Best laid plans yadda yadda

Tags

40th birthday, Anywhere but here, Bali, debt free, getaway escape, huzzah, Ms Dudley-Do-Right, Sayonara Melbourne farewell tour, vaporised, warring factions

A wee urban double rainbow...

So here’s the latest.

By December, I’ll have saved up the most money I’ve EVER saved in my entire life. This saving has of course been with a plan(s) in mind. Naturally.

Earlier this year I was hoping to attend a yoga retreat with fellow Kali Girrrrl Linda, in Bali. But that didn’t happen. Then, I thought I might make it to a retreat with my Guru mid-year. But my work situation isn’t stable enough for that – I’ve been working from one three month contract to the next since the beginning of March. Then there’s been my health situation which could also be described as unstable.

So this money has just been accumulating in my high interest bank account since then, and about a month or so back, I formed a new idea: to celebrate my 40^th birthday (in December) somewhere I hadn’t been before.

Shit yeah!! Eventually I settled on the idea of going back to Bali but seeing new parts of that beautiful Tantrik island. I’ve got a chronic a case of “anywhere but here” going on and for my birthday, I just wanna be somewhere else, y’know?

But.

My conscious is screaming at me. That grown-up, party-pooping, early to bed, eat the right foods, kiss-ass, sensible, logical, Ms Dudley-Do-Right part of my consciousness. Holy Shiva, sometimes I HATE that voice! Because as much as I want to treat myself for my birthday (since there sure aint anyone else around to do it), my lovely getaway escape idea is in conflict with other goals that are just as dear to my heart.

Like, paying off my debts so I can start saving to get outta town on a more permanent basis.

Crap-balls! Ms Dudley-Do-Right is… arghhh! She’s right!!

I haven’t really talked about it on my blog this year, but since formulating my Grand-Bold-Stupid-Reckless-Awesome-Totally-Kicking-Life-Plan, I’ve been diligently reducing my debts all year long. And despite my outrageous health care bills, I’m actually making headway.

Folks, can I hear a HUZZAH?!!

I put my budgeting success down to spending the bare minimum on clothes and unnecessary “things”, without completely being a miser.

But also, it’s because I cut up my second credit card (the one with the highest interest rate) and haven’t used it at all. The only transactions on that card have been credits and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I see my credit card statement.

That card and its remaining balance are due to be completely vaporised VERY SOON.

Here’s why: I’m yet to visit my accountant, but I know I’ll be getting some $$$ back from this year’s tax return. And those delightful tax return dollars will in all likelihood pay off that card completely.

Here’s the dilemma – all the money I’ve been saving for yoga retreats that didn’t happen (while making regular payments on both cards, mind you) is enough to pay off my other credit card. Now, I’m the first to admit that it’s not as flashy as a holiday, BUT being entirely debt free would be a pretty kick-ass gift to myself for my birthday, right?

And yet, the less grown up kidult within is pouting about this strategy. Because I really, REALLY wanna be somewhere else for my birthday and I haven’t had a proper holiday in forever. Plus, all of my health problems this year have made 2011 kinda sucky…

Of course, another hitch with the holiday idea is that my current contract finishes at the end of November and right now I don’t know if it’ll be extended into the New Year. I continue to look for a more permanent role or longer term contract but so far, no luck (the universe it seems, won’t let me take jobs that are too soul-sucking anymore!). And even if I do have a job, those two weeks I want to be away for would be leave without pay. Meaning I’d have more $$ to cover.

But I think I’ve come up with a workable compromise that might just appease the warring factions of my mind. A shorter trip – five days, which includes two weekend days so I’d only be away from my job (assuming I have one then) for three days. Possibly I can even still go to Bali because the flights are cheap! Or maybe somewhere in Australia I haven’t been before. Hmmm…

I need to investigate.

Essentially, this compromise means I won’t blow all of my funds on a holiday, and I can put a goodly portion towards my debt-free status.

Which means I’m one step closer to being out of this place.

Which could very well mean that 2012 is my Sayonara, Melbourne Farewell Tour.

Pretty much all factions of my mind kinda like that idea…

I’ll keep y’all informed when I know more. 😀

~ Svasti

What ya wishing for?

Tags

Anywhere but here, Broken bones, dandelions, Healing, living in the moment, modus operandi, Post-traumatic stress, progress, PTSD, Reality, Recovery, Swine flu, Therapy, Trauma, Truth

No matter how you cut it, there’s always more ways to slice and dice anything. You can take the tiniest sliver, and if you have the right tools, cut it up again and again. You can make shavings of slivers and get all microscopic about it.

What’s that got to do with anything? Umm, nothing. And everything.

It’s just that y’know, measurement is highly relative. So is progress.

Where do we really ever get to, other than right where we are at any given moment? We’re just where we’re at, period.

The wanting of other things, that’s where we get ourselves into trouble. Wanting to be somewhere or someone else, or another version of yourself – thinner, wiser, funnier, smarter and so on. We want to be healed. We can’t forget the past. We reminisce of happier times. Want to be on holidays again, go back to places we’ve been.

Anywhere but here.

Or, we think of where we want to get to – being in love with someone wonderful, being a parent, healthy and whole, nicer teeth, earning big money. Or, just more simply… we look towards a place where we’ll be really happy.

Trying to just live in the here and now is difficult. Western culture is set up to either think of the past or look to the future. There’s really not much here and now in our lives at all.

Sitting on a tram surrounded by strangers, most people are thinking about getting away from such close proximity (BTW, did you hear Melbourne is now Australia’s Swine Flu capital?). At work, we’re bored or annoyed or looking forward to lunch or going home or socialising after work.

We’re rarely living in the moment, but it can happen: riding a push bike consciously, getting a massive fright, meditation, having a really intense meeting, seeing an amazing live band or dance performance… these are just some examples.

When it happens, for seconds or minutes (if we’re lucky), we feel intensely alive.

Some people get hooked on that, and then get into adrenaline-based activities. Although, it then becomes less about being in the moment, and more about the ‘rush’ we feel afterwards. And looking forward to the next time.

During the worst of my PTSD, where it wasn’t so much ‘episodes’ – more just one long waking nightmare, day in, day out… I wished away much of my life.

Truly, I believed it was possible to wait out my trauma. I thought I’d get better over time, like healing a broken bone – sure it hurts for ages, but eventually it gets better.

And while I waited, I shut down the rest of my life. Just sat there, waiting. But never in the moment. I was too busy thinking about that unspecified time in the future when I’d be okay again.

Never worked out that way of course. Turns out the source of a lot of my pain was about avoiding. Didn’t want to be in the moment at the time (quite understandably) and didn’t want to know about it afterwards, either.

Thing is, to start to move forward and just to begin the healing process, that’s exactly what I had to do – get very present and very real with the pain, the terror and all of the rammifications.

Its the polar opposite of our standard modus operandi: dropping out of reality.

No wonder healing feels so scary and hard at times!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote a draft of this a little while back, but Brooks’ recent post reminded me it was there, casually sitting in one of my writing files. So I looked it up and thought… yeah, time to come out…

~Svasti