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Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

~ Recovery from PTSD & depression + yoga, silliness & poetry…

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

Tag Archives: Broken bones

What ya wishing for?

10 Wednesday Jun 2009

Posted by Svasti in Learnings

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Anywhere but here, Broken bones, dandelions, Healing, living in the moment, modus operandi, Post-traumatic stress, progress, PTSD, Reality, Recovery, Swine flu, Therapy, Trauma, Truth

No matter how you cut it, there’s always more ways to slice and dice anything. You can take the tiniest sliver, and if you have the right tools, cut it up again and again. You can make shavings of slivers and get all microscopic about it.

What’s that got to do with anything? Umm, nothing. And everything.

It’s just that y’know, measurement is highly relative. So is progress.

Where do we really ever get to, other than right where we are at any given moment? We’re just where we’re at, period.

The wanting of other things, that’s where we get ourselves into trouble. Wanting to be somewhere or someone else, or another version of yourself – thinner, wiser, funnier, smarter and so on. We want to be healed. We can’t forget the past. We reminisce of happier times. Want to be on holidays again, go back to places we’ve been.

Anywhere but here.

Or, we think of where we want to get to – being in love with someone wonderful, being a parent, healthy and whole, nicer teeth, earning big money. Or, just more simply… we look towards a place where we’ll be really happy.

Trying to just live in the here and now is difficult. Western culture is set up to either think of the past or look to the future. There’s really not much here and now in our lives at all.

Sitting on a tram surrounded by strangers, most people are thinking about getting away from such close proximity (BTW, did you hear Melbourne is now Australia’s Swine Flu capital?). At work, we’re bored or annoyed or looking forward to lunch or going home or socialising after work.

We’re rarely living in the moment, but it can happen: riding a push bike consciously, getting a massive fright, meditation, having a really intense meeting, seeing an amazing live band or dance performance… these are just some examples.

When it happens, for seconds or minutes (if we’re lucky), we feel intensely alive.

Some people get hooked on that, and then get into adrenaline-based activities. Although, it then becomes less about being in the moment, and more about the ‘rush’ we feel afterwards. And looking forward to the next time.

During the worst of my PTSD, where it wasn’t so much ‘episodes’ – more just one long waking nightmare, day in, day out… I wished away much of my life.

Truly, I believed it was possible to wait out my trauma. I thought I’d get better over time, like healing a broken bone – sure it hurts for ages, but eventually it gets better.

And while I waited, I shut down the rest of my life. Just sat there, waiting. But never in the moment. I was too busy thinking about that unspecified time in the future when I’d be okay again.

Never worked out that way of course. Turns out the source of a lot of my pain was about avoiding. Didn’t want to be in the moment at the time (quite understandably) and didn’t want to know about it afterwards, either.

Thing is, to start to move forward and just to begin the healing process, that’s exactly what I had to do – get very present and very real with the pain, the terror and all of the rammifications.

Its the polar opposite of our standard modus operandi: dropping out of reality.

No wonder healing feels so scary and hard at times!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote a draft of this a little while back, but Brooks’ recent post reminded me it was there, casually sitting in one of my writing files. So I looked it up and thought… yeah, time to come out…

~Svasti

Cheatin’ on a meme

01 Friday May 2009

Posted by Svasti in Fun

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

big boobs, Broken bones, Cooking, Disorganisation, EMDR, Honest, Honest Scrap Award, Ice-cream, May Day, Maypole, Meme, Mormon blogs, porn, Rabbits, Random, Short attention span, Vegetarianism

Happy May Day folks!

In recent times, I was tagged by two lovely bloggers and a rabbit.

Well, the rabbit actually co-writes a blog with one of the lovely bloggers, but still… how often is it that a rabbit tags you with anything? Usually, they’re too busy eating lovely green food or carrots or philosophising or… I dunno what else rabbits do, actually. ‘Cept this rabbit sure can write (as can the bloggers)!

So, thank you muchly to the very wonderful Tricia and Marcy and Zoe (please go and check out both blogs).

But I hereby declare my intention to cheat… since I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve anyway and definitely on this blog. If I followed the rules of both memes I’d have to find another sixteen (six + ten) random/honest things to tell you about myself.

And I should be really clear – there’s probably a whole lotta things about me you don’t want to know! Oh yes, you should take my word on the matter. It’ll be better for everyone that way!

So, how about I just find ten random/honest things to share, and we’ll split the difference, okay folks?

