Turning 4-0 and positively Hobbit-like

Tags

Bali, Beauty, Birthday, Forty pieces of silver, freedom from suffering, Happiness, hobbits, LoveX massage, Middle Earth, pampering, peace, spa day

[Note: this is a scheduled post]

Hopefully today I’m nowhere near a computer at all.

For shortly after midnight on AEDST (Australian Eastern Daylight Savings Time), I turn 40: the milestone many people either loathe or love.

Personally, I’m down with it all. Maybe its because I’ve already been through all sorts of life-upending crises, so I don’t need a mid-life one to shake things up.

If everything is going according to plan (like the rest of this trip to date), today will be spent doing yoga, meditating, having a wonderful breakfast, indulging in an Ubud-style spa day, writing and then whatever takes my fancy. I intend to partake of beauty, inner reflections, nature, pampering and good food, while immersed in the magic that is Ubud.

To celebrate I’ve got a couple of things for y’all.

First up…

I’m making like a hobbit from Middle Earth! But no, it’s got nothing to do with large hairy feet. In fact, mine are all nicely buffed and polished right now.

Those lil dudes have an awesome tradition of giving gifts to others on their birthday, and I’m following suit. Just because I’m feeling grateful for pretty much everything at the moment.

So I’m gonna purchase a few things while I’m here in Bali that’ll perhaps end up with YOU. You can trust they’ll be yoga themed and beautiful.

Right now I’m thinking I’ll buy three little gifts, since I only brought a tiny bag with me (a triumph of my packing abilities!). And it will be a lucky dip. As in, I’ll draw the winners and send them whatever I’ve bought and it will be a surprise. 😉

Sound good?

To put yourself in the running for a birthday present from me, just leave a comment below. Simple, yes?

Secondly, I present to you…

Forty pieces of silver (part 1 & part 2) – half a lifetime of learnings over two posts, coming over the next couple of days. Stay tuned!

So, happy birthday to me and happy birthday to you, too.

May all beings know beauty, peace, happiness and love. May all beings know freedom from suffering.

Enjoy your day or your evening and know that I’m thinking of my lovely blog readers, friends and family (at least a little bit) while I indulge in blissful pursuits, self-care and enjoy my birthday present to myself (a short trip to paradise!).

[Edit: the winners have been drawn!]

Much love,

Svasti xxx

Downtime in paradise

Tags

Bali, Birthday, Eat Pray Love, massages, Meditation, milestone, Ubud, Yoga

[Note: this is a scheduled post]

Right about now, I’m (hopefully) on a jet plane. Flying off to Bali for the holiday I planned and paid for before I found myself jobless.

But then a few weeks later I found another job, and now I’m about to spend five days and five nights in the beautiful and traditional Hindu yoga mecca of Ubud.

Why now, I hear you ask?

In four days I’ll reach the milestone of my 40^th birthday, and this little trip is a present from myself, to myself.

It’s all about the self-love, people.

This will be my second trip to the magical paradise of Bali. I’m so glad to be returning!

If you’ve never been, you should read Nadine’s 10 Things We Can All Learn From Bali. And don’t go to Kuta or Sanur. Base yourself in Ubud.

Y’know, in all of my previous travels both within Australia and overseas, I’ve always been doing something. Travelling with or meeting other people at my destination; attending yoga retreats; going skiing or doing touristy things. There’ve always been plans and while I’ve travelled by myself before, other people have always been involved.

This time it’s just for me.

My plans such as they are, are pretty simple: yoga, meditation, daily (super-cheap) massages, great food, writing, and perhaps a little exploring. I figure that if I had a partner, they’d be spoiling me rotten! But since it’s just me, I’m responsible for all treats and pampering.

Which is cool when you think about it, because I know EXACTLY what I like. How kind of me! It’s like I read my own mind. Hehehe.

Of course, I’m hoping that the PR blitzkrieg of Eat, Pray, Love hasn’t totally ruined Ubud since I was last there. I steered well away from any accommodation that referred to the book in their marketing! Fingers crossed I’m not perceived as just another stereotypical single female hoping to find romance in tropical paradise, huh? 😉

Anyhow. There will be a few pre-scheduled posts appearing here while I’m away. But I might be inspired to write a few “live from Ubud” posts. I’ll see how I feel.

