Tags
channelling, Depression, higher consciousness, perception, PTSD, self-beliefs, Something Important, worthlessness
It’s a little mystical, the way my fingers seem to know what to write before I’ve formed a cognisant idea about the things that appear before me on-screen.
Seems I’ve got a lot to say right now, but none of it is what I planned on saying.
And y’know, it’s almost like my keyboard is hijacking the schedule here, perhaps in collusion with my heart. No, it’s deeper than that. My higher consciousness (whatever that is) has hacked the system or something!
There’s a takeover going on here, over my words and my stories. I’m feeling a touch fragile as a result.
But because its stuff that usually comes out poetically or abstractly, I’m having a hard time putting it together rationally.
Like… This morning.
On the tram going to work, I realised Something Important:
I’m still holding onto this idea that my life isn’t meaningful or worth anything unless I’m loved and/or doing something useful with myself.
So, right now according to this logic my life is worth nothing. It’s pointless. I’m not anyone’s significant other. I have a crappy job. I have no money. I have no children. I don’t have any concrete plans to set the world on fire and be useful.
But today I decided to challenge this thinking!
So, if some/all of these things were happening in my life – that would suddenly mean I was worthwhile?
Yes!
But though currently I’m essentially the same person, just not actually engaging in any of the things that I think will make me happy and fulfilled… because I’m not doing those things, I’m not worthwhile?
That’s right!
Hmmmm…
Asking myself questions like this, I can see just how ludicrous such self-beliefs really are.
So… I’m not worth anything unless I’m being useful. And I can’t be useful because I’m not worth anything?
You got it!
Ah, a glimpse at the craziness we humans operate in, as we beat ourselves up time and again. This is a peek into my very own personalised version of it.
It’s fascinating.
But circumstances change. The things we think make us happy change, too. Geez am I glad I don’t have the same definition of happiness I had as a teenager any more!
And this means our likes and dislikes are a moving target, and so then it can’t mean anything about us if we haven’t attained those things we like/want. Right?
I try to remember my thought processes pre-assault, depression and PTSD. That was a life I knew, a way of being happy. Its stuff I can no longer relate to in the same way.
I try to recall how I coped with life, what I wanted and how I felt about myself in general. It’s not easy to dig into those memories, because much of it is obscured by the assault.
I do remember events that happened as much as is possible with my fallible human mind.
But my perception of myself was altered so much that it’s hard to see anything as I used to. The memories of how I felt about myself pre-assault are hazy at best.
There’s a solid disconnect there. Different life, different time.
I’m pretty sure I used to be relatively confident. Even though I’ve never been happy with my looks I was always still confident in who I was. Or maybe that’s a lie and it just looks that way in comparison to how I feel now. No… I’m pretty sure that I had some things I was confident about and others where I felt vulnerable and shy.
But I used to have a lot more energy and ability to commit myself to things. I was stronger and fitter. It wasn’t a struggle through every single day. I didn’t have to push myself to cook nutritious meals. I had boyfriends, I went out and socialised much more than I do now.
And that was then.
Okay, as I’m typing this, here’s the breaking story from wherever the hell this stuff is coming from right now…
Being assaulted that night, just that one single night, made me feel completely worthless. Or rather, those feelings about myself existed already somewhere in my psyche, but it wasn’t actively how I saw myself. That night, I thought I was going to die.
And so somehow I made what happened to me mean that I might as well be dead. Or at the very least, as small as a piece of fluff caught on a hedge. Where does the fluff go eventually? Who knows? But that small. That’s how I felt, and in some ways, its how I still feel.
Maybe because if I was that small or entirely worthless, then maybe no one would ever touch me like that again. Or betray me. Or lie to me. Or pretend to be one person, only to reveal Dr Hyde later on.
What I’m just beginning to understand is, this was the story I allowed myself to believe.
A deep sense of worthlessness overwhelmed me and it seems that while I’ve been trying to recover, I’ve never actually addressed this belief about myself directly.
And I’ve never really seen it like that before, until now.
~ Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
It’s amazing what you can make yourself believe if you repeat it to yourself long enough. I look back and try to understand what I thought I would achieve by telling myself I was worthless and undeserving of anything good, and all I could come up with was that it made it easier to cope with other people’s abuse of me, both in the past and in the future. The assumption was that I’d always come across abusive, unstable people and it was stupid to hope to be a healthy person with healthy relationships. It was blasphemy.
