Tags
boundaries, introspection, mausoleum of dead knickers, old clothes, old knickers, personal boundaries, personal space, primary school, toilet stalls, Yogic
I often feel like I don’t understand the whole deal with personal boundaries properly.
Not particularly yogic of me I know, but hey, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Like, this one time in primary school (don’t know exactly when but I think I was pretty young still), I remember being in the bathroom stall next to a friend. And I wanted to say hi, so I climbed on the toilet seat and peaked over the top – ‘Hi Melissa!’.
Not to be creepy or strange, just because I wanted to say hi.
But apparently Melissa didn’t see my actions in the spirit I’d intended. Instead, she exacted her revenge… next time I was in there, bringing a handful of our friends to look over and under the door and giggle.
Not that I minded, really. But I didn’t understand either, why she felt like she had to do that. And I was still a little confused (then, not now) about why she was mad…
These days, if I was an inch or two taller, I’d be able to see over many bathroom stall divider walls completely unintentionally, and without climbing up on anything (erm, not that I would).
On the flip side, it makes me queasy thinking about the end-of-lifecycle treatment of clothes. When things are see-through, holey or otherwise falling apart way past redemption… most stuff ends up in the rubbish bin, except if it’s in an okay enough condition to give to charity.
Unless of course, a second life as cleaning rags is possible. Even then, cutting in to pieces fabric that’s spent so much time on my body… feels weird.
And I’m confused when throwing out underwear, especially. When’s the optimal time to give it up? How do you put clothing you’ve worn that close to your genitals into the same bin asthe vegetable peelings, redundant but non-recyclable packaging, and unpalatable leftovers (etc)?
I do it though, of course. It’s not like I have some kind of mausoleum of dead knickers, but still, it always feels strange throwing them out.
And I think… maybe that’s what I’m like dealing with people, too? I never know when too close is or isn’t good, or when things should be discarded, or even if they’re meant to be discarded or not. Can they be revitalised? Should they be?
My ability to distinguish and understand is somewhat impaired, I fear. Am I giving enough space? Too much? Am I crowding?
Seems my sense of personal space is fluid and strange and yet, leaves me sometimes feeling like I’m not where I want to be. Or, wondering what happened and why things or people are so far away, suddenly not easy to understand and most impenetrable.
Then, trying to understand, I perhaps crash through the unseen boundaries of others, making a bit of a mess in the process.
It’s never my intention but hey, it’s just me looking over the bathroom stall to say ‘Hi, what’s up?’ and never realising my gaffe til the china shop’s been trashed.
Sigh… a little more Svasti-introspection required please!
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
Here goes a long one…
As a matter of fact bathroom is a place where we need to be relaxed so any interference is physically wrong no matter what intention did the person who interfered have. This is not about shame or stupid things like that but just physiology. My husband says it originates in ancient times when a person was only unsafe when s/he slept, had sex or needed to relieve himself. Because In all these doings s/he concentrated on them and not the enemy/beast who may strike them. So even now our brain usually considers any sudden interference in such things as wrong.
But the girl’s reaction I think was simpler and has the same nature as all those toilet jokes. You know watch someone in bathroom and giggle.
What about things… I prefer minimalistic way of life (means minimum amount of furniture and housewares) And I throw things away as soon as I am positive I’ll never use or wear them again. Because they’re old or because I got tired of them, because I’ve bought some new things I like etc. i.e. when I started taking oral contraceptives I had that usual side-effect when breasts get larger. So I had to throw away some of my bras. I hated to think I have to throw away some of my favorite ones but I knew I’m not able to wear them anymore because they’re too small now.
However here people tend to save all the things just in case they might sometime need them (they won’t) or because they used to like them and it’s a pity to throw them away. If you’re interested here is a picture http://b-u-d-y-o-n.livejournal.com/47857.html the post is about a usual family (contains grandparents, parents, children and grandchildren) that lives in one usual russian apartment (2 rooms, 12 and 18 meters each). When old family members went to dacha (country house) to rest, young guys decided to get rid of all those old useless things that were in their flat. There were so many things that lay there about 10 yrs old or so that they had to throw them through the window and then rent a heavy truck(!) to get all those things to a local refuse dump (we have no recycling centers here). And you know what? There are thousands of families who have the same amounts of stuff in their homes that they never use but still keep.
Sorry. This comment becomes too long. Just the last thing. I spent my childhood in an apartment like that with lots of old things crowding the space. People who live in such rooms (like my parents and grandparents) have such attitude to other people that does not include respect to one’s privacy. Searching, cleaning and restructuring my things was a usual practice that I hated. They could check my bag not because they distrusted me but they just needed say a pocket mirror that used to be in my bag. Or they could knock the bathroom door where I was and try to give me a ringing phone or ask smth. Or I could open my bed-side table to find out things are in the different order than I placed them before or find some new things there. Oh they just decided to place everything in order. And it’s not just me I know many too many people with the same experience.
So. Of course it is ones choice to have as many things as they want but privacy.. I think it is very important and by the way people treat things you may sometimes say how they treat other people too.
Svasti– You already know I recognize your talent as a writer. That jumped out in the very first post of yours that I read. Couple that with your outstanding honesty and it always makes for a refreshing read. I know you are on a journey that may take you to places far from where you are now, but I hope you never lose your honesty.
