A serving of help with a side of reflection

Tags

abundance, cats, Community, Depression, exhaustion, Generosity, gratitude, Hashimoto’s, