affirmations, Anger, bush flower essences, cheated, confession, crystals, finger-in-the-pie, Forgiveness, giggles, Kali, Kinesiology, lost years, muscle testing, rape, Shiva, spring clean, tuning forks, unstuck, Zombie
So here’s a confession for you, although not a particularly juicy one: I have no freakin’ idea how kinesiology works. I just know that it does.
Perhaps it functions as a channel to communicate directly with the body, or the higher self, our guides or even the universe. Or perhaps all of those things are really just one and the same and it doesn’t matter what you think you’re communicating with. What matters is that it gets to the heart of things. The truth. The stuff that needs to be heard and dealt with – kinesiology connects with all of that beautifully. Intuitively.
Also, by way of a secondary confession: I giggled heartily throughout of Monday’s kinesiology session, tears seeping from the corners of my eyes! I giggled at myself and at the very, ummm… finger-in-the-pie spot-on-ness of stuff that was coming up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t become hysterical in my laughter (right, Kerry?), but it was probably close.
I knew, totally KNEW without a doubt, there was more to do in my inner world. More to clear out. More to resolve. Because I want to become as functional a human being as I possibly can. I have no idea how much work there is to do still – and of course, that’s not counting any gunk I’d accumulated before the last five years. But hey, if I can even spring clean those last five years from my body, heart and mind then I’ll be an extremely happy lady…
My very first encounter with kinesiology was years back, when I worked for a chiropractor. She’d use it in practical ways to assist her chiropractic treatments, but then she also once used it to help me clear out a really bad dream (that was, if you like, related to a past life). And yep, that’s a story I haven’t written here.
I had a little more kinesiology several years after that to combat yet another traumatic dream memory – but that one was related to experiences from this life time.
Then there was a little kinesiology about four months after I was assaulted – still living in a daze, still thinking that I could wait out all of the nightmarish things that made life so unbearable… The treatments I had at that time, however, were about just getting me to a somewhat functional state. The months preceding that, I was little more than a zombie. Floating through my days, and trying not to feel. Trying to ignore the photo negative imprint of his eyes seared onto my retinas… trying to sleep my days away as obliviously as I could. Wishing for all the world that I’d just stop existing.
My kinesiologist at that point related her own horror story: being raped by someone who’d become infatuated with her. Raped at knife point, over and over. I remember being amazed that she could speak so calmly about it. It’s only been in the last year that I’ve been able to talk about my own experiences without completely losing my shit.
It was through the lovely Nadine that I learned of Kerry. I went to Kerry and Nadine’s first Unstuck workshop (which was awesome, by the way) and through the synchronicity of these experiences, I knew I’d end up going to see Kerry at some stage. I just wasn’t sure when.
Well, the ‘when‘ is right now. So turn up the heat, baby!
Monday night included much head nodding, many ‘doh’ moments, and the aforementioned hilarity. Kerry would do her thing with the muscle testing and speak words that couldn’t have been more spot on if she’d been inside my head. Lots of my ‘stuff’ was demanding to be heard and in no uncertain terms. Very blunt, it was.
We’d talked about what I wanted to do with these sessions, and Kerry wrote a series of affirmations for us to work with. I think the list went something like this:
- I trust myself
- I trust my decisions
- I trust that I’m headed in the right direction
- I find my perfect weight
- I forgive myself
- I can forgive the past
Uhhh… say WHAT?
I. Can. Forgive. The. Past?!?!?!?!
Ermmm, well not really, actually. Not right now.
I could barely get the words out of my mouth when Kerry asked me to say them. And right then I wasn’t laughing any more. In fact I was choking a little, the way I used to in therapy when working on something really difficult.
Oh. Apparently, forgiving the past wasn’t okay with me. And perhaps for the first time, I explained it out loud and in fully formed sentences…
I feel that in some really important ways, the last five years were stolen. Wasted. Despite what I’ve learned and how much I’ve grown and had to come to terms with myself, there’s a part of me that would trade ALL of that to get those years back. To be as fit and healthy as I was then. To still possess the same level of happiness and confidence. To have been in a position to date and/or be in a relationship. To have possibly met someone I wanted to have kids with.
That last one is HUGE. I’ve been grieving for those lost years.
And I love kids, really, really, really. I wanted and STILL want the opportunity to be a mother. Like a lot of women, and I know I’m far from alone in that. I’m thirty-eight, and in December I’ll be thirty-nine. While I know that some women are fortunate enough to meet their partner and have babies at this age and later, I feel… good god but I feel so ANGRY and CHEATED out of those years! Prime years, where the chances of me being able to get pregnant were better than they are now. Better than they’ll ever be again.
