Kick-ass kinesiology ftw

Tags

affirmations, Anger, bush flower essences, cheated, confession, crystals, finger-in-the-pie, Forgiveness, giggles, Kali, Kinesiology, lost years, muscle testing, rape, Shiva, spring clean, tuning forks, unstuck, Zombie

So here’s a confession for you, although not a particularly juicy one: I have no freakin’ idea how kinesiology works. I just know that it does.

Perhaps it functions as a channel to communicate directly with the body, or the higher self, our guides or even the universe. Or perhaps all of those things are really just one and the same and it doesn’t matter what you think you’re communicating with. What matters is that it gets to the heart of things. The truth. The stuff that needs to be heard and dealt with – kinesiology connects with all of that beautifully. Intuitively.

Also, by way of a secondary confession: I giggled heartily throughout of Monday’s kinesiology session, tears seeping from the corners of my eyes! I giggled at myself and at the very, ummm… finger-in-the-pie spot-on-ness of stuff that was coming up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t become hysterical in my laughter (right, Kerry?), but it was probably close.

I knew, totally KNEW without a doubt, there was more to do in my inner world. More to clear out. More to resolve. Because I want to become as functional a human being as I possibly can. I have no idea how much work there is to do still – and of course, that’s not counting any gunk I’d accumulated before the last five years. But hey, if I can even spring clean those last five years from my body, heart and mind then I’ll be an extremely happy lady…

My very first encounter with kinesiology was years back, when I worked for a chiropractor. She’d use it in practical ways to assist her chiropractic treatments, but then she also once used it to help me clear out a really bad dream (that was, if you like, related to a past life). And yep, that’s a story I haven’t written here.

I had a little more kinesiology several years after that to combat yet another traumatic dream memory – but that one was related to experiences from this life time.

Then there was a little kinesiology about four months after I was assaulted – still living in a daze, still thinking that I could wait out all of the nightmarish things that made life so unbearable… The treatments I had at that time, however, were about just getting me to a somewhat functional state. The months preceding that, I was little more than a zombie. Floating through my days, and trying not to feel. Trying to ignore the photo negative imprint of his eyes seared onto my retinas… trying to sleep my days away as obliviously as I could. Wishing for all the world that I’d just stop existing.

My kinesiologist at that point related her own horror story: being raped by someone who’d become infatuated with her. Raped at knife point, over and over. I remember being amazed that she could speak so calmly about it. It’s only been in the last year that I’ve been able to talk about my own experiences without completely losing my shit.

It was through the lovely Nadine that I learned of Kerry. I went to Kerry and Nadine’s first Unstuck workshop (which was awesome, by the way) and through the synchronicity of these experiences, I knew I’d end up going to see Kerry at some stage. I just wasn’t sure when.

Well, the ‘when‘ is right now. So turn up the heat, baby!

Monday night included much head nodding, many ‘doh’ moments, and the aforementioned hilarity. Kerry would do her thing with the muscle testing and speak words that couldn’t have been more spot on if she’d been inside my head. Lots of my ‘stuff’ was demanding to be heard and in no uncertain terms. Very blunt, it was.

We’d talked about what I wanted to do with these sessions, and Kerry wrote a series of affirmations for us to work with. I think the list went something like this:

• I trust myself
• I trust my decisions
• I trust that I’m headed in the right direction
• I find my perfect weight
• I forgive myself
• I can forgive the past

Uhhh… say WHAT?

I. Can. Forgive. The. Past?!?!?!?!

Ermmm, well not really, actually. Not right now.

I could barely get the words out of my mouth when Kerry asked me to say them. And right then I wasn’t laughing any more. In fact I was choking a little, the way I used to in therapy when working on something really difficult.

Oh. Apparently, forgiving the past wasn’t okay with me. And perhaps for the first time, I explained it out loud and in fully formed sentences…

I feel that in some really important ways, the last five years were stolen. Wasted. Despite what I’ve learned and how much I’ve grown and had to come to terms with myself, there’s a part of me that would trade ALL of that to get those years back. To be as fit and healthy as I was then. To still possess the same level of happiness and confidence. To have been in a position to date and/or be in a relationship. To have possibly met someone I wanted to have kids with.

That last one is HUGE. I’ve been grieving for those lost years.

And I love kids, really, really, really. I wanted and STILL want the opportunity to be a mother. Like a lot of women, and I know I’m far from alone in that. I’m thirty-eight, and in December I’ll be thirty-nine. While I know that some women are fortunate enough to meet their partner and have babies at this age and later, I feel… good god but I feel so ANGRY and CHEATED out of those years! Prime years, where the chances of me being able to get pregnant were better than they are now. Better than they’ll ever be again.

Those years are gone and I can not get them back. There’s nothing I can do about it. And the person I’m angry at of course, is me. Kali and Shiva help me!

And so we worked those affirmations, and a whole bunch of other stuff I probably can’t remember correctly. In addition to muscle testing, kinesiology uses some awesome tools – like bush flower essences, tuning forks, crystals (apparently I need to acquire a blue lace agate) and prayer cards (cheeky things!). And there’s a bunch of stuff associated with the results of whatever comes up and those words as I mentioned were cutting right through. No messing about!

But we weren’t done yet. There was another message for me – seems I’m not doing enough to satisfy my creativity. Apparently the blogging and the yoga teaching are good, but my body/higher self/guides/the universe wants more. Wants me to write more!

Say what?!!

Which is, y’know, terrifying. I like my little blog here, and the idea of drawing more attention to myself by getting stuff published makes my mind turn to mush. In fact, I don’t have the faintest idea how I’d go about getting published! Or what I’d write or for what sort of publications.

Kerry did suggest perhaps writing more about what I know – perhaps stuff that would’ve been helpful to me five years ago if I’d come across it… and that’s a great idea because back then, it wasn’t easy to find support groups or even websites that were specific to people in my shoes.

For now, I’m just putting it out there that I plan to make inquiries, see what I can find out and perhaps even plan a few pieces. Which still sounds scary but actually, somewhat manageable.

