A few Thursday thoughts

Tags

Avoidy-ness, Change, honesty, keeping it real, personal power, thursday musings

Not exactly an organised and well put-together post, but this is what’s on my mind today…

• Lately I’ve found myself repeating similar words to a number of female friends in relation to the opposite sex:
  Sometimes, it seems that men are both attracted to and repelled by powerful women. Often, the attraction and repulsion reside in the same man, at the same time.
  Powerful women tend to increase their personal power over time. This can be even more disorienting and repulsive to the exact same man who once found you attractive for the very qualities they now cringe against.
• What you need is sometimes within your grasp and you don’t even know it.
  We make a lot of assumptions in our day to day life: who will help us; what resources we/our friends have; who we can rely on.
  But we don’t know, we really don’t. Which is why you need to ask. And not just via a Facebook blast. Really think about who might be able to help you with whatever it is that you need – directly or indirectly (your friend might know someone who can help you) – and ask them. Via phone, email, text, in person.
  Just ask. You never know who will in a position to help you unless you do.
• We really never know what it is that other people are thinking or feeling.
  Any assumptions or stories we play out in our minds about what so-and-so’s behaviour means? Is just our own melodrama.
  If you have honest friends, you’re lucky.
  If you have honest friends who are good at checking in with themselves and expressing what’s really going on, you’re super-lucky.
  But still, we all conceal things. Out of fear.
• Getting real with ourselves is a life-long, ongoing thing.
  It’s easy to veer off-course, any time. It’s easy to pretend and gloss over what’s really going on. Keeping it real is a real thing. We need friends and loved ones around us to assist in the process of reflection. But meditation is key in getting to the bottom of all of our schizz.
• Avoidy-ness. We all do it.
  It’s worse for us highly sensitive folks. For people who’ve been through the wringer.
  But avoiding stuff doesn’t make it go away. In fact, it causes stress and takes us out of our power.
  These days I’ve got a rule: short term avoidy-ness is allowed. Maybe a week or two. But whatever has to be done still gets added to a “To Do” list and the due date gets listed for after the avoidy grace period.
• Change is coming. Always.
  Yoga is meant to help us cope with change, stress, unusual situations etc… so don’t let your practice just be about how bendy your body is. A flexible mind is much more important!
  Right now, I can see the waves of change lapping furiously at my feet. While off-shore, the much more powerful tsunami-like waves are heading my way.
  I could be terrified of this. In fact, I have been terrified. But I did the work to adjust to the Way Things Are Going To Be, and took some Surfing the Change lessons.
  So come on, change! Hit me up! I’m ready to ride. 😀

~ Svasti

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Change is a funny thing

Tags

Acceptance, autoimmune disorder, Change, control, deep gorges, Freedom, Hashimoto's, Healing, hidden crevices, Kinesiology, personal power, PTSD, tools, traumatic memories, wherewithal

Often we don’t get that change is happening until it’s already here. The birth of change can be troubling, right? Because sometimes we get a little stuck. But ultimately, change has already happened by the time it registers in our brains and what we actually need to do is accept that our reality is different now.

Of course, reality is changing from moment to moment anyway. But when it changes A LOT in a short space of time; when the process is sped up or jam-packed or just significantly different than our current concept of life… that’s when the proverbial hits the fan, yeah?

So all I know is that mid-November, I had an inkling that things were Different. I mean, I had a pretty major hair cut, which is something women do when they’re acknowledging change on some level.

And when I say major, for the first time in 10-15 years, I significantly changed my hair style. Are you hearing me? I’ve more or less had the same hairstyle forever. And as I sat there in the hairdresser’s chair peering at myself in the mirror, these words rose up: Can you chop it off and make it look good? I want it to be a LOT shorter.

Immediately afterwards, I loved it. The girl who’s always had hair at least 3-4 inches past her shoulders now had neck-grazing hair length. It wasn’t short-short, but it was short enough. And to quote a friend: choppy and swishy and good.

