Two Words Project: 2012 summary

Tags

Acceptance, empathic, gluten, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Healing, healthy boundaries, highly sensitive person, I Quit Sugar, Metagenics detox, self-acceptance, self-love, two words project

As previously mentioned, 2012 was a ker-racker of a year for me. In part, this is thanks to the wonderful Two Words Project.

I’m not entirely sure how it works, but mindfully choosing two words for your year’s intentions is a VERY powerful activity. It seemingly sets a very clear agenda of possibility… the kind of possibility that makes your toes tingle (and not because you’re wearing too-tight shoes).

Those Two Words, once liberated from your subconscious mind (or wherever they reside), become alive. They resonate in your body and mind, working on your behalf even when you don’t think you’re paying attention.

Which is quite handy really.

Most of my Two Words-related changes have been subtle and were probably invisible to others. Slow changes, the way Sarah Wilson describes them with her Titanic Theory.

The changes are primarily in the way my thoughts have presented themselves to me, in light of my two words for 2012: Healing and Acceptance.

Healing

Well… [pun unintended!].

I’m not exaggerating when I say that in 2012 I spent an all-mighty small fortune on my health. I definitely exceeded the minimum spend on health-related stuff that gets you a tax break (hooray?). I know, coz it’s all typed up neatly in an Excel spreadsheet.

Coz here’s what I did: I made healing myself my #1 priority and did whatever it took in order to make it happen.

Mostly this meant favouring doctor and naturopath appointments, supplements, acupuncture and massage treatments over almost anything else in my budget. I did a heck load of research and made it my business to be firmly in the driver’s seat when it came to my health.

Then, in early January? I got my latest round of blood tests back from the doctor. I’m still finding it hard to believe, but check it out…

That’s right, biatches!

Almost all my results are now in the normal range.

Admittedly, my thyroid hormones (T3, T4, TSH) stabilised in mid-2012, as you can see from the August results (which are almost exactly the same as the January results!).

There’s still a little work to do with my TSH levels, but not much! The big change however, is my antibody levels…

THEY ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY NORMAL!

Remembering of course, that antibodies are the horned devils that destroy one’s thyroid gland over time, if left unchecked. So its super-important to have them under control!!

You would not believe the happy dances I’ve been doing since I got these results!

Of course, this doesn’t mean I can entirely relax. An autoimmune disorder is a life-long thing, and I’ll always need to monitor my health to make sure I don’t slip backwards.

But I’m now much stronger, have more energy and feel more like myself again than I did for most of last year.

AND MY BLOOD TESTS ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY NORMAL AS IF I WAS NEVER SICK.

*WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

What helped me get to this point, you ask?

• Last November I quit sugar, and since then I’ve lost over 12kg (26 pounds) where for the last few years I haven’t been able to lose any weight at all (a wonderful Hashimoto’s symptom!). AND this was achieved without starving myself or exercising excessively, either. These days, I rarely crave anything sweet and when I do, I can satisfy that urge with non-sugary foods.
• I quit gluten too. This one was harder, but it was only recently that I realised even having a little bit (like say… eating a croissant!) REALLY affects the quality of my mind (e.g. brain fog vs no brain fog).
• I completed a couple of medical-grade Metagenics detox programs and every day I take a number of high quality supplements (mostly Metagenics). These have made a huge difference. The next phase is to look at how I can derive what I’m getting from the supplements from my natural food intake.
  Even though this article is about healing from MS, it’s still relevant to what I’m doing. Basically? We can and should be getting all the nutrients we need from our food.
• Also? I’ve done epic amounts of research on food, the digestive and immune systems and so on. All to learn more about how Hashimoto’s isn’t really a thyroid condition (the thyroid is affected by other system dysfunctions in the body) and that to heal it, you actually have to heal the rest of you first.
• Especially the digestive system/gut health (aka leaky gut syndrome). Most people in fact, could do with paying more attention to their gut health BEFORE they get sick. My key learning is that most chronic health problems are rooted in digestive health issues!
• I’ve learned more about what it is to be a Highly Sensitive Person (I’ve read the book, too). Good health, you see, is more than feeling well on a physical level. It’s all about getting to know yourself and discovering your own particular needs in relation to the world. And? HSP’s actually have different biochemistry to non-HSP’s.

Acceptance

The changes wrought by having Acceptance as one of my Two Words are more challenging to quantify.

I’ve written a lot about it, of course. You could say this entire blog is all about the process of self-acceptance!

There’s been a lot of inner work going on, especially during my kinesiology appointments, which I’ve been having every 6-8 weeks all year. The beauty of kinesiology is that the changes it brings, persist. Grow, even. Unfold ever-after.