So Monday was AMAZING (and that’s not even counting the two calls I had about upcoming yoga teaching work!). We shifted a lot of energy and made a good start on the spring cleaning. Even if I looked and felt a little fried when we were done!

There’s more to do though, but that’s for next month…

~Svasti

P.S. ftw = for the win

It’s all about my brother

About six weeks into my kinesiology studies, a whole bunch of my “stuff” started arking up. Causing a kerfuffle.

So much so that another student and I ended up having a bit of a falling out. Unintentionally, her stuff and my stuff interacted badly.

Like an alchemist whose experiment went all ker-blewey. Just like that.

Not that either of our stuff had anything to do with each other. Of course.

At first I’d no idea what it was all about. It took two sessions with two different kinesiologists PLUS plenty of sessions at home (self-administered kinesiology), several weird physical sensations (nerve pain in your right heel, anyone?), picking up a card that read “sabotage” at the local health food store, and a score of ‘a-ha’ moments… for it all to start to come together.

Well, sort of.

I’ve done lots of talking about being assaulted and having PTSD, both here on the blog and IRL (in-real-life). I’ve had scores and scores of therapy – CBT, EMDR, Kinesiology, tarot readings, shaman healings (Bali, Thailand, India) and more. So. Much. Work.

Then there was the focus on my physical health and regaining my balance there…

It’s not like I’ve been negligent or un-thorough in my approach. I’ve worked my ass off.

Yet somehow… I’ve allowed myself be incredibly blasé about the years of abuse I experienced while growing up.

Even though I knew it wasn’t exactly a good thing. Even though I acknowledged how much it affected my self-esteem, quite bafflingly, I still never really gave those years the same weight as I did to the one-night only assault that triggered my PTSD.

That night and the ongoing effects have hogged the spotlight of my personal healing journey. Strange, huh?

And yet. I know. I REALLY know that the PTSD trigger was NOT just about that one night.

But my memory’s always been really bad. So has my younger sister’s. Neither of us have much by way of recollection of our childhood.

So I don’t really remember exactly how bad it all was or exactly what happened.

But my body and sub-conscious DO remember. And so, the more work I’ve done with kinesiology, the closer to the surface all the sibling abuse has become.

Consciously, I only know pieces of the puzzle. Not the whole story. Just that it was bad, and that I felt betrayed and unprotected by my parents. And that every story I have about myself in regards to my physical appearance, ability to be successful or powerful… has an origin in those early years of my life.

I feel like I’ve been digging up clues. I do my kinesiology homework and I see my practice ‘clients’, and I do kinesiology on myself and get sessions when I can afford them. And I’ve found this or that piece of the puzzle. I know there’s probably more, but I honestly can’t remember.

I know from testing on myself that it started around the age of seven. I also now know that there’s some kind of sabotage surrounding a repressed memory from the age of twelve.

All to do with my brother being an angry, violent and abusive person towards me for over ten years of my life.

Tomorrow morning I go to see my kinesiologist. Thank goodness.

This week I’ve been feeling all super-sensitive and weird. I’ve spent a lot of time curled up on the couch. Last night I felt as though my flesh would vibrate right off of my bones, and today I’ve been surprisingly hungry.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s session will tell me. I just know that I’m reaching in to the main bedrock issue that underpins every life-story I have, of what it means to be me. Or what I think it means, anyway.

And I feel as though someone’s unleashed a wild horse in my chest. With all the hoof stamping, nostril flaring, tail swishing and neighing going on, it’s hard to get any rest around here.

I’m terrified. I’m excited.

I’m onto something big.

And I’ll keep you posted.

~ Svasti

The work continues

Tags

Healing, hot water, India, Kinesiology, kinesiology school, standing on one leg, wobble

My Naga Baba friend, Boom Boom. He says hi!

So I’m back from India. Been back a couple of months, actually…

My Indian adventures are still in the process of being written up – some are finished already – but there’s heaps more to come!

I don’t mind telling you that India threw me for a loop. Or perhaps, several endless loops. Basically, it did my head in so much that I haven’t had, or been interested in a full-time job since I returned home.

I’ve this feeling though, that my being thrown for a loop is less about the concrete experiences I had in India, than the intangible ones… the living and breathing the same air as millions upon millions of others (India’s population will overtake China’s by 2028), and being hip-deep in a culture and a place that’s marinated in spiritual discourse for so long that it’s kind of invisible to the general masses.

There’s so much to unpack in my body, mind and spirit about my travels, in addition to my actual personal adventures. And there were so many of those!

I honestly don’t think I can see my whole trip clearly just yet!

But here’s a thing that happened when I got back, and once I was mostly over my Farewell From Ma India Super Duper Evil Illness From The Depths Of Hell (ohmygawdseriously!):

Are you ready for this?

*****drum roll*****

I enrolled in kinesiology school!

I know, right? Who’d a thunk it?

Well, I did. Obviously. I’ve been getting kinesiology (and writing about it) for years now.

It’s been one of the most powerful contributors in my healing process, without a doubt. I tell everyone to go and get kinesiology!

But studying kinesiology myself!! It was one of those ideas that wasn’t obvious until it was already hitting me upside the head with a hardback dictionary.

Svasti! Go get yourself into kinesiology school! Since you love kinesiology so much, you might as well marry it!

Yep, that’s kind of how the thought process went once I was paying attention (hahaha, remember saying things like that as a kid?).

My plan was: go to India and then enroll in kinesiology school when I got home.

I was however, expecting a start date of around June or July and got the surprise of my life when I learned the next course was starting on that Saturday (I called up on the Tuesday); a mere three weeks after my plane touched down.

HOLY SHIVA!

It felt like the stars were aligning. I’d my interview with the principal on the Wednesday and then three days later: I was a student once more.

AND studying something I’m so ding-dang excited about that my entire face (lips, nose and cheeks) literally tingled all of that first weekend. 🙂

The basic qualification for kinesiology is the Certificate IV which finishes in December, and if I choose to I can start working as a kinesiologist when I graduate. Squeeeee!

