A huge chunk of last year felt like one long relay lap between the doctors, specialists, blood test places, health food stores, yoga classes and my bed. There were a handful of bright lights in 2011 – my good friend getting married, starting a tradition of Sunday walks with said friend and new hubby, my third niece’s birth, and my trip to Bali. Teaching one yoga class a week was a steady constant and a blessing, and I’m forever grateful for my ongoing kinesiology sessions. But everything else felt VERY BLEH.
It was all about the descent into being Very Unwell and the subsequent healing work.
Basically, 2011 was exhausting and extremely tough. Just when I thought I’d finished all of my hardest work.
And, dear readers, over the last few days I’ve begun to notice with total clarity that I’ve not come into 2012 feeling all shiny-brand-new-bursting-with-energy-and-positivity.
You heard me. NOT.
Instead, what I’ve got right now is a case of overwhelm.
Life feels a bit like a game of Twister.
All the bases are loaded with hands and feet everywhere and WHERE ON EARTH is the next foot or hand going when the wheel is spun, once again? Will we topple over in a heap, or keep the precarious balance going a little longer? And just how do we get things untangled again?
You see? Overwhelm.
I’m pretty sure most of this hangs on the issue of:
(dun dun duhhhhnnnnn!)
Currently it can best be described as “hmmmm, okay-ish”.
Seems I’ve hit another wall in the healing process, which means that the early January 2012 version of Svasti is issued with less than a full tank of energy. And when it’s gone, there aint no more.
The only remedy is rest, calm and quiet. Eating right, sleeping a lot, doing yoga, getting acupuncture and/or kinesiology and praying like crazy for better health.
Yet… there’s been so much going on:
Finding a new job yet again and all the new job stress; dealing with the two apartments above mine being renovated for months and months on end (So. Noisy.); thinking I was going to be penniless again and then I wasn’t; organising my birthday trip to Bali (to relax, ironically!); coping with Christmas; and then looking after my mother.
On top of this, I haven’t gone back to see my expensive thyroid doctor for further tests and treatment because I didn’t have a job for a while. Now I’ve changed jobs, her offices are nowhere near where I work or live. Plus, I wasn’t entirely happy with some of her suggestions last time.
So… I’m a little bit at a loss as to what I should do next. I mean, I know I should go back to my GP and get another round of blood tests to see where things are at. But then I think I need to keep looking for the right specialist to further investigate the cause of my health problems (on top of my kinesiology sessions, of course).
And damnit, if I’m not totally anxious about getting my health back on track! I want it NOW.
Which is ridiculous. I’m also:
- Frustrated that I didn’t get to pay off all my debts by the end of 2011.
- Determined to get my debts paid off THIS year, but afraid that some other minor financial disaster will strike again. I really hope it doesn’t.
- Worried/hopeful about fitting in/coping with my new job okay. I don’t want to have to look for work again in a hurry!
- Really wanting to move to a cheaper place to live but at the same time, I’m loathe to do so.
- Wanting to write my books!
- Wanting to teach more yoga.
- Wanting more FUN and socialising in my life this year.
- Desperately missing my guru and wishing that it was possible for me to both pay off my debts this year AND travel to see him. But I really doubt it. And being debt free has to come first, so I can do all of this.
- Really, really, really wanting to date or have a guy in my life again. Really.
- Aware that I probably can’t really have all of these things, certainly not while my health is still all wonky.
So, this weekend I’m gonna do some goal setting using Kerry’s Alignment Kit.
I think its perfect timing, albeit a few days later than the first day of the new year.
But oh so necessary. So that I don’t burst.