Two Words Project: 6 months of Acceptance & Healing

Tags

Acceptance, autoimmune conditions, boundaries, Hashimoto's, Healing, inappropriate men, Kinesiology, old patterns, two words project

Six months into the Two Words Project, and here’s where I’m at…

The last few weeks have been stressful. Soooo busy at work with my boss away and in this job (where I LOVE the people and the place), I’ve been given more responsibilities than I initially signed on for. Which is exciting, but it does mean learning new skills. Stuff I don’t have down pat. Stuff that means I’m not 100% brilliant at my job right now, while I undergo this new learning curve.

I can’t tell you how much I hate not being 100% brilliant at my job.

So it’s been busy and crazy and with my boss away, a bit of a strain. Because I’m one of those people who looks around and if I see something that needs doing and when there’s no one to do that task, I’ll try to fill the gap.

None of this is good for my health, as you might imagine. Stress is debilitating for folks with autoimmune conditions. It causes physical pain, and a resurgence of symptoms. For example, my memory gets even fuzzier than normal, and my throat tightens up. I get a bit mopey and exhausted.

What I’m beginning to realise however, is that these new circumstances in my job are shining a light on old patterns that’ve been around for a really long time.

As sucky as facing up to old patterns can be, I keep telling myself: this is all a part of the healing process.

My life is currently more balanced than ever. So I figure I now have the capacity to face up to other issues, whereas in the past there wasn’t space to deal with anything other than healing my body and mind. But now I’ve done enough work to stabilise my life, there’s room to look at other issues that are holding me back. So here they come!

Luckily, I had a kinesiology session booked for this weekend. Perfect timing as always, to help me clarify some of this stuff.

Here’s what I’m looking at right now:

I tend to put my own needs at the very bottom of the pile, underneath everyone else’s

This is an oldie but a goodie, and very common for women. It’s a people pleasing thing that goes hand in hand with my (previously out of control) poor-self esteem. I’ve mostly healed my self-esteem issues now, but this whole thing of not speaking up for what I need is still kicking around. And kicking my ass.

The reality is, I can’t afford to let this pattern remain active anymore. My health can’t take it, so like everything else that’s bringing my health down, it has to go.

Building appropriate boundaries for myself that allow me to take care of my own needs while interacting with others

So, there needs to be a balance between being of service to other people and doing the same thing for myself. I now have very specific health needs and if I don’t take care of them appropriately, I fall over in a heap.

And if I can’t take care of myself, then I can’t help anyone else, either. One of my lovely yoga teachers likes to say: teach from a place of abundance, never from a place of lack.

I’m actually pretty good at taking care of myself now, until other people come into the picture (see previous point!).

Until recently, I would always dropped whatever it is I was doing for myself in order to fulfil the needs of others. This can be seen as being over-helpful, and also it just isn’t balanced.

Plus, this isn’t what I teach as a yoga practitioner and teacher. So once again, I find myself drawing on the wisdom of yoga to bring into my life.

If you don’t have appropriate boundaries and awareness when doing yoga, you can hurt yourself. If you try too hard, you can hurt yourself. The teachings of the middle way are what I’m reminding myself of here:

Put in effort, but NOT too much effort. Work at a moderate pace. Don’t strain or force. Enjoy.

Men: this is pretty much my Achilles heel

In all the work I’ve done to recover from PTSD, this issue is one I’ve dodged since the beginning.

For many years after I was assaulted, I had no interest in men at all. NONE. I was completely shut down in that respect. Then I started feeling less shut down. But there were (and are) some big fat issues in the way: betrayal; physical/emotional intimacy; trusting myself; trusting men; feeling powerless; being unable to open up…

Those are the general themes. I think I’m now in a stable enough space to consider the idea of dating men, BUT, there’s still lots of fear swirling around.

See, I’ve been out of the dating game for so long that I feel like an awkward teenager. Around men I’m attracted to, my carefully re-established self-esteem goes up in smoke.

The irrational fear-voice in my mind says things like: I’m too old for men to be attracted to me; he’s gorgeous so why would he be interested in me; is he flirting with me? I can’t even tell; what if he DOES like me – I’d have to be vulnerable (and that’s insane); it’s probably safest to assume he isn’t into me… and so on.