Then there’s the Diploma (another 1.5 years!!) and my intention at this stage is to enroll in that next year. There’s a further Advanced Diploma I can do and I guess I’ll just have to see how I feel about that at the end of the Diploma.

So far, so good though. Three months on, I’m still loving the studies. A lot. We’re almost half-way through, or we will be after the end of our next study weekend.

BUT… it’s one of those learning environments that’s all about doing the work for yourself, first and foremost.

Kinesiology school is very much a pressure cooker for your “stuff”, and let’s just say I’m currently in a bit of hot water!

So let me tell you a story that’s really a bit of an analogy.

Do you remember when I tore my calf muscle and then re-tore it? Through slow and careful rehab (lots of massage and very gentle yoga), it got better. As did my debilitating autoimmune condition. But it was freakin’ hard work and I had to be super kind and considerate of myself. Which was more challenging than it should’ve been.

But it got mostly better. If I didn’t spend so much time standing on one leg doing balance poses in yoga, I’d never have noticed the slight but distinct wobble my right leg retained despite all the therapy.

That wobble has frustrated me VERY MUCH.

Of course, those who don’t spend much time doing one-legged standing poses would never see that wobble, right?

And that’s kind of what I’m talking about here, except with emotional healing.

Late last year when I was thinking about enrolling in kinesiology school, I asked my two lovely kinesiologists what they thought. I guess what I wanted to know was… had I done enough work? Was I ready for learning to be a kinesiologist myself?

Both those lovely ladies encouraged me, and so I felt confident. And I’ve done SO. MUCH. WORK. For so many years. A huge chunk of that work is documented in all the words I’ve written here.

So I knew I was pretty darn functional and healed and whole once more. Which is awesome, and I want to share those gifts of healing with others. 😀

But going to kinesiology school is the difference between being the person who doesn’t spend much time standing on one leg, and being someone who does.

Suddenly, I noticed there was a “wobble” in my emotional world again. And funnily enough, it was connected to the physical wobble in my right leg. I’m being 100% serious!

And guess what? Now that I’m dealing with that hidden emotional stuff, my right leg wobble is no more. Kinesiology rocks!

And so the work continues. It always does though, doesn’t it? When we’re really honest with ourselves?

I’m being VERY courageous as I work through it, and this time I’m surrounded by a bunch of very caring and supportive people – the teachers and fellow students at my kinesiology school. It makes a hell of a difference.

I’ll share a bit more of what’s been coming up real soon, right here on this blog.

Because this is/always has been a safe place for all of my heaviest “stuff”, and this is some of the heaviest stuff I have.

Thanks as always, for being the small but caring group of readers that still visits this place. Even though I don’t know you all personally, your support is invaluable.

More soon!

~ Svasti x

Two Words Project: 2012 summary

Tags

Acceptance, empathic, gluten, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Healing, healthy boundaries, highly sensitive person, I Quit Sugar, Metagenics detox, self-acceptance, self-love, two words project

As previously mentioned, 2012 was a ker-racker of a year for me. In part, this is thanks to the wonderful Two Words Project.

I’m not entirely sure how it works, but mindfully choosing two words for your year’s intentions is a VERY powerful activity. It seemingly sets a very clear agenda of possibility… the kind of possibility that makes your toes tingle (and not because you’re wearing too-tight shoes).

Those Two Words, once liberated from your subconscious mind (or wherever they reside), become alive. They resonate in your body and mind, working on your behalf even when you don’t think you’re paying attention.

Which is quite handy really.

Most of my Two Words-related changes have been subtle and were probably invisible to others. Slow changes, the way Sarah Wilson describes them with her Titanic Theory.

The changes are primarily in the way my thoughts have presented themselves to me, in light of my two words for 2012: Healing and Acceptance.

Healing

Well… [pun unintended!].

I’m not exaggerating when I say that in 2012 I spent an all-mighty small fortune on my health. I definitely exceeded the minimum spend on health-related stuff that gets you a tax break (hooray?). I know, coz it’s all typed up neatly in an Excel spreadsheet.

Coz here’s what I did: I made healing myself my #1 priority and did whatever it took in order to make it happen.

Mostly this meant favouring doctor and naturopath appointments, supplements, acupuncture and massage treatments over almost anything else in my budget. I did a heck load of research and made it my business to be firmly in the driver’s seat when it came to my health.

Then, in early January? I got my latest round of blood tests back from the doctor. I’m still finding it hard to believe, but check it out…

That’s right, biatches!

Almost all my results are now in the normal range.

Admittedly, my thyroid hormones (T3, T4, TSH) stabilised in mid-2012, as you can see from the August results (which are almost exactly the same as the January results!).

There’s still a little work to do with my TSH levels, but not much! The big change however, is my antibody levels…

THEY ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY NORMAL!

Remembering of course, that antibodies are the horned devils that destroy one’s thyroid gland over time, if left unchecked. So its super-important to have them under control!!

You would not believe the happy dances I’ve been doing since I got these results!

Of course, this doesn’t mean I can entirely relax. An autoimmune disorder is a life-long thing, and I’ll always need to monitor my health to make sure I don’t slip backwards.

But I’m now much stronger, have more energy and feel more like myself again than I did for most of last year.

AND MY BLOOD TESTS ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY NORMAL AS IF I WAS NEVER SICK.

*WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

What helped me get to this point, you ask?