Mostly, I hope to get stuck into my two writing projects and go to as many yoga classes as I can.

In the last week, I’ve felt both excited and terrified. This is the first real holiday I’ve had in a long time, I’m going somewhere I’ve been dying to re-visit, and I’m doing it all on my own terms. I almost had trouble believing it was happening. Somehow, the timing and the money and everything else has worked out. It’s also very freeform – just me, doing my thing. Perhaps this is preparation, too, for when I eventually head off to India?

The very fact that this trip is happening is part of the new changes I mentioned the other day. It’s a little tricky to explain them, except to say there’s lots of shifting going on energetically. It feels amazing.

Anyway, you’ll hear from me when I get to Ubud.

Catch y’all on the flip side, my lovelies.

~Svasti xxx

P.S. Even if you don’t have a holiday planned for yourself right now, why don’t you find some other way to show yourself a little love?

Zoom zoom zoom

Tags

Bali, Birthday, flowers, Howzat, Kinesiology, new job, yoga teaching

Whoah, so how did we get to Thursday already?

While I am in fact sitting down right now, I feel like I’ve just stepped off a boat or plane or something that moves p-r-e-t-t-y swiftly. Everything that’s meant to be still is sort of pulsing and my legs are a tad wobbly. Whiplash? Might have that, too.

That’s how fast this week has travelled. And busy? Ohmigoodness.

By end of play Tuesday, I’d had two first interviews, one second interview and a job offer. Howzat for a head spin?

Seems I’m gonna have to learn how to work for a really cute boss and not get distracted. There are worse things than working with a gorgeous man, yes?

[Edit: Cute boss turns out to be a smoker. Instant de-ranking from the Cuteness Scale!]

Truthfully, I’m relieved. I honestly didn’t expect to land a job this side of Christmas let alone be asked to start before I go away to Bali (more on that next week!). They actually wanted me to start today but I needed some time to get a few things done if I’m gonna be working right up until I leave.

But then, just a couple of weeks ago I had a kinesiology session to get balanced for finding a job. The following Monday (last week) the phone started ringing off the hook!

No word of a lie.

The same week, I thought about letting go and living life the way I teach yoga. Just to see what happens.

I also had a few words with the Universe about what I really needed.

As in: I have $X in the bank and need roughly $X more in December to stay solvent. Funnily enough, with the yoga teaching, freelance work and working five days for my new employer, I think I now have that covered.

The phone kept ringing all of last week. Then an old workmate forwarded me the info about the job I’ve now been offered. An interview was organised for Monday of this week. Then a second interview Tuesday and a job offer only hours later!

In terms of what it’s paying, it’s a little bit under what I wanted. But it’s a permanent role, which is a bonus on account of the job security and not having to look for work all the time. It’ll also give me experience in a couple of areas that I haven’t touched on that much so far in my career. So I think it’s gonna be good!

I’ll work Friday-Thursday and then Friday week I’m flying away on a jet plane… then I’m not due back at work until 4^th January.

Exciting!

Also this week:

• Met with my freelance client to get her WordPress site up and running. That wee project is well underway.
• I was given flowers (photo at the top of this post) as an early birthday present from the yoga school I teach at. Totally unexpected and so sweet! Miss Cleo the cat and I are enjoying them very much.
• Got a taste of my future lifestyle as a part time yoga teacher, while working part time in the digital industry, as I did a couple of jobs for MM… Yoga! Lots of fun. 🙂
• Did heaps of running around today. Errands. Stocked up on vitamins. Bought a cheapie digital camera (since my other one bit it), plus a crazy-cheap new dress and shoes for work!

I am officially exhausted from the pace of this week and it’s very nice to be sitting still with some downtime on hand.

So I’m having an early-to-bed evening to make sure I’m all shiny and energetic for my first day at the new job tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

~Svasti

Sometimes you can have your cake…

Tags

Birthday, cheesecake, coincidences, gluten free, I Quit Sugar, job interviews, picnic

On Sunday I did something that’s a bit scary for me: I held a picnic for my birthday – a couple of weeks early – down at the beach.

That in itself doesn’t sound too scary, does it? But I’ve never been very good at throwing social gatherings. Plus, having a December birthday means that most of the people you invite to your get-together can’t come. Even when you invite them a month or two before the date.