But what’ve I done this year around acceptance? Especially the self-acceptance kind of acceptance? For me, this is how it’s looked on a daily basis…

It is all about generating self-love, which means stuff like this:

• Examining my patterns around what kind of love I’m willing to accept.
• Being real with the idea that I might not get to have kids.
• I’ve learned that my destiny is to become a healer: knowing who you are and where you’re going is incredibly empowering!
• Listening closely to what I really need on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.
• Checking in with myself. If I’ve changed my mind about something, paying attention so I can do what I should be doing instead! Too often, I’ll let things be as they are instead of changing direction to where I should be going.
• Getting to bed early enough. I’m still a little patchy on this one but hey… I’ll be working on it more this year. More sleep is always required.
• Eating foods that are nourishing and full of goodness (e.g. organic meat/veg and LOTS of green foods!!). Cooking – more than one friend in recent times has complimented me on my cooking, which consists of very simple but tasty ingredients.
• Respecting my need for self-expression and being creative, and partaking in creative pursuits as often as I can. Writing. Teaching. Yoga. Singing. Dancing. Yup.
• Developing healthy personal boundaries. I’m often way too agreeable for my own good, and in the past I’ve let people get away with things that I really shouldn’t. In terms of how they act around and towards me. Not any more, though. This can come across as being disagreeable or unfriendly. But it’s absolutely necessary in order to take care of myself.
• Developing stronger energetic boundaries, too. I’m yet to work out the day-to-day benefits of being highly empathic (not the same word as empathetic!), which means that without realising it I take on other people’s emotional states/feelings and even physical pain. But I’m getting much better at noticing this now, and I’m working on patching up my energy field.

My teacher likes to say that you can’t save anyone else until you can save yourself. Since I’m fond of metaphors, this is like saying there’s no point in saving people from a sinking ship if you’ve got leaks in your own hull.

I think like most people, my self-acceptance work is ongoing. But the key is to have self-acceptance as part of your make up in the first place. As long as you keep paying attention to it (sub-consciously or not), you’re gonna be doing yourself and other people a good turn.

~ Svasti

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I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Tags

Depression, Enter your zip code here, Healing, I Am Out Of Trauma, Kinesiology, PTSD, Trauma

Yes. Yes, I am.

And I need to tell you about this because trauma’s a tricky little bastard who likes to make you think he’s permanently in your life.

Let me tell you: when you’re dealing with PTSD, you think its forever. It sure feels like forever. I really DID think it would in fact, be forever.

And yet.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Truly. I’ve tears of gratitude and happiness and just the most GIGANTIC sense of relief and release flowing forth from every pore of my being. Because I know this now, and I know it deeply. Irrevocably.

But it’s not like I woke up one morning with a blinding flash of realisation – THAT I AM HEALED! No one sent me a telegram or email with said announcement, either.

Yet, I am out of trauma. I really, really am.

It makes me smile the broadest smile I can manage with this face that I was born with.

Cumulatively, I know this is true. Piece by piece, as I’ve reclaimed all of the forgotten broken parts of who I am.

And instantly I know this, too. In retrospect, anyway.

Last weekend I knew this most definitely, in my kinesiology session, where my kinesiologist Amanda, said this: You’re no longer in trauma. Life and these sessions are now about what’s next instead of what has been.

She said that and I knew it to be true. And I remembered all of the sessions. My early ones with Kerry. Then the first eight or so months with Amanda. As we shone lights on all the sneaky hiding spots that trauma tried to squeeze its self into. To remain and fester. Because that’s what trauma likes to do.

But that was then. Those sessions were then. All of those years, all of that sadness and grief… it isn’t who I am anymore.

Instead, I cackle out loud like a crazy hyena. I snort and belly laugh, too.

Because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

This, I know deep in my bones as all of those Other New Things come at me… more change, but this time of the positive ilk. My job now is to prepare. To make the right decisions for my future and… already do whatever I can to help others.

And I can do that – help others – because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

So all of the hard won wisdom is now mine to share. And that’s what I’m in the process of doing.

I want to hand write love notes to all of the wonderful healers I’ve worked with over the years. The people who kept me afloat when I otherwise would’ve drowned. I’ve so much gratitude for all of their love and care and support.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma. And now it’s time for me to give it all back to those in need.

~Svasti
xxx

The pattern of choosing to love the wrong person

Tags

Choosing to love the wrong person, Enter your zip code here, Heart, Love, low self-esteem, patterns, protection, safety

I’ve written about this a little already, but I thought I’d expand on the topic. Be prepared, coz this post is a long ‘un.

Choosing to love the wrong person is something we humans do when we feel the need to protect ourselves: weirdly, we pick the wrong person on purpose.

It’s meant to be a way of keeping our hearts safe from future emotional devastation. But it’s a trap. It only works for so long, if it ever really works at all.

My theory is that it’s the mind’s way of doing what it thinks needs to be done to protect that pesky heart that’s always getting hurt and causing a world of pain for the rest of the body.

