Tags
Change, Dancing, Depression, Exhibit A, Fear, good luck fairies, grasping, inner yogi, lila, Meditation, nothing is wrong, Panic, perceived indestructibility, preferences, Sanskrit, thin-cold fingers, uncertain, unemployment, winter solstice, wrongness, Yoga
Middle of the year and all, only days from the winter solstice (in the southern hemisphere!) and there’s a heck of a lot of shifting going on.
In fact, there always is, right? It’s just that we tend not to notice so much when it doesn’t affect us personally.
Unless of course, you take up yoga, meditation or dancing or some other kind of activity that helps us uncover our sensitivity and connection to the world. Even then, it can be a little hit and miss, depending on how self-involved we are on any given day.
And even then, only if we learn to divest ourselves of attachments to this interaction of interconnected energies. The thing we call life. Because it’s the attachment to emotions, the rules of the game, our form and/or how we perceive others are perceiving us (for example), that keep us tethered to the rule book.
In Sanskrit, the word lila is used to describe life, but it actually translates back into English as ‘play’. The play of life.
Been getting a little freaked out in the last couple of weeks because the contract job I’m doing right now is finishing up at the end of the month. On the 25th to be exact. No extensions are being offered because the company is itself, going through a bunch of transformations.
Like unwelcome acupressure applied directly to the heart, I can taste just a hint of panic rising as the days of June tick by.
My freak out isn’t so much about things ending, as the reasonable possibility that I’ll be out of a job. Again. With two weeks to go, I still don’t have a job, or any interviews lined up. And yes, I’ve been doing everything I can!
And the soul-crippling depression and fear I experienced last year during four months of unemployment is attempting to creep its way back into the pit of my stomach like thin-cold fingers of smoke, grasping at my throat and whispering horror stories from back then.
Of course, I’m talking to a bunch of recruiters and have a several leads to follow up. But nothing is definite yet. Although, as I said to a recruiter I spoke to the other day – when is any job ever definite or secure?
Regardless, a dozen plans have taken up residence in my mind, attempting to allay any potential panic but actually, has led to a great deal of thrashing around as a result. Not so helpful!
But I’m waging a war against such uncertainties, because certainty really is so entirely uncertain. Is it not? We’d like to pretend otherwise, but our fragility and mortality are much closer to the edge of our perceived indestructibility than we think.
Clarity came again one night about a week ago as I took in a sweeping panoramic view of my life as it stands. I calculated how quickly I’ll run out of money this time around (really soon!) if I don’t get a job in a hurry. And considered how I might possibly avoid falling into the same black pit as last time.
But all of these thoughts were based on the premise that something in my life was wrong. Until that moment, I was pretty convinced of the wrongness of not having a job, wielding last year’s experience as Exhibit A. Those four months of unemployment were bad, according to the judgemental little voice in my mind.
Luckily, that judge-voice isn’t the only one speaking provocative ideas inside my head! The next question (proposed I think, by my inner yogi self) was: But what if nothing is really wrong at all?
It went on: The upset we feel when things go “wrong” is often more disturbing than the perceived wrongness itself. And we combine it with the situation we’ve proclaimed as wrong or bad, creating a seemingly insurmountable wall of stress. But really, is anything actually wrong?
For now, I’ve come down on the side of my inner yogi.
Nothing is inherently wrong, regardless of my preferences. Even if I don’t get a job again for months, and even if that means I can’t go on retreat in October (as per my current plans). Even if I have to get a flatmate or move out of my current place and sell most of my possessions. Even if I end up homeless, there’s still not actually anything wrong. It’s just life in action, and my response to those things is something I’m in charge of.
That doesn’t mean I won’t do everything I can to get a job. Of course I will!
My inner yogi wanted to know this, too: Can I apply this idea to any situation? To the BP oil spill? To the death of a child? To natural disasters? To the two year old child in Indonesia addicted to smoking?