I know, it’s just how December rolls with the crazy social whirlwind. I’ve always hated that about my birthday, though. I used to see it as a personal reflection. Surely if people liked me enough they’d go out of their way to come to my party? But that isn’t how life works. We each have our own priorities.

So I went ahead and had a picnic, even though the only people that could make it were my family and my very good friend and her lovely hubby. There were a few others who were going to come or at least try to, but it just didn’t work out like that.

Never mind. I no longer take these things personally.

Those of us who could be there all had a blast, down by the sea.

And cake. We had cake. Actually, there were THREE cakes*, but I made this one…

I adapted this gluten and sugar free cheesecake recipe by adding lemon juice and zest. I also used stevia instead of rice syrup. It was given a resounding thumbs up by one and all. The first time I’ve ever made a cheesecake!

*I certainly didn’t expect two other cakes! One was for my little nieces who like very plain things like sponge cake with vanilla icing. The other was a complete surprise. My mother went out of her way to make a gluten free chocolate mud cake.

So even though it wasn’t sugar free, I had a sliver anyway. Because I cannot tell you the last time my mother ever baked a cake for me. Seriously.

Other things of note:

• Since writing last week about taking a more relaxed approach to being supported, I scored two job interviews. Both of them happened today and both were positive.
• One was with a guy who is REALLY cute. Which was kinda distracting. 😉
• The cute one has already called me in for a second interview tomorrow. The other I’ll probably hear from very soon, too.
• For said interviews, I wore a dress that’s been just a little bit too tight for most of this year. On a whim, today I pulled it out of the cupboard and was able to zip it up very comfortably.
• So without being over-zealous, my I Quit Sugar experiment has caused me to shed a few pounds already. I don’t weigh myself, so I’m not sure how much. But enough for that dress (one I really like) to fit me very nicely indeed.

And now it is almost time for yoga.

Tomorrow I’m meeting with a client for a small freelance job – helping someone set up a WordPress site for their business. Then I’m meeting a friend of a friend, who might be need a freelance copywriter.

All of these things could still possibly fall flat but it’s amazing that until I made the call to chill the heck out, nothing much was happening for me. Now, there’s kind of a lot going on.

Maybe it’s all just a giant coincidence, or maybe not. I don’t really believe in coincidences much anymore.

And I’ll keep you posted…

~Svasti

Happy 3rd birthday!

Tags

Birthday, hand made present, Hattie & the Fox, Mem Fox, Possum Magic

I was having a little trouble working out what to buy my niece (the one who featured in a recent blog post) for her 3rd birthday. I mean, both of my nieces have more toys than they’ll ever really need and are spoiled furiously by their parents, grandparents and okay, their aunty too! 😉

So I decided to make something instead (photo is below). I also bought her a couple of Mem Fox books (Possum Magic and Hattie & the Fox) and they fit neatly inside her new hand-made present. I hope she likes it! Her party is tomorrow although her actual birthday isn’t for a few more days yet…

What do you think? It’s both machine and hand sewn by yours truly!

I don’t know if it’s just that she’s the first-born of the next generation or not, but my eldest niece is very important to me. I love both of them of course, but Layla came along at a time in my recovery where… well, the joy of her birth was overwhelmingly positive at a very dark point. She was a bit of a miracle for me, even though she’s not my child.

Happy birthday darling girl! I can’t believe how fast you’re growing up. xxx

~Svasti

Everything is different, nothing has changed

Tags

aftershocks, Birthday, detachment, faeries riding rainbow coloured dragonflies, Mexican, muddle-headed, Pinot Noir, radically altered, self-birthday present, Shadow Yoga, tamasic, time, Yoga, Yoga teacher

Friday night I drank perhaps a couple too many of a totally lush Pinot Noir (note: too much in my books is still relatively sober for others). Alcohol and yoga don’t mix very well… seems to mess with my balance and joint flexibility. Weird but true!

Next morning I awoke another year older and feeling somewhat tamasic, but not enough to keep me lying down. See, I had work to do.

At my yoga school for the last official day of my training – a place I’ve spent nearly every Saturday of this year and many other days in between. Taught my final practice class (a little Pinot muddle-headed), and walked out with a letter in my pocket suggestively claiming I’m now officially a yoga teacher.