But we all know what happens when the mind gets involved in matters of the heart, right? Hint: it usually stuffs things up, no matter how well meaning.

The twisted protection logic goes something like this: if I’m with someone I don’t/can’t really love because they aren’t the right person for me, then I can’t have my heart broken because I’ll never really love them. There’ll always be space between my heart and this person, and so I’m Safe.

If you’ve been hurt before – in that everything fallen apart, life ceases to have any meaning kind of way – then it seems like a sensible idea in theory, right?

Except it’s not.

I can trace the development of this pattern back to the failure of three relationships in a row from my early-to-late 20’s: three men I loved who didn’t love me back.

Although I suspect the groundwork for the pattern was there long before that.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure by the time the third relationship blew up in my face, my heart was broken in a fundamental way. Like, engine fallen out of the car kinda thing.

Let me share some back story on these three loves of mine, then…

Love #1

Was my fiancé. We met when I was twenty-four and he in his late thirties. I suspect my idea of relationships was already a bit warped. I mean, take a highly repressed and aloof father, a physically and verbally abusive brother, chronically low self-esteem, a terrible first boyfriend, an abortion, and a whole heap of other issues never written about here… my ability to choose the right man to marry was already impaired.

Back then, I was attracted to older men. Men I thought could teach me something. Little did I know what I was really looking for was an honest-to-goodness teacher, but that’s another story.

I’d conflated the idea of a romantic partner with someone I could trust as a teacher. And back then, my standard modus operandi with men was to throw my power at them. To inhabit their life and let them be in charge.

My fiancé btw, was a good and honourable man. Really. I’d thought we’d marry and have kids and be together forever.

But he was just as confused and lost in his own ways as I was. By the time our relationship entered its third year, it was no longer the force of nature it’d once been, and he pulled away from me. Which of course, triggered my paranoia, insecurities and low self esteem.

These days I suspect that things ended because he was no longer “in charge” in the way I needed. Which meant the guy I’d been throwing my power at wasn’t doing what I needed him to do. By the time I was ready to leave, my heart had bled all the tears it’d held and there was no way across the chasm that’d grown between my fiancé and me.

So he became my ex-fiancé.

Love #2

Waiting in the wings was another man. The second ill-fated love of mine and a mutual friend of mine and Love #1.

In retrospect, it’s not surprising to me that he was in fact, a teacher. Not this teacher, but the person who introduced me to him. He also taught martial arts.

Oh look, how perfect! Someone big and strong AND an actual teacher that I could offer myself to on a platter. Which is exactly what I did.

Having leapt from one relationship to another, I was amazed at how different things were. I chastised myself for almost settling for much less, and I proceeded to fall hard. Harder perhaps, because now I was *sure* that this was The One. Someone much more suited to me.

Except. He had a binge drinking problem. I was sure I could “help” him with that.

And. In the end, he didn’t want me the way I wanted him.

He was honest about this important detail eventually, but I wanted him so much that I ignored that fact and let the relationship carry on anyway. He didn’t exactly say no. Not very often anyway.

It was off and on, passionate, sexy, dangerous and highly destructive to my sense of self. For eighteen months. I had counselling in my attempts to resist him.

When it finally, absolutely ended for the last time, I hit rock bottom. It was very ugly. Crazily, I even intentionally got myself into a fight and let a group of girls beat me up (it didn’t hurt as much as my broken heart).

Then I went overseas, as an absolute raving mess. I had fun, visited far-flung places and came back feeling more together than I had been in a while. I even went to my first Ayurvedic doctor and stated to turn my health around.

With better health, came a better state of mind…

Love #3

Which is when I met the next guy, via online dating. Which I was only trying because Love #2 had started doing it, and I was actually there to stalk his profile. When was he last on? Who was he talking to?! Ha, so sad and pathetic. 😉

Anyway, out of that came a welcome surprise in the form of an email from someone very interesting.

If Loves #1 and #2 had bowled me over, I wasn’t prepared in any way for Love #3. He was around my age (the first one in a long time who was), gorgeous, intelligent, gentle, charming, sweet and genuine.

We shared many things in common and the attraction was mutual and instantaneous. On our second date, we both agreed the line “where have you been all my life?” was appropriate for us.

True to form, I let myself fall in love quickly and deeply. This time I was VERY SURE I’d met The One. It had to be, right? I’d had two (three actually), terrible and failed relationships only to meet my knight in shining armour, with his sunny demeanour and adventurous nature.

He was so attentive, calm and wonderful. He’d Christmas with his relatives in Canberra and then drove to Melbourne to pick me up from my parents’ place so we could slowly 4WD our way back to Sydney. We had New Year’s in Jindabyne and I was so happy.