Your writing delights me, too. And I get the uncertainty about boundaries, thing. It might be a special problem for those of us who are looking to connect beyond the automatic mechanisms of society: like husband, wife, coworker, etc. If the desire is to connect creatively from the heart it might look different than what we have seen before–and some people might not be open to exploring new territory.
@Aluajala – That was a long comment! And you kinda missed the point a little, too. I was a little girl, and I didn’t understand why my actions (obviously outside the bounds of a normal sense of personal space) were offensive. Now I’m a grown up, I do. Its that simple.
Then again, depending on the culture you live in, bathroom privacy takes on all sorts of meanings, importance/non-importance.
Hoarding is certainly an interesting topic, but its not really what I was talking about. I tend to be very minimalist myself – but was talking more about the intimacy of clothes (another kind of personal boundary) and how that changes when its time to throw things out. Of course, there are people who do have trouble throwing anything away and sure, that can become a problem.
In the end, privacy is individual, and yet, insisting on too much privacy is another way to keep people further at bay.
What’s too much? What’s not enough?
@tricia – You know, I think if I lose my ability to be honest, I just might not see any point any longer. In part, I think that gets me into trouble.
@Brooks Hall – You ladies are too kind! I’m glad to know I’m not alone. And I think you might be on to something there…
Hi Svasti ~ I find it very difficult to throw out my old clothes. I feel that they are a part of me – and certainly a clairvoyant would be able to pick up ‘vibrations’ from them. In any case, they are old friends (your description of the waste-bin is amusing and accurate.
Personal space…when I was at dance-college, we studied ‘personal’ and ‘general’ space. More or less, personal space surrounds the body like an egg at arms(and legs) length. General space is all that lies beyond.
I’ve noticed how people entering an empty tube-train will usually sit in this way…1st on goes to a diagonal corner, 2nd goes to opposite diagonal, 3rd and 4th does the same (now all corners are filled)
Next come the two centre-folk – middle
Then a smaller diagonal couple
By then personal space is invaded and town-life becomes the familiar sweating crush.
A great post
xhenry
Svasti — I can see how this post relates to mine — it’s the same underlying feeling of not being in the know about something or about missing some key information. Or maybe feeling out of step, hoping that secret to figuring things out will appear to bring us back into alignment with others.
I also have to say that I will never feel the same way about throwing out underwear again. Perhaps I will start a mausoleum of dead knickers! I have an attachment to certain clothes, sometimes clothes not originally my own, so I understand that feeling. Getting rid of old clothing can be freeing, too, like letting go of the past.
I can just imagine a little pantie graveyard in your back-garden, with individual miniature gravestones 😉
@soulMerlin – Hi Henry, that’s true about the vibrations, but then they are just impressions, and not actually ‘us’ any more, right? Its an impression of the past, usually.
Public transport is an excellent study of personal space. I always find it interesting to observe those who just surrender vs those that angrily defend their space, even though they can’t control it on PT. Then, there are those oblivious to their own or anyone else’s. Speaking of which, I can’t wait to start riding to work again, at the end of this month when we move offices (there’s proper facilities there).
@writingtosurvive – I think you hit the nail on the head there. I couldn’t quite explain how your post related to mine, but I knew it did. Haha, sorry about the knickers phobia. Honestly, I do really and truly throw them out, but there’s always this little commentary going on about it while I do so. LOL!
And I constantly throw out old clothes and/or donate them to charity. It can be freeing, but oh… don’t get me started on thoughts around what happens to them once no one loves them any more, post-charity usage!!
@RealJIMMY – Good grief, that’d make me some kind of FREAK!! And you know I’m not that, right? 😉
I loved this, Svasti, and think that your peeking over just to say ‘hi’ was a sweet gesture. But you were a good sport, so there, you showed those girls!
I am one of those who likes personal space—the more the better. I don’t think, though, that personal space and privacy were a big deal to me when I was very young.
As far as clothing is concerned, if I’ve decided to get rid of something, whether via the garbage or donation, I don’t give it a second thought and away it goes. Deciding to part with something in the first place is a whole different issue and I’m likely to hold on to something for decades for sentimental reasons (like my first bike helmet from 25 years ago!). Yikes—I’ve got some cleanin’ out to do!
@earthtoholly – Hey don’t get me wrong. I think I have a fairly wide ranging personal space radius myself. Although strangely enough, when travelling in highly populated places (like Asian countries) I seem to naturally shrink it in, perhaps knowing there’s little I can do about it?
Really I don’t have too much trouble giving away/disposing of clothes in general, but seriously, there is always this little underlying voice there… 😉
Lucky for me I’m the opposite of a hoarder. The more I can throw out/give away, the better I feel. Which means I’m a 37 year old woman with very little in the way of possessions, but it works for me that way. Much better than the opposite. In fact, part of the reason I think I’ve never invested in property or even started saving towards such a thing, is my horror of the ‘locked in’ feel I get as a result.
Not quite what I’m meant to be doing, I know. Meant to be getting all serious and saving for a place of my own… appealing on one level but definitely not on so many others!
Do not ever look over the stall at me! Just saying lol 🙂
Is it wrong that I use old knickers as cleaning rags? Once washed of course.
@Claire – Funnily enough, I never did that again! 😉
Hrmmm, I don’t know if its wrong to use old knickers as cleaning rags, I think its a matter of personal preference. But I simply couldn’t, ewww!
mausoleum of dead knickers….PRICELESS! Brilliant and insightful and funny as hell *laughing my ass off*
@Christa – Glad you liked it! I really thought that was one of my better lines in recent times!! 😉