Perhaps. I think it’s more truthful to admit that I’m not there yet, but working on it!
To say that nothing is inherently wrong doesn’t mean we don’t care when life gets shitty. We don’t stop participating in life. But we do learn to see the greater interplay of existence. The flow and play of life.
And this blog post represents my attempt to relax into that flow and accept whatever is coming my way, responding appropriately but doing everything I can to avoid falling into a pit of despair should life not go the way I want it to…
~Svasti
P.S. If you find any good luck fairies, please send them my way, stat! 😉
This is a beautiful post. It’s so important to stay grounded in the present and not let our anxiety for the future take us hostage from our own lives.
Wishing you continued strength and wisdom.
b.
PS – I want you to know that thanks to you and your blog I got in touch with Michele Rosenthal at Heal my PTSD and I am making some MAJOR breakthroughs (I hope) with some stuff I’ve been avoiding for far too long. So, LOVE. You are going to be getting some of that karma coming your way. 🙂
This morning I wrote down my wishes and affirmations. Then I closed the notebook and walked away. Trusting in what will be is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn. I’m still not great at it, but I have learned that most things do happen for a reason.
I am sending fairies. Obviously 😉
i dont know about fairies… they havent spoken to me yet at least… but know there is a pretty sizable internet (and i’m sure in person) community out there to support you, provide love and feedback.
peace to you,
emma
the Truth that everything is temporary, everything is impermanent — yes, even the oil spill although it does not seem that way — always sustains me through fear, depression, doubt, etc.
metta to you….
Hi, Svasti –
Part of me wants to hurt for you . . . and another part of me is glad that you are having such a great opportunity for learning very important life lessons.
Several years ago, I was unemployed for almost two years . . . lost “everything” . . . but gained a new way of living that has turned out to be awesome. I wouldn’t have been brave enough to make the shift on my own.
So . . . while it really sucked when it was happening, I am so grateful that it happened.
I appreciate that you are willing to search for the lesson . . .
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
**Sprinkling appropriate good luck dust**
I am working on this very directly right now, as our oldest cat, Scottie, is really slowing down. He is 16 and a half, and the last of our original 4 cats. It is so easy to just fall into grief, but thank God for Marcy!
She keeps reminding me (and I DO believe this…) that all shall be well. Period. No matter what.
It is my life’s mantra.
good luck fairy your way!
I so empathise with this. I’m so ‘brave’ but I tremble at the thought of being out of a job…no wrong there…what I mean is being out of money.
Money-lack would mean…I couldn’t afford my car. (I could go by bus) I can’t afford a bus (I have a pensioner’s bus pass) I would’d be able to go to restaurants (eat at home) I wouldn’t be able to drink wine (drink water)…and then the most biggest worry – I might be homeless…(go to the social services and see what’s around)
It’s not easy, but don’t panic…most of the stuff is material…just take care of the home-arrangements. Lodgers and flat-mates are not that bad…maybe the world wants you to meet a person it has lined up for your help.
I was re-possessed around 17 years ago (not my soul…my flat) and I was literally standing outside, after the baliffs had taken over. Standing with 2 suitcases and no-where to go. Then a friend who I hadn’t seen for ages turned up and took me for a burger and then gave me a lift to the YMCA. I had enough money for 2 nights stay. Then I phoned a friend in Coventry, who said she would put me up for a week…
…the friend has now moved to another house (not because of me 🙂 and I’m sitting typing this in the house were I stayed for a week…17years later.