But I didn’t really get it then. I was still caught up in the oh-my-goddess-will-I-get-a-new-job-soon momentum, avoiding (for a little while) my health, and planning for my trip to Bali while wondering if I could really afford it. Funnily enough, everything panned out.

I landed a job I love (and still do); I quit sugar – which has had a major impact on my health; my Bali trip was awesome AND due to the speed with which a new job turned up, it wasn’t a financial strain. I found a new and wonderful naturopath and we’re on EXACTLY the same page in terms of treating my health; and, my yoga practice and teaching are going from strength to strength.

Life is getting… better. At the start of this year I was desperately afraid that it wouldn’t. But so far, setting my intentions for Healing and Acceptance has been crazy-powerful. Consequently, there’s all sorts of healing and acceptance going on without my having to put too much effort into it. Or so it seems.

Yet, I was still afraid that all of this good stuff wouldn’t/couldn’t last. That at some point, it was all going to go away again and/or fall apart. Weirdly, I was carrying this around as anxiety that wouldn’t quit. Kinda silly, huh?

Then, last Saturday brought with it another major milestone.

In late 2010, I started having regular kinesiology sessions when I realised I was still struggling with PTSD in some ways. Sure, I wasn’t a complete mess like I had been. But I couldn’t talk about it freely without falling apart. Even though I was once again a functional human being, I wasn’t really okay. Not in my heart of hearts, and it was compromising my ability to move forward in life.

Every single one of my kinesiology sessions delved into the past, purging some other aspect of trauma from my body and mind. I can only liken it to wringing a towel dry – you’ve gotta keep it up til you get all the moisture out… Sometimes dealing with the past was just about being assaulted, but more often than not it also included other traumas from my past.

Because, if you face up to real healing you have to face up to all of your un-dealt with stuff. All of it. It is VERY hard work.

THEN…

For the very first time last Saturday, I had a kinesiology session in which the past didn’t come up at all. Not once.

Instead, we were dealing with this transition time between what has been, where I’m at and what will be.

I can’t tell you how weird that was. There’s been so many false starts where I thought I was “healed”. Most of it was wishful thinking, however: I wanted to be better but I hadn’t really faced up to the whole truth.

Now I have.

Of course, I’m not saying that I’m 100% sure I’ve dealt with everything that needs dealing with. I mean, can anything ever be 100%?

However, for the first time since late 2005, there are no painful shackles imprisoning me to traumatic memories. I’m no longer just a small shift away from tears and falling apart. I’ve inhabited and owned those experiences instead of dissociating from them.

It’s such a powerful feeling because I’m in control. And free!

These are two things that trauma survivors can’t relate to very easily. For example, being assaulted wasn’t something I had any control over. Neither were the years where I didn’t know I had PTSD, or the flashbacks, anxiety, or depression. I didn’t have the tools or emotional wherewithal to do much about it for many years. I also didn’t have much control over the crash-landing of my adrenal system, resulting in an auto-immune condition.

But now I do have tools, control and wherewithal. I’m physically, emotionally and mentally stronger than ever. However, to become strong I had to expose my weaknesses.

So now you can’t even unintentionally hurt me by talking about assault or PTSD. You can’t accidentally kick over my carefully constructed defences and expose my raw underbelly: my wounds – deep gorges and hidden crevices that they were – have healed properly this time with all infections excised and treated.

Managing my health will be an ongoing balancing act for the rest of my life. But, I know what helps and what hurts. And I’ll do everything in my power to minimise the impact of Hashimoto’s on my body and mind.

Yep, I’ve only just noticed that all of this change – in the form of renewed and strengthened personal power – has arrived.

But then, I got my hair cut again last Friday. Even shorter than last time. Yep.

~ Svasti

Branches vs roots

Tags

Anxiety, Bad Old Days, branches, Change, clarity, cloud of doom, Confusion, Courage, dread, Expunged, Fear, gunk, Kinesiology, Nourishment, Panic, peace, Purged, remnants, roots, routed, self-honesty, source, That Which Has Been, Universe, wading boots

This entire universe and everything it contains comes from the same place. This I believe unreservedly.