• Last November I quit sugar, and since then I’ve lost over 12kg (26 pounds) where for the last few years I haven’t been able to lose any weight at all (a wonderful Hashimoto’s symptom!). AND this was achieved without starving myself or exercising excessively, either. These days, I rarely crave anything sweet and when I do, I can satisfy that urge with non-sugary foods.
• I quit gluten too. This one was harder, but it was only recently that I realised even having a little bit (like say… eating a croissant!) REALLY affects the quality of my mind (e.g. brain fog vs no brain fog).
• I completed a couple of medical-grade Metagenics detox programs and every day I take a number of high quality supplements (mostly Metagenics). These have made a huge difference. The next phase is to look at how I can derive what I’m getting from the supplements from my natural food intake.
  Even though this article is about healing from MS, it’s still relevant to what I’m doing. Basically? We can and should be getting all the nutrients we need from our food.
• Also? I’ve done epic amounts of research on food, the digestive and immune systems and so on. All to learn more about how Hashimoto’s isn’t really a thyroid condition (the thyroid is affected by other system dysfunctions in the body) and that to heal it, you actually have to heal the rest of you first.
• Especially the digestive system/gut health (aka leaky gut syndrome). Most people in fact, could do with paying more attention to their gut health BEFORE they get sick. My key learning is that most chronic health problems are rooted in digestive health issues!
• I’ve learned more about what it is to be a Highly Sensitive Person (I’ve read the book, too). Good health, you see, is more than feeling well on a physical level. It’s all about getting to know yourself and discovering your own particular needs in relation to the world. And? HSP’s actually have different biochemistry to non-HSP’s.

Acceptance

The changes wrought by having Acceptance as one of my Two Words are more challenging to quantify.

I’ve written a lot about it, of course. You could say this entire blog is all about the process of self-acceptance!

There’s been a lot of inner work going on, especially during my kinesiology appointments, which I’ve been having every 6-8 weeks all year. The beauty of kinesiology is that the changes it brings, persist. Grow, even. Unfold ever-after.

But what’ve I done this year around acceptance? Especially the self-acceptance kind of acceptance? For me, this is how it’s looked on a daily basis…

It is all about generating self-love, which means stuff like this:

• Examining my patterns around what kind of love I’m willing to accept.
• Being real with the idea that I might not get to have kids.
• I’ve learned that my destiny is to become a healer: knowing who you are and where you’re going is incredibly empowering!
• Listening closely to what I really need on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.
• Checking in with myself. If I’ve changed my mind about something, paying attention so I can do what I should be doing instead! Too often, I’ll let things be as they are instead of changing direction to where I should be going.
• Getting to bed early enough. I’m still a little patchy on this one but hey… I’ll be working on it more this year. More sleep is always required.
• Eating foods that are nourishing and full of goodness (e.g. organic meat/veg and LOTS of green foods!!). Cooking – more than one friend in recent times has complimented me on my cooking, which consists of very simple but tasty ingredients.
• Respecting my need for self-expression and being creative, and partaking in creative pursuits as often as I can. Writing. Teaching. Yoga. Singing. Dancing. Yup.
• Developing healthy personal boundaries. I’m often way too agreeable for my own good, and in the past I’ve let people get away with things that I really shouldn’t. In terms of how they act around and towards me. Not any more, though. This can come across as being disagreeable or unfriendly. But it’s absolutely necessary in order to take care of myself.
• Developing stronger energetic boundaries, too. I’m yet to work out the day-to-day benefits of being highly empathic (not the same word as empathetic!), which means that without realising it I take on other people’s emotional states/feelings and even physical pain. But I’m getting much better at noticing this now, and I’m working on patching up my energy field.

My teacher likes to say that you can’t save anyone else until you can save yourself. Since I’m fond of metaphors, this is like saying there’s no point in saving people from a sinking ship if you’ve got leaks in your own hull.

I think like most people, my self-acceptance work is ongoing. But the key is to have self-acceptance as part of your make up in the first place. As long as you keep paying attention to it (sub-consciously or not), you’re gonna be doing yourself and other people a good turn.

~ Svasti

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Tags

Depression, Enter your zip code here, Healing, I Am Out Of Trauma, Kinesiology, PTSD, Trauma

Yes. Yes, I am.

And I need to tell you about this because trauma’s a tricky little bastard who likes to make you think he’s permanently in your life.

Let me tell you: when you’re dealing with PTSD, you think its forever. It sure feels like forever. I really DID think it would in fact, be forever.

And yet.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Truly. I’ve tears of gratitude and happiness and just the most GIGANTIC sense of relief and release flowing forth from every pore of my being. Because I know this now, and I know it deeply. Irrevocably.

But it’s not like I woke up one morning with a blinding flash of realisation – THAT I AM HEALED! No one sent me a telegram or email with said announcement, either.

Yet, I am out of trauma. I really, really am.

It makes me smile the broadest smile I can manage with this face that I was born with.

Cumulatively, I know this is true. Piece by piece, as I’ve reclaimed all of the forgotten broken parts of who I am.

And instantly I know this, too. In retrospect, anyway.

Last weekend I knew this most definitely, in my kinesiology session, where my kinesiologist Amanda, said this: You’re no longer in trauma. Life and these sessions are now about what’s next instead of what has been.

She said that and I knew it to be true. And I remembered all of the sessions. My early ones with Kerry. Then the first eight or so months with Amanda. As we shone lights on all the sneaky hiding spots that trauma tried to squeeze its self into. To remain and fester. Because that’s what trauma likes to do.

But that was then. Those sessions were then. All of those years, all of that sadness and grief… it isn’t who I am anymore.

Instead, I cackle out loud like a crazy hyena. I snort and belly laugh, too.

Because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

This, I know deep in my bones as all of those Other New Things come at me… more change, but this time of the positive ilk. My job now is to prepare. To make the right decisions for my future and… already do whatever I can to help others.

And I can do that – help others – because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

So all of the hard won wisdom is now mine to share. And that’s what I’m in the process of doing.

I want to hand write love notes to all of the wonderful healers I’ve worked with over the years. The people who kept me afloat when I otherwise would’ve drowned. I’ve so much gratitude for all of their love and care and support.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma. And now it’s time for me to give it all back to those in need.