Until January, when he took me to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and ever-so-respectfully dumped me. In public, so I couldn’t cause a scene. He wanted to be friends however – really wanted it – and in fact, we are good friends to this day.

But for an entire week after he dumped me, I felt myself shutting down. I was quietly sad. Despairing. I couldn’t imagine someone more perfect for me (or so I thought) than Love #3. I couldn’t believe my rotten luck and I’d no idea what was so wrong with me that no one wanted to be with me.

My heart, I’m pretty sure, was packed up neatly into a shuttered wooden box. Surrounded by layers of bubble wrap and duct tape.

It’s good, they say, to be friends with your exes. This is sort of both true and false. True, because people you’ve loved (and who’ve loved you back) are still in your life. False, because unless you’re the one doing the dumping, there’s a good chance you’ll still be in love with them and wanting more than they can give.

I was in love with Love #3 for years, and most of that time I was in denial about it. I analysed his every word and action even as we hung out (skiing, motorbike riding, camping, 4WD-ing, hanging out with friends who declared we looked like a couple). Even as we took more long cross-country trips together.

Neither of us dated, and we might as well have been together except for the lack of sex.

It drove me crazy. Why? WHY? Why didn’t he want to be my boyfriend?!

Eventually I started dating again. However, Love #3 and I still hung out AND I was still hung up.

THIS was the beginning of choosing men I had no chance of falling for…

It wasn’t conscious, not entirely anyway. It was a survival mechanism. My mind overrode my heart because it knew I couldn’t withstand any more heartache.

And so I continued… the loser friend of my cousin’s boyfriend; the weird Persian student; the sweet guy I was never into; the tall, dufus-y baseball player; the dorky ex-air force guy who insisted on a relationship I never wanted…

And then this guy.

Which is one of the problems, with this whole “protection of the heart” pattern, no?

Not only do you end up wasting your time and the time of the people you date when you should’ve said no… but one of them could turn out to be a secret sociopath with a penchant for hitting women.

And, because you’ve been busily tuning out your instincts about who you should be with, you lose the connection to that gut feel which tells you NO.

So you miss it, and you’re unprepared. And then your world breaks into tiny little pieces.

Which is really just the Universe presenting a wake up call to you in the strongest possible language. Because there’s only so far you can go while wilfully ignoring your own path in life.

And being with the wrong person is DEFINITELY ignoring your own path.

It’s taken me all these years to piece this understanding together. Of what happened and how things got to where they did…

And now I’m doing what I can to undo this pattern. Which isn’t as easy as it sounds.

For the longest time, I simply didn’t want a boyfriend. Until I did. But even then, men remained scary.

Actually, men I have no interest in romantically were and are fine.

But liking a guy and wondering if he might like me back? A massive risk. Terrifying, even. Something that until fairly recently, left me feeling disempowered, goofy and maybe all of thirteen, all over again.

Around cute guys, I still feel like a kid with no social skills but like many things in my life, I relate this re-learning curve to yoga.

Specifically, to something I often tell my students:

You’ll never be able to do the poses you find difficult if you never do them. So practice and enjoy them, even when they aren’t perfect. Even when you fall over. Because one day something will change and you’ll find yourself able to do the thing you told yourself you never could. All because you kept up your practice.

So right now? I’m practicing. Flirting. Confidence. Noticing when men notice me. Noticing men and not feeling shy about it. Being able to be attracted to men without losing all sense of reason. Making eye contact and holding steady.

~Svasti

Two Words Project: 6 months of Acceptance & Healing

Tags

Acceptance, autoimmune conditions, boundaries, Hashimoto's, Healing, inappropriate men, Kinesiology, old patterns, two words project

Six months into the Two Words Project, and here’s where I’m at…

The last few weeks have been stressful. Soooo busy at work with my boss away and in this job (where I LOVE the people and the place), I’ve been given more responsibilities than I initially signed on for. Which is exciting, but it does mean learning new skills. Stuff I don’t have down pat. Stuff that means I’m not 100% brilliant at my job right now, while I undergo this new learning curve.

I can’t tell you how much I hate not being 100% brilliant at my job.

So it’s been busy and crazy and with my boss away, a bit of a strain. Because I’m one of those people who looks around and if I see something that needs doing and when there’s no one to do that task, I’ll try to fill the gap.

None of this is good for my health, as you might imagine. Stress is debilitating for folks with autoimmune conditions. It causes physical pain, and a resurgence of symptoms. For example, my memory gets even fuzzier than normal, and my throat tightens up. I get a bit mopey and exhausted.

What I’m beginning to realise however, is that these new circumstances in my job are shining a light on old patterns that’ve been around for a really long time.

As sucky as facing up to old patterns can be, I keep telling myself: this is all a part of the healing process.