Our roots are common, but it’s difficult to keep that in mind when you think of yourself as one of the branches somewhere at the top of the tree, far removed from the root system even as it ultimately provides the nourishment we need to exist.

We forget, and find it hard to identify with the whole tree, let alone the source of life that animates us. And we think that if we lose all or part of a branch or twig that we associate with ourselves, it’s a catastrophe. That life as we know it is over…

We get stressed, freaked out and whatever other reactions seem appropriate at the time. But this is just change. And our response to change is only as severe as our association with those things that are a-changing. To feel better, we have to learn to let go.

This concept can be applied to our lives at all kinds of macro and micro levels. Easier said than done sometimes, however!

And I’m reminding myself of this quite purposefully today as I prepare for this evening’s appointment with Kerry from Awaken Kinesiology.

I made the booking last month when I realised I was having some sort of intense energetic response to my five year anniversary. Because I want the remnants of all that gunk routed. Purged. Expunged. So bring it on!!

However, my body has other ideas and is bestowing a rather visceral response in anticipation of this appointment: fear in my belly, anxiety in my heart, confusion and panic in my mind (making things all cloudy and fluffy).

Seems crazy, this little cloud of doom I’m sporting on this gloriously blue-skied and sunny Spring day. The sunshine is matter of fact and reminds me that everything is going to be just fine. Yet, this morning I had to drag my sorry ass out of bed, like the Bad Old Days.

I know it’s all good and I WANT this for myself. Clearly though, there’s more than a few bits and pieces quietly haunting my insides. I function pretty normally now (whatever that means!) compared to how things have been. And maybe for some people that’d be enough. But it’s not enough for me, not by half.

So I’m pulling on my wading boots to trek through the muck. Time for another clean up, you see.

And it has to be done, despite the physical experience of dread that accompanies such ventures. This post is by way of gathering a little courage and exposing what’s going on in my body and mind for what it is: fear of change, even if that change is for the good.

I’m not just the branches, I’m the roots too. Especially the roots!

So here’s to more clarity, self-honesty, peace and freedom from the corset-like confines of That Which Has Been.

And here’s to a little more peace for y’all on this lovely day, too.

Om Shanti!

~Svasti xo

New things

Tags

Change, Fear, geekery, Grace, iPhone, iPhone 4, Ma, new things, parallel universe, scary factor, siren song, Stress, swan song, Tara Stiles, Yoga

"In a parallel reality I was spinning out of control..."

Finally caved and got myself an iPhone. It arrived a couple of days ago. In fact, this post (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) was MEANT to be a test-run publish from the aforementioned new phone via a WordPress iPhone app. But y’know how test-runs often go… things have a tendency to not work out quite as planned. Kind of like life. But yeah.

Anyhoooo. Til now, I’ve resisted all of the wonderful iPhone goodness for one very simple reason: none of the previous models have had a good enough camera. Look – it’s not like I don’t have a decent stand-alone camera. I do. BUT I don’t always carry it with me everywhere, and I like to be able to take photos on the fly of whatever inspires me. Hence the reliance on my mobile phone’s camera. And it has to be good. Well, good enough. And Apple have finally got with the program on that front!

(Evidence: see the strangely appropriate street art photo at the top of this post)

Of course, it helped that my phone contract was up, too. And that my previous phone has been performing it’s swan song for months. So it was perfect timing really. I’d agonised over whether to go with an iPhone, HTC or Android (please excuse the geekery if you’ve no idea what I’m talking about!) but for various reasons, iPhone 4 won. For now.

The last couple of days have been quite geeky as a result. Had to get to know my new friend (yes, a phone can be a friend, can’t it?), and there’s been all sorts of things to set up and configure. Apps to download that make life oh-so-much-easier. Syncing it with my Google contacts and calendar. I’m quite into mobile internet access, and wow, I really didn’t get it before that le iPhone makes many of the things I do on my phone a zillion times easier and funner.

