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Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

~ Recovery from PTSD & depression + yoga, silliness & poetry…

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

Tag Archives: Acupuncture

Life doesn’t stop for toilet breaks

05 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Acupuncture, Ayurveda, Baraka, coconut water, cranio-sacral osteopathy, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Healing, jasmine, Kinesiology, kirtan, Yoga

Yes, I am getting better.

No, I really can’t tell you how or what or why. Only that it is, and more than anything I’ve ever done this healing work is Very Strange.

Mostly because the results aren’t ever what I expect them to be, even when I’ve got a good idea about some of the related particulars.

So I keep thinking – I really wanna write about that… – before the moment(s) pass and I know that somehow, even though it IS interesting, it just isn’t what I want to say.

So instead I say nothing, and like one of those pseudo-documentary movies (remember Baraka?) everything moves and there is beauty and sadness and incredibly distinct experiences and yet… I can’t seem to find the remote for this life, the one with the pause button that’ll give me a few more minutes to write what I see before the scene changes.

Life doesn’t really stop for toilet breaks, does it?

We’re working here, you know that, right? It’s a deconstruction zone but not the kind that leaves rubble and mayhem. What I’m getting instead are whiffs of jasmine and incense and easeful transitions in areas of my world that are wholly surprising.

To tell it straight might sound like one cliché after another, I think. It’d also be a great disservice to the entire process.

What’s working? Lots of things. But as I said, it’s been about throwing spaghetti for me. So is one thing working more than another? Probably. If I tried to guess though, I’m sure I’d be wrong. Like my approach, it’s possibly a bit of everything, and I’m good with that.

But to be clear(ish) it’s these things: kinesiology; Ayurveda; lots of yoga (of course); developing routine sleeping and eating habits; insane amounts of coconut water; cranio-sacral osteopathy (madly esoteric? why, yes!); acupuncture; kirtan (singing sacred words with joy bursting forth from my heart and tears rolling down my face).

That’s a bit of a montage, isn’t it? Yet, what’s going on is – MORE. So much more energy that I’ve felt a little bit crazy, since I haven’t felt this good in a very long time (and we’re not done yet!). More strength, more vigour, more happiness. And LESS: anxiety; mood swings; insomnia and other related madness.

Then, unexpected things happen.

But as it turns out, not actually as disconnected as it might initially seem. For example, a gradual release of long-held angst – for all sorts of reasons – towards my very own ma and pa.

All part of the healing work, and oddly amusing in its own way.

That’d be the next post, though. 😉

~ Svasti

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Broken stress reaction = suckage

17 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by Svasti in Post-traumatic stress

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Acupuncture, amber alert, Anxiety, defense mechanisms, Emergency Essence, Faulty stress reaction, impending doom, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, PTSD goodie-bag, siege, Stress, sub-conscious, WD40

The ‘on’ switch is jammed and I can’t get it to turn off.

I learnt this enhanced fight or flight reaction from my PTSD, from the night that bastard chose to pummel my face, push me around and terrorise me.

My body knows what my mind can’t compute  because it’s busy trying to shield me from the shock of what’s going on. It loudly announces: DOOM! IMPENDING AND IMMINENT DOOM! FAAAARK! DOOM!!

This message carries its evidence in my throat, heart, lungs, solar plexus and belly. It can be hard to breathe. I cough a lot and my chest feels like it’s under incredible pressure. My guts shimmer and swirl and it’s as though I’ve eaten too much fairy floss. I feel sick. I get the runs. I can’t shake the feeling that something VERY BAD is about to happen any freakin’ moment.

Except.

That moment? The one where I really was in some pretty extreme danger is over. It’s been over for years. Anyone who’s read this blog knows how much work I’ve put into making all of that past tense.

But my body still remembers what to do. How to respond. That hyper-vigilance one gets in the PTSD goodie-bag isn’t going to stop just because my conscious and logical mind is cool with everything. Damn it, my body is gonna STAY ready (just in case, okay?).

Because of this, I find myself unwittingly prepared for a siege when there aren’t even any invaders to be reckoned with. If I get stressed or anxious about something – BOOM – my body takes that as a signal to get the defense mechanisms ready. While there’s no need to pull up the drawbridge and hunker down – you just try telling that to my sub-conscious!

Although it’s not just that the ‘on’ switch is jammed. The other thing is that there’s only one speed – go for broke.

And I can’t tell you how much it sucks.

For example, several weeks ago I went for the job interview (for the job I now have). The interview went well, obviously. I had nothing to be worried about but for whatever reason, I was stressed. Possibly because I was so hopeful that I’d get the damn job, but who knows!

