The planning of my own outing

Tags

Anonymous, cloak of anonymity, Courage, nom de plume, outing, strength, vulnerability is my power base, willpower

I intend to write this book under my own name. But, I don’t want the readers of this blog to not know, or have to guess who I am.

So it seems that my nom de plume has almost outlived its usefulness.

I needed it very much when I began writing this blog, for everything I had to say was so raw. And the courage to write what I wanted to write required a shield, which I gave myself with this cloak of anonymity.

I’ve been writing this blog for over four years now, and actually, these days my identity is a bit of an open secret. Mostly because I’ve made so many wonderful friends via blogging: reading other blogs, and having others read mine.

Already, I’ve met several of my blog friends in real life, and there are more such real-life meetings to come!

Some of these friendships have lasted, while others have not. There are other people who still read this blog that I’d like to to be better friends with, but to be honest, it’s those friendships that haven’t worked that cause me to hesitate.

But really, only because I don’t wish to be outed before I’m ready, and even though the pool of people who know me already is probably more than I’d like, I’ll still try to contain things a little longer.

In recent times, I’ve held on to my semi-anonymous state because it didn’t feel right to change it, and also because I didn’t want people from my 9-5 job to know such intimate details about me.

But that was then. When I was fearful of my own vulnerability.

Before I realised that in fact, my vulnerability is my power base.

That having lived through what I have, I am stronger when I reveal the truth of my experiences.

For there is no weakness in dealing with adversity. Only strength.

For whatever reason, it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through it. Which is very annoying. But to make it through to the other side? Requires such strength, courage and willpower.

Then, it takes time for your own power to be revealed to yourself.

You don’t have to be a super-hero, only really, really determined.

Because I’m just like everyone else. Not imbued with extra abilities. What I’ve done in my journey of recovery? Is available to anyone who wants it.

So. I’m preparing for my own self-outing. I’m not clear on the timing yet, but it’ll be soon-ish. Because I want to be able to link my journey with the book I’m writing.

In order for people to know that actually, you can rise up from the worst experiences of your life.

And when you do? You’ll be:

Transformed.

Stronger.

Wiser.

Happier.

More real, more awake and more human than ever before.

~ Svasti

Advertisements

Life lessons from managing a fireplace

Tags

ambitions, beginners luck, brrrr factor, goals, hearth fire management, internal fires, passions, Small Pieces of Wood Game, timing, wispy kindling, wood fires

While I was away this last week, I was responsible for my own heating in a way city dwellers like me rarely need to worry about: the lighting and maintenance of a hearth fire.

No electric or gas or central heating is to be found up here; since this place is not on the grid. Electricity is generated by solar and wind power and stored in batteries, so needs to be managed carefully. If you want to keep warm, you’ve gotta move your body or light a fire. A wood fire.

Yes, yes I know… blah blah environment, burning wood, pollution etc. But that’s how it’s done in the country.

Certainly, this far from the first fire I’ve ever had to light. But it sure is the first time I’ve had to do it every day, all day and night. To keep away the brrrr factor.

Starting a fire has an aspect of beginners luck – it’s real easy as long as you follow the basics.

But keeping a fire going, and knowing when to throw on the next biggest piece, and how to bank them overnight? Not so easy after the beginner’s luck wears off. Especially when you’re new to the role of Fire Sentinel.