I heart it very VERY much! 😀

And this has of course, been one of the new things in my life recently. But it’s not the only one. There are others. Even if they aren’t all quite as delightful. Actually, some of them are old-new things with an update to keep them ‘fresh’. Others are sooooo brand-new, I don’t have appropriate words for them right now. On account of the scary factor.

More on all of that soon.

Also, more soon on the whole Tara Stiles thing. I’ve calmed down enough now to be able to explain in more detail why I have such an issue with what she (and countless others) are doing in the name of ‘yoga’. That post is a-coming.

There will be another post (also coming soon) titled: “Why it’s actually okay if/when your life falls apart”.

Really!

In the mean time, I’m trying to find a way to bow down graciously in the face of Ma’s (i.e. the universe or whatever you call it!) siren song.

She’s a-coming for me.

Like a big mother bird, she’s firmly but lovingly nudging this little chickling towards the edge of the nest and insisting that I stretch my wings and try flying a little. Whether I like it or not.

As I wrote on Twitter (my favourite place to hang out online) just the other day, right now… I’m living on yoga and Grace. Everything else is completely unknown. And that’s okay by me. Sorta…

~Svasti xo

Change with a sleight of hand

Tags

astrological transition, Change, epic, Limitations, Shadow Yoga, steel wool, Vahni, Yoga

When you’re not paying attention exactly and the wind puffs a hint change through the door that you feel but can’t see… how do you figure out what’s actually going on?

Yeah, good question!

So, determined to keep some structure in my life right now, I insisted on going to my Shadow yoga class on Wednesday night despite the cold and the rain, necessitating that I drape myself in four layers of clothing PLUS a fluorescent orange rain jacket – just so I could cycle down to the studio without turning myself into an ice-block.

It was a good move. Always is, right? Yoga versus no yoga? Really folks, it’s a no contest. I just wish I remembered that at all times (on occasion, this yogini has been known to sink deeper into the couch and tell stories of being too tired for yoga… yeah I know!!)

I’ve had to stop my physio sessions right now due to my lack of employment and all. Y’know, eating and paying the rent before physical therapy! But I knew I couldn’t give up my beloved Shadow yoga classes, so I made sure to pay for the term ahead just as my previous contract job finished. It was a must-have.

Yoga at home is one thing. Teaching classes is another. But then there’s going to a class that truly challenges me with a wonderfully inspiring teacher. It’s so worth it!

I still have my struggles with vahni and my ridiculous shoulder injury persists. BUT this week I discovered a new quality to the wrestling match I’ve got going on with my limitations. It’s not like anything in particular gave way, and yet… wait a second…

Hmmm, it’s interesting to note that vahni is a fraction easier all of the sudden. And that actually, I just need to re-balance with my weight a little further back and WOW that makes all the difference. I’m still yet to master the pose, but already it’s so much less of a struggle. Fractions upon fractions!

When I stood up a powerful current ran right up my arms and legs which made me feel both light headed and really STRONG. Also, while my shoulder joint still feels as though it might be coated in a layer of cement embedded with steel wool, it too, is begrudgingly yielding its limits.

Wednesday night was a wonder.

Thursday was a blur of things I didn’t expect and couldn’t predict. I’d already told the various recruiters I’m dealing with that I wouldn’t be available Friday as I’d made (much needed) plans to hang out with my sister and little nieces.

Of course, this meant the usual cross-purposeful demands for my time arose. Lots of them, most of which I had to put off til next week because there was no way I was cancelling on my sister. So what did people want all of the sudden? Two interview requests. And within the space of an hour I found myself booked for a two week freelance contract (doing my thing in the digital industry – and just in time!).

So my head was already spinning, and then:

• People I haven’t spoken to in ages got in touch wanting to make plans. Via Facebook chat, but of course.
• The lovely Desert Book Chick offered me some freelance writing work, which I am exceptionally grateful for.
• And the aptly named Yogic Muse honoured me in her blogiversary award.

