Healing in 2010 #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Broken, Depression, disassociation, dualistic experience of the world, Healing, injured, Kinesiology, Nieces, patience, pranayama, PTSD, Repression, ringlets, Shirley Temple, Yoga

Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
~ December 19 prompt

I read another #reverb10-er’s post (I lost the link) suggesting that in order to be healed, something must be broken or injured. While this is true, I think many people don’t realise the hurts they are carrying. They’ve pushed their pain so far down inside, they can no longer feel it. I know that was true for me. But we can only lie to ourselves like this for so long.

Almost three years ago my body kicked off a rebellion against the intense repression and disassociation I’d been forcing it to swallow, just so that I didn’t have to. Which led to a bunch of scans, which led to a life-changing discussion with my chiropractor. Before long I had a referral to a therapist, a diagnosis of PTSD and depression and a long, LONG road to recovery ahead of me.

All this healing business has been much harder than I ever thought it’d be. But it’s been absolutely worth it. And this year I’ve begun feeling soooo much better than any time in recent memory. All of my hard work is starting to pay off!

I can’t tell you the number of times this year I’ve found myself just groovin’ along, finding pleasure in all kinds of things and noticing how it resonates through my body and mind.

Now maybe that sounds like a normal day/week/month/year to you. But it’s still something of a novelty for me! There’s still more work to do however. I think there possibly always is, even if the wounds aren’t quite as serious as others.

Because to me, the definition of healing is having an open heart that’s available for anything or anyone. And life in this dualistic experience of the world creates an ongoing pattern of opening and closing. Healing is about making more openings than closings, yeah?

And so without further ado, a short list of the things that have healed me this year. They’ve healed me in different ways – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Some of it happened like a lightning rod and other kinds of healing were more gradual. Some of that healing is still ongoing, as I think it is for most people.

Hugs and kisses from these sweet little darlings – spending time with them makes life worth living. They light me up with killer smiles, their very well developed sense of humour and hilarious antics.

My older niece is a sensitive, observant, thoughtful and sweet little thing, with chocolate-brown puddles for eyes and ringlets worthy of Shirley Temple. She’s also a clown of the highest order.

The younger one has moods that range from the blackest of scowls through to the silliest baby giggle you’ve ever heard. Actually, her giggle sounds like it belongs to a black man! She’s wildly determined, stubborn and knows EXACTLY what she wants…

Yoga – for anything and everything that ails me. Shadow Yoga for teaching me to see my body in new ways and understand that my perceived limitations are just that: perception and not reality. Teaching yoga for understanding more about how to share the gems of yoga wisdom and do so with grace. Yoga is also a measure for how the healing of my shoulder is going…

Physiotherapy – extremely painful but absolutely necessary for helping to sort out my crazy left shoulder. It’s much better than it was, but still not perfect. The physio was important for a while, and gave me a chance to work on my pranayama (as opposed to swearing at or punching the poor guy).

Kinesiology – when this happened, I was suddenly very aware of how much gunk must still be clogging up my body and mind. Luckily, I already knew a rockin’ kinesiologist and we’ve had two appointments so far (the next one is in late January). Each session has been very to the point and as such, quite intense. Also, highly amusing. Especially when unprompted by me, Kerry says things like: Okay, what happened in your life when you were eighteen? Or twenty-seven?

Ha-frickin-ha, body. Clearly it’s time to get a whole bunch of internal house-cleaning done. This work has been right there, in my face and with nowhere to run. Not that I want to run, but y’know…

Acupuncture – the ongoing journey of healing my shoulder has led me to an acupuncturist who works with energy as much as he works with needles. It’s a good match for me, and things seem to be kicking along.

Letting go of expectation and having a plan – oh yes. It was a BIG idea and a fabulous one, to start questioning why the heck I thought I wanted what everyone else seems to want. Simply because it’s what we do?? So now I have a plan, and that plan puts a sparkle in my eyes and grin on my face.

Patience – I can’t begin to explain the importance of learning patience in my healing processes. All of them. Healing is generally not instantaneous. Even those moments that feel super-quick and as though you’ve been hit by a lightning rod are always preceded by much hard work.

Patience, and not expecting change overnight or despairing when it doesn’t happen the way you want it to – these things are so very important to staying on the path. Keeping that healing momentum moving. Then one unspecified day in the future, you’ll be surprised to wake up and find that you’re feeling… not as bad.

And it gets better than that, too. It really does.

~Svasti

Svasti the fan girl

Tags

Broken, Drool, Eyebrows, Fan girl, Gigs, Jay Cortez, Jeff Martin, Music, Rock n roll, The Armada, The Tea Party, Wayne Sheehy

I know… I’m meant to be writing the post about my horrific eyebrow waxing experience, and that’s coming. But right now, I’m very distracted! Actually, I’m feverishly buzzing…

Its 1.30am and I’ve just come home from seeing my most favorite musician in the whole world!!

That would be Jeff Martin, formerly of The Tea Party. I’ve been a fan for over fifteen years. The man is a poet, a prolific musician and lyricist, he’s tall, dark ‘n’ handsome, has a fantastic Canadian accent, undeniable stage presence and to top it all off, he’s totally HOT!!

I stuck with Jeff through his solo years when The Tea Party broke up, saw all his solo/acoustic gigs, and watched as he worked new material in front of intimate audience groups. Then tonight, I had the honour of attending his very first official gig with his new band, The Armada.