So here are some lessons I learnt this week from lighting and maintaining the heat:

• Always follow the basics: start with wispy kindling, then smaller pieces, then mid-size ones, and then finally you can throw that darn log on the fire.
• Fire starters are handy: a little ultra-flammable stuff that can give you a kick-start.
• The brightest fires are the ones that have enough air to breathe. If you try to add too much fuel, too early, you’ll smother it.
• There’s an axe outside near the woodpile. Use it. It’ll help build core strength and you’ll get a little warmer just by cutting up wood, too.
• Sometimes you’ll run out of the right sized pieces of wood. Don’t try to cheat and just go up a size: you’ll end up with a fire that goes out on you and you’ll have to start again. Which is a pain in the ass.
• Never turn your back on the fire for too long. You can’t rely on just the way the fire sounds or feels. It’s really important to do visual spot checks, for all kinds of reasons.
• Don’t get stuck in the Small Pieces of Wood Game. It’s possible to get into a loop of:
  Kindling > Sticks > Small pieces of wood
  Then not get the timing right for throwing on a larger piece, and so your fire goes out again. And again.
• When you’re trying to build your fire, the timing is never 100% clear. Sometimes you’ve just gotta wing it. Throw on a log, not another same-size piece. See what happens.
• You don’t wanna burn too bright or fast, coz that can make you uncomfortable. Mix your fuel types – some of the logs that burn longer vs the ones that burn hotter.

And… perhaps this is somewhat of a twee analogy but…

Fires are a bit like people: our passions, goals and ambitions.

Timing is important, and air and space and the right sized piece of fuel at the right time.

But most of all – vigilance; stamina; repetitive actions; appropriate levels of manual labour; and ongoing observation of where your fire is at.

These are how we keep our own internal fires burning.

Yeah I know. Too much time alone in the bush with only birds and ‘roos for company, eh?

~ Svasti

Writing a book is a topsy-turvy thing

Tags

another pot of tea, begin with what you feel, Creative Writing, fear of beginning, more tea, out of my head book!, percolation phase, topsy-turvy, Writing, writing a book

What I’ve found is… sometimes you have to start at the end. Or in the middle. Or by writing the credits for the book you haven’t even written yet.

Maybe it’s different for others, but I’ve realised that I must simply write. The ordering, the structure and placement of things… that can come later. Trying to write a book from beginning to end is… futile.

To get it all out of one’s head is the first priority. And some words simply want to be said first. So let them have their way with you, in the give and take of the flow of creativity.

And don’t panic when you think you haven’t yet written anything useful!

Write a paragraph here and there. Spend as much time not writing as you do engaged in the production of sentences. Be okay with the percolation phase, and with the fear of beginning.

For where does one begin, anyway?

I’ve learned that what you do is, begin with what you feel. And let your feelings guide everything that pops up after. In the same way they shoot movies and television shows out of sequence, write what needs to be written right now.

Structure appears when it’s ready to take form. Don’t let the beginning of your work depend on something that’s yet to evolve!

And – sometimes, the perfect place for writing is not the perfect place. Correct posture be damned! Writing on a sofa or a bed is sometimes what is needed, instead of at a lovely antique table.

Above all, just keep writing… burning incense, taking walks, and making another pot of tea…

~ Svasti

Other posts inspired by my retreat

• Writing retreat report: I’m back!
• An ode to Snake Gully
• Life lessons from managing a fireplace
• Waterfalls sound like the Universe

An ode to Snake Gully

Tags

confident, courageous, hiking, Nature, paths, pathways and patterns, powerful, PTSD, repeatable experiences, self-assured, Snake Gully, thrive, Trauma, waterfalls, you can’t ever go back

The place I went to for my writing retreat? I used to come up here maybe once or twice a year. More often whenever I could.

It was easier when I lived in Sydney because once I moved to Melbourne, I had a cat. As all pet owners know, you can’t just pick up and take off any time you like. So there was that.

Then I got PTSD and although this magical home of my friends was the perfect place for me to recover, I simply shut myself up in my own home. Anything else was too scary.

I still saw them when they came to Melbourne but I didn’t make it back up this way much. And then I gave up car ownership, which made it even harder to take a spontaneous road trip…

Anyway, back when I was a frequent traveller to this part of the world, we’d take many trips down Snake Gully. Which is on my friend’s property – just start following the creek to the south-east and keep on going.