~Svasti
xxx

Two Words Project: 6 months of Acceptance & Healing

Tags

Acceptance, autoimmune conditions, boundaries, Hashimoto's, Healing, inappropriate men, Kinesiology, old patterns, two words project

Six months into the Two Words Project, and here’s where I’m at…

The last few weeks have been stressful. Soooo busy at work with my boss away and in this job (where I LOVE the people and the place), I’ve been given more responsibilities than I initially signed on for. Which is exciting, but it does mean learning new skills. Stuff I don’t have down pat. Stuff that means I’m not 100% brilliant at my job right now, while I undergo this new learning curve.

I can’t tell you how much I hate not being 100% brilliant at my job.

So it’s been busy and crazy and with my boss away, a bit of a strain. Because I’m one of those people who looks around and if I see something that needs doing and when there’s no one to do that task, I’ll try to fill the gap.

None of this is good for my health, as you might imagine. Stress is debilitating for folks with autoimmune conditions. It causes physical pain, and a resurgence of symptoms. For example, my memory gets even fuzzier than normal, and my throat tightens up. I get a bit mopey and exhausted.

What I’m beginning to realise however, is that these new circumstances in my job are shining a light on old patterns that’ve been around for a really long time.

As sucky as facing up to old patterns can be, I keep telling myself: this is all a part of the healing process.

My life is currently more balanced than ever. So I figure I now have the capacity to face up to other issues, whereas in the past there wasn’t space to deal with anything other than healing my body and mind. But now I’ve done enough work to stabilise my life, there’s room to look at other issues that are holding me back. So here they come!

Luckily, I had a kinesiology session booked for this weekend. Perfect timing as always, to help me clarify some of this stuff.

Here’s what I’m looking at right now:

I tend to put my own needs at the very bottom of the pile, underneath everyone else’s

This is an oldie but a goodie, and very common for women. It’s a people pleasing thing that goes hand in hand with my (previously out of control) poor-self esteem. I’ve mostly healed my self-esteem issues now, but this whole thing of not speaking up for what I need is still kicking around. And kicking my ass.

The reality is, I can’t afford to let this pattern remain active anymore. My health can’t take it, so like everything else that’s bringing my health down, it has to go.

Building appropriate boundaries for myself that allow me to take care of my own needs while interacting with others

So, there needs to be a balance between being of service to other people and doing the same thing for myself. I now have very specific health needs and if I don’t take care of them appropriately, I fall over in a heap.

And if I can’t take care of myself, then I can’t help anyone else, either. One of my lovely yoga teachers likes to say: teach from a place of abundance, never from a place of lack.

I’m actually pretty good at taking care of myself now, until other people come into the picture (see previous point!).

Until recently, I would always dropped whatever it is I was doing for myself in order to fulfil the needs of others. This can be seen as being over-helpful, and also it just isn’t balanced.

Plus, this isn’t what I teach as a yoga practitioner and teacher. So once again, I find myself drawing on the wisdom of yoga to bring into my life.

If you don’t have appropriate boundaries and awareness when doing yoga, you can hurt yourself. If you try too hard, you can hurt yourself. The teachings of the middle way are what I’m reminding myself of here:

Put in effort, but NOT too much effort. Work at a moderate pace. Don’t strain or force. Enjoy.

Men: this is pretty much my Achilles heel

In all the work I’ve done to recover from PTSD, this issue is one I’ve dodged since the beginning.

For many years after I was assaulted, I had no interest in men at all. NONE. I was completely shut down in that respect. Then I started feeling less shut down. But there were (and are) some big fat issues in the way: betrayal; physical/emotional intimacy; trusting myself; trusting men; feeling powerless; being unable to open up…

Those are the general themes. I think I’m now in a stable enough space to consider the idea of dating men, BUT, there’s still lots of fear swirling around.

See, I’ve been out of the dating game for so long that I feel like an awkward teenager. Around men I’m attracted to, my carefully re-established self-esteem goes up in smoke.

The irrational fear-voice in my mind says things like: I’m too old for men to be attracted to me; he’s gorgeous so why would he be interested in me; is he flirting with me? I can’t even tell; what if he DOES like me – I’d have to be vulnerable (and that’s insane); it’s probably safest to assume he isn’t into me… and so on.

Of course, this has come up because there’s a guy that I’m RIDICULOUSLY attracted to at the moment. Well, on a physical level anyway. It’s both uncontrollable and undeniable (believe me, I’ve tried to quell it!).

However, I really don’t think we’re compatible in other ways, and I suspect that this is my old pattern of being attracted to men who are wrong for me. Which is all about choosing men I can’t ever really be close to, as a way to keep myself safe (ha!). This is the very same pattern by the way, that once upon a time allowed me to invite a sociopath into my home… (not that I think the guy I’m now attracted to is a sociopath!)

Unfortunately, knowing such things hasn’t stopped this rampant attraction from growing like wildfire. I’m pretty sure it’s only one-way, too. He is someone I have to interact with on a regular basis (at work), and he’s very demanding in his dealings with me. So also: hello, boundary issues!

That’s right – my current work situation is a triple threat of my old patterns coming up to bite me. Hard.

But out of my kinesiology session, it became clear that perhaps this has come up to help me close out the these lessons: being able to have my needs met; setting appropriate boundaries; not being attracted to inappropriate men.

Which helps me put the whole thing in a new light.

This guy that I’m wildly attracted to? He isn’t here to tempt me, but to teach me.

And that’s a lesson I’m willing to accept. 😉

~Svasti

P.S. Don’t forget my Yoga Nidra give-away! It’s open until Friday 15^th June – spread the word!

Fifty shades of good times

Tags

cycles of transformation, Energy, falling in love, Happiness, Health, inky silver highway of the universe, joy, jumping beans, moon glow, self-love, vitality

Of course there’s that old saying – and it’s apparently true – that the Sami people (NOT the Inuit, mind) have a vast array of words to describe snow.

Recently a certain reader of this blog (who never actually comments here and yet somehow, over the interwebs we’ve managed to strike up a friendship); wondered via IM, if my life must be going pretty well right now since I’m not blogging that much.

