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Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

~ Recovery from PTSD & depression + yoga, silliness & poetry…

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

Category Archives: Uncategorized

Confession time…

30 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Svasti in Learnings, Uncategorized, Yoga

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

bazillion excuses, confession, fantastic voyage, transformations, Yoga, Yoga teacher

There are things I very badly want to tell you. No wait, I want to take you with me and show you instead, perhaps sliding into some kind of fantastic voyage vehicle, shrinking us down to microscopic dimensions and go within, go deep and far. And show you on some kind of cinema screen what it is that I see – my perception of the world and how I feel moment to moment. I want you to know for yourself because it’s quite possible that my words are so dreadfully inadequate or even that I’m using the wrong ones, and that I’ll never really be able to explain in a way that reflects what’s going on. At least, what I think is going on. Heh…

I have this theory, y’see, if we could all look into each other on a cellular level like that, perhaps we’d really get that there are no differences at all from one of us to the next.

Also, it’d be a handy shortcut for my current attempts to explain the unexplainable, to express transformations that remain entirely invisible to most. Because they’ve been rocking my world drastically and yet I’m bereft of explanations that make sense, even to me.

But here once again, I will try. So please forgive my lack of flow or any sketchiness, if you’d be so kind!

And now for a diversion. A confession if you will! Because I’m gonna have to keep writing til I can find a way to grasp what it is I really need to say. But also, I suspect the content of my confession has something to do with the above, too. Right!

So here’s the thing – I’m yet to start teaching yoga as the recently qualified 500 hour Hatha Yoga trained teacher that I am.

I’ve created roughly a bazillion excuses thus far. I felt shy, presumptuous, inexperienced, and unsure of myself. I had to save the money for my Yoga Teacher Association of Australia fees (which I conveniently kept forgetting to include in my budget – it’s not that much, it’s all about the planning). I didn’t think I was good enough. I’ve never been overly popular so who’d come to my classes? I’m not great at being the person in the center of the room (unless I’m performing in a costume). I haven’t perfected every asana and that’s not good enough. I want more experience of how other teachers teach before I try…

Yeah, I’ve got a lot of energy invested in not letting myself do what I want to be doing. Even though I know (somewhere in there) I’d actually probably be good at it, possibly maybe. Sure, I’d feel a bit nervous at first but then as I built on my confidence I know I’d find my flow and ahhhh… it’s not like I think I’d be “brilliant” from the get go – I know it takes time and experience to build up one’s teaching chops. But I’d do okay, I’d find my way of teaching with my current experience and skill.

And I think I’ve even let my experience of Mark Whitwell’s workshop and the Zen retreat bamboozle me, even as I gained so very much from what I learned with them both.

I know, of course, there is no other way but to do it. To get started, advertise and lead that first class. I know that, I do… and I’m about to send off my paperwork to get registered with the YTAA and get insurance coverage and all of that (yes, I finally put it in my budget!).

But it’s like I’ve deliberately held myself back, in case I actually succeed! Because what would happen then? I’ve watched The Blisschick go about doing exactly that with her Yoga Dance classes and I’ve read her posts and tweets about how exciting it is, and how much fun she’s having and I… sit on my ass and avoid planning!

Who will I be if I start teaching yoga? Even if it’s only one class a week to begin with? Yeah, that’s kinda what’s scaring me right now…

~Svasti

-37.814251 144.963169

More info on EMDR

17 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing, Therapy, Uncategorized

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

EMDR, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Therapy

As you may or may not be aware, the most significant healing work I did in regards to my PTSD was via EMDR therapy.

It’s quite an amazing technique in that how it works exactly, is still unknown. Also, if it’s the right therapy for you, healing can be very swift. It is said that for more chronic/protracted types of trauma, the process can take much longer. In my case, I had about six sessions. That was enough to completely resolve my flashbacks, the unbidden terror I was living with and other related symptoms.

I’ve made a few attempts to explain EMDR to the best of my ability. But I’m not a therapist and I can only draw from my own experience, so of course any explanation I can provide is limited.

Recently, Dr. Kathleen Young (a licensed clinical psychologist, EMDR trained therapist and fellow blogger) has written a series of posts about EMDR. I think they provide some very useful information about the process and how it works.

You can check them out here:

  • Trauma Treatment: EMDR
  • EMDR: What Exactly Happens During the 8 Phases?
  • EMDR: Questions and Concerns

If you or someone you know has developed PTSD, then it may be worthwhile considering EMDR.

I will say this however – the swiftness of my healing process left me feeling a little overwhelmed. All of the protection mechanisms and coping strategies I’d developed to handle the frequent onslaught of trauma symptoms were suddenly not required. Which is a good thing, right? Of course it is! But I still felt like my nervous symptom needed a moment or two to catch up.

Another issue I faced when realising I was suddenly flashback-free is something that Michele of Heal My PTSD has written about before:

  • Treating PTSD: What’s Your Post-Trauma Identity?
  • Treating PTSD: What’s Your Post-Trauma Identity?, Part 2

Most people with PTSD have lived with it every day for a very long time. As a result, it can become a part of your identity: “I am a person with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder”. Letting go of that identity can be just as scary as dealing with your trauma on a daily basis.

It is natural to want to cling on to what we know, even when those things are painful or damaging. And so if you do decide to try EMDR and find that it works for you, it’s important to prepare for a life free of the patterns of trauma that have haunted you relentlessly for so long.

Whatever path to healing you take, I wish you all the very best!

~Svasti

-37.814251 144.963169
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