Snake Gully is the sort of place where, if you’re sensitive to and aware of nature-type energies then you’d better bloody well ask for permission to walk the land. If you’re not, then you’d better just be respectful and watch where you’re walking.

Because the land, river and surrounds that comprise Snake Gully, are truly alive. It’s a place of magic, power and wildness.

So for the first walk of my writing retreat, I returned to the Gully.

My method of speaking with nature has changed: these days I can’t help but turn such things into songs. Wordless songs or chants, it doesn’t matter. As long as it comes from the heart and I can feel the boundaries of the world shifting in response, then it’s all good.

Traversing the Gully and its numerous waterfalls, I noticed the message I was being given and it took me back to a lament I used to have when in the midst of living with trauma:

There’s no going back!! I used to angrily repeat to myself over and over.

There’s no going back to how things were. I’m not the person I was before I was assaulted, damn it. I can’t even remember who I used to be…

You see, there’s this absolute anguish around not being able to return to a place or time or experience we used to have. It’s part of what makes grief so terrible. We think of not being able to go back as a very, very bad thing.

BUT. Snake Gully told me this as I criss-crossed the creek and scampered over rocks:

You can’t climb down me and then go back up in exactly the same way. There’s no set path. There’s actually no right or wrong way to go. As long as you can see where it’s safe to walk, then it’s fine.

My paths don’t look the same from below as they do above. Some paths are visible; others are not. You might need to take the steep path up and away from the creek for a while because from where you stand, there’s no obvious way through.

There might be some hints of what move to make next, but there’s no guarantee. You have to try it out for yourself and see if the ground is solid/unslippery enough for you to pass. And when you return, good luck finding your original path! Take the route that makes sense and don’t worry about the rest.

Our western world is all about making experiences repeatable.

Same, same. NO different.

We build our cities on grids so it’s harder to get lost. We signpost everything. We create franchises and malls that look alike the world over. We grow up thinking we can do the same things we’ve always done and the way we’ve always done them. And most of us do just that.

Part of the distress of trauma and PTSD is that it destroys what was. ALL the pathways you knew are gone. All the experiences of life as safe and happy. There’s nowhere to turn, no safe haven (or so it seems for the longest time).

This is part of what breaks us: we think we need this sameness to function and without it, we’re lost.

The process of healing has taught me that you really can’t ever go back and damn it, I don’t WANT to anymore.

Whoever I was before, that version of me is nowhere near as powerful, self-assured, confident and courageous as the person I am now.

So, we learn to function without our previous pathways and patterns. We find new ones and we see that yes, we can get by.

Actually, we don’t just get by. We thrive. And see that change is a good thing, even on an everyday basis.

Change doesn’t matter in the end because when the previous layer or path is peeled away, there’s always something else just waiting for us.

~ Svasti

Writing retreat report: I’m back!

Tags

Enter your zip code here, far-far-away, hiking, Meditation, Nature, Snake Gully, writing a book, writing retreat, Yoga

Here I am! Back from my very own Cabin in the Woods (see what I did there? A little Wheedon call out)! Or as we call it here in Australia: the bush.

We probably do have what can be referred to as woods somewhere, but mostly what we have are bushlands.

I had an absolutely MARVELOUS time! Honestly. A long-overdue reunion with very good friends; an eight-sided cabin that had everything I needed, including a kitchen, table to eat/write at, bed, couch to lounge/read/write on, bedroom, bathroom, compost loo and a wrap-around balcony. Plus endless views of bushlands and all their wild and furry residents.

And, an ancient girl dog named Jack.

And… wow, to quote The Castle – you can feel the serenity – waking, walking and living in such an incredibly unspoiled piece of nature brought my body and mind into balance so quickly and completely.

Of course, the first couple of days of my writing retreat I did very little writing. Much of it was about decompressing, catching up on sleep (always needed by AI types), and the aforementioned re-balancing. This wasn’t just a writing retreat – it was also a break for me to relax and rejuvenate my health a little, far-far-awayyyy.

