Continued: working without a net

Tags

Anxiety, belly relaxed, bliss, breathing smooth, Depression, don't look down, heart open, hecticness, I trust in abundance, I trust myself, I trust the Universe, muse, PTSD, Self-Alignment Kit, working without a net, world of impermanence, Writing, yogAttitude cards

Meditate. Be bliss. There's a lesson in that for all of us...

This is just a quick post to say hi, really. Well, and a couple of other things.

First of all

Suzanne, who won the give-away of Nadine’s wonderful yogAttitude cards has seemingly gone AWOL. So I’m on the verge of re-drawing the prize!

Suzanne, I’ve sent you three emails and left a comment on your blog. No reply! If I don’t hear from you very soon, I’ll re-draw a winner from the other entries (no new entries, just to be fair!).

So please get in touch by Friday 4th November if you would still like to receive your prize, as I need a postal address. After that, I will draw another winner.

Secondly

I’ll be doing a review very soon of Kerry’s Self-Alignment Kit. I think I’m gonna try it this weekend, on account of the fourth point of this post (below).

Also: if you’re interested in Kerry’s kit, hang about for the review because there’ll be a discount code for readers of this blog!

Thirdly

Things are crazy-hectic for me right now at work. The last few months we’ve been working on a H-U-G-E project – a whole bunch of websites that’ll be going live, hopefully this weekend. New branding, a new content management system, new content. It’s been absolutely massive and there’s been so much to do. Insane.

Which has meant no time to finish some of the posts I’m writing. Stuff I really want to get done!

Fourthly (is that even a word?)

This is the working without a net thingy.

In 2008 I left the world of stable, full-time employment. At the time, I was going on a long retreat in the wilds of north-east Thailand. It was a massive turning point for me.

Earlier that year, I’d finally gotten my butt into therapy and was formally diagnosed with PTSD. It was the beginning of my healing journey, and leaving my job was a part of that. I’d been in the same job for 4.5 years and most of that time I also had PTSD. So I’d been trying to hold down a high-performance job while being pretty dysfunctional. I’d also had the misfortune of telling my bosses what had happened to me, and having them use that as a means to bully me. I was burned out.

After retreat and coming back to Australia, I haven’t had a permanent job. Well, none that has lasted anyway. There’ve been a couple of periods of unemployment and lots of contract work.

Simultaneously, I’ve worked my ass off to heal PTSD, anxiety and depression. Which I’ve done, although it hasn’t been easy. I’m still working on healing myself – now it’s my body that needs support and love, while it too, processes the aftershocks of everything my mind and soul have been through.

Integral to all this healing has been learning to really trust myself and my place in this universe – as big or small as that place might be. The first time I found myself unemployed, it was terrifying. I made a whole bunch of decisions at that time that I’d do quite differently now.

All of this short term contract work hasn’t exactly been easy when you have hair-trigger anxiety, either. It’s basically like facing unemployment on a semi-regular basis, never quite sure where or when the next job is coming.

If I’m not careful, such things can cause crazy-excessive-heart-thudding and concrete-heavy-belly feelings.

Even though I have my own, I can't help but stop to talk to other kitties I meet. Such things help me keep life relaxed and calm.

Which is where trust comes in. You see, I’ve found that if I let my fear and anxiety rule the playground, my world gets very small. In such a small world, it’s much harder to get my needs met. So I need to stay open and relaxed.

With the end of the big project I’ve been working on, my current contract is due to end in just under three weeks and I don’t have another job to go to yet.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. There’s been a flurry of recruiters calling me, but so far none of those conversations has turned into anything concrete. I even went for an interview and everything looked good but there have been some issues at that company with getting the job “signed off”. Yep.

So I talk and pray to the Universe daily. I keep my belly relaxed (as much as possible), my breathing smooth and my heart open (which is what I ask my yoga students to do – just walking the talk).

I keep thinking that perhaps I’m just missing whatever lesson the Universe is trying to teach me. Or maybe this is just a constant reminder that nothing is permanent, and now that I’m open to that, my world looks entirely impermanent all of the time?

I’m not sure to be honest. But one lesson I have really learned is that when working without a net, you simply don’t look down.

Clichéd perhaps, but true.

Fifthly (ditto re: existence of word)

I now have two books that I need to write.

The first one is my children’s book. It’s totally buzzing around my brain, showing me new characters and scenarios. Whenever I’ve read about authors talking about their characters coming to life, I didn’t really understand what they meant. Until now.

Must. Write. Book!

The second one is actually Nadine’s fault (said with a grin!). We caught up a few weeks back and had a rambly natter about all kinds of things – yoga, healing, trauma etc.

At one point she said something like: Well, that’s some wisdom you’ve gained there. What are you going to do with that?

I was all, ummmm….?

But the Muse strikes at the oddest of times, doesn’t She? Tuesday night I was walking to the school where I teach yoga every week and She whispered: Write an e-book about what you’ve learned in recovering from PTSD, depression and anxiety.

Oh dang! Before I’d reached my destination, several chapters had laid themselves out for me.

So… I guess I’m writing that one, too.