Anyway, on the tram on my way home I started noticing the tightness in my throat. Here we go again…

Then there was last night. If you were on Twitter while I was ranting, you’d know what I’m talking about but I seriously don’t have the energy to rehash it all here.

However, unlike my job interview-induced stress, last night’s was a doozy. A genuinely stressful experience with a fall-out zone across multiple areas of my life. Let’s just say it has to do with yoga, although not yoga teaching.

Yoga is one of the main stabilising forces in my life so for something to go askew there, it’s big.

Couldn’t sleep last night as a result and then all of today I’ve been doing whatever I can to calm my inner sentries and get them to stand down from active duty. Because when it’s all guns blazing my body really, really hurts.

The kicker is, while I know I’m okay, my body insists on it’s own version of events because it refuses to be caught unawares this time ’round.

So consequently all of today I’ve felt like shit. Even doing some front-end coding (which I usually find very calming) didn’t really help. Neither did all of the Emergency Essence I sucked back. Eating some fresh fruit, drinking plenty of water and having a giggle at some YouTube videos was good. So was my acupuncture appointment (which I’d rescheduled from last week – talk about great timing!).

Although I’m doing better now, I’m not 100% okay. My body hasn’t calmed down completely – let’s just say it’s currently on amber alert. Hopefully by tomorrow morning when I’m still alive and unharmed, my inner sergeant will call “at ease” to the troops.

This is very difficult to explain if you haven’t experienced this for yourself – hence the description of the jammed ‘on’ switch. That’s kind of what it’s like. I’ve sprayed on some WD40 and I’m working that switch back and forth. It’s starting to budge a little but it won’t move back into the ‘off’ position entirely. Not just yet.

So I’ll just keep on working it with whatever tools seem to make sense, and it’ll get there in the end. Damn you, faulty stress reaction!

~Svasti

(Note to self: Must get faulty stress reaction serviced. This is something for Kerry and I to explore at our next appointment!)

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Stuff for which there’s no simile or analogy

17 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Acupuncture, analogy, deconstruction, fairy floss, Healing, Kinesiology, quivery, shimmery shakiness, simile, stillness, Stuff To Be Dealt With, Super-Duper Unstuck, Uddiyana bandha

Sometimes healing is not like anything else. There’s no simile, no analogy, no poetic prose or otherwise words or actions to express those shifts occurring, wherever it is they occur.

Do they happen in the body somewhere? Do they really? I wonder about such things on occasion because it feels like this puny bag of skin, blood and bones is too minor to hold all of that. Perhaps like a radio, we receive the signal but don’t originate it? Perhaps…

I’m really trying to tell you something right now, but the words aren’t there. I could make something up that in some way, might offer the palest of reflections but it wouldn’t really be it – the what’s going on – if you know what I mean.

What I can tell you is this. Seems (according to my body anyway) I’m in a hurry to resolve a whole BUNCH of stuff. Lots. And preferably all of it right now, thank you very much. So much so that I’m making both conscious and sub/unconscious decisions that lead me right up to the very edge of the pit of Stuff To Be Dealt With.

Lots of stuff. Heck, ALL my stuff!

Okay, here’s one: it tastes a bit like fairy floss: sweet; gone almost before you register the flavour; mythical and more-ish. Can you ever really describe what it tastes like or how it feels in your mouth as it melts into nowhere?

This week I’ve lined up a bumper crop of activities. A five mornings in a row workshop on the cultivation of uddiyana bandha, kinesiology and acupuncture. All working on the Stuff (not that I knew it until a couple of hours ago, when I chuckle-snorted my way into acknowledgement).

And so while I might look all calm and chilled to the untrained eye, what’s really going on is this: quivery, shimmery shakiness; re-routing; deconstruction of wastelands; gentle encouragement; deep diving; much stillness; and connecting all the friggin’ dots.

What all of that adds up to is Healing. And getting Super-Duper Unstuck. Well, a bit more anyway!

Preparing the way for that bright, shiny new Future I’ve been talking about lately. The one where I have a plan.

Can’t stay long here, not even to edit so please excuse any roughness to this post. It’s 9.30pm and I’ve gotta get my ass into bed so I can cheerfully arise at 5am. For yoga, bliss and love.

~Svasti xoxo (coming to you with big hugs and kisses from some outpost galaxy where stuff just fucking unfolds entirely magically and literally)

P.S. ENORMOUS ups to Kerry, the magical kinesiology chick!