My life is currently more balanced than ever. So I figure I now have the capacity to face up to other issues, whereas in the past there wasn’t space to deal with anything other than healing my body and mind. But now I’ve done enough work to stabilise my life, there’s room to look at other issues that are holding me back. So here they come!

Luckily, I had a kinesiology session booked for this weekend. Perfect timing as always, to help me clarify some of this stuff.

Here’s what I’m looking at right now:

I tend to put my own needs at the very bottom of the pile, underneath everyone else’s

This is an oldie but a goodie, and very common for women. It’s a people pleasing thing that goes hand in hand with my (previously out of control) poor-self esteem. I’ve mostly healed my self-esteem issues now, but this whole thing of not speaking up for what I need is still kicking around. And kicking my ass.

The reality is, I can’t afford to let this pattern remain active anymore. My health can’t take it, so like everything else that’s bringing my health down, it has to go.

Building appropriate boundaries for myself that allow me to take care of my own needs while interacting with others

So, there needs to be a balance between being of service to other people and doing the same thing for myself. I now have very specific health needs and if I don’t take care of them appropriately, I fall over in a heap.

And if I can’t take care of myself, then I can’t help anyone else, either. One of my lovely yoga teachers likes to say: teach from a place of abundance, never from a place of lack.

I’m actually pretty good at taking care of myself now, until other people come into the picture (see previous point!).

Until recently, I would always dropped whatever it is I was doing for myself in order to fulfil the needs of others. This can be seen as being over-helpful, and also it just isn’t balanced.

Plus, this isn’t what I teach as a yoga practitioner and teacher. So once again, I find myself drawing on the wisdom of yoga to bring into my life.

If you don’t have appropriate boundaries and awareness when doing yoga, you can hurt yourself. If you try too hard, you can hurt yourself. The teachings of the middle way are what I’m reminding myself of here:

Put in effort, but NOT too much effort. Work at a moderate pace. Don’t strain or force. Enjoy.

Men: this is pretty much my Achilles heel

In all the work I’ve done to recover from PTSD, this issue is one I’ve dodged since the beginning.

For many years after I was assaulted, I had no interest in men at all. NONE. I was completely shut down in that respect. Then I started feeling less shut down. But there were (and are) some big fat issues in the way: betrayal; physical/emotional intimacy; trusting myself; trusting men; feeling powerless; being unable to open up…

Those are the general themes. I think I’m now in a stable enough space to consider the idea of dating men, BUT, there’s still lots of fear swirling around.

See, I’ve been out of the dating game for so long that I feel like an awkward teenager. Around men I’m attracted to, my carefully re-established self-esteem goes up in smoke.

The irrational fear-voice in my mind says things like: I’m too old for men to be attracted to me; he’s gorgeous so why would he be interested in me; is he flirting with me? I can’t even tell; what if he DOES like me – I’d have to be vulnerable (and that’s insane); it’s probably safest to assume he isn’t into me… and so on.

Of course, this has come up because there’s a guy that I’m RIDICULOUSLY attracted to at the moment. Well, on a physical level anyway. It’s both uncontrollable and undeniable (believe me, I’ve tried to quell it!).

However, I really don’t think we’re compatible in other ways, and I suspect that this is my old pattern of being attracted to men who are wrong for me. Which is all about choosing men I can’t ever really be close to, as a way to keep myself safe (ha!). This is the very same pattern by the way, that once upon a time allowed me to invite a sociopath into my home… (not that I think the guy I’m now attracted to is a sociopath!)

Unfortunately, knowing such things hasn’t stopped this rampant attraction from growing like wildfire. I’m pretty sure it’s only one-way, too. He is someone I have to interact with on a regular basis (at work), and he’s very demanding in his dealings with me. So also: hello, boundary issues!

That’s right – my current work situation is a triple threat of my old patterns coming up to bite me. Hard.

But out of my kinesiology session, it became clear that perhaps this has come up to help me close out the these lessons: being able to have my needs met; setting appropriate boundaries; not being attracted to inappropriate men.

Which helps me put the whole thing in a new light.

This guy that I’m wildly attracted to? He isn’t here to tempt me, but to teach me.

And that’s a lesson I’m willing to accept. 😉

~Svasti

P.S. Don’t forget my Yoga Nidra give-away! It’s open until Friday 15^th June – spread the word!

Acceptance of the Big Ass Doozies

Tags

Acceptance, Big Ass Doozies, childless, Healthing, PTSD, self-acceptance

I was terrified of this year when I signed up for Nadine’s workshop back in January. Terrified. By the time the workshop was over, I was both relieved and umm… still terrified, actually.

Because what sort of crazy person willingly (I wasn’t that willing actually) takes on “Acceptance” as one of their words for empowering their year?

Apparently I do. And while I’ve had a fairly decent amount of success with the whole acceptance gig so far, it’s starting to get scary.