So there was much napping, although never at sunrise. A cabin without curtains with a view to the east means waking up early. Which just felt natural and gentle. Probably because I was often in bed by 9:30pm.

There was much yoga-ing, meditation and chanting (or what I like to call heart singing). Lots of cups of tea and reading books. A few little sessions of note taking. Sleeping. Eating. Talking to my friends over evening meals.

To begin with, there was also lots of fear. And resistance to too much structure. Which reminded me of the deal I struck with myself when I first started blogging: just write. Don’t worry about how good it is or not, just write what needs to be written.

Some writers are perhaps more structured and disciplined. I don’t really know. But for me, the only way to write it is to inhabit it. And the contemplation of what I had to do – go back into some of my not so pleasant experiences – was scaring me even more than trying to write a bloody book plan.

Ha. My book plan is approximately two pages of hand written notes, some of which are drawings for diagrams I want to have designed.

Anyway… the first two days weren’t very productive but eventually I turned that around.

Some mornings I woke up and thinking it was much later than it was. Because even a lie in, some (non-related) reading and the making of food, it’d still be only 9:30am.

I also took some lovely walks, reacquainting myself with the land. My first was down to Snake Gully.

It’s funny how moving your body like that (cross the creek a few times, climb a few hills and over some rocks, then later up a waterfall) can help a person to wake up in the head. Being completely surrounded by nature with no man-made world sounds… there’s lessons to be learnt if you’ll only look and listen.

Which I did. Snake Gully had some things to tell me that I needed for my book. Yep, that’s another post coming soon, too.

I spent a lot of time moving from spot to spot for my writing work. Couch, table, bed. Repeat. It kind of all depended on the day and the subject matter.

There was always more yoga and chanting. One day the weather was so glorious, that there was yoga on the deck.

Eventually I hit my stride with my writing, finally realising that it didn’t matter the order in which order I wrote my book. The first chapter didn’t have to come out first! So I wrote whatever came to mind, for sorting out later.

On Thursday, I got a LOT done. My friends had both gone down the hill for another trip to Albury, so it was just me and Jack the dog, all alone atop the hill. Which is sometimes what you need as a writer: everyone else’s energy out of your immediate vicinity.

Friday morning – end of the trip growing nearer – I was unimpressed to wake up and realise I’d been having a dream about work. Gah!! I guess my sub-conscious was gearing up for the return home, ahead of schedule. Boo.

We had a lot of rain on the Friday; perfect stay-inside writer’s weather. First thing in the morning when I went outside there were some Ruby Roos (my childish name for kangaroos!) just down the hill…

And having felt like I’d done a HEAP the previous day, I slacked off and watched a movie on my laptop, while listening to the wind and the rain and drinking tea.

Making a sweet potato, bacon and veggie stir fry…

Cutting more wood…

And a little writing. But mostly I was waiting for the end of the day because I was going down the hill WOO HOO! My friend and I were going to one of the local pubs for some dinner and a bit of fun on the “town”.

Finally, it was going home day. Still almost a full day here on the hill. I did everything slowly: yoga, walking, wood chopping, cooking, eating, writing, and writing.

The book is a goodly way along the track, but far from finished yet. There’s more to finesse and probably a truckload of editing, and that’s before I let anyone else see it. Then there’ll be feedback from people I trust, more editing, designing and eventually a finished product.

So much excitement. And there’s more writing retreat-related posts to come. Quite a few, actually!

~ Svasti

Other posts inspired by my retreat

• An ode to Snake Gully
• Writing a book is a topsy-turvy thing
• Life lessons from managing a fireplace
• Waterfalls sound like the Universe
• I’m off on a writing retreat!

I’m off on a writing retreat!

Tags

Albury, Awayyyy, bushland, Charlotte Almond, ebook, faeries, kangaroos, koalas, lizards, nature sprites, PTSD, snakes, tea sipping, Trauma, wombats, Writing, writing retreat, Yoga

See this?