~ Svasti

Partying on with some integration #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Awareness, bhakti, bliss, Body integration, chanting, dirty rotten hippie, heart chakra, kirtan, Mark Whitwell, Meditation, party, Presence, Sanskrit, Shadow Yoga, Vahni, Yoga

Almost at total catch up point now! Today’s been a weird day that involved a grown woman – at least ten years older than me – throwing a fully fledged tantrum in the work place. I can’t tell you how befuddling I find that!

Unfortunately I also find such things a little stressful, and with stress comes my good friend Anxiety. Let me tell you that anxiety blows. And this close to Christmas, it’s the last thing I need!

Anyhoo! On with the #reverbing!!

Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.
~ December 9 prompt

Go ahead, call me a dirty rotten hippie if you must but my idea of an awesome time is a night of kirtan – that’d be a Sanskrit word meaning something like chant/sing the glory/repeating.

And generally kirtan involves repetitive singing/chanting of a stanza or two – usually also in Sanskrit – sung over and over with varying degrees of intensity pretty much til your heart bursts open in joy, sitting on a cushion in a small crowd of like-minded souls, singing and later sipping chai, copping a hug or two and looking forward to the next one.

The end result is usually some form of ooey-gooey loved up state of being, having been hit by the bliss machine and feeling like a million bucks, plastered with the widest smile you’ve been wearing all week.

I know some people aren’t into kirtan because they think chanting the names of gods and goddesses they don’t believe in is somehow hokey. But the beauty of Sanskrit is that the words themselves have a vibrational quality. Simple repetition of these sounds and letting your singing voice come from the heart (not your head or your throat) creates an incredible heart chakra opening. It doesn’t really matter what the words mean!

Earlier this year, one of our group decided to have a kirtan party for her birthday. So a whole bunch of us gathered to eat wholesome pot luck yogic-type food, drink chai and chant for hours on end.

The party was held at a beautiful place called Prana House, upstairs on Sydney Rd on the north side of Melbourne. White drapes are the main decorations there, with incense burning and people wandering around in stocking feet. Everyone in comfy clothes, ready for a boogie!

We always start a kirtan session seated, but once the bhakti takes hold people often want to dance. And that night we certainly did! People of all ages were getting their groove on, including some very cute little munchkin yogis-in-training.

Before the night was out I’d been hugged ferociously, I’d sung my heart out and danced up a frenzy. No one was drunk; no one threw up or passed out. Everyone I met there was pleasant and happy to talk to others – no aloofness or sexual politics. Just a bunch of hippie/yogi types enjoying that expansion of love that kirtan generates…

::

Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
~ December 12 prompt

Let your mind rest in the practice, says my Shadow Yoga teacher.

I’d heard that one dozens of times before but didn’t really understand what she meant until recent times.

Mark Whitwell talks about the same thing in a different way – he says that asana can be your senior spiritual practice. That there is no meditation, just resting in the present moment.

I’m from a school of training that focuses on asana leading to seated meditation practice, and I still believe in the importance of an extended seated practice (starting at an hour, working up to multiple hours). BUT meditation with the same focus I described above.

As I’ve mentioned before, one of my nemesis-asana in Shadow Yoga is Vahni. I’ve been working it for the last year or so and yet it still causes me grief. These days I pretty much have it down on the left side of my body, but I regularly fall out of it on the right. Generally speaking, I fear it on some level and I know my fear contributes to how well I can do the pose.

In class a few weeks ago, I was most surprised to find myself moving fluidly into Vahni (on the left, of course). I sat back on my left heel with the right leg crossed over the left, and I discovered poise and comfort. But more than that, my mind and body were completely in this pose I’ve found challenging for so long. It was silent and calm. It was glorious!

Right then, a little voice at the back of my mind got all excited and said, Oh WOW! Look, we’re doing it, we’re doing it!!

Listening to my inner dialog caused me to fall out of the pose and land on my butt! I let loose with a hearty chuckle as I hit the floor.

As my Guru often says – the moment when you’re telling yourself that you’ve “got” something is actually when you don’t. There is nothing to attain or point to, we only need to come naturally to that state of pure presence and awareness. It can’t be forced.

It was a great teaching for me as a student and as well as for teaching others. Finding that sort of presence in asana practice (and not just meditation) isn’t easy to grasp. But what it showed me is how often I am NOT in that state while I practice asana, and that’s just a wasted opportunity.

The other thing I realised is the ease with which I can perform asana I’m otherwise a little frightened of in that state – a meditative mind isn’t providing confidence exactly, just a state of openness where anything is possible if you let it be just as it is…

No struggle. No drama.

~Svasti

Ruby slippered steps

Tags

Adventures, bliss, castles, Fear, Grace, impenetrability, opportunity, Poem, Poetry, ponderously, potentiality, Probable Cause, Twitter, Universe

‘Round the ends of the universe

And back (again)

Enfolded in blissful possibilities

Of adoration and

Great big shining opportunities

So melts the Castle

Of Impenetrability

Because all things have a Time

And a Place

~ Potentiality ~

Now just looking

For Probable Cause

It MUST be Real

Requiring bone-deep

Introspection

Deeper, even

Now to discover

That first ruby slippered step!

(That is my current plan…)

~Svasti

(A little late-night Twitter-composed poetry, while lying in bed PONDEROUSLY attempting bravery to figure stuff out.)