So I’ve been thinking about that idea that we only tend to write when things are not going well, or that we write less when we’re happy and life is great… I mean, when life is crappy, there’s a lot of material to work with, right? And when we’re happy, we’re happy. We tend to stop looking so hard when we’re in the zone of blissfulness. Right? Hmmmm…

I guess so. There’s a lot of anecdotal evidence to suggest this could be a real phenomena. But I don’t think that that’s what’s going on for me.

Don’t get me wrong. Life at the moment is stupendously good. So good I’ve started wondering if I’m a little bit crazy because who the hell feels THIS good on a regular basis? Ha!

Instead, it’s more that I’ve been going through endless cycles of transformation. My health. My yoga practice. My yoga teaching. My work. It’s this whole thing of coming back into my own power (as cheesy as it sounds, right?).

A whole new set of mantras for me: Power. Health. Vitality. Energy. Happiness. Joy.

I’ve got that feeling you get (yep, I still remember even though it’s been an aeon so it seems) when you first fall in love. That rush of hormones and the way the world looks extra-bright-and-shiny. Nothing’s too much trouble. Life is just rocking-ly good in every possible way.

It’s like I’m getting to know happiness, as you would someone you’re dating. My own happiness – generated by my experiences in the world instead of being brought on by the close proximity of someone I’m dating (because readers of this blog know that I’m still 100% date-free, sadly).

And like the aforementioned snow, I’m finding that there are many shades of happiness to be discovered.

Like… pleasure to be alive that closely resembles a hive of jumping beans living just under my skin, grooving to the rhythm of their own funky tunes.

Or the way the moon glows and sends special secret just-for-you winks as it glints in the inky silver highway of the universe.

And how things I already enjoy that usually make me happy in that run-of-the-mill contented puppy kind of way (yoga, kirtan, being in nature, hanging with niece-lings etc)? Yeah, well now those things bring on all kinds of crazy highs.

I walk a little straighter. More and more, people stop me in the street to ask for directions as though I’ve got an “Ask For Help Here” neon sign blinking over my head. Strangers compliment my smile and I can’t remember the last time that happened before now.

Or this: one of my regular yoga students (someone I’ve felt a little connected to for a while now) suggesting we have lunch together and then refusing to let me pay. She made my head spin with compliments on my yoga teaching (I’m still such a newbie teacher you see) and tells me I’ve helped her so very, very much. We agree to hang out again some time.

I find myself asking: who is this person with all of this good stuff going on? She doesn’t resemble the reflection I’ve seen in the mirror for the past few years very much. In fact, my current reflection doesn’t resemble that old image of me at all…

This. This much happiness.

It’s crazy. As if I’ve fallen in love.

And perhaps I have. Only this time, it’s got nothing to do with the glory of some tall, dark ‘n’ handsome hottie admiring my many fine qualities. Or endless make out sessions that make a girl flush with glee. Or all the rest. You know.

What’ve I got instead?

Well, there aint no one else around to fall in love with except my own self.

Seems that 2012 is the year for developing a bit of self-love, eh?

Just ask Kerry or Nadine who are all up in the self-love business, too.

It’s good stuff people, I tell ya!

~Svasti

Two Words check in: January – March

Tags

Acceptance, Cycle of Crazy, Hashimoto's, Healing, own it, self-acceptance, self-love

Like Nadine, I’ve been awfully silent in my writing of late. It hasn’t worried me overly since there’s been so much going on. I’ve barely stopped spinning long enough to think about writing.

But Nadine’s post prompted me to write a little more here. It is March already. Wait, it’s almost April!

And I’ve committed to my Two Words for 2012: Healing and Acceptance.

So how am I going?

Pretty amazingly, really.

As I mentioned, I’ve found a Naturopathic Doctor who really gets where I’m coming from and has a deep understanding of Hashimoto’s. I kind of have a girl crush on her.

Right now, I’m entering week five of a six week cleanse process (gut/kidneys/liver) and that, combined with giving up sugar, ongoing kinesiology and being put onto better quality supplements is really starting to transform my health.

I know I’ve got a ways to go yet, but already I feel much less fragile. Brighter. Less fuzzy ‘round the edges/dragged down underwater (such are the joys of Hashimoto’s).

While I still have to keep tabs on my energy levels, I’m able to do more and cope with stress better. More like a normal person.

I’m also finding that I’m less reliant on some of the supplements I’ve been taking to stop myself from toppling over. In fact, last week I ran out of one bottle part of the way through the week. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get any straight away, and previously this would’ve sent me in to a panic. But now, not so much…

With my ND’s support, I’ve halved my thyroid medication, too. She even thinks there’s a good chance I can get off the medication all together!

I still might need more rest than other people, but I’m So Much Better. I can’t really explain what that feels like.

And then, one can also look at the word “Healing” and directly equate it with “Acceptance” and all that it entails…

This is a little harder to quantify: acceptance is more about feeling and inner work than anything else.

But eventually it shows on the outside, too. In how I perceive myself and how others respond to that self-perception.

As I’ve indicated before, there are a lot of things I have to learn to accept in order to be able to own Acceptance.

Like, OWN IT BIATCH.

I’m far from alone, of course. Wanting what we don’t have in every which way (physically, personally, financially, emotionally etc etc), self-loathing, poor-to-no self-esteem, emotional wounds that never got the proper care they needed to heal.

All of this stuff causes critical death blows to self-acceptance.

Being totally down with who we are.

Just us as perfectly okay, the way we are.

This is of course, all a part of the dualistic nature of the world; the illusion of separateness that is the root cause of the human condition of suffering. Which is a nice philosophical way to talk about it.

But in reality, for most people in this world this means a lifetime of feeling like they aren’t good enough. That they aren’t loveable or desirable. That they’ll never really be happy, even if they’re surrounded by all kinds of goodness. Grass is always greener and all of that.

As I said, I’m not alone. Everyone has their story and as clichéd as it sounds, working out how to love and make friends with yourself (the way you would with anyone else!) is the only way out of the Cycle of Crazy that is self-loathing.