Heh. What the? Is this all some kind of astrological transition I’m unaware of? Or is everything getting just a little more unstuck?

Hard to say, really.

And then there was Friday. But I really need to write another post to tell you about that. Because Friday was epic.

~Svasti

Nothing is wrong

Tags

Change, Dancing, Depression, Exhibit A, Fear, good luck fairies, grasping, inner yogi, lila, Meditation, nothing is wrong, Panic, perceived indestructibility, preferences, Sanskrit, thin-cold fingers, uncertain, unemployment, winter solstice, wrongness, Yoga

Middle of the year and all, only days from the winter solstice (in the southern hemisphere!) and there’s a heck of a lot of shifting going on.

In fact, there always is, right? It’s just that we tend not to notice so much when it doesn’t affect us personally.

Unless of course, you take up yoga, meditation or dancing or some other kind of activity that helps us uncover our sensitivity and connection to the world. Even then, it can be a little hit and miss, depending on how self-involved we are on any given day.

And even then, only if we learn to divest ourselves of attachments to this interaction of interconnected energies. The thing we call life. Because it’s the attachment to emotions, the rules of the game, our form and/or how we perceive others are perceiving us (for example), that keep us tethered to the rule book.

In Sanskrit, the word lila is used to describe life, but it actually translates back into English as ‘play’. The play of life.

Been getting a little freaked out in the last couple of weeks because the contract job I’m doing right now is finishing up at the end of the month. On the 25th to be exact. No extensions are being offered because the company is itself, going through a bunch of transformations.

Like unwelcome acupressure applied directly to the heart, I can taste just a hint of panic rising as the days of June tick by.

My freak out isn’t so much about things ending, as the reasonable possibility that I’ll be out of a job. Again. With two weeks to go, I still don’t have a job, or any interviews lined up. And yes, I’ve been doing everything I can!

And the soul-crippling depression and fear I experienced last year during four months of unemployment is attempting to creep its way back into the pit of my stomach like thin-cold fingers of smoke, grasping at my throat and whispering horror stories from back then.

Of course, I’m talking to a bunch of recruiters and have a several leads to follow up. But nothing is definite yet. Although, as I said to a recruiter I spoke to the other day – when is any job ever definite or secure?

Regardless, a dozen plans have taken up residence in my mind, attempting to allay any potential panic but actually, has led to a great deal of thrashing around as a result. Not so helpful!

But I’m waging a war against such uncertainties, because certainty really is so entirely uncertain. Is it not? We’d like to pretend otherwise, but our fragility and mortality are much closer to the edge of our perceived indestructibility than we think.

Clarity came again one night about a week ago as I took in a sweeping panoramic view of my life as it stands. I calculated how quickly I’ll run out of money this time around (really soon!) if I don’t get a job in a hurry. And considered how I might possibly avoid falling into the same black pit as last time.

But all of these thoughts were based on the premise that something in my life was wrong. Until that moment, I was pretty convinced of the wrongness of not having a job, wielding last year’s experience as Exhibit A. Those four months of unemployment were bad, according to the judgemental little voice in my mind.

Luckily, that judge-voice isn’t the only one speaking provocative ideas inside my head! The next question (proposed I think, by my inner yogi self) was: But what if nothing is really wrong at all?

It went on: The upset we feel when things go “wrong” is often more disturbing than the perceived wrongness itself. And we combine it with the situation we’ve proclaimed as wrong or bad, creating a seemingly insurmountable wall of stress. But really, is anything actually wrong?

For now, I’ve come down on the side of my inner yogi.

Nothing is inherently wrong, regardless of my preferences. Even if I don’t get a job again for months, and even if that means I can’t go on retreat in October (as per my current plans). Even if I have to get a flatmate or move out of my current place and sell most of my possessions. Even if I end up homeless, there’s still not actually anything wrong. It’s just life in action, and my response to those things is something I’m in charge of.

That doesn’t mean I won’t do everything I can to get a job. Of course I will!

