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Skewers of pain – the size and shape of knitting needles – seared the bones, joints and soft tissues of my shoulder, as I barely succeeded in not swearing at and/or punching my physio in the face. He left the AC joint alone last night and worked some other areas that clearly needed it… and yeah I know, rehab is a perfect opportunity to apply pranayama to the ‘real world’, although it actually isn’t such a peaceful experience when you’re being excruciatingly assaulted like that. Even if it is voluntary and part of the healing process. Yikes!!!

About the only thing I could think to do next was order a Happy Hour $2 glass of tasty Shiraz at the teensy little bar (which looks like it belongs in Europe and not downtown Prahran) with the fabulously quirky music, just half a block down the street. I wandered into its miniscule back room clutching my wine glass and a trashy escapist novel to sit in the booth with the red lighting and leather couches. Really, I just wish I knew what the heck the universe had in store for me other than this.

This… strange half-life I seem to be living. Alive, awake, mostly taking care of myself, socialising with people without really having a lot of close friends (at least not locally). Sometimes working and sometimes not. Almost a yoga teacher, but even that isn’t going to come easily, apparently (see below).

And then, some weird teasingly curious possibility. One that might not even come to pass. Yet there it is, whispering of its own strange potentiality from the other side of the world. Might as well be in another galaxy, really. Of course, it’s not even a definitely maybe situation. Only a possibly maybe one. And I don’t let myself hope (not yet), because it sounds vaguely like something I might really like and I’m superstitious like that. But more on that ONLY if anything actually comes into being beyond the current faintly drawn shadows.

It could mean more adventure, more change, more travelling gypsy insanity (which seems to sit very well with my constitution even if there’s a part of me that really wouldn’t mind settling down. Because another part of me just wriggles and laughs hysterically at the very idea!).

But the truth is, I don’t know! I can’t seem to make proper sense of my life, even though sometimes I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. I feel like I lost the really strong connection to my life’s path many years ago, and now I’m having trouble receiving those memos. Okay, sometimes they’re crystal clear and others… well, I feel like I’m on a life raft in the middle of an ocean and not even a speck of land in sight.

Perhaps that’s just where I’m meant to be right now? I figure it can’t always be like this (because it’s no place to really live a life), but it sure seems like I’ve been on this raft for quite a while now…

Last Saturday I was all excited about my first day as a real live yoga teacher, and about helping other people. People who can’t normally afford yoga classes and who actually, possibly need yoga more than others. Then, we all need yoga in my humble opinion (even if we don’t want it)!

So the night before, I packed the pannier bags of my bike, all full up with yoga mats.

And I get up early to run through my plans for the class. I cycle over and arrive EARLY (which is quite a spectacular thing for me to achieve).

And I expect them to be possibly a little bit late. But the joke is on me because no one arrives.

Despite the phone enquiries I’d received and the promotion of the classes through the social service agency network, NO ONE. Not a soul. Free yoga and no one wants it? Yeah, I’d heard my Guru speak about things like this. All those times when he offered free teachings and no one showed up…

I stayed for a while, going through my class plan again. Just for the practice and because well, perhaps someone would show up really late.

But no.

Thing is, I can’t say I wasn’t warned because I was. I knew this whole scheme of mine was a bit of a gamble. Most of the activities they run happen during the weekdays and in the 9-5 timeframe. But because I work (or plan to be working) those hours, I can’t commit to a daytime weekday gig.

I was warned that without social workers around to encourage them to go, it could be hard for them to manage to leave the house. And I get that. I’ve personally acquired a rather intimate understanding of depression and anxiety and the need to dig in right where you are – safe in your home.

I tried really hard not to feel bad about it. I didn’t take it personally or anything but I’ll admit my disappointment. There I was, finally ready to teach and… nothing. Haha! The universe and it’s games!

Also, I still have no job, although there’s a couple of prospects. But those prospects are taking a while to work through the process… There’s a little bit of temp work but not much, and I’m doing everything I can to save money, which means a bit of an empty social life!

Everything right now seems to be a struggle. Not in a depression, can’t get out of bed kind of way, but I really and truly feel rudderless. And I remember that for a long stretch of time in my life, that’s not how it was for me at all. I recall feeling innately alive and connected to the world and knowing very clearly what I should be doing and when. My intuition – although still doing okay sometimes these days – always used to be red hot. Always.

I really do feel stuck in a rut and I’m not quite sure just yet, how I’m gonna get out…

Good thing I’m going to this wonderful and FULLY SOLD OUT workshop (which I wisely paid for before I was out of a job) on Saturday, huh?

~Svasti

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