And I’m not talking about the pseudo-acceptance of denial and pretend. I’ve been there, and it doesn’t work.

The only way to really get self-acceptance is to stop lying to yourself.

It’s a starting point, anyway.

Much of the work I’ve done to heal myself from PTSD has been about just that – brutal self-honesty and understanding. But there were still small pockets of self-loathing I was able to hold onto.

Specifically around my physical appearance and lovability.

Recently, a good friend asked me to explain my spiritual beliefs. My response was circuitous and long-winded, because I had to explain the difference between western-logic thinking and yogic thinking; which IS circuitous and contains ideas that sometimes contradict themselves (on purpose and gleefully so). I also had to explain that for me, it’s not so much about what I believe, as what I experience first-hand…

Which led to a conversation about all the things I’ve learned since being assaulted and how that incident really has led to real (and positive) change in how I see myself.

Which is when I realised that yeah, I’m on my way to self-acceptance.

I’m well on the way…

For example.

One of my little post-class rituals I hold for my yoga students is as follows: once we’ve finished our closing chants I ask them to keep their eyes closed/lowered and take a moment to honor themselves for coming along to yoga. I say – if the mood takes you, give yourself a great big smirk. Keep it internal if you like or let it spread to your face. Coming to yoga, I tell them, is an act of caring for your body and mind.

The more I tell myself and my students this, the more concrete this idea becomes.

~ Svasti

Change is a funny thing

Tags

Acceptance, autoimmune disorder, Change, control, deep gorges, Freedom, Hashimoto's, Healing, hidden crevices, Kinesiology, personal power, PTSD, tools, traumatic memories, wherewithal

Often we don’t get that change is happening until it’s already here. The birth of change can be troubling, right? Because sometimes we get a little stuck. But ultimately, change has already happened by the time it registers in our brains and what we actually need to do is accept that our reality is different now.

Of course, reality is changing from moment to moment anyway. But when it changes A LOT in a short space of time; when the process is sped up or jam-packed or just significantly different than our current concept of life… that’s when the proverbial hits the fan, yeah?

So all I know is that mid-November, I had an inkling that things were Different. I mean, I had a pretty major hair cut, which is something women do when they’re acknowledging change on some level.

And when I say major, for the first time in 10-15 years, I significantly changed my hair style. Are you hearing me? I’ve more or less had the same hairstyle forever. And as I sat there in the hairdresser’s chair peering at myself in the mirror, these words rose up: Can you chop it off and make it look good? I want it to be a LOT shorter.

Immediately afterwards, I loved it. The girl who’s always had hair at least 3-4 inches past her shoulders now had neck-grazing hair length. It wasn’t short-short, but it was short enough. And to quote a friend: choppy and swishy and good.

But I didn’t really get it then. I was still caught up in the oh-my-goddess-will-I-get-a-new-job-soon momentum, avoiding (for a little while) my health, and planning for my trip to Bali while wondering if I could really afford it. Funnily enough, everything panned out.

I landed a job I love (and still do); I quit sugar – which has had a major impact on my health; my Bali trip was awesome AND due to the speed with which a new job turned up, it wasn’t a financial strain. I found a new and wonderful naturopath and we’re on EXACTLY the same page in terms of treating my health; and, my yoga practice and teaching are going from strength to strength.

Life is getting… better. At the start of this year I was desperately afraid that it wouldn’t. But so far, setting my intentions for Healing and Acceptance has been crazy-powerful. Consequently, there’s all sorts of healing and acceptance going on without my having to put too much effort into it. Or so it seems.

Yet, I was still afraid that all of this good stuff wouldn’t/couldn’t last. That at some point, it was all going to go away again and/or fall apart. Weirdly, I was carrying this around as anxiety that wouldn’t quit. Kinda silly, huh?

Then, last Saturday brought with it another major milestone.

In late 2010, I started having regular kinesiology sessions when I realised I was still struggling with PTSD in some ways. Sure, I wasn’t a complete mess like I had been. But I couldn’t talk about it freely without falling apart. Even though I was once again a functional human being, I wasn’t really okay. Not in my heart of hearts, and it was compromising my ability to move forward in life.

Every single one of my kinesiology sessions delved into the past, purging some other aspect of trauma from my body and mind. I can only liken it to wringing a towel dry – you’ve gotta keep it up til you get all the moisture out… Sometimes dealing with the past was just about being assaulted, but more often than not it also included other traumas from my past.

Because, if you face up to real healing you have to face up to all of your un-dealt with stuff. All of it. It is VERY hard work.

THEN…

For the very first time last Saturday, I had a kinesiology session in which the past didn’t come up at all. Not once.

Instead, we were dealing with this transition time between what has been, where I’m at and what will be.

I can’t tell you how weird that was. There’s been so many false starts where I thought I was “healed”. Most of it was wishful thinking, however: I wanted to be better but I hadn’t really faced up to the whole truth.

Now I have.

Of course, I’m not saying that I’m 100% sure I’ve dealt with everything that needs dealing with. I mean, can anything ever be 100%?

However, for the first time since late 2005, there are no painful shackles imprisoning me to traumatic memories. I’m no longer just a small shift away from tears and falling apart. I’ve inhabited and owned those experiences instead of dissociating from them.

It’s such a powerful feeling because I’m in control. And free!

These are two things that trauma survivors can’t relate to very easily. For example, being assaulted wasn’t something I had any control over. Neither were the years where I didn’t know I had PTSD, or the flashbacks, anxiety, or depression. I didn’t have the tools or emotional wherewithal to do much about it for many years. I also didn’t have much control over the crash-landing of my adrenal system, resulting in an auto-immune condition.

But now I do have tools, control and wherewithal. I’m physically, emotionally and mentally stronger than ever. However, to become strong I had to expose my weaknesses.

So now you can’t even unintentionally hurt me by talking about assault or PTSD. You can’t accidentally kick over my carefully constructed defences and expose my raw underbelly: my wounds – deep gorges and hidden crevices that they were – have healed properly this time with all infections excised and treated.