Weird.

Exciting.

Best. Birthday. Present. Ever.

Hung out with my fellow fledgling yoga teachers and discussed our plans for conquering small patches of Melbourne with our mad yoga skillz.

Yeah!

Ate at my local cafe and chatted to my favourite proprietor (I’m soooo brave now!), shopped and eventually wandered home to find this in my mailbox…

No silly, not the contents! Just the wrapping… (thanks Yoga Dork, and also for the little YD sticker that came in the package!) 😉

All gussied up, ate a truckload of authentic Mexican food that night (as verified by a newly acquired American friend we prevailed upon to join our little sortie).

Sunday, final Shadow Yoga class for the year, pedicure, facial (self-birthday present) and late lunch with the family, purportedly in my honour, even if I was the last to be invited (don’t ask!). Ah well, that’s how it goes here sometimes…

But actually, I’m not different to who I was yesterday (or perhaps I am?). I’ve been becoming both this age and this yoga teacher all year. Some (including me) might argue, it’s been going on for much longer than that. And yet, Saturday marked an official status for both. Curiouser and curiouser.

See, I have this theory about the passing of time, in that it doesn’t really pass at all. But then, I never quite know what to do with all that stuff that looks very much like time gone by? Maybe I’ll figure it out one day. Til then, I simply nod and smile, looking at the pretty coloured lights.

Guess the point is… I still feel like me. But the ‘me’ that I feel like was never a yoga teacher before right now. I recall the non-yoga teacher ‘me’ but she isn’t here any more… there are vast miles between the ‘me’ of five, ten, twenty years ago, and now. But would I be here if not for that person?

Ageing, I increase my happiness. My self-knowledge, self-honesty and wisdom. But was I never not this age?

There’s a quote that says something like… “you must lose yourself before you can find out who you really are”. Which I interpret as having as much to do with concepts of detachment from materialism, as it does with beginning to see the world (including oneself) as it all really is.

I’m almost certain I lived a large portion of my life in some kind of imagined version of the world, starring an imagined version of myself. It all looked pretty much like reality, but slightly veiled or tinted with imagined flourishes: perhaps a spray of violet overlaid with a mother of pearl mosaic here; a host of faeries riding rainbow coloured dragonflies over there, just beyond my very own pirate ship anchored off-shore in the distance.

And I resided as much in those flourishes as anywhere else.

Still do sometimes – I think it’s just a part of who I am. Things have always made more sense as pictures, energy and colours than in any other form. But nowadays I can see the difference, because I did it: I lost myself.

I lost who I thought I was when a fist connected with my face and the back of my head smashed into a concrete wall. All illusions were shredded as I was terrorised by a stranger I previously thought I’d known. And my view of the world altered drastically when I was more than half-convinced I was going to die… I burned and descended into hell, taking everything I thought I knew with me. Which, it seems, triggered the emergency warning signal – resulting in a re-boot of my brain and sense of self.

‘Course, I had to deal with the aftershocks and the confusion… so much confusion…

Spent four years being lost (or maybe it was much longer than that?), wandering aimlessly adrift.

But… I’m beginning to see how my new operating system works, especially now that it’s all loaded up with new programs (e.g. Yoga Teacher v1.0) and a healthy dose of (growing) confidence (note to self: must keep up maintenance on confidence!).

I’ve learned I have strengths I never imagined I could possess. And I’ve begun to understand what makes me truly, utterly and inexplicably happy. Things that make my soul sing.

So here I am. All new and yet not. Radically altered and yet the same.

~Svasti

Thumpity thump

Tags

Anxiety, Birthday, Christmas, December, Depression, Increased heart rate, Post-traumatic stress, PTSD, Repression, Trauma

PTSD research

Another post inspired by Tackaberry Chronicles – this time, about how increased heart rate and respiration are predictors for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

As I read Michelle’s post, I realised my heart rate hasn’t been normal all day, actually.

An insidious aspect of PTSD… is the anxiety caused by the increased heart rate, or is the increased heart rate caused by the anxiety?

How is it, when there’s nothing in particular that I’m stressed about right now that my heart labours at an increased rate?

You know, as I wrote that, I just realised this isn’t a very good time of year for me. I probably shouldn’t spend so much time alone…

December 2005

From the time I was assaulted to that first Christmas after the fact… was just under two months.