Of course, this has come up because there’s a guy that I’m RIDICULOUSLY attracted to at the moment. Well, on a physical level anyway. It’s both uncontrollable and undeniable (believe me, I’ve tried to quell it!).

However, I really don’t think we’re compatible in other ways, and I suspect that this is my old pattern of being attracted to men who are wrong for me. Which is all about choosing men I can’t ever really be close to, as a way to keep myself safe (ha!). This is the very same pattern by the way, that once upon a time allowed me to invite a sociopath into my home… (not that I think the guy I’m now attracted to is a sociopath!)

Unfortunately, knowing such things hasn’t stopped this rampant attraction from growing like wildfire. I’m pretty sure it’s only one-way, too. He is someone I have to interact with on a regular basis (at work), and he’s very demanding in his dealings with me. So also: hello, boundary issues!

That’s right – my current work situation is a triple threat of my old patterns coming up to bite me. Hard.

But out of my kinesiology session, it became clear that perhaps this has come up to help me close out the these lessons: being able to have my needs met; setting appropriate boundaries; not being attracted to inappropriate men.

Which helps me put the whole thing in a new light.

This guy that I’m wildly attracted to? He isn’t here to tempt me, but to teach me.

And that’s a lesson I’m willing to accept. 😉

~Svasti

P.S. Don’t forget my Yoga Nidra give-away! It’s open until Friday 15^th June – spread the word!

Personal space

Tags

boundaries, introspection, mausoleum of dead knickers, old clothes, old knickers, personal boundaries, personal space, primary school, toilet stalls, Yogic

I often feel like I don’t understand the whole deal with personal boundaries properly.

Not particularly yogic of me I know, but hey, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Like, this one time in primary school (don’t know exactly when but I think I was pretty young still), I remember being in the bathroom stall next to a friend. And I wanted to say hi, so I climbed on the toilet seat and peaked over the top – ‘Hi Melissa!’.

Not to be creepy or strange, just because I wanted to say hi.

But apparently Melissa didn’t see my actions in the spirit I’d intended. Instead, she exacted her revenge… next time I was in there, bringing a handful of our friends to look over and under the door and giggle.

Not that I minded, really. But I didn’t understand either, why she felt like she had to do that. And I was still a little confused (then, not now) about why she was mad…

These days, if I was an inch or two taller, I’d be able to see over many bathroom stall divider walls completely unintentionally, and without climbing up on anything (erm, not that I would).

On the flip side, it makes me queasy thinking about the end-of-lifecycle treatment of clothes. When things are see-through, holey or otherwise falling apart way past redemption… most stuff ends up in the rubbish bin, except if it’s in an okay enough condition to give to charity.

Unless of course, a second life as cleaning rags is possible. Even then, cutting in to pieces fabric that’s spent so much time on my body… feels weird.

And I’m confused when throwing out underwear, especially. When’s the optimal time to give it up? How do you put clothing you’ve worn that close to your genitals into the same bin asthe vegetable peelings, redundant but non-recyclable packaging, and unpalatable leftovers (etc)?

I do it though, of course. It’s not like I have some kind of mausoleum of dead knickers, but still, it always feels strange throwing them out.

And I think… maybe that’s what I’m like dealing with people, too? I never know when too close is or isn’t good, or when things should be discarded, or even if they’re meant to be discarded or not. Can they be revitalised? Should they be?

My ability to distinguish and understand is somewhat impaired, I fear. Am I giving enough space? Too much? Am I crowding?

Seems my sense of personal space is fluid and strange and yet, leaves me sometimes feeling like I’m not where I want to be. Or, wondering what happened and why things or people are so far away, suddenly not easy to understand and most impenetrable.

Then, trying to understand, I perhaps crash through the unseen boundaries of others, making a bit of a mess in the process.

It’s never my intention but hey, it’s just me looking over the bathroom stall to say ‘Hi, what’s up?’ and never realising my gaffe til the china shop’s been trashed.

Sigh… a little more Svasti-introspection required please!

~Svasti