Those years are gone and I can not get them back. There’s nothing I can do about it. And the person I’m angry at of course, is me. Kali and Shiva help me!
And so we worked those affirmations, and a whole bunch of other stuff I probably can’t remember correctly. In addition to muscle testing, kinesiology uses some awesome tools – like bush flower essences, tuning forks, crystals (apparently I need to acquire a blue lace agate) and prayer cards (cheeky things!). And there’s a bunch of stuff associated with the results of whatever comes up and those words as I mentioned were cutting right through. No messing about!
But we weren’t done yet. There was another message for me – seems I’m not doing enough to satisfy my creativity. Apparently the blogging and the yoga teaching are good, but my body/higher self/guides/the universe wants more. Wants me to write more!
Which is, y’know, terrifying. I like my little blog here, and the idea of drawing more attention to myself by getting stuff published makes my mind turn to mush. In fact, I don’t have the faintest idea how I’d go about getting published! Or what I’d write or for what sort of publications.
Kerry did suggest perhaps writing more about what I know – perhaps stuff that would’ve been helpful to me five years ago if I’d come across it… and that’s a great idea because back then, it wasn’t easy to find support groups or even websites that were specific to people in my shoes.
For now, I’m just putting it out there that I plan to make inquiries, see what I can find out and perhaps even plan a few pieces. Which still sounds scary but actually, somewhat manageable.
So Monday was AMAZING (and that’s not even counting the two calls I had about upcoming yoga teaching work!). We shifted a lot of energy and made a good start on the spring cleaning. Even if I looked and felt a little fried when we were done!
There’s more to do though, but that’s for next month…
P.S. ftw = for the win
Rachel @ Suburban Yogini said:
Someone, I forget who, some therapist I’ve seen at some point (that’s a short list….;)) told me that you have to forgive the action but not necessarily the person. It’s the only way to move on. I was livid at the time and it took me about two years to get my head around it. But it worked. In the end.
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things in the world. Perhaps impossible in some situations.
I salute you for how far you’ve come.
I had an ephiphany about forgiveness when I was sitting a silent retreat. I had mucho rage inside me because of how a yoga studio owner treated me. So much rage it affected my low back in a very traumatic way since we carry our emotions in our deep tissues.
I sat and sat and sat and suddenly realized that forgiveness is not for THEM, not for the person who hurt us, but for ME. it’s the “Big Shed” (as in shedding something heavy.) it’s for my own sanity.
once I realized that in my bones, my rage was gone. and my back began to heal.
Svasti, go with trusting your body. Never fails!!
Forgiveness … huge subject … and I believe that it occurs organically, in its own time, if we intend it. It took me about 20 years to forgive the predator of my childhood … and I realized it after the fact.
About the kinesthetic sense, I’ve been reading Peter A. Levine’s new book … It’s blowing me away … and just yesterday I read about his SIBAM model of therapy –> a “bottom up” model that begins with establishing basic sensory safety and enough relative safety in the therapeutic alliance to begin the work of coming back to presence. Peter writes about the kinesthesia: “The kinesthetic sense signals the state of tension of our muscles and relays this information to the brain … [These are] sensations that arise from within the body …” (*In An Unspoken Voice*, pg. 139-140)
Be well xoxo
I know nothing about kinesiology but it sure sounds interesting. And I hear you about the wasted years … I have some of those as well. I figure the only thing for me to do is live as well as I can for those years I have left.
I, too, salute your courage. And for the record, I think you’re a bloody great writer.
@Rachel @ Suburban Yogini – Thank you, dearie! Honestly, the hardest work in all of this is forgiving myself, not others…
@Linda-Sama – More than anything I know that forgiveness is for the self. Years ago I thought about how holding onto all our rage is like carrying around a backpack full of rocks without even realising it. Of course we’d be crabby and in pain with all those rocks in that backpack! Those rocks don’t actually hurt anyone except ourselves… yeah, believe me I get that.
@Jaliya – Thank you for the tip on the book. And I agree, healing can only ever be organic. When we’re ready for it, and the other thing about healing is that it happens in layers. So many layers! xo
@Anne-Marie – If you have any mental or physical trauma, habits or patterns you’d like to change, then kinesiology is a very powerful way to go about it. Definitely learn more if you’re interested! Ah… lost years, huh? I’m still working towards living as best as I can with what I have left. It’s just that sometimes… well, sometimes I still struggle. A lot.
And thank you for the compliment!! 😀