Managing my health will be an ongoing balancing act for the rest of my life. But, I know what helps and what hurts. And I’ll do everything in my power to minimise the impact of Hashimoto’s on my body and mind.

Yep, I’ve only just noticed that all of this change – in the form of renewed and strengthened personal power – has arrived.

But then, I got my hair cut again last Friday. Even shorter than last time. Yep.

~ Svasti

Review: Two words for a powerful year workshop

Tags

2012, goals, Nadine Fawell, New Year's resolutions, Plans, resolutions, Yoga, yoga workshop

Well, says Nadine (aka The Divine Ms N) almost doubtfully, I hope you got something out of today.

As much as she claims to be the Queen of Unsubtlety, here’s this beautiful yogi with her mellifluous South African accent, sounding unsure of the magic she’s just enabled for a room full of women.

*Ahem* DID I get something out of Nadine’s workshop? Errrmmmm… f#ck yes I did!

The premise was to find two words to set your intentions for the year, instead of making a mountain of resolutions or intentions.

The idea was that we’d work it out via a bit of story-telling, laughter, inappropriate jokes, and a process of self-inquiry Nadine had written down in a workbook for everyone. This was to be interspersed with a bit of yoga, food and relaxation and eventually, we’d all find the words that would sing out to us.

Words that represented how we want 2012 to go: things we need, want or are challenged by.

To be honest, I signed up for this workshop when I was still in the Land of Overwhelm.

I’ve been a wee bit terrified of the coming year – will it be another round of physical, mental, emotional or financial disaster? The worry about such things was the cause of much unexpressed anxiety.

So I signed up thinking fark, I’d better get as much help as I can for myself in starting things off right and bloody well hope and pray it all turns out… better. Better than the last six years in every way.

I am ready for better. Very ready.

Even though Nadine had emailed us earlier in the week with some question prompts, I really hadn’t thought about what my words might be.

But funnily enough, as we got started with our first session of yoga one of my words just… *POPPED* into my mind. Okay, cool.

It makes perfect sense for me, yes?

I’d still no idea what the other one would be, however.

We then started talking with each other, reading our workbooks and writing, just to get the thought processes moving (I’d bought my extra-shiny glitter gel pens to inspire me!).

Nadine started passing around some food (stating that she can’t concentrate if she’s hungry!), and we all either kept the word brainstorming going and/or tucked in to the nibbles – whatever worked for each of us.

A bit of tea, a few nuts and muffins (although no muffins for me!), some chatting with other participants and I still didn’t have my second word.

Until I did.

Just by… I don’t know, standing there and listening to other people talk. Suddenly it was glaringly apparent and I was hot-footing it back to my yoga mat, attempting to write down that darn word – because until then I simply hadn’t written anything like it in my workbook!

Which I didn’t do without some serious face-pulling, like I’d been eating too many lemons!

Whoah. I REALLY didn’t want to have to face that one but there it was, staring me in the face.

Acceptance.

GAH! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT MIGHT MEAN??!!

The last thing I thought I wanted was to work on accepting myself, my life and where I’m at but apparently that’s what I need this year. I mean, can’t we put that shizz off til much later? Next life, perhaps? 😉

But… too late. Like the ringing of a bell, it was blatantly clear that like it or not, for me 2012 is the year to get into some acceptance (grumble grumble bloody bloomin’ heck!).

Once everyone had their word(s), next up was investigating exactly what those words might mean for us.

Here’s a short summary of mine:

Healing

• Getting my thyroid and body back into balance.
• Regaining normal iron levels and other blood work tests.
• Hopefully being able to get off thyroid medication and manage my health by diet and yoga/kinesiology/acupuncture alone.
• Finding the right doctor/naturopath to help me achieve these goals.
• Continuing my kinesiology sessions.
• Getting enough sleep, eating the right foods and staying away from the wrong foods.
• Feeling full of energy once again.
• Finding my ideal body weight.
• And… when I’m ready, being able to remove the impenetrable protective bubble that still surrounds my heart. To truly let love in once again.

Acceptance

• Being honest with myself about ALL the things I don’t accept about myself right now.
• Finding ways to accept the things I currently reject: physical appearance; what I’ve been through; what I think I’ve “missed out on” as a result of having PTSD; the things I want in my life that I don’t have; parts of my personality I don’t like; my current lifestyle; not living/doing the things I really want to be doing; my health…
• Understanding that acceptance of all of these things isn’t about giving up. Rather, it’s about not wasting energy fighting things I can’t change.
• Embracing self-love in all aspects of my life, and being happy and joyful within myself!

Nadine asked us to think of a yoga pose(s) that embodies the essence of our words for us, and then wove them into our second yoga session.

Interestingly, there were a LOT of mentions of warrior and tree pose, as a many people had words like balance, stability and openness.

The intention of the second yoga session was to seal the words we’d each chosen into our bodies and minds.

We began with a simple meditation on our words, inhaling and exhaling them like a mantra. Playing around with which word felt right for the inhale and which for the exhale [inhale: Healing / exhale: Acceptance].

This time the practice was a little stronger than our first session, and we carried our words with us as we moved and breathed.

How do your words feel with this pose, asked Nadine, as she left us in each pose for a while to ponder.

Finally, we finished with another meditation. Allowing our words to steep and settle in to the sub-conscious and anywhere else they’re needed.

Like all Nadine events, there was lots of laughter and light-heartedness. But ultimately, it was an elegant and thoughtful process of getting to the Stuff That Matters for each person.

That’s most definitely what happened for me!

So yes, Nadine. I got PLENTY out of your sweet little workshop. And it’s something I think you should run on a yearly basis because I’m sure there are lots of folks out there who’d love to learn this simple but powerful method of organising oneself for the coming year.

~Svasti xo

P.S. You can read Nadine’s two words and Kerry’s two words as well. Yay!

P.P.S. You can also join the Two Words Project on Facebook, if you’d like to join in the fun.