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11 things I just don’t need #reverb10

17 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Svasti in Writing prompts

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#reverb10, Acupuncture, Anxiety attacks, Courage, Cycling, Fear of rejection, Grief, Kinesiology, Procrastination, rampant consumerism, squatter’s rights

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
~ December 11 prompt

  1. Clinging to the past
    Bah! That past stuff, whether it’s limiting self-beliefs, traumatic events or anything else that’s been holding me back. Can’t say divesting myself of these ghosts will be easy but I’m prepared to keep at it. In my arsenal is kinesiology, acupuncture, cycling and of course, yoga (both as a student and a teacher).
    This year has proven that these things get results. Next year I’m keeping steady on my course with this work…
  2. Fear of rejection
    My basic assumption is that no one but NO ONE could be looking at me. Not in that way. I’ll happily play a gauche game of eye contact hockey with a cute guy across a room (which actually happened just last week), but I completely fail when it comes to having the courage to just say “hi”. Lame. Gotta get my courage on!
  3. That extra 10kg I’m wearing
    Not quite as slinky as a silk negligee but more intimately involved with my body… that layer of grief and sadness I’ve been hauling around, well that HAS to go. So I’ll be upping my daily quotient of sun salutes (which are awesome for the metabolism and digestion) and trying my hand once again at a little interval jogging.
  4. Debts
    I’ve already covered this one I believe…
  5. Grief
    I know it might be asking a little much, and I’m not too sure if there’s anything I can do about it. I’m thinking it’s up to the universe really… but I’d just LOVE a break from the grief. Fuck, it’s been five long years of hauling my ass out of desperate times and a whole twelve months without any fresh crap would be such a relief.
  6. Procrastination
    Aren’t we all acquainted with procrastination? Do we all intend to do something about it? When did I pencil that in to my diary again?? 😉
    Seriously though, I’ve learned the only way to deal with putting things off is to do them right away. Of course, that’s not always possible but ya gotta try, right?
  7. Anxiety attacks
    Gargh! If you’re not too clear on what happens when someone has an anxiety attack, it can often result in horrible chest pains, a racing heartbeat and feelings of doom and despair. They last for hours or days, and often arrive with no warning. In my case, they most often happen when I’m really stressed.
    I’ve had so many of them now that I almost roll my eyes when the symptoms appear. Not that it lessens their intensity, but at least I know what they are now.
    I think this will be one of the things I work on with my kinesiology appointments in the new year. Otherwise, I’m not sure how to fix my stress reaction (which appears to be somewhat broken).
  8. Excess possessions
    I’m pretty much on a mission to get rid of all the stuff with squatter’s rights at my place that I don’t absolutely need. It goes hand in hand with my plan to abscond from the western world of rampant consumerism. I’ll be working room by room and getting ruthless, then employing the likes of eBay, Gumtree, charity bins and maybe even garage sales. It’s all gotta go!
  9. Foods I eat that I KNOW don’t work for me
    I don’t believe I have any really serious food allergies as such, but I do know that eating wheat causes me to feel bloated and tight in the belly. Almost like I’m so full that I might burst. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. Cheese is another one that doesn’t seem to go down well once I’ve eaten it (oh, beautiful blue cheese and brie!!).
    Really, if I’m serious about treating myself with more respect, then I’ll pay attention to this before I do end up with food allergies!
  10. Staying up late
    This is one of my all-time love-hate things I do to myself. I know I don’t cope with getting up early unless I’ve had a full eight hours sleep. I also know that I LIKE to get up early to fit some yoga in before work. Being a pitta-kappha constitution, early mornings also work better for my mind. And yet, I’ll sit up late regardless and get by on seven or even six hours sleep. By Friday night, I’m exhausted and over-sleep on the weekends if I can get away with it.
    None of this is what you’d describe as productive. In fact, I wrote most of this post in the shadows of the midnight hour. Doh!
    Part of resolving this one is managing my time better in the evenings. Going out less during the week, spending less time mooching about on my laptop and taking a stronger commitment to doing the right thing by my body and mind.
  11. My hermit tendencies
    Honestly, I’m concerned that I spend too much time alone. I like my own company and how stress-free alone time is. But I could do with a little balance in that department. I figure though, that if I keep my teaching work going then I’ll naturally be involved with more people. Dunno what else I’m gonna do about it. Kirtan is my main social activity other than teaching yoga. Should I join another social group? Hmmm…

~Svasti

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The skinny on Shadow Yoga – part 1

21 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by Svasti in Yoga

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Acupuncture, Asana, churning, connectedness, massage, orgasm, physio, Prasarita Padottanasana, Prelude, Shadow Yoga, undone, Yoga, Yogasana

True story: If my shoulder could’ve had an orgasm in yoga class tonight, it WOULD’VE!!