Everything will be OK…Just want it to be. Depression is self-destructive – don’t go back there.
love
Henry
Hi Svasti, this is such an important *truth*. In my mind and heart it is Truth, as my mantra is all is well, always, even when stuff really sucks – like having cancer, or being jobless! I’m sending as many good luck fairies, job finding sprites, and positive vibes your way a i can. i’ve no doubt you’ll make good use of your time – perhaps this would be a good time for posting a few signs offering private teaching of yoga?! I know I’d scoop you up in a flash, for one on one guidance! xox K
Hi Svasti,
This is a really lovely post – detachment is such a tricky thing, for me at least. It is sooo hard to feel detached when you’re in the middle of something so huge like you are. And it is so natural that we go back to all those times we’ve previously gone through something similar … and it feels especially scary if you’re also prone to depression. I’d be guessing that you’ve learnt a lot about yourself since the last ‘job change experience’ last year and it sounds like you’re doing all the right things for yourself. Love this reminder: “Nothing is inherently wrong, regardless of my preferences”
*sending good luck fairies*
Kerry
You won’t end up homeless, you have friends who can put you up if it comes to that!
And there is always (cough) Centrelink…
Now that that is out of the way: GREAT post.
Damn, if you can even write these words at a time like this, you are right where you should be.
Which was kind your point, non?
“The upset we feel when things go “wrong” is often more disturbing than the perceived wrongness itself.”
This is so so true. I am so glad you’re using to get through this. It’s so hard to believe, but can be so stabilizing.
I also meant to follow up that I would love to meet your Bay Area friends. In fact, maybe while you’re not working, you should come to the Bay Area for a visit 😉
Svasti–it is always unsettling to find work running out. I am something of a contract worker–I’m an adjunct with several universities and it is ‘by will’ employment–meaning it can end after every term. Luckily, most people seem to want me to return–and I am sure they will you also!
But that kind of thing can wear on you! Particularly if you have a memory of struggling in the recent past (as you did).
Stay strong, focused, and positive as I know you will. Good energy brings in positive results. You are amazing and everyone will want you.
Melinda
p.s. As my friend Kent used to say right before I made an entrance on stage, “Go knock ’em dead honey! They want to love you!”
Thank you everyone, for your really lovely comments and support!
@LaGitane – I can’t tell you how glad I am you found Michele’s blog via mine, and that you’re working through some stuff as a result. 😀
@Rachel @ Suburban Yogini – Ha! Yes. And often I think that I’m only dealing with things I can handle. Even if I don’t like those things at all!
@Emma – Thanks Emma. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that support, as we all do. 🙂
@Linda-Sama – Having that philosophy as a backdrop to my life has sustained me, too. Thank Kali for it, really!
@Marie – There’s no need to hurt for me. I’m okay. I guess that’s what I was trying to say with this post…
@Christine (Blisschick) Reed – And now Scottie has passed, and while it is very sad. Everything is fine just as it is, right? *hugs*
@maggie – 😀
@soulMerlin – There’s always someone out there with a story like yours. Much worse than what I’ve had to put up with. And I’m so glad your story worked out as well as it has! But essentially none of us like this level of uncertainty. Especially if we don’t have a great support network. But you’re right, we do get by, in the end.
@Karin – You more than most people, know the truth of this mantra! Have to say, last time I was unemployed, I really didn’t make good use of my time – I just fell into depression instead. So if it comes to that, I’m utterly determined that I will do things differently this time. I do have plans, but hopefully I won’t be out of work for long!
@Kerry – Detachment is tricky for us all! It’s true, I have learnt a lot in the past 12-14 months or so… I’m looking forward to meeting you next month!
@nadinefawell – Y’know, in Melbourne, I don’t really have a huge network of friends who could put me up if required. And family… ah, don’t go there! Centrelink really is only a pittance, but yeah, if needed I would. But nevermind. I do believe things will work themselves out. There will always be enough. And yeah, that was kinda my point 🙂
@RB – I’ll email you with some details. Hope all is going well for you in SF!
@Melinda – Unfortunately I don’t really have a back up plan. No partner and only a small amount of savings. So this isn’t a great deal of fun to contemplate. BUT I plan to be as creative as I can around this situation. I’m sure I can make it work somehow! Anything has to be better than last year’s pitiful attempts to stay afloat 😉