They have a great big dirty, hard rock/world music sound with an awesome drummer (Wayne Sheehy) and bass guitarist (Jay Cortez). Their music rips through your entire body like a throbbing drum beat… it was a mind-blowingly awesome gig!

The new material was brilliant, but Jeff isn’t above playing his old hits too. The man rocks hard, then sings lullabies, takes it to the blues, and mixes in some Arabic sounds. When he sings softly, there’s not a sweeter sound, but when he lets rip, it’s one of the hardest rocking and best voices in rock ‘n’ roll today!

Okay, so have I drooled all over my blog enough yet? Hehe!!

No? Okay then, let me tell you how the night ended up!

After an amazing encore, one of the roadies came out and said Jeff and the band would be signing autographs etc, so to hang around. I didn’t have to be told twice!!

While lining up, I met the nicest woman and since I only had my mobile phone camera, she offered to take a picture of Jeff and me with her super-duper camera, and email it to me.

Jeff is just so generous with his fans (I tried my best to be cool, but I’m not sure I managed that 100%!) – for the photo he pulled his arm around my waist in a very cosy hug, resting his head on mine!! I have to say, I never like photos of myself, but I love this one! In it, I’m totally glowing with happiness. So, I should get it via email in the next couple of days (yippee!). I also have a signed tour poster (which will get framed)!

I even got to have a brief chat with Jeff, telling him how long I’ve been a fan, how happy I am he has his new band and thanking him for keeping on keeping on. Talked a little about how I love the way he blends in Arabic sounds as well as the stuff that really hits home for me.

He’s a genuine bona-fide rock star, and he’s also a very sweet and humble guy. And adorable!

One of the highlights of the night for me (besides pressing the flesh with JM), was when he sang Broken (link is to a fan recorded You Tube video).

I love this song because he sings it so sweetly, but also… the lyrics really speak to me as something that happens to us all from time to time, and its certainly somewhere I’ve been recently (sorta still there). Those lyrics are:

Can you hear her

In the wasteland

Hear her calling

Calling to you

From the wasteland

She feels broken

Broken

Because she can’t see the forest for the trees

So send a letter

Say you love her

Say you need her

In the wasteland

Can she hear you

Hear you calling

From the wasteland

You feel broken

Broken

Because you can’t see the forest for the trees

Words were spoken

Now love feels broken

Because you can’t seem to tell her what she needs

She feels broken

Broken

And you can’t seem to calm the stormy seas

She feels broken

Broken

Because she can’t see the forest for the trees

~Broken, by Jeff Martin

My ears are ringing, and I’m not sure if I’m gonna get much sleep tonight. But I’m ecstatically happy to have met one of my musical heroes (and a total hottie!)

~Svasti

Still broken

Tags

Broken, Cognitive behavioural therapy, Frida Kahlo, Gaping wound, Heart, Hugs, Inertia, Meditation, Pain is good, Post, PTSD, Therapy, Walking, Yoga

Each moment I keep moving, writing, talking and don’t shut down… is a victory right now. Its something miraculous because I could oh, so very easily just stop everything. Turn to stone. Close down. Lie in bed and not get up.

A war against inertia is on ladies and gents… I’m winning, just.

The gaping wound in my chest is still there. The sensations keep changing. Expanded. Contracted. Heavy, moving through quicksand, then light as a feather. I ache, I bleed thick dark blood, my bruises on display once more. Weakness and strength. Then a little peace. I’m numb and sad. I’m as insanely furious as Kali’s avenging dakinis. I’m still, not moving. I’m very tired yet I can’t sleep. I can’t cook for myself either. Mostly I feel weak and sick.

I need more hugs than its reasonable to ask for.

The pain – caught between my heart and my throat – bounces back and forth, trying for release every now and then. As it hits my throat I start to cough and choke, my voice grows deeper and more controlled. There’s fear there, too.

I was so sure this stuff was over. I went to Thailand in July, having worked my ass off in therapy for several months. Then, during sublime weeks spent in the wilds of Issan, hit rock bottom (more on this another time). I thought I’d burned the remaining pain away completely. But perhaps I just paved the way to open further? Reach deeper?

Certainly feels that way.

As hurt and messed up as I feel right now, as incapable as I am of doing much more than keeping life support functions operational, I’m glad of it all.

I grew up in a family that believes in taking painkillers for everything – just to take the edge off – so the refrain goes. As I got older, I refused. Personally I like my kidneys and liver. But also, as a sports person, as a martial artist, and then as a yogini, I like knowing what my body is doing. I rely on the feedback so I know when its okay to push and when I really need rest.

Pain is information, not something to be feared (so says my wise Self). Sure, its incredibly uncomfortable but pain tells you what you need to know – if you’ll only listen.

I have tonight and tomorrow to get through before I see my therapist, H. We work well together, H and I. She talks, I reflect. She helps me locate the loose thread on the spool so I can start unwinding that which binds.

I don’t expect though, that as of tomorrow night all will be well again. But it is all systems go – I’m throwing everything I’ve got at this attempted re-invasion.

I have numerous yoga and meditation practices. I’m walking everywhere (feeling my heart pulsing as I wander a-pace!). I have fire puja (ceremony) and the miracle vibrational qualities of mantra. I have self-awareness and knowledge that allows me to see the bigger picture.

I’m exhausted but this time I refuse to lie down and hide.

Instead, I say – bring it on!

~Svasti