You see, there’s something magical about making a commitment to yourself based on a couple of words that deeply resonate with your inner being. When they’re the right words – when you’ve done enough self-inquiry and sat still long enough for the words to be heard – then it isn’t like just picking up one of those little polished stones at the local woo-woo shop with golden lettering that says something like “Faith” or “Hope”.

Of course, those might be the words you come up with via self-reflection, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s an entirely different process. Words that arise from self-reflection *are* a commitment, and your higher self seems to register them like some kind of action plan. And then it’s on for young and old.

Healing (my other word for this year)… that’s what I’ve been doing in spades. I feel like I’ve been concentrating very, very hard on my physical health for the last twelve months or so. And even more so since the start of this year.

It’s almost time for me to get more blood tests. Comprehensive ones. Hopefully all this hard work will show up in the results. I certainly feel a heck of a lot better, but it’ll be good to see the proof in a science-y way, too.

When it comes (self) Acceptance… well that’s another kind of healing, right? I’ve been working my ass off on that front, too. And actually, self-acceptance and physical healing are interconnected anyway. The more I work on my emotional/mental health, the more connections appear to the physical.

But there’s the easier things to learn to accept, and then there’s the Big Ass Doozies.

When I first started healing from PTSD, I learned you can clear away a LOT of the “chaff” – the easy to access stuff pretty quickly. There’s usually a heap of it. But those issues are generally symptoms of what’s really going on.

And so here I am – working through my stuff and yet holding back on one of those Big Ass Doozies, because there’s always been a little part of me that wants to imagine that somehow, I wouldn’t need to accept it because there’s the possibility it could change.

For many years, while healing from PTSD and depression I would cry at the drop of a hat. Couldn’t help it – my emotions were so raw and near the surface that it was all I could do most times to not be crying.

Nowadays though, there’s only one thing that really makes me sad in that same way:

I am childless.

I have just turned 40. Too many of my child-bearing years were swallowed by the aftermath of being assaulted, and even though I’m now mostly healed, I still haven’t been able to make the leap back into the dating world.

But I really, really want to be a mother.

I want to know what it’s like to have a child growing inside of me. To give birth and watch my child grow up. I’d be a great mum. However, time and opportunities for such a thing are running close to empty.

Adding insult to injury? The autoimmune disorder I developed as a result of all that trauma? It also plays havoc with fertility and causes miscarriage. So there’s that, too…

It seems that I’m surrounded by people having babies. It’s probably like when you buy a new car and suddenly notice all the people around you with the same type of car. Only in reverse. What I deeply, deeply want from the depth of my being… there’s a very good chance I won’t be getting it at all. Not in this lifetime.

And as genuinely happy as I am for my sister, friends and co-workers, and as much as I love my nieces and other people’s children… I am equally devastated by the circumstances that have led to this childless place. To the running out of time.

I struggle very much with being able to accept this. That this is probably how it’s gonna be. That given the laws of probability, it’s unlikely I’ll get to have kids.

So, sometimes I cry. I’m watching some show and there’s kids or families or someone who desperately wanted to be a mother finally gets her wish (the way it always happens in Hollywood, right?) and I find I can’t not cry.

Please do me a favour – don’t leave me any comments that talk about how “you never know” and “amazing things happen” and that “just because you’re 40 doesn’t mean it can’t happen for you”. Don’t tell me that I “just have to want it enough”, either.

I know these things. I know that sometimes for some people, they are true words. I also know that in other circumstances, they are not. And since my life has never resembled one of those Hollywood stories (whose life does, anyway?) where everything turns out alright in the end, I have to tell you it’s much easier for me to be realistic.

Only, because this is a Big Ass Doozie of a thing to accept… it’s pretty tricky to be okay with it.

I’ve done all the rationalising. I know that being childless doesn’t mean I’ve failed at life. I know plenty of women who haven’t had kids. I know kids can be a pain in the ass and that nappies and sleep deprivation suck. I know there’s plenty of other things I can do with my life. I know. I KNOW. Okay?

But it doesn’t change what I want. It doesn’t change the way it makes me feel to know my chances for getting what I want are slim to none. It doesn’t help me while I struggle to find some sort of acceptance for how things are.

Ideally, I’d love to have two kids. I don’t even care about gender. Just that they’d be healthy. Right now even if I met some amazing guy tomorrow, I’d be lucky to have even one.

I’m not looking for pity by writing this. I’m just sort of hoping that somehow, naming my desires and fears will help me put them in perspective. And just maybe… that’s a step towards truly being cool with being childless.

There’s a LOT more work to do on this yet…

~Svasti

Two Words check in: January – March

Tags

Acceptance, Cycle of Crazy, Hashimoto's, Healing, own it, self-acceptance, self-love

Like Nadine, I’ve been awfully silent in my writing of late. It hasn’t worried me overly since there’s been so much going on. I’ve barely stopped spinning long enough to think about writing.

