tired of having to explain that, obviously, I don’t mean to wallow when I say “honor.” Duh. I know that people are defensive against the idea of honoring pain, because, above all, people don’t want the pain AT ALL. And that’s not how this life works.
As I am constantly saying: the phoenix cannot rise from the ashes without being burned. And burning HURTS.
Here’s the thinking that you helped happen for me: I did something really scary today. I signed up for a week long yogaDance teacher training at Kripalu Yoga Center (famous here in the States). I am totally frightened of this in a wide variety of ways, but yesterday, your post?, made me see, finally, that I HAVE TO DO THIS.
Peace, Svasti, and look no further for those who are your tribe. We’re right here. 🙂
Hey, Svasti –
Thank goodness for kin of choice . . . they are the ones who hold the space for our sanity.
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
“I don’t belong here.” I understood that in my youth, but I still continued to try for so, so many wasted years. Blood kin ain’t always all it is cracked up to be.
(This is another piece of your writing I will be back to read again– and I will discover something new each time. Thank you dear girl.
I hear what you’re saying and so know the feeling.
I’m having a few down weeks myself. Been sick, then away. I feel fat, ugly, old and depressed. Feel like just being silent right now. So much pressure on me with the deadline (for you know what) only a month away.
But I know… to run from those who need help. I can’t do it.
I always give (Aboriginal) people a lift to town when they need it. Tow their cars when I’m tired and driving straight into the western sunset (like last Wednesday nite – towed a family from Kurundi back to the Stuart Hwy for 50 km doing only 40km/h).
Other people just say this is humbug and a sign that they can’t get off their backsides and help themselves. I just say it’s helping out other people in need.
Yeah. Sometimes, I feel odd. Like the only person I can relate to is Gary or my daughter. Like I’m really a hermit and I have nothing in common with anyone else.
I know how you feel, Svasti. I really do.
xx
@yogabrooks – Ah yes, that’s true. My spiritual family does exist, its just I don’t seem to have the destiny to live near where they do. At least not at this point in my life.
@Blisschick – If only I could scoop you all up, and live within walking and/or cycling distance of each other. What a beautiful thing that would be!
Years ago, I was engaged. And my fiance had this idea that people should just learn from other people’s mistakes and not have to make them for themselves. But I say that never works. That’s not your own story and only you can work things out for yourself.
Its just that I want to live *my* story, and not have other people’s ideas of what that might be, casting shadows on me.
And, pain is something that I’ve had to learn about myself, since the family I grew up with think its something you can ignore and avoid.
I am VERY excited for your news, I think that’s wonderful. Go for it and ENJOY!!
@mmaaggnnaa – Oh yes, you can choose your friends but not your family. All the way.
@tricia – Me too, I’ve known that for a long time. But there’s something within that makes it hard to give up on wanting the family I never got – that supportive, insightful, courageous family. Its always been a major issue for me. Sigh…
@Amanda – Oh right! The exercise freak feels fat!! 😉
Sounds like more avoiding of that you know what if you ask me!! Once its done, there’ll be so much freedom, so keep going, girl!
I seem to be the sort of person that everyone stops to ask directions from and I love doing that for others. Just, whatever help I can give. True, its something I grew into, but now I can’t imagine living any other way.
But hey, there’s at least one other person you can relate to, eh? We sooo have to organise to meet up! Once the you know what is done!! 😀
I wish it was avoiding you know what… but the you know what has taken over my life!
And yes, fitness freaks feel fat, too. 😦
We’re booking our Melbourne tickets right now. We’ll be flying in on 21st Aug, sista! Humbugging you on the 22nd for coffee or dinner or hanging out.
🙂
@Amanda – Awesome! Think its time to let loose with a little WHOO and plenty of HOO!!
svasti, when I was going through all the shit with yoga studio owners, blogging about it, I was amazed at the support I got from the “global yoga community”, much more than from people right here. amazing. so I’m with ya, sistah….
I’ve taken lots of emotional hits in the last 5 years, so much so that I’ve had constant back pain since 2007, sometimes excrutiating pain. It’s much better now that I’ve worked through lots of stuff, but I’ve changed my relationship to the pain. that’s the key — changing your relationship to your own pain. the words of one of my dharma teachers is always in my head: “the most pain avoiding person is the least joyful.”
can I recommend a book for you? “Feeding Your Demons” by Tsultrim Allione. awesome.
take care! maybe I’ll see you next May, preliminary plans for me to teach in OZ are underway! 🙂
@Linda-Sama – I have this theory about the little blog world here (or is it over there?), that its made up of similarly disaffected people, who get it because that’s also been their experience. If you know what I mean.
Physical vs emotional pain is an interesting topic, but then, I think chronic pain is often a cross over of the two.
Thanks for the book reccomendation – will have to add it to my wish list right now, til I get some actual money coming through my bank account again (all such books live in my Amazon.com wishlist).
Wow, will have to find out more about your trip to Oz. Which cities are you gonna be in? We should talk about that, eh? Maybe I could even line you up a gig at the studio where I’m studying!! 🙂
“But what happened to being able to be really honest?”
I just did that yesterday, the honest thing and now my “ache is heavy, dragging, spreading, stretching”.
My eyes are puffed out and sore from crying.
WHY do I keep repeating the same mistakes? When will I learn? How stupid am I to keep bashing my egg-shell head into walls.
I’m over myself. Over me.
I haven’t had the desire to disappear in a while. Today, it’s all I can think about.
@Christa – Am I gonna have to come over to your part of the world and give you a gentle shake and a hug? What’s going on luvvy??
The honesty part, that’s not meant to hurt so much. Its meant to make you feel better! But then, I guess it depends what you have to be honest about, and what else is around it… often, the bit that hurts is when the truth can’t be told properly for one reason or another!
The giving yourself a hard time over your mistakes is NOT helping right now. So stop that stuff, okay?
I’m coming over to your blog soon, and I’ll send you an email and stuff. Please don’t disappear!! xo