I think I survived that time by just diving right back into work and suppressing the terror. I wanted it all to just go away, but as I’ve found out in incredibly brilliant fluorescent detail, trauma doesn’t actually fade away without help.

Trauma won’t leave you alone. You can ignore it for a while, but eventually you have to face it. If you want your life back.

I remember I bought a new outfit to wear on Christmas day. A brown knee-length cotton skirt and a reddish-brown sleeveless top. I remember my dad telling me how pretty I looked. I remember… no one mentioning anything at all about what had happened. I remember feeling dead inside.

Hello? Can anybody see me??

Maybe this is why I haven’t really enjoyed birthdays or Christmas’ since then… I don’t even remember what happened for my birthday that year. Possibly just the obligatory birthday dinner with the family…

It’s a struggle to remember the holiday periods at all since that time. Actually, I’ve had to check my email records to bring any of it into focus.

For December 2005, there aren’t any emails.

Then, in the days after Christmas… like right now… alone. I shut the door. No one was expecting me. I hadn’t made any plans.

And I fell to pieces.

It was around then I was in touch with G. I’d told him what was happening and he was very understanding. But I edited things down – about how bad it all was. Of course.

I saw no one. For New Year’s, I told my friends I was doing a mini yoga retreat – which I was – and wouldn’t be answering the phone or checking emails. But I was also dealing with insomnia, enormous amounts of anger, sadness, crying, bad dreams and so on…

December 2006

I’d spent most of the year waiting for things to get better. I really thought it was just gonna be a matter of time. I didn’t realise how much I really needed help. All year I felt very alone, and I was missing my Sydney friends terribly. It was the year of my bone graft surgery.

That year would bring my 35th birthday. So I decided to change the date, sort of. I took a solo road trip to Sydney in late November and organised birthday lunch with my friends, by the water in Pyrmont.

For my actual birthday back in Melbourne, I managed to get together a motley assortment of ‘friends’. K, the woman came to my rescue that night. And a few others. I basically got trashed. Thank you, Long Island Iced Tea. Many of them. Generally I don’t drink a lot or at all (I can go months without drinking anything) but for this milestone birthday, one I’d previously had such different plans for… I couldn’t let it pass without notice, but at the same time I couldn’t cope with it sober, either.

I don’t remember Christmas that year very much, except my sister was pregnant with my niece. There was a lot of focus on her, which suited me just fine, I guess.

December 2007

Oh. The most recent, yet possibly the worst, and the best. I’m kind of not ready to talk about the events of November/December last year. I’m embarrassed by my actions, my naiveté.

I thought I’d met someone I could trust, but I was very, very wrong.

For now, I’ll just say that those events brought on new lows of my depression. Which eventually resulted in the amazing conversation I had with my chiropractor. Which led me to H, my therapist (thank goodness).

That birthday was spent in tears. I did go out with a couple of friends, trying to enjoy myself but it didn’t go very well. Christmas Eve, I had a conversation that helped a lot. But the whole end of last year really sucked, actually.

This year

It seems for this birthday, the universe conspired to bring joy into my life despite my attempts to keep it on the down low. A lot of love from all over the world, in fact. Despite myself. In my workplace, my inbox, on my blog, Facebook, my phone and more. And I am very grateful, even though I may not have acted that way.

Christmas day was… well, I was sick. A throat infection/flu. So I was merry for a bit, did the present opening thing, ate some food and then pretty much passed out.

This whole thing has nothing to do with getting older… I don’t mind that in the least.

But I hadn’t realised til right about now, the impact of the past few years of Decembers – birthday and Christmas alike.

I should say… I used to love celebrating birthdays. Mine or anyone else’s. I’d run ‘festivale de birthday‘ – trying to stretch out celebrations for as long as possible.

For my mid-thirties, I’d had such different ideas on how my life would be. What I wanted for myself. Instead, I’ve let the darkness and the sadness overwhelm me, take over, and steal happiness and love from my days.

Sure, I’m stronger now. I know a lot more. And perhaps, it’s this level of understanding that I need in order to be ready for my future life – as someone providing service to others.

Perhaps.

It’ll be nice though, and a sign of great progress, when I can enjoy December once more.

~Svasti