  1. Yesterday I figured out the maximum number of full bags of shopping I can carry home on my bike is five. But that’s pushing it! And I refuse to put a basket on the front of my mountain bike, so that’s how its gonna stay.
  2. I was a vegetarian for most of my adult life – eighteen years to be exact! That changed two years ago, but I still haven’t told my family I eat meat now. Mostly, because I don’t want to be expected to eat it every time I go to their place (which I would be if I told them).
  3. My attention span is quite limited. Things need to look, smell, sound, taste or feel good to stop me drifting off… which is why there’s an awful lot of blogs I simply can’t read – the layout gives me a headache, there’s no formatting, paragraphs are too long, and people don’t edit. Of course, I’m not talking about any of the lovely readers of this blog!
  4. A Mormon blog linked to one of my recent posts (Stooges of Chaos) and that makes me feel a little funny in the pit of my stomach… since most Mormons/religious people would probably consider me to be rather heretical (I think!).
  5. I really can’t cook very well. Not consistently, anyway. Often my ‘cooking experiments’ either fail miserably or are kinda wonderful, and I have no idea how I made it taste so good. Right now, I am trying to teach myself how to cook, as I’m a bit neglectful/unimaginative when I’m cooking just for myself.
  6. There’s two flavours of ice-cream that vie for top billing as my favourite. I can’t decide though, between Connoisseur’s Cookies & Cream and Chocolate Honey Nougat.
  7. Little did I know when I wrote Body Scars (something I should really go back and edit), it would be the most popular post on this blog. It’s because I used the phrase ‘big boobs’ in it, having no idea at the time this gets searched, like… a lot. It’s had over 6,000 views alone. Mostly from very disappointed men, I imagine. It’s always a triumph for me, when another post gets more page views in a week that my ‘porn’ post! 😉
    I am pleased, however, that the third most popular post is EMDR and me.
  8. I run the gamut between being hyper-organised and a total disaster zone. On a good day, I’m pleasantly organised and very capable, even if I’m ridiculously forgetful. But you don’t wanna know me if I’m at either end of the scale (annoyingly proficient or completely slothful). It’s painful for everyone.
  9. Sometimes in person, I can come across as over-bearing and loud. Part of me finds that quite strange, as I’m also rather shy and nervous at times. It’s possible the loudness is a cover for the shyness, strange as that might seem.
  10. In my life, I’ve broken the following body parts: left forearm (both bones), right wrist, right thumb, left little toe, three ribs on front left, left second toe. I think that’s enough. I’ve seriously petitioned the universe to say, please, no more broken bones thanks! But then, let’s not even get started on all the soft-tissue injuries I’ve had as well (see previous ‘fact’ listed elsewhere on this blog about me and my clumsiness!)…

As usual, I’m gonna make this a self-tagging game. If you wanna play, then consider yourself tagged. My only rule is, let me know what you post!

~Svasti

The pain, the pain

24 Wednesday Sep 2008

Posted by Svasti in Spirituality

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Brahma, Broken bones, Erawin Shrine, Ganesha, Incense, Ink, Loei, Mantra, Offerings, Pain, Pappy Ganet, Prayers, Puja, red eye, Senses, Sukhumvit, Tattoo, Thai tattoo

En-masse, the people of this world have an aversion to pain. Its part of the survival mechanism, is it not?

From my experience I think physical pain is easier to deal with than mental pain. That’s possibly influenced by the five times in my life where I’ve broken bones (eight in total). Plus the multiple sports injuries and operations (too many to count). Not to mention a bone graft. I feel like I can get to know physical pain. I understand what makes it better or worse. I can see when I’m getting better. Compared to years of depression and trauma, physical injuries are a cake walk.

Yet it’s amusing to think that I was afraid of getting a tattoo for years because I thought it would hurt.

Though perhaps, I was just waiting for the right one. I never wanted a rose or some arbitrary design I’d eventually grow to dislike. I hadn’t seen anything that got my attention until my Guru took his shirt off on our 2007 retreat in the US.

He had a huge Thai Singha Lion in the middle of his back and I was very attracted to the design, the style and energy of it. Very. Like, purrrr… over a tattoo.

At this year’s retreat word went ’round: we had a chance to go and see the man (Arjan Tong) who’d done my Guru’s ink after retreat. WOW!

There was a lot of interest but my Guru didn’t want all and sundry going, especially if it added to anyone’s idea of themselves as “spiritual”.

He surveyed those who put their hands up, asked questions where he thought people were kidding themselves.

I thought you already had a tattoo, he says. I say nope! He nods. That was the extent of his questions for me.

In the end there were two groups of five to go on different days.

It was important to bring offerings, not just money. In fact, we’d been asked not to pay more than 500 baht ($17AUD) so as not to risk insulting him even though it wasn’t a lot to us. But if we brought rice, flowers, fruit, sweets – that would be respectful and well received.