Sure, I hear what you’re saying – that’s possibly way too much information for some of you, and certainly for the opening line of a post, right? Okay, okay! Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself here.

BUT seriously folks, this injured shoulder of mine has not had the sort of release it got this evening in the entire time it’s been injured. I’ve tried all kinds of yoga and stretching of course, massage, acupuncture and physio. Truly, I’ve tried a lot of things. And tonight oh, tonight… I found the asana that makes all the difference – the rehab manoeuvre that brings incredible relief (it is of course, still mangled but this REALLY helps). And riding my bike home, so happy was I that I cried and I screamed and hence the opening line of this post! *giggles*

(The asana in question by the way, is a form of Prasarita Padottanasana where each arm clasps the opposite leg while you hold a deep forward bend. I tried to find a photo of it but couldn’t! It makes sense that it helps though: the shoulder is moving in the opposite direction than it normally does and it’s both intense and very releasing! YAY!)

So anyway, this is my next attempt to talk about Shadow Yoga, in a much less poetic, more straightforward manner. Let’s see how that goes, shall we?

I took the above photo with my mobile phone camera before going into class tonight. Just off the main drag of my lil burgh. Once through the door you head up two flights of an old wooden staircase with a large studio off to the right and a smaller one to the left. Luckily, I mostly get to work in the larger one which faces the street with its incoming tram and traffic noise. Not that it matters in that wide-open wooden floor-boarded room…

I’ve been practicing Shadow Yoga for about seven months now. It’s been a bit of a progression through the introduction course, then the introduction to Preludes, before the actual Preludes themselves (which are before the full-on asana practice!).

You see, Shadow Yoga takes quite a different view of asana than almost any other school I’ve come across. Their view is that most of the asana found in your average yoga class is actually quite advanced, because it requires a lot of knowledge about how to move the body and the joints that just isn’t taught in said average yoga class. And so a Shadow Yoga class doesn’t look much like any asana class you’ve ever been in before, and it is incredibly detailed!

There is pre-asana asana, there’s a lot of focus on breaking movements down in minute detail, placing awareness in the joints and the bones, and a huge focus on Uddiyana Bandha. And yet it is very hard work! Really hard, no matter how much yoga you’ve done before.

There’s a series of forms to learn, kind of like they have in kung fu (although the moves are yoga-ish, not kung fu-ish) and they’re very specific. Nothing it seems, is included in a Shadow Yoga form without purpose. And part of the work is unravelling what everything means to you – letting the forms wash over you and play out in your mind and body.

And how.

A couple of weeks back, I had to work out if I was going to step up into my first Prelude class or stay where I was in the Prelude Introduction series. You might think that given my years of yoga experience, I’d just naturally want to move forward, but… not necessarily. There’s so much to learn!

Because I couldn’t make up my mind, I had quite an involved phone conversation with the teacher I’d been working with up til now (moving forward would also mean a change of teacher – hello attachment issues!). And I confessed that I always find myself feeling excited but also just a little bit terrified before every class.

She asked me why – and to be honest, I hadn’t even tried to answer that one for myself before her question.

So I was surprised to find myself saying this: Because I never know how I’m going to leave each class. Sometimes I want to cry, or throw up, or I feel really energised. And sometimes I just feel completely undone and not sure what to do with myself. I don’t even know how to write about it all properly right now, and I’ve tried…

In response, she said: Well you know that Shadow Yoga is a physical form and that it also works on your organs and your energy/chi. But it ALSO works on your emotional body, and if it’s churning up so much stuff for you like that, then you know the practice is working. So it’s a good thing to feel terrified…

!!DING!! [That’s the sound of lights turning on in my squishy lil brain]

Because of what we talked about (a lot more than just the above snippet), I eventually decided that I’d move into the Prelude class. But also, I’ve found a way to start explaining Shadow Yoga to myself (and any readers of this blog) more succinctly. And while I still find each class incredibly exciting, I’m not quite as terrified any more (even if I still find myself in some state of un-done-ness at the end). It’s all good!

To summarise, and before I dig deeper into my explanation, Shadow Yoga is the nitty gritty of yogasana. It’s a very serious and intense class, and yet we often laugh. We work without yoga mats for better grip and more connectedness and yes… that’s how I’d put it… Shadow Yoga is connectedness like no other kind of asana class I’ve come across to date.

What’s in a shadow anyway? Light falls onto an object, a shadow sits behind the object or form. Hidden. But does that make it insubstantial or unimportant? I think not! A shadow is the underside, that which we don’t normally pay attention to. But if there was no light, there’d be no shadow. So it’s the other side of what’s seen and known. The less obvious, but part of the same.

