choosing healing, demarcation point, fork in the road, Grief, Healing, PTSD, Sorrow, Trauma, Wisdom
One of the truest things I know is this:
Wisdom comes at a price
It isn’t cheap or easy, and the whole getting of wisdom process itself? It sucks. Until it stops sucking, and by then the wisdom is deeply ingrained.
So much so that it doesn’t really feel like one has learned anything at all.
This was true for me. Until of course, I found myself observing the experiences of others.
It doesn’t matter how similar/dissimilar their experiences are to mine. It’s all around us, all the time: the world is in deep, deep pain. Sometimes, that pain gets tipped over into terror and agony. This is what I’m talking about.
Lately I’ve seen friends and acquaintances alike going through some heart-rendingly painful experiences. Seems to be a lot of this going around at the moment (blame the supposed end of the world perhaps – which is really just a massive energetic shift of consciousness).
These days, I find that suddenly I know what to say or do. How to help. Well, sort of.
I still have that horrible sense of helplessness, even though I know how it feels from the inside out. There’s only so much someone can do.
I really hate that.
I wish I could rip open my own soul so I can put my battle scars on display. So you really can know that I really, really do get it.
Regardless of my ability to express this, I do understand. Intimately so. And I see and feel the sorrow, trauma or grief of others and I silently weep in sadness because I not only know roughly where they’re at; I also know what’s coming.
Holy Shiva, how well I remember those first steps on the path of incomprehensible loss…
I remember trying to make sense of it all and that NOTHING made sense, no matter what.
I remember how long it took before I realised that actually, nothing WAS making sense!
It took even longer than that to realise there was truly a way out. That feeling good again was even feasible or desirable or something that could happen to me.
As awful as it is while you’re still in the bleeding-and-wounded phase of those experiences, at some stage there’s a fork in the road.
A very clearly marked demarcation point
1. Continue down the path of total and complete utter-fucked-up-ed-ness.
2. Get really sick of the path of total and complete utter-fucked-up-ed-ness and decide that enough is enough.
Of course, the first path eventually leads to the second. However, the time frame on that is different for everyone. For some people, it can take their entire life. Others pass from this world before they get there.
THAT’S how hard this shit is to get through.
The second path? Choosing that one… is just the beginning of the process of healing. Which, it should be said is an absolute bastard of a thing to do.
Because real healing requires in-depth levels of honestly – with yourself, about yourself, about how you relate to everyone else in your life. It requires real change.
Eventually, this second path leads to bone-deep wisdom. Life lessons you’ll find are applicable across all kinds of situations, times and places.
The other thing? This becomes an ongoing path for the rest of your life. Once you step onto that fork in the road, you’re wisdom-bound. Yes, you’ve paid a ridiculously high price. Yes you have.
But in choosing healing, or even in choosing being utterly fed up by feeling like crap… you’re on the path to a deep understanding of yourself, of life, of what makes being alive worthwhile. Despite all the horrors life has thrown your way.
I guess what I’m saying is that when ready, you WILL get there in the end.
But the road is long and so it really isn’t worth looking too far ahead. Way better to focus on where you’re at right now.
And keep an eye out for that fork.
~ Svasti xxx
So beautifully said! The healing process can be so horrific as to make you wonder if it is truly worth it while you are in the deepest stages. So many times i’ve wanted to just give up and stay in my “utter fucked-up-ed-ness”–I REALLY love that term!–because it seemed so much easier than continuing to dive into my own psyche and, heaven forbid, discover everything is of my own making! Who wants that??? And when you finally have this exquisite wisdom, it becomes discouraging when those you truly want to help just ignore you and keep on doing what they are doing despite the pain it is causing. And so, we keep on shining that light so that others can eventually make their way when they are ready.