We took a Thai “red eye” bus overnight from Loei to Bangkok. Not recommended. There was scant time or room for sleep as we poured into a friend’s tiny unit to shower and change. And a little meditation and prayer. Aum namah sivaya.

Somehow we flagged a cab in peak hour on Sukhumvit and we were off to the outskirts of Bangkok. Somewhere!

An hour later (thanks Bangkok traffic) and a few wrong turns, we’d arrived. We wouldn’t have known we were there except for a tiny Thai lady who walked up to our cab and almost dragged us out, beckoning us down an ordinary looking lane way. Left turn into a two-man aisle.

Walking past the backs of people’s places, or was that the front? At the end of the lane was a red gate with a red embossed trishul.

Through the door, past people waiting, a sharp right turn and up rickety stairs.

Whoah! The room is alive. Its clear puja (ceremony) has just been completed with the offerings and incense spread under the wall to ceiling altar.

Puja offerings at the altar

In fact the whole room is an altar. My heart is running a mile a minute, the back of my skull feeling like it’s been removed and is expanding dramatically. Wait, I know this feeling from my meditation practices…

We’re sitting on the floor, remembering to take everything they offer us (water, food) as we wait, so as not to be rude. All looking at each other, knowing eyes: This place is off the hook.

The altar is made up of statues and pictures, carvings and images. So many. Members of the tattoo lineage Arjan is a part of. We wait in near silence.

The monks arrive, giving us incense to make offerings. Pray to your god, they say. Everyone who comes in does this too, and soon there’s twenty or more sticks burning at the same time.

Our eyes burn as the incense is pumped around the room by a fan turned on to combat the extreme heat of the day. These are only minor distractions though.

One of Arjan’s students – a Thai man named David – speaks to us, helps us prepare. His English is excellent and he also talks to us about his own meditation practice.

An hour later Arjan himself appears. There’s no rushing this. His eyes light up when he sees our offerings, particularly the rice. He takes his snuff, makes his preparations. This is a ritual folks!

We all jostle nervously – most of us want to go first, deferring to each other. The order changed again. We are all a little bit afraid, but it was something we want regardless. I’ve been told it’s gonna hurt like crazy but I don’t care.

My eyes feel as large as saucers, the back of my head and my spine are expanding. No longer limited to what I generally consider the bounds of my body.

I end up going third. I kneel, placing my money in the polystyrene offering plate decorated with orchids. David and I talk about what I want – not that its necessarily what you’ll get! David translates Arjan’s words back to me – we’ll give you a lovely figure design, everyone will love you. No, I want to have love for all beings, I protest. Well, when you love everyone, then everyone loves you.

I lean forward and hug my knees to my chest. I have to stay as covered as possible. Three men stretch my skin, pulling it taut like a canvass. Arjan draws freehand to guide his work. Then takes the long old fashioned spear and dips it in ink. I relax. He starts and I think – this isn’t any worse than pricking your finger when sewing. And I’d done plenty of that!

This wasn’t pain, not really. But even when it felt a little sharp at times, through breathing it was possible to relax that and remain in the moment. Guruji had spoken to us about zoning out, and I didn’t want to do that.

Smelling the incense, feeling hands and the spear on me, seeing nothing externally as I closed my eyes and meditated, hearing Thai conversations of Arjan with the men around me and the whisperings of my fellow yogis. Tasting the sweat rolling down my face.

David is instructed to give me a mantra to repeat silently until Arjan is finished. When he’s done Arjan prays over his work, tangibly putting some serious energy into it. I turn and bow. I’m given another mantra that I now must do before each meal, three times a day. Every day. Good thing I like ritual!

The remaining two people in our party have their tattoos done as well. We’re all ecstatic!

We bow our thanks when the last of us is done, and farewell the now very crowded room. This time we get a cab to the closest BTS station and train it back to central Bangkok, which is much faster.

I can feel my tattoo. It doesn’t hurt and it barely bleeds, unlike western ones. But it pulses warmth and energy. It radiates and opens. There’s a sense of bliss. We go and visit Erawin Shrine (the wish fulfilling Brahma) and the Pappy Ganet (Ganesha) shrine before finding our hotels for the night.

I know some of my friends had the same experience as me – that it wasn’t painful at all. But others (including the guys) found it almost unbearable.

And I wonder. What is this thing called pain? Why does the same experience cause different levels of suffering for different people?

Is it just that some people have had more dealings with pain, and therefore their tolerance increases? Is it transferrable? Because I’ve had so much physical AND mental pain, does that mean that things phase me less and less? I don’t think I’m less sensitive, in fact I think I’m very sensitive. But perhaps I am less-so in some ways?

Does it also mean its harder for someone to reach in and really touch my heart?

~Svasti

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