[Read part 2]

~Svasti

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Stagnation aint pretty

18 Thursday Sep 2008

Posted by Svasti in Life Rant

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Acupuncture, Jobless, Spleen, Stagnation, TCM, Traditional Chinese Medicine, Virus

Earlier this week I got jacked off that I’ve been sick since I came home from Thailand. Actually I was sick in Thailand too, on and off and just a little bit. I think coming from that very warm and relaxed environment to the cold and chilly environs of Melbourne made things 100x times worse.

Today I took myself to see my acupuncturist. I haven’t been to see him before now, because at first I thought this was just an ordinary cold. Also money is tight, and I don’t have a car now so getting around isn’t as easy. But once I got my second and more disgusting ear infection, and I realised I was STILL sick, I’d had enough.

So, braving the chilly day here (what is it with Melbourne weather anyway, bloody sunshiny and gorgeous one day and fucking freezing the next!!??!!) I took a bus, then a train. Then realised I got off the train a stop too soon and walked the rest of the way. And finally arrived at my acupuncturist’s offices.

He’s a funny guy my acupuncture dude. He couldn’t look less like a practitioner of Chinese Medicine if he tried, but he’s incredibly good. Think Greek and very woggy looking and sounding and you have it. Thick gold jewellery, hair with a minor oil slick. That’s my man.

But he’s very knowledgeable and talented. Most TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) doctors will take your pulse, look at your tongue and your eyes. But my dude, he also reads palms. And in ways not discernable to my eyes, he uses my palms to tell me things about myself. Accurate things. So I like my Greek TCM guy.

Today he says oh you’ve got a lot of cold in your body created by wind. But its also creating some heat in your spleen. Not good. We’ve gotta draw that out. Well otherwise you’re looking good. I can see you’ve lost weight. Your emotions are doing much better too. Don’t worry, we’ll sort this out. Those doctors don’t know what they’re on about, pumping you full of antibiotics and hoping for the best. You’ve gotta get to the cause of the problem. There’s damp in your guts and a virus has taken up residence. We have to kick him out. Its causing stagnation and that’s why you’re not getting any better. Don’t worry, we’ll get him.

He uses the cups first, these funny little bubble shaped glass contraptions which are heated and placed strategically all over my back. Then I flip over and he attacks my abdomen with the cups, sticks a needle in my left leg near my knee, in my right leg near my ankle, in my right hand near my thumb and two in my ear.

Apparently the needles are to support the spleen, help clear the way for more nutrients from my food to get into my system and… I’m not sure what the rest were now.

He talks to me about the tattoo I got in Thailand (must post about that here!), and is excited to hear about the process. And Thailand. He must like places like Thailand because his rooms are like a furnace, so warm I have to strip my outer layers off the moment I get in there. And little beads of sweat form on my upper lip.

At least it’s cosy when I take half my clothes off for this treatment.

He prescribes some herbs. You’re all run down he says. We have to get this ear sorted out and then in a few weeks we need to build you up again. Get your immune system functional.

Right on!

As I’m leaving, he’s busy telling me to rug up, approving of my huge scarf but where’s my beanie, I should have a beanie. Chat chat chat like a little old lady.

Heading to the station I think of that word – stagnation – and that’s a pretty good summary of life since I came back here. Thing is, I’m not sure what to do about it.

I didn’t get that job I really wanted. Oh, it was a tough decision, you’re really great, got lots of experience and our shortlist was longer than we expected. We’d like to keep you in the loop as we keep growing… yeah sure, except that you and I both know that aint gonna happen.

So whilst I do have enough money at the moment to keep me going, I’m getting a little worried now. Usually, when I’m following the flow I’m meant to be following, things happen easily. Like when I originally moved from Sydney back to Melbourne and it was jobs galore on offer and I got the one I wanted lickety split.

And when I was deciding to quit that job and pack everything in, it all seemed to be the right thing to do. Jobs in Melbourne for the line of work I’m in seemed to be plentiful. But not now.

Now, I’m stuck living in one of the most out of the way places, with my parents who don’t really want me here messing up their routine lives, with no car, no job and a dwindling bank balance. And ofcourse, I’ve pretty much been sick in one way or another for five weeks now.

I just don’t get it. I mean, I’m learning alot about myself and what I want, what makes me happy. But I’m limited in what I can do because of my current circumstances. I’m working real hard to get a job and good lord – anyone should be delighted to have me. I’m a geek/new media junkie/creative type etc. I’m passionate about my work and damn it, I’m good.

But still, it seems it’s all stagnated. And I don’t know what the key is to unlock this current stasis…

~Svasti

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