The planning of my own outing

Tags

Anonymous, cloak of anonymity, Courage, nom de plume, outing, strength, vulnerability is my power base, willpower

I intend to write this book under my own name. But, I don’t want the readers of this blog to not know, or have to guess who I am.

So it seems that my nom de plume has almost outlived its usefulness.

I needed it very much when I began writing this blog, for everything I had to say was so raw. And the courage to write what I wanted to write required a shield, which I gave myself with this cloak of anonymity.

I’ve been writing this blog for over four years now, and actually, these days my identity is a bit of an open secret. Mostly because I’ve made so many wonderful friends via blogging: reading other blogs, and having others read mine.

Already, I’ve met several of my blog friends in real life, and there are more such real-life meetings to come!

Some of these friendships have lasted, while others have not. There are other people who still read this blog that I’d like to to be better friends with, but to be honest, it’s those friendships that haven’t worked that cause me to hesitate.

But really, only because I don’t wish to be outed before I’m ready, and even though the pool of people who know me already is probably more than I’d like, I’ll still try to contain things a little longer.

In recent times, I’ve held on to my semi-anonymous state because it didn’t feel right to change it, and also because I didn’t want people from my 9-5 job to know such intimate details about me.

But that was then. When I was fearful of my own vulnerability.

Before I realised that in fact, my vulnerability is my power base.

That having lived through what I have, I am stronger when I reveal the truth of my experiences.

For there is no weakness in dealing with adversity. Only strength.

For whatever reason, it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through it. Which is very annoying. But to make it through to the other side? Requires such strength, courage and willpower.

Then, it takes time for your own power to be revealed to yourself.

You don’t have to be a super-hero, only really, really determined.

Because I’m just like everyone else. Not imbued with extra abilities. What I’ve done in my journey of recovery? Is available to anyone who wants it.

So. I’m preparing for my own self-outing. I’m not clear on the timing yet, but it’ll be soon-ish. Because I want to be able to link my journey with the book I’m writing.

In order for people to know that actually, you can rise up from the worst experiences of your life.

And when you do? You’ll be:

Transformed.

Stronger.

Wiser.

Happier.

More real, more awake and more human than ever before.

~ Svasti

Walking the line

Tags

Anonymous, candidness, Clark Kent, exposed, nom de plume, safety, walking the line, yogadorks

Been feeling kinda shy here on my blog of late. Protective. Little did I know that writing some posts on Swamiji’s passing would draw the number of visitors that it did – a good 600% of my usual traffic!

Then I got a little overexcited on Twitter and created the #yogadorks of the world map… hehe!

Not that I regret those things at all, but there’s a part of me that wants this blog to remain hidden. It’s easier to say what I want to say if I’m over here with only a handful people looking.

I’m not after extensive readership, not for this blog. But maybe I’ll write another one some time under my own name, who knows?

So I’m happy with a handful of readers, just the people who get it, y’know?

However, nowadays there’s more than a few people that know who I am beyond my nom de plume. For the most part I don’t mind so much, I guess. There’s a tiny percentage of people I really really wish I’d never lifted the veil of anonymity for (which makes me even more protective of my identity). But I suspect those don’t folks read my blog any more anyway. I hope!

You never know, though. Thing is, once you’ve given up your real life identity instead of remaining 100% Clark Kent-ish, everything changes. And there are some things I don’t want to change.

Like… noticing that I’ve drawn away from my usual candidness. I see it. I still have a bunch of stories that need to be written and I want to write them, I do. I want to scrape the fetid remnants from their bolthole and set them free! So they can decompose gracefully and no longer cause me sorrow, fear or anger etc.

Writing has and continues to be hugely helpful to work through my stuff, along with yoga and meditation (but of course).

Sometimes I find the act of publishing an intensely personal/painful story affords me a perspective I can’t get when it’s all inside my mind. But to do so takes me to raw and edgy places, and to allow myself such rawness, I need safety.

My blog was created to be that safe place. But lately, I’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable about posting some of the more intense things I want to say. I worry about who is reading, and what I’m sharing in my paradoxical public/private space.

But anyway, I’ve decided it’s time to get on with it! Bite the bullet and remember why I started this blog in the first place. Regardless.

I’ve spun some unfinished tales out over this entire year. Perversely, that makes me feel a little anxious! They need closure… and there’s others I’ve not even hinted at yet. They need to be told, too.

Shadows are far worse than the full light of day. Identifying and revealing my fears, while it may appear petulant, pitiful, immature or whatever… is beneficial in the long run. For me at least. And maybe for those that’ve had similar experiences of human being-ness, too.

So what the heck!

I just hope those who do know the yogini behind the blog… won’t find January’s stories to be too… whatever. If you know what I mean.

~Svasti

My name is Svasti

Tags

Anonymous, Blogging, Creative Writing, Letters From Exile, PTSD, Svasti

La over at Letters from Exile, recently posted “The Tongue-Tied Blogger“. I relate so much to it, I couldn’t contain myself to a couple of paragraphs on La’s blog. 🙂

First of all La – you’re fantastic. And if you’re falling apart, I think those who read your blog are more likely to understand than others. Write what you need to.

I blog anonymously for protection and privacy. I write here in-depth the way I’d never dare verbalise to most people. The content and intensity is scary sometimes.

And I write because this blog is lancing a boil, allowing the pus to seep out so it stops infecting my life, my mind, my body.

It has singularly been the best thing I’ve done for myself other than finding a good therapist.

Yet, if I put my name or face to what I’ve written, I don’t think I could be so open. I know I wouldn’t. I’d be embarrassed beyond belief. So my name is Svasti.

Just like La, whilst you’re privy to intimate thoughts and experiences of mine, you don’t know what I look like or what else goes on in my life. What I’m up to day to day, other thoughts and feelings I don’t share here. These writings are just snapshots in time and space.

A handful of friends have the URL. People I trust. Only some have read what I’ve written. A smaller number have given me feedback. I don’t think any of them subscribe to my RSS feed.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t told anyone. Knowing there’s a chance a friend might be reading causes me to hold back on things I dearly want to write.

Other times, I’m supremely thankful – I could never express half of what I’ve written in person. And it’s very nice to feel like your friends see you, really see where you’re at and what you’re going through.

There’s a part of me that knows some of those friends will judge me, find me wanting. I’m terrified of that. But conversely, some think what I’m doing is fantastic and I know because they tell me so. I have their support.

But unlike La, I’m not ambivalent about my blog. It’s both helped with my healing process and reignited my writing passion. No matter how average it might be! The creative urge drives me to continue and the more I write, the better I feel.

I definitely don’t want my parents to read this blog, ever. They wouldn’t like it at all and they would definitely judge me.

And certainly, I’ve refrained from talking very much about my parents. Partly because I believe no matter what’s happened, how you live your life from there is your choice and responsibility. But also because I love them no matter what.

Sometimes I write about how I feel right now, other times I’m writing of the past. Sometimes its felt like the past is here in the moment thanks to PTSD. But thankfully much of that has subsided thanks to my therapist and a rather large epiphany I had in Thailand.

The challenge here on my anonymous blog, is keeping track of emerging lines of thought: the chronology of the assault; related side issues; other parts of my life; poetry; rants and everything else.

It’s not chapter by chapter neat and orderly. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by stories that seem to have lives of their own.

But I write because I must and I’m glad to have connected with a number of virtual friends in my bloggy pixelated world. Zeros and ones to you all!

~Svasti xoxo