Yes. Yes, I am.
And I need to tell you about this because trauma’s a tricky little bastard who likes to make you think he’s permanently in your life.
Let me tell you: when you’re dealing with PTSD, you think its forever. It sure feels like forever. I really DID think it would in fact, be forever.
I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.
Truly. I’ve tears of gratitude and happiness and just the most GIGANTIC sense of relief and release flowing forth from every pore of my being. Because I know this now, and I know it deeply. Irrevocably.
But it’s not like I woke up one morning with a blinding flash of realisation – THAT I AM HEALED! No one sent me a telegram or email with said announcement, either.
Yet, I am out of trauma. I really, really am.
It makes me smile the broadest smile I can manage with this face that I was born with.
Cumulatively, I know this is true. Piece by piece, as I’ve reclaimed all of the forgotten broken parts of who I am.
And instantly I know this, too. In retrospect, anyway.
Last weekend I knew this most definitely, in my kinesiology session, where my kinesiologist Amanda, said this: You’re no longer in trauma. Life and these sessions are now about what’s next instead of what has been.
She said that and I knew it to be true. And I remembered all of the sessions. My early ones with Kerry. Then the first eight or so months with Amanda. As we shone lights on all the sneaky hiding spots that trauma tried to squeeze its self into. To remain and fester. Because that’s what trauma likes to do.
But that was then. Those sessions were then. All of those years, all of that sadness and grief… it isn’t who I am anymore.
Instead, I cackle out loud like a crazy hyena. I snort and belly laugh, too.
Because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.
This, I know deep in my bones as all of those Other New Things come at me… more change, but this time of the positive ilk. My job now is to prepare. To make the right decisions for my future and… already do whatever I can to help others.
And I can do that – help others – because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.
So all of the hard won wisdom is now mine to share. And that’s what I’m in the process of doing.
I want to hand write love notes to all of the wonderful healers I’ve worked with over the years. The people who kept me afloat when I otherwise would’ve drowned. I’ve so much gratitude for all of their love and care and support.
I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma. And now it’s time for me to give it all back to those in need.