But Nadine’s post prompted me to write a little more here. It is March already. Wait, it’s almost April!

And I’ve committed to my Two Words for 2012: Healing and Acceptance.

So how am I going?

Pretty amazingly, really.

As I mentioned, I’ve found a Naturopathic Doctor who really gets where I’m coming from and has a deep understanding of Hashimoto’s. I kind of have a girl crush on her.

Right now, I’m entering week five of a six week cleanse process (gut/kidneys/liver) and that, combined with giving up sugar, ongoing kinesiology and being put onto better quality supplements is really starting to transform my health.

I know I’ve got a ways to go yet, but already I feel much less fragile. Brighter. Less fuzzy ‘round the edges/dragged down underwater (such are the joys of Hashimoto’s).

While I still have to keep tabs on my energy levels, I’m able to do more and cope with stress better. More like a normal person.

I’m also finding that I’m less reliant on some of the supplements I’ve been taking to stop myself from toppling over. In fact, last week I ran out of one bottle part of the way through the week. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get any straight away, and previously this would’ve sent me in to a panic. But now, not so much…

With my ND’s support, I’ve halved my thyroid medication, too. She even thinks there’s a good chance I can get off the medication all together!

I still might need more rest than other people, but I’m So Much Better. I can’t really explain what that feels like.

And then, one can also look at the word “Healing” and directly equate it with “Acceptance” and all that it entails…

This is a little harder to quantify: acceptance is more about feeling and inner work than anything else.

But eventually it shows on the outside, too. In how I perceive myself and how others respond to that self-perception.

As I’ve indicated before, there are a lot of things I have to learn to accept in order to be able to own Acceptance.

Like, OWN IT BIATCH.

I’m far from alone, of course. Wanting what we don’t have in every which way (physically, personally, financially, emotionally etc etc), self-loathing, poor-to-no self-esteem, emotional wounds that never got the proper care they needed to heal.

All of this stuff causes critical death blows to self-acceptance.

Being totally down with who we are.

Just us as perfectly okay, the way we are.

This is of course, all a part of the dualistic nature of the world; the illusion of separateness that is the root cause of the human condition of suffering. Which is a nice philosophical way to talk about it.

But in reality, for most people in this world this means a lifetime of feeling like they aren’t good enough. That they aren’t loveable or desirable. That they’ll never really be happy, even if they’re surrounded by all kinds of goodness. Grass is always greener and all of that.

As I said, I’m not alone. Everyone has their story and as clichéd as it sounds, working out how to love and make friends with yourself (the way you would with anyone else!) is the only way out of the Cycle of Crazy that is self-loathing.

And I’m not talking about the pseudo-acceptance of denial and pretend. I’ve been there, and it doesn’t work.

The only way to really get self-acceptance is to stop lying to yourself.

It’s a starting point, anyway.

Much of the work I’ve done to heal myself from PTSD has been about just that – brutal self-honesty and understanding. But there were still small pockets of self-loathing I was able to hold onto.

Specifically around my physical appearance and lovability.

Recently, a good friend asked me to explain my spiritual beliefs. My response was circuitous and long-winded, because I had to explain the difference between western-logic thinking and yogic thinking; which IS circuitous and contains ideas that sometimes contradict themselves (on purpose and gleefully so). I also had to explain that for me, it’s not so much about what I believe, as what I experience first-hand…

Which led to a conversation about all the things I’ve learned since being assaulted and how that incident really has led to real (and positive) change in how I see myself.

Which is when I realised that yeah, I’m on my way to self-acceptance.

I’m well on the way…

For example.

One of my little post-class rituals I hold for my yoga students is as follows: once we’ve finished our closing chants I ask them to keep their eyes closed/lowered and take a moment to honor themselves for coming along to yoga. I say – if the mood takes you, give yourself a great big smirk. Keep it internal if you like or let it spread to your face. Coming to yoga, I tell them, is an act of caring for your body and mind.

The more I tell myself and my students this, the more concrete this idea becomes.

~ Svasti

Review: Two words for a powerful year workshop

Tags

2012, goals, Nadine Fawell, New Year's resolutions, Plans, resolutions, Yoga, yoga workshop

Well, says Nadine (aka The Divine Ms N) almost doubtfully, I hope you got something out of today.

As much as she claims to be the Queen of Unsubtlety, here’s this beautiful yogi with her mellifluous South African accent, sounding unsure of the magic she’s just enabled for a room full of women.

*Ahem* DID I get something out of Nadine’s workshop? Errrmmmm… f#ck yes I did!

The premise was to find two words to set your intentions for the year, instead of making a mountain of resolutions or intentions.

The idea was that we’d work it out via a bit of story-telling, laughter, inappropriate jokes, and a process of self-inquiry Nadine had written down in a workbook for everyone. This was to be interspersed with a bit of yoga, food and relaxation and eventually, we’d all find the words that would sing out to us.

