No post tonight, I think…

Tags

anniversary, asana. meditation, Krishna Das, Love, PTSD, shock

Sunset over Hampton Beach, Melbourne

When I eventually fell into bed last night, I was awash with tears. Even now I’m not sure why I was crying: relief, body memories replaying their ghostly remnants, sadness, regret, shock… maybe all of the above. Maybe something else all together?

I also found myself unable to sleep and I think if I managed five hours last night, I was very lucky. It was probably less than that.

I WAS shocked and surprised to discover the timing of things last night. Those little voices I hear sometimes are ridiculously spot on: ‘Go and check the date, y’know, THAT date!’

So I did, and there it was. I guess I felt a bit like I’d just reached the summit of some mountain I’d been relentlessly climbing for the longest time… so long that I’d forgotten really, that I was actually still climbing. Just one foot in front of the other and then, oh!! a whole different ball game.

And today I feel rather fragile. Like I don’t really know what. Like I need to somehow mark this day, in honour of those days that were so very grim. I remember, oh yes. Oh god do I remember!!

So, after work I’m gonna see if I can arrange a massage or a facial or both. And then I think there will be some asana and some meditation. I really need to check in with myself on the deepest possible level.

I do feel brave and good about where I’m at now, but I also can’t escape this dual feeling of not quite believing it all happened and YET knowing very well that it did.

So no post tonight, just this small one from my iPhone instead, while I listen to some Krishna Das.

Wishing you all well, and sending lots of love out there because it’s the one thing no one can ever say they have too much of…

~Svasti

Happy 5 year anniversary to me!

Tags

anniversary, Assault, Depression, Healing, Memory loss, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Therapy

Shhhh! Did you notice the date? The time? I did, but only just.

Five years ago tonight and roughly around this time, this was happening.

Yep…

I don’t have time to write about it tonight. Because I’ve just finished writing a post on Facebook, sort of “coming out” to a whole bunch of people in my life that I’ve never really told the full story to. I also told a short-hand version of the story on Twitter – that’s another whole bunch of people there I’ve never told, either. Well, except for those who follow me on Twitter from this blog!

I’m not de-cloaking my Svasti identity though…it’s sort of an open secret these days I suspect, but as long as it remains separate from my professional life, then it’s all good.

I never told most people in my life because I used to be terribly embarrassed and ashamed about being assaulted.  And then eventually, I simply couldn’t remember who I’d told and who I hadn’t – it’s a memory loss thing associated with having PTSD.

Anyway. Five years. And wow, SUCH a five years it’s been. Of course, life hasn’t been anything like I expected it might be. I thought by now I’d have met the man of my dreams and perhaps even have had a child or two. But no. In fact, I’ve barely managed to date at all in this time and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had sex (no dirty puns, please!! Hahahaha!!)

Nope. Life has given me a handful of 360 degree shifts instead. I’m still not entirely sure where I’m at as a result, but mostly I think I’m better off. I can barely believe I’m writing that, but I think it’s true.

Anyway, more on all of this soon. Just not tonight.

I’m feeling a bit weepy now that I’ve noticed this milestone. Generally speaking I haven’t paid attention to my “anniversary” dates at all. Most of them have gone by without raising so much as a blip on my radar. But for some reason tonight, I was prompted to check the date (one of those little voices in my head – so I had to look it up) and there it was. Today. Right now.

*gulp*

Yeah… time to go to bed. Process. I’ll chat to y’all about this maybe tomorrow night.

But one more thing before I finish this post… the next five years? I reckon they’re gonna blow the last five OUT OF THE WATER!

~Svasti xoxo

P.S. Here’s to all those out there dealing with PTSD, depression and/or any other mental health issues. Keep on fighting, digging deep and working your butt off, because life can get better eventually!!