This gorgeous, rustic building is up a hill (accessible via 4WD only), in the middle of nowhere-ville. Okay, so it’s actually a few hours east of Albury.

Wild animals (wombats, snakes, lizards, koalas, kangaroos etc) live there. So do faeries and nature sprites (for realz, I’ve encountered them before!).

For ages and ages, I’ve been trying to get at least one book out of my head. Y’see, there’s a couple of ’em living up there at the moment… but it’s not always easy to do that kind of work when you’re distracted by your crazy busy everyday life.

A while back, The Divine Ms N sent out an email to her Yoga Mafia (read: newsletter subscribers!) with a super-generous offer from one of her contacts – a limited number of exceptionally affordable life coaching sessions.

Soon as I saw the offer I jumped right on it. JUMPED, I tell you. Because as I’ve alluded to already, there’s a few Really Big (Positive) Things going on for me. It’s all quite exciting and overwhelming, and I knew this offer of life coaching sessions had my name all over it.

Which is how I came to meet Charlotte Almond, who is an extremely lovely and canny lady. I can highly recommend her services, and will write more about her soon enough.

Together we worked through some of my Really Big Things, but also, laid down some powerful and practical steps I could take towards my Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

One of those steps is writing my ebook! It’ll be practical advice for those who are trying to recover from PTSD/trauma. Because trauma’s a bitch, recovery is freakin’ tough AND there really isn’t enough out there by folks who’ve been through it all.

And I can write this now, since I’m no longer in trauma myself!

However, to really be able to write down the bones of it all, I need to get outta town. Awayyyyy from my hectic job. Awayyyy from my home, which is comfortably hermit-like and filled with books I like to read etc etc. Awayyyyy even, from the internet and Facebook and Twitter (*ahem* says the digital media addict).

Anyhow, I was hunting for a place to get awayyyyy to. And I’d sort of forgotten that my friends (whom I haven’t seen in years) have this retreat space on their beautiful virgin bushland property. Up a hill in the middle of nowhere.

It was only when I posted a Facebook status asking for recommendations of cheap get-away places that my friends said, Ummmm, what about our place?

DOH!

Maybe because it’d been so many years between visits (I don’t have a car now and their place really is in the middle of nowhere), I simply didn’t think it was polite to ask. Also, I suppose there’s a part of me that’s become so used to being self-sufficient that I’m not accustomed to people being this generous with me. Even when they are, a lot. I don’t expect it, I guess.

However in a subsequent phone call, I was told very plainly that I don’t even need to call ahead. Just turn up. There’s always a place for me.

Wow, right? I have some awesome friends.

So I’ll be away for the next week. Living in an octagon-shaped room with a view of nothing but trees and enveloped in the sounds of nature. Doing yoga, eating whole foods, drinking copious amounts of tea and writing like a woman on a mission. Which I am.

Have to confess that I’m a touch nervous about it all, because writing this book will require some digging and re-visiting. But I’m strong and well now, and it’s all for a good cause. There might, however, be vomit. And tears.

When I return, there’ll be a mountain of editing to do. Then finding a designer to make it look pretty, and putting it all together. But how exciting to crow-bar all those words from my over-crowded brain, huh?

Also: a lil Spring clean!

So in case you’re looking at this post in an RSS reader or via email, I’ve just neatened up the blog. In the southern hemisphere, we’re on the verge of Spring, so a spring clean is appropriate: I’ve applied a fresh new template, tidied up my left hand column and so on. I’m loving the new look!

Enjoy your week, and I’ll check in on the flip side.

Wishing you all lots of creative inspiration!

~Svasti xxx

Other posts inspired by my retreat

• Writing retreat report: I’m back!
• An ode to Snake Gully
• Writing a book is a topsy-turvy thing
• Life lessons from managing a fireplace
• Waterfalls sound like the Universe