Our minds are powerful tools for good, but effective agents for danger as well, in a way we often underestimate.
Good one, Svasti! Makes sense… It sounds like what happened was (understandably) more than your structure of “self”
could reasonably integrate at that time. I also think that all this info pouring in is spiritual healing in action. For the last while–I’m not really sure how long–I too have been having interesting insights showing up here and there, and I write ’em down when I can. I’m happy for you in this phase of growth. I think it’s good to see your truth, and it might be the only way to heal.
I envy you being able to ‘write it out’. That is what I lamented in my last post– not being able to pull those inner thoughts to the surface through my fingertips. Being creative doesn’t even enter into the picture. It seems you have learned a very important bit of information about yourself. One that may carry you much closer to recovery than you even understand right now. Keep going Svasti– you’re on a roll.
@Jaleesa – Yeah, whether its something you tell yourself or something someone else is telling you about yourself… and how did it get to the point where you’re telling yourself all this negative stuff anyway? Works for both positivity and negativity but most people I think, have a harder time telling themselves positive things all the time and turning that into something!
Recently I commented on Blisschick’s blog about how I once tried out for the school hockey team and went for the position of the goalkeeper because I knew everyone else wanted to be on the field and there would be less competition for the goalie job.
Which, I think, is a clear representation of what I thought of myself. The question is, how did that thinking became the norm?
@Brooks – Something is certainly pouring in through me and its a very interesting time for me, that’s for sure. And I do think this is really important in the overall healing process. For a while I’ve been saying that I realise this journey I’m on actually didn’t start the night I was assaulted – it started long before that and was brought to a head by the assault. And now I’m unravelling this stuff. I don’t think I’ve got a shot at enlightenment until I can unravel these ideas and beliefs that hold me where I’m at…
@tricia – Well, this isn’t a normal experience. It doesn’t always come out like this and certainly not all the time. So, I say keep being patient. Remain open to the possibility but don’t become anxious or impatient because the words aren’t happening. They’ll come, in their own time. 🙂
hey Svasti, I’ve come back to read this a few times now, taking in your words, unable to formulate my own.
A deep sense of worthlessness overwhelmed me and it seems that while I’ve been trying to recover, I’ve never actually addressed this belief about myself directly.
And I’ve never really seen it like that before, until now.
– such a powerful statement. I feel that you shared a moment of catharsis that deserves an honoring.
Prior to facing and working hard on all the experiences of abuse I encountered, first as a child, then later as an adult, there were periods that I would spiral into where I truly believed my worthlessness was proven by the actions of other’s assault performed against me – why else would they have happened?! Insanity in action! I don’t believe that any longer, and instead have found blessings within the horrors, primarily by learning how to forgive myself for those beliefs of unworthiness, and also through learning how to be more fully in the present. I still hear the whispers of the voice of unworthiness try to get my attention, but she sounds more like a fool to my ear these days!
Thank you for allowing us to bear witness to your powerful conversation with self.
Karin
Hi, Svasti –
For me, the insights that come in the odd times of the day are the ones that are life changing . . . and it sounds like this might be the case for you, as well — or at least in this one instance.
Thank you for writing it down, for exploring it, for sharing it with us.
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
@Karin – Thank you, I really appreciate your comment. I think considering ourselves as worthless is a way of protecting ourselves when bad things happen. Or at least, that’s the intent. It neutralises shocking things as much as possible. If we don’t matter, then what happened doesn’t matter either. Of course, that’s a very short term strategy and it doesn’t really help you when you’re trying to recover. But there aren’t enough people around in day to day who are experienced in dealing with the aftermath of trauma. And this is what I think is missing, that bridge between the world of entirely wounded and the place where you can function somewhat, even if its not quite at 50%. And so the demons speak to us of our lack of worth, because it worked so well for us at the moment of trauma.
But it isn’t true. What I found really fascinating was having this conversation with myself and being able to clearly see the flaws in the logic of this negative self-talk. It was quite amazing!
@mmaaggnnaa – Yes, it definitely pays to write those things does. And absolutely, this was a very important moment for me…
You beautiful, beautiful woman of God. I honor your beauty and am deeply touched by your wounds.
I think you might glean something in reading “Captivating” by Stasi and John Eldredge.
Love to you, from one stranger to another, a sister and common friend.
@Elle – Well, thank you for dropping by, with your lovely and kind words. 😀