My inner yogi wanted to know this, too: Can I apply this idea to any situation? To the BP oil spill? To the death of a child? To natural disasters? To the two year old child in Indonesia addicted to smoking?

Perhaps. I think it’s more truthful to admit that I’m not there yet, but working on it!

To say that nothing is inherently wrong doesn’t mean we don’t care when life gets shitty. We don’t stop participating in life. But we do learn to see the greater interplay of existence. The flow and play of life.

And this blog post represents my attempt to relax into that flow and accept whatever is coming my way, responding appropriately but doing everything I can to avoid falling into a pit of despair should life not go the way I want it to…

~Svasti

P.S. If you find any good luck fairies, please send them my way, stat! 😉

Huzzah! Here’s to flow, change & working things out

Tags

chai, Change, Depression, flow, hooray, huzzah, kirtan, mental health, physio, PTSD, Shadow Yoga, shoulder injury, Twitter, Yoga, yoga for depression, Yoga teacher

Here’s what’s going on right now: more whirring, more change and more opportunities continuing to unfold even as I don’t notice them until they are knocking on my door!

You see, I’ve worked out what was holding me back in the area of yoga teaching. Right now, I don’t want to do it for money! Well, not just yet anyway.

Let me explain – starting with today, even though of course today isn’t the first thing I’d tell you about if I was to write this story in chronological order.

Finally (and it only took me four months), I faxed (and emailed) all the documentation I needed to send in for my membership application to the Yoga Teachers Association of Australia. Hooray! Including payment of my membership fee, and by the time I got home I had an email confirming my membership number!

Double Hooray!! Which means I can now get my public liability/indemnity insurance. Which means I’m all systems go for teaching where ever and whenever.

Also, I went to see my new physio for the first time today. One I found out about via Twitter. After several sessions with my former physio I was getting frustrated when he kept insisting that my shoulder problems were actually just referred neck pain from my messed up neck. And while it’s true that I do have a messed up neck, my shoulder problems are quite specific from a bike accident I had last year (see this post: Crash). As a yogini, I’m probably more familiar with my body than many people and I wasn’t buying his diagnosis.

So I was complaining about that on Twitter, and I got a reply from some guy I’ve never met recommending another physio – someone who looks after all the circus people in Melbourne. Which sounded promising – since circus people and yogis both do relatively weird things with their body.

And yay! He was very competent and definitely thinks there’s something up with my shoulder as opposed to my neck (which has its own issues, but nothing unmanageable). After much prodding and poking, he has a working theory which will require an MRI scan to confirm or deny. And while it may require surgery – we don’t know yet and I’m not about to freak out. Whatever the deal is, I feel like I’m on my way to the correct treatment path and it will be SO GOOD to eventually have full use of my left shoulder back. Which is all good!

After the physio I met up with a new friend – a fellow yoga teacher that I met at Mark Whitwell’s workshop in February. We’ve been discussing the idea of approaching a national organisation here in Melbourne about running some free yoga and meditation classes for those with depression. We both have a history with depression ourselves, and want to give something back to the community. Also, he wanted to borrow a book and ended up borrowing two, and I scored some home-made and very nommy bliss balls!!

My physio appointment finished slightly earlier than I expected, so while I waited for my friend to pick me up, I briefly plonked myself down in a small cafe/wine bar, which didn’t seem to have a name. Bonus – during the week they have a very VERY cheap happy hour, so I downed a lovely glass of red, which set me back all of $2 (I’ll be back!). 😉

ALSO, I’ve just lined up a face to face meeting with another charitable organisation I’ve been in discussions with (via email thus far) about running some free yoga classes. I got the name of the organisation from someone in my kirtan group! This one works with “those who experience mental illness, disability, homelessness, substance abuse issues, addictions, and social and economic hardship”. I will be so happy if I can get some classes going!

There are plenty of yoga classes out there for those who can afford to go. There are even free classes at studios that offer them. But there’s a segment of the community that would probably never make it to a studio yoga class, whether it’s because of socio-economic and/or mental health issues.

