Been feeling kinda shy here on my blog of late. Protective. Little did I know that writing some posts on Swamiji’s passing would draw the number of visitors that it did – a good 600% of my usual traffic!
Then I got a little overexcited on Twitter and created the #yogadorks of the world map… hehe!
Not that I regret those things at all, but there’s a part of me that wants this blog to remain hidden. It’s easier to say what I want to say if I’m over here with only a handful people looking.
I’m not after extensive readership, not for this blog. But maybe I’ll write another one some time under my own name, who knows?
So I’m happy with a handful of readers, just the people who get it, y’know?
However, nowadays there’s more than a few people that know who I am beyond my nom de plume. For the most part I don’t mind so much, I guess. There’s a tiny percentage of people I really really wish I’d never lifted the veil of anonymity for (which makes me even more protective of my identity). But I suspect those don’t folks read my blog any more anyway. I hope!
You never know, though. Thing is, once you’ve given up your real life identity instead of remaining 100% Clark Kent-ish, everything changes. And there are some things I don’t want to change.
Like… noticing that I’ve drawn away from my usual candidness. I see it. I still have a bunch of stories that need to be written and I want to write them, I do. I want to scrape the fetid remnants from their bolthole and set them free! So they can decompose gracefully and no longer cause me sorrow, fear or anger etc.
Writing has and continues to be hugely helpful to work through my stuff, along with yoga and meditation (but of course).
Sometimes I find the act of publishing an intensely personal/painful story affords me a perspective I can’t get when it’s all inside my mind. But to do so takes me to raw and edgy places, and to allow myself such rawness, I need safety.
My blog was created to be that safe place. But lately, I’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable about posting some of the more intense things I want to say. I worry about who is reading, and what I’m sharing in my paradoxical public/private space.
But anyway, I’ve decided it’s time to get on with it! Bite the bullet and remember why I started this blog in the first place. Regardless.
I’ve spun some unfinished tales out over this entire year. Perversely, that makes me feel a little anxious! They need closure… and there’s others I’ve not even hinted at yet. They need to be told, too.
Shadows are far worse than the full light of day. Identifying and revealing my fears, while it may appear petulant, pitiful, immature or whatever… is beneficial in the long run. For me at least. And maybe for those that’ve had similar experiences of human being-ness, too.
So what the heck!
I just hope those who do know the yogini behind the blog… won’t find January’s stories to be too… whatever. If you know what I mean.
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 
I’m a relatively ‘new’ reader, and although I knew about your blog previously, I felt that I didn’t have any stand or right to read some of your more personal-story posts. I could tell it was personal and meant for you- which I think is beautiful and strong. It’s so important for this topic to have a Voice.
walking that line of giving information is tricky. I’ve created a new email for that reason…
Those who truly *know* you will accept you for who you are, the good, bad and more sketchy-side.
It would be a shame for something so cathartic to be suppressed. I support you on this journey, and perhaps will gently allow some privacy for some of your more ‘private’ stories. 🙂
Many Blessings
Let ‘er rip! However, I do also understand the concept of safety, and only you can know and respect those boundaries for yourself… Let this blog be what it needs to be, for YOU, dear Svasti!
Your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable are traits I so admire, Svasti. But I think you know that. 🙂
I have always found that you walk the line between enough and too much in just the right way. You give the reader what they need in order to understand the larger point, but you hold back details that are yours alone.
It is in the specific, of course, that the universal is found, but we don’t need every little detail.
There is much that I don’t share. I think the people who “need” my writing are also people with whom I can “shorthand” a lot. Besides, that allows them to see themselves in it.
Okay…now I am just talk talk talking. But this is an interesting subject in and of itself.
Firstly, thanks so much, Svasti, for your very kind and sensitive comment on my blog…it was beautiful. I have been way lax in visiting you since I returned and you’ve been so faithful a reader. Curses on me! I will do better!
I think I know what you mean here. I’ve recently let two very good friends know about my blog and I was hesitant about today’s post, although it seemed important that I write it. Although I originally meant to be totally annonymous, over the months I’ve revealed enough for anyone I know to find me if they tried. So be it! I agree with your commenters up there, though…just write what you gotta write! :o)
@EcoYogini – I honestly do not mind you reading what I write. As I said, if anything I write resonates with someone else’s experience of life, then good. Maybe it will help us both feel less alone? Don’t feel like you have to give me privacy. Your insight and sensitive nature are most appreciated!
@Brooks Hall – I’m working up to it, I promise! I guess I’ve felt the need to hold back, but that need is rapidly changing… I hope.
@Blisschick – Thanks, those are good thoughts to consider. Although there is much to come that, even with ‘not every detail’ included, won’t be very easy to write or to read. *sigh*
@earthtoholly – You are more than welcome, Holly! There’s no score being kept, read and/or comment if you have time and feel so inclined. No need to curse yourself, okay?
Thanks for dropping by, and I’m very glad you wrote what you did. Can’t let the bleakness win, right?
Dearest Svasti, One of the things I love about you is your honesty in what your experiencing, as your experiencing it. I know for myself, when I’m able to just put myself out there, the way you have in this post, I am able to deflate much of the self consciousness or shyness I’m feeling about self exposure. I agree with everything Christine has said – you walk the line beautifully here, bravely sharing your experiences in a way that makes them relatable and inspiring. Wishing you a joyful and peaceful holiday!! love, Karin
Dear Svasti–
I am looking forward to reading whatever you have to say in January (and beyond!). I wanted to stop by and wish you the happiest of Holidays and hope that the New Year brings continued healing and much happiness.
Love,
Melinda
I think when you have the call to write, it can be very painful, especially since it’s strange to have people who don’t know you judging your work.
But someone like you especially, has the power to change people’s lives and help them by sharing your experiences. You have a gift, and if you can protect yourself while you share it, it is a wonderful thing.
Remember that in yoga, we create boundaries and foundation so that we can express and expand fully. First align, know your boundaries, and let freedom unfold.
Can’t wait!
Happy Turn of the year…Svasti. Rock on under whatever name you find suitable at the present moment.
@Karin – I’ve always admired your posts, too. And not just for your art (which is amazing). Thanks for your support. I hope I can find the right way to say the things I need to say in the very near future!
@Melinda – Thank you, and the same to you, you wonderful lady!
@RB – That first sentence you wrote is very apt. Thank you for your very kind words – if there’s anything I can do to help others, then I am glad. In the meantime, I’ve always thought “Writing to Survive” (one of the links on the right side of my blog) was a very appropriate name for a blog. It’s very much how I feel sometimes.
@laughingyogini – And best wishes to you, what a year, eh? Best wishes for the coming year to you and yours.
Ah — I understand this. It does change things (or it did for me) to have people from my “real” life (or my past — hello, Facebook) read the blog — or at least I’ve thought once or twice about posting certain things and am very reluctant to “complain” about my current life. But I think having a certain openness about who one is is important and so far I’ve found that what I write doesn’t matter to the people I care about. I think you will have a similar experience.
And I hope you have a fabulous New Year’s Eve with Shiv and CC.
@Jennifer – Thanks for your input, I know you’ve been through similar things. And your advice is probably spot on although it might take me a while to get there. Hope your celebrations were marvellous! 😀
Your blog is so informative … ..I just bookmarked you….keep up the good work!!!!
Hey, I found your blog in a new directory of blogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, anyway cool blog, I bookmarked you. 🙂
-Robert Shumake Fifth Third