New Year’s tidings

Tags

#smallstone, beach, Broken ribs, comfort zone, Happy 2012, Happy New Year, Healing, Inspiration, inwards energy, joy, Karma, outwards energy, peace, self-love, Small Stone 2012, twenty-twelve

Fireworks photo from another year. Re-cycled here because it's pretty.

I’m only getting around to my new year’s post today, the third day of 2012 (just so you know – every time I type ‘2012’ I mentally say ‘twenty-twelve’ in my head, which I didn’t do with 2011. File that under Useless Information!).

Happy 2012, everyone!

I hope you all had a pleasant transition from 2011 to 2012. This time of year isn’t always pleasant though, is it? I know this from experience, as I’ve spent many New Years Eves alone. Although there have been notable exceptions.

Regardless of what I have or haven’t done, my energy since 2005 has been very much inwards. It’s been all about conserving and healing and doing what I needed to do to take care of myself. Understandable really. But it’s made for a lot of fairly lonely times.

This – or rather, last – year, my plans were in flux, changing three times. The last offer both sounded good and a little scary. Going to the party of a friend of a friend of a friend. Appealingly, it was wayyyy out of town, almost in the country. Away from the drunken masses and the sort of “good time” I no longer really enjoy that much. BUT. Also wayyyy out of my comfort zone. New people? Someone else’s friends?

Funny how solo travel, which involves meeting brand new people is exciting. But at home doing the same thing can feel scary. How. Strange.

In my early 20’s that kind of plan would’ve been a no-brainer. Sure thing! Woo! That would’ve been my response, instead of the careful consideration and allaying of fears.

But… it’s time to start letting my energy and actions flow outward a little more once again.

New Year’s Eve

So I did it. I drove to the outer edges of what can still be called suburban Melbourne to meet my friends and their friends (who are absolutely lovely btw). Then we all went to my friend’s friend’s friend’s backyard party.

With a band (awesome tunes) playing, loudly enough to be enjoyable but still allowing conversations to be heard. BBQ eating, being eaten by mozzies, conversations with new people I wouldn’t have met otherwise, and hugs and kisses from friends and strangers alike.

The backyard band on New Years Eve 2011. They were great!

Quiet. Comfortable. Relaxed. And a painless expansion of my (perceived) personal risk-taking repertoire.

New Year’s Day

Unfortunately I didn’t feel so great the next day. A late night, a wee bit of alcohol imbibing, an hour’s drive each way. It meant a dehydration headache on an extremely hot day. Blech.

So for the first of the year, there was lots of resting, water and sleep.

I did however get out at the end of the day, taking myself out for dumplings and tea plus a movie.

The well-named "Love tea"

I also started my Small Stones writing (first post on 8th January), and I’ve noticed this practice is already helping me pay more attention to the world.

As I mentioned earlier in this piece, so much of my energy has been inward for the longest time. Noticing the world requires more of an outward focus. So it’s in line with where I’m hoping this year will go…

Yesterday

We had a second public holiday, which I’d intended to make better use of. But instead, found myself playing nurse to my mother. She’d had a fall before Christmas, and her suspected bruised ribs were in fact broken.

Interestingly enough, she has almost exactly the same injury I had around ten years ago – three broken ribs on the left side at the front. If you’ve got any understanding of familial karma, then this isn’t too surprising.

So I offered to help my mum around the house since my dad is away at the moment. Getting the washing on/off the line, doing dishes, putting things away. All very difficult with broken ribs. Heck, breathing is difficult with broken ribs.

On my way to the timeshare car I’d booked, my neighbour gave me a lift and pointed out that I’m doing more for my mum than either parent did for me when I needed help. But I can’t help it. Broken ribs hurt and I understand it only too well!

I also offered her some tips on getting up and down, reducing the degree/speed of flexion/extension through the spine. I hope she listens, since it’ll help her in the coming weeks!

Just before 5pm I left my parents’ house, determined to do something fun for myself as well.

Since it was still H-O-T I took off to the beach for a couple of dips in the bay, interspersed with reading and drying off in the super-warm breeze, flowing like water. It was heavenly.

I’m back at work today, but will write more tomorrow of my plans and intentions for the coming year!

Blessings to one and all for 2012. May you find inspiration, joy, peace and (self) love.

~ Svasti

Yaaawwnnn…

Tags

Bellydancer, Broken ribs, Depression, Guru, Head on, Human dignity, Kinetic energy, Medication, Muay Thai, Pharmaceuticals, Repression of the Self, Shiva, Susceptibility, Therapy, Vajra pride

Art by Lisa Longworth

This dusty and sticky cocoon of listlessness is claustrophobic at best. At worst… it’s just soooo boring.

Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I think it’ll never really claim me. Not fully. Not forever. Not to the point I can’t eventually pick myself up, even if I do need a little help.

Thing is, I get disgusted with it all in the end. The waste of time and space. Missing the beautiful weather and doing absolutely nothing.

For days. Hiding away, shirking my connection to this world – nature, people, fresh air, self-respect.

But it comes and goes.

Interesting for the first few days, perhaps, sort of. Or, just all-consuming. When the worst of the darkness has passed and I’m still alive and breathing, then… what then?

Need to stop staying up all night (waiting for… what exactly?), start waking up at a decent time, have a shower in the mornings instead of late in the day (if at all), feed myself nourishing food and re-engage with my dignity as a human being.

Dignity, just for being alive.

It’s called Vajra pride – or relating to the world as if you and Shiva (or God or the Universe, or whatever you call it, or not) are one. You are the sun, you are the creative force, you’re already all of these things. And if you are those things, then how does it feel to relate to the world like that?

Now as meanings go, sure, that’s contrived. Like they all are. But it’s a heck of a lot better to relate to that kind of meaning than some others that’ve been floating around in my mind of late.

My Guru once explained that depression is a high energy state, even though it appears to be the opposite. That, maintaining such repression of the Self, is like trying to hold a basketball underwater. You can do it, but its not the natural state of things and it takes a fair bit of effort. And that when the ball is released, it shoots upwards. All that kinetic energy is finally available. So what are you gonna do with it?

Kind of annoying, but good to be aware that once you’ve let depression in, you’re always susceptible. I’ve never felt quite as crushingly awful as I have in the last couple of weeks.

But you know, I never let my susceptibility to anything get in the way before now. For years I had this crazy cyst in my toe which meant it was weak and wearing high heels would hurt. Eventually, I had to give up my weekend job as a bellydancer in the Arabic clubs and restaurants of Sydney because it hurt so much. But after a while, I started dancing again. Took up Muay Thai (kick boxing), too.

Eventually, it broke and I had surgery and now its mostly better. But still, there’s no 12″ heels in my closet.

Last week, my therapist asked me for the first time, if I’ve ever considered medication. And to be honest, I haven’t. Never been big on using pharmaceuticals. Even once scoffed at a doctor who wanted to give me pain meds for my broken ribs. Thank goodness I took the script for that one, though!

Maybe I’m a sucker for punishment, but at the same time and as I told my therapist, unless I find myself unable to get out of bed for two weeks straight, then I’d rather deal with whatever comes up head on.

~Svasti