Words that represented how we want 2012 to go: things we need, want or are challenged by.

To be honest, I signed up for this workshop when I was still in the Land of Overwhelm.

I’ve been a wee bit terrified of the coming year – will it be another round of physical, mental, emotional or financial disaster? The worry about such things was the cause of much unexpressed anxiety.

So I signed up thinking fark, I’d better get as much help as I can for myself in starting things off right and bloody well hope and pray it all turns out… better. Better than the last six years in every way.

I am ready for better. Very ready.

Even though Nadine had emailed us earlier in the week with some question prompts, I really hadn’t thought about what my words might be.

But funnily enough, as we got started with our first session of yoga one of my words just… *POPPED* into my mind. Okay, cool.

It makes perfect sense for me, yes?

I’d still no idea what the other one would be, however.

We then started talking with each other, reading our workbooks and writing, just to get the thought processes moving (I’d bought my extra-shiny glitter gel pens to inspire me!).

Nadine started passing around some food (stating that she can’t concentrate if she’s hungry!), and we all either kept the word brainstorming going and/or tucked in to the nibbles – whatever worked for each of us.

A bit of tea, a few nuts and muffins (although no muffins for me!), some chatting with other participants and I still didn’t have my second word.

Until I did.

Just by… I don’t know, standing there and listening to other people talk. Suddenly it was glaringly apparent and I was hot-footing it back to my yoga mat, attempting to write down that darn word – because until then I simply hadn’t written anything like it in my workbook!

Which I didn’t do without some serious face-pulling, like I’d been eating too many lemons!

Whoah. I REALLY didn’t want to have to face that one but there it was, staring me in the face.

Acceptance.

GAH! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT MIGHT MEAN??!!

The last thing I thought I wanted was to work on accepting myself, my life and where I’m at but apparently that’s what I need this year. I mean, can’t we put that shizz off til much later? Next life, perhaps? 😉

But… too late. Like the ringing of a bell, it was blatantly clear that like it or not, for me 2012 is the year to get into some acceptance (grumble grumble bloody bloomin’ heck!).

Once everyone had their word(s), next up was investigating exactly what those words might mean for us.

Here’s a short summary of mine:

Healing

• Getting my thyroid and body back into balance.
• Regaining normal iron levels and other blood work tests.
• Hopefully being able to get off thyroid medication and manage my health by diet and yoga/kinesiology/acupuncture alone.
• Finding the right doctor/naturopath to help me achieve these goals.
• Continuing my kinesiology sessions.
• Getting enough sleep, eating the right foods and staying away from the wrong foods.
• Feeling full of energy once again.
• Finding my ideal body weight.
• And… when I’m ready, being able to remove the impenetrable protective bubble that still surrounds my heart. To truly let love in once again.

Acceptance

• Being honest with myself about ALL the things I don’t accept about myself right now.
• Finding ways to accept the things I currently reject: physical appearance; what I’ve been through; what I think I’ve “missed out on” as a result of having PTSD; the things I want in my life that I don’t have; parts of my personality I don’t like; my current lifestyle; not living/doing the things I really want to be doing; my health…
• Understanding that acceptance of all of these things isn’t about giving up. Rather, it’s about not wasting energy fighting things I can’t change.
• Embracing self-love in all aspects of my life, and being happy and joyful within myself!

Nadine asked us to think of a yoga pose(s) that embodies the essence of our words for us, and then wove them into our second yoga session.

Interestingly, there were a LOT of mentions of warrior and tree pose, as a many people had words like balance, stability and openness.

The intention of the second yoga session was to seal the words we’d each chosen into our bodies and minds.

We began with a simple meditation on our words, inhaling and exhaling them like a mantra. Playing around with which word felt right for the inhale and which for the exhale [inhale: Healing / exhale: Acceptance].

This time the practice was a little stronger than our first session, and we carried our words with us as we moved and breathed.

How do your words feel with this pose, asked Nadine, as she left us in each pose for a while to ponder.

Finally, we finished with another meditation. Allowing our words to steep and settle in to the sub-conscious and anywhere else they’re needed.

Like all Nadine events, there was lots of laughter and light-heartedness. But ultimately, it was an elegant and thoughtful process of getting to the Stuff That Matters for each person.

That’s most definitely what happened for me!

So yes, Nadine. I got PLENTY out of your sweet little workshop. And it’s something I think you should run on a yearly basis because I’m sure there are lots of folks out there who’d love to learn this simple but powerful method of organising oneself for the coming year.

~Svasti xo

P.S. You can read Nadine’s two words and Kerry’s two words as well. Yay!

P.P.S. You can also join the Two Words Project on Facebook, if you’d like to join in the fun.