And I’ve been in that place where the world seems exceptionally small and painful and feeling nourished and loved seems impossible. Except I was lucky. By the time I developed PTSD and depression, I’d had yoga in my life for many years, and it was instrumental in my recovery. However, there’s a lot of people out there who don’t have yoga, and might never try it. People who’d really, really benefit from it and not just because they want to learn to touch their toes or do a headstand.

I want to bring yoga to those people. And that’s my first order of business as a yoga teacher! Once I worked that out (it came to me in a meditation session on Monday), then suddenly everything started happening.

I’m sure I will eventually start doing some classes that I charge for. But not just yet!

Finally – tomorrow I start a new phase in my Shadow Yoga practice and it’s both exciting and the teensiest bit terrifying. After an awesome conversation on the weekend with the woman whose classes I’ve been attending, I think I might finally be ready to write more about my experiences with this intense and amazing practice.

And that’s my update for now. More to come soon, I just need to find some time (currently in short supply) to sit down and write my heart out for a bit…

~Svasti xo

Autumn creeps in on dusk’s shoulders

Tags

Autumn, Change, Collins St, Degraves St, enlivened art, Melbourne, sandstone, stream of conciousness, Trams

click the image for a larger version...

Running east to west through the main grid of Melbourne’s CBD, the buildings here on Collins Street are quite historical. There’s lots of sandstone (I have a thing for sandstone – don’t ask) and fabulously dramatic structures that look utterly beautiful most times of the day but especially at dusk, even interspersed as they are with more modern buildings. Much of the street’s profile hasn’t changed in about 130 years (perhaps longer), with its elegant tree-scapes running the length of this wide street, home to one of the busiest tram lines in town. Collins Street is enlivened art. Leaving work yesterday around 5.30pm, waiting for a tram in the center of the street, I looked up and somehow my phone’s camera was engaged and before I had time to exhale, *snap* I took this shot. It reminds me of Autumn, with the sun beginning to vanish so early in the evening once again. Soon, those leaves will change colour and sprinkle the depth and breadth of the street with warm golden hues, as if a tiny piece of the remains of Summer were embedded in each one. Come mid-Winter I may not be working here anymore. It’s possibly-probably time for change once again, but that’s cool with me and it might just be what I need anyhow. The good thing about working as a contractor is the reminder that change is constant and necessary, as well as situating me all over the CBD (in general, most of the jobs in my line of work are in the city). But it’s a pretty city, a smallish city. You can walk Melbourne’s main grid easily. It’d take you longer though, if you spend some time searching the laneway bars, cafés and shops this city is famous for (make sure you don’t miss Degraves St). And then trams can take you further and to more interesting outlying suburbs, but sometimes just looking up like I did yesterday, shows you the most interesting things of all. In this case, not right beneath my nose, but above my head…

~Svasti

Yoga Or Die

Tags

Autumn, carbon-based bipeds, Change, chanting, Chogyam Trungpa, Crazy Wisdom Dude, emptiness, gap-world, Love, Meditation, Melbourne, pas de deux, seasons, spaciously vacant, Summer, Yoga, Yoga Or Die

Summer is phasing in and out, performing its pas de deux with Autumn as Melbourne heads back at a leisurely pace into it’s grey wintry world. For the long haul. A blast of cooler air here. Dazzling sun rays streaking through a gap in the clouds looking like one of those paintings where the Big Man In the Sky talks to the people on Earth. A sudden downpour, followed by warmth and humidity reminiscent of early January. The flowers and leaves changing. Darker mornings and a lessened desire to get out of bed as a result.

In this world, I’m finding my feet more and more. And my balance and inversions, too. And discovering that for me at least, there’s no other choice. It’s a little bit like Yoga Or Die. Sure, we’re all dying anyway – don’t you know that the main cause of death is birth? But for me in this life there’s little else that’s important, so it seems.

Sure, there’s my teachers and family and friends and books and dancing and music. But I’m not that enamoured of fashion, eating in fancy restaurants, big cars, having the most toys or anything else. Go ahead and mock my lack of a fancy new flat screen TV if you like, I’ll just giggle at the supposed importance of that inanimate ‘must have’ object or anything else you think my life is lacking.

A simple life seems to bring me more than enough contentment. As long as there’s yoga and chanting, beautiful colours and poetry, candles and easy access to gorgeous natural surrounds then I’m pretty much all good. And hey, is there anything I can do for you? Anything that you need? Being of service fits in right alongside my simple needs, too.

I know that I’ve been a little slack on the frequency of my posts lately. There’s been my recent spate house guests and also, dropping into what that Crazy Wisdom Dude (aka Chogyam Trungpa) called “gaps”.

Yeah, it’s a little weird in here right now and any time I find out that that’s where I am, I have to remember the secret of functioning effectively here before anything else is possible (P.S. one of the key ingredients is LOVE). But more often than not, I find in that kind of space I don’t feel like doing anything in particular. Not even writing, much as I love and rely on it at other times. Much as I’ve got lots to say and plenty of draft pieces lying in wait.

And I know I’m sitting in one of those gaps when my thoughts turn to the complete beauty and yet utter pointlessness of everything. Not in a depressive frame of mind – I’ve had plenty of that and I can tell you this is WAY different. In fact, these days I suspect that some of those episodes of depression were in fact, gap-flavoured. Maybe that’s how some of them started off in the first place?

Because the thing about gap-world is that it feels starkly empty and spaciously vacant. And more often than not, that makes carbon-based bipeds with a tendency towards awareness feel rather neurotic or anxious or both. What’s wrong with me? we ask… (The answer, actually, is “Nothing”. But we rarely believe such home-spun truths).

And so we try to work out how to fill all that space instead of just letting it be.

But if you can keep your hands and your thoughts to yourself, it’s a bit of a free-fall at first, and quite terrifying. Kind of like falling asleep in the way we renounce control of our faculties (which is also said to be similar to the change of the guard when we die) except that we’re awake. Awake and yet not anywhere in particular. But of course that can be frightening!

Slowly, like Autumn’s certain advance, I find I begin to notice this emptiness is in fact not empty at all. It’s just a world apart from the usual busy day to day-ness of most of the rest of the time. And it’s not so scary afterall.

All the spaciousness that characterises gap-world is like an extended meditation where nothing is the focus and nothing is the result. However, it does leave room for an expansion of sorts. More often than not what I notice is the size of my heart. It feels like it’s grown at least as big as my entire body, if not larger.

And it speaks it’s very own language as it generates waves of love and compassion for everything in this world, including myself…

~Svasti

Nothing’s ever the same

Tags

Change, Forgiveness, Growth, Guru, Impasse, Nothing’s ever the same, Water under the bridge, Where to?

We say – it’s not the same as it used to be – or – it’ll never be the same again – about stuff we don’t like. Rarely do we say it about anything that makes us happy, right?

But actually nothing is ever, in fact, quite the same.

You’re not the same as you were yesterday – a gazillion cells in your body have died and been replaced (or not), the day is a different day, everything has grown or decayed just a little more, it’s a little older (never younger) or more decrepit, things move closer together or further apart, or something’s been completed.

Nothing is ever the same.

A little while back I pulled a quote out from a recorded lecture by my Guru. Soon as I heard it, bells rang and I quickly wrote it down, then tweeted it. Then wrote it here. But it rings truer and truer all the time.

Things don’t get better, they just get different.

Right. Different. Last week was different, and this week again, is very different.

So, things are different all the time. But they don’t have to be totally different, do they? I mean, they can be. But they don’t have to be…

Which brings me to these questions… Where do we go from here? How do we break this impasse? Can we get to that point of water under the bridge?

Of course, eventually it will be (water under the bridge) but what kind of water?

Nothing is ever the same, but that can be a good thing, too.

At least, that’s what I’m hoping. Let’s not give up, okay?

~Svasti