Tonight is not one of my better nights. Sparkly thoughts are lacking.
Devastation rules the playground and I’m sad. Angry, too. Times like these, I wonder just how much more I can take.
I’ve worked my ass off to get to this point and it feels like there’s always another slap in the face.
Another pothole to stick my foot in while flying a-over-t.
Y’know, I’m actually somewhat good at this whole acceptance thing. I’m like: hey, if this is just how it’s meant to be then I’m good with that. Bring it on!
And then I learn I have hypothyroidism (been scaring myself silly doing internet research), a major iron deficiency, and a couple of other vitamin deficiencies. As a direct result of fucking PTSD.
So I wonder out loud when the hell it’s my turn to not be the punching bag any more? What else to I have to lose in order to move forward? Do I even get to move forward any more or is this as good as it gets?
For five or so years now, I’ve really tried my very best. I have. I’ve mostly kept my chin up during the worst of it all. But there’s never, throughout any of this, been anyone for me to really turn to. To rely on for support. I’ve had to drag my sorry ass one foot in front of the other the whole freakin’ way. And I’m tired. Exhausted and dizzy even, but apparently that’s to do with both the lack of iron and the thyroid stuff.
Now that I’ve come this far, I try to be a good yoga teacher. I mean dang, I was surprised to find that I’d done my training! But now that I have, I constantly question whether I’m really recovered enough to be teaching at all. Regardless, I continue my studies and I’m keeping it super-real with myself and my students. I tell myself that everything I’ve been through is all useful for teaching. But sometimes, even that isn’t enough to keep me going.
At my kinesiology appointment earlier this week, I realised I’m in this place where for the life of me, I just don’t know what to do next. I’ve no idea how to keep things moving forward now that the more obvious signposts have been tackled. I’m just sorta treading water instead.
Today I started reading “Overcoming Trauma Through Yoga”. In the forword, Peter Levine calls healing from trauma a “hero’s journey of recovery and vibrancy”. A hero’s journey. Yes. With so many battles to be fought and won, that’s certainly how it could be described although I never really feel like a hero myself.
That said, a hero doesn’t always have to work alone.
So I’m just gonna put it out there to the Universe (even if I do feel a little silly about this):
What I’d really like right now is a flesh-and-blood-here-in-person Someone to support me. A Champion, if you will.
I don’t care who it is, whether they’re male or female. But I really, really need someone in my right-here-right-now environment who gets me (and I, them) and who can be here for me (and vice-versa). I’ve got plenty of great friends, but most of them don’t live where I do. Those that do are otherwise occupied with being newly married or having babies etc. They’re great, but they’re not available and available is what I need.
Don’t get me wrong, my blog friends – all of you – are awesome.
And Miss Cleo the Kitteh has been brilliant, too.
Really, it’s just that I need a hand. A flesh-and-blood and very literal one.
So dear Universe, please hear my call coz I’m feeling mighty low right about now…
~Svasti
I will help send that wish out for you, Svasti.
There are times when I think I have NO RIGHT to be teaching because I can still be such an f’ing mess, but Marcy (and my students) assures me that this is what makes me the teacher I am. I am honest, always, with my students about where I am, and she says this gives them hope. Shows them an example. Etc. I believe her.
The hero’s journey is an excellent metaphor but I really prefer thinking of myself as a Warrior. It makes more sense to me. 😉
I am HAPPY FOR YOU with these diagnoses, as weird as that sounds. In a short while, you will not believe how much better you will feel. Our physical bodies need to be in good working order or our minds CANNOT follow. Getting your iron and thyroid where they need to be is going to make you feel like a brand new person. I KNOW IT. 🙂
You know Svasti, heroes don’t feel like heroes in the middle of their saga…they just keep struggling on like you are. People outside the story see the heroism. Something to think about.
Like Christine says, it’s excellent that you have that diagnosis and can get some of those physical problems taken care of now. You will feel better. And I know for certain that your wounds will make you a better teacher.
Of course you know this, but a good compatible therapist can be a huge support for healing. There are all kinds of levels of healing too, even after you’ve addressed some of the trauma.
Hope you’re feeling better soon. And the universe answers your call.
i understand. i wish i could be there, miss. so i’m doing what i can — sending lots of energy out so that it may guide a kindred spirit to you. 🙂 love, love, and more love.
I have never posted on your blog before and have been reading it off and on for the last couple of months or so. Based on what I’ve read so far, I think you’ve done an amazing job at healing yourself, so give yourself HUGE credit for that 🙂
According to your bio, you’re in Australia, right? I don’t know anyone in Australia, but I do know someone in Ubud, Bali. Not exactly close but in the general area, right? Anyways, her name is Cat Kabira. She is a yoga teacher, craniosacral therapist, firewalking instructor and an overall sweet and amazing person. She’s been through more than her fair share of battles in life and if you ever get the chance to practice with her, you should take it (even if it’s not the style you currently pracitce): http://www.catkabira.com/index.html
Also, though this isn’t a flesh and blood person, her knowledge and story are inspiring. Her name is Ana Forrest, you may or may not have heard of her. She’s a phenomenal lady her created the style of Forrest yoga and she just put her story and wisdom into concrete form in her first book: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fierce-Medicine/212002215484946 Again, not a flesh and blood person, but her wisdom is valuable.
I just wanted to offer what I could to you. Though it may be different than mine, I know how that low places feels, so I wanted to do what I could to help. Either way, I hope you find the help that you need 🙂
I just wanted to say that you are a beautiful writer.
Putting stuff out there to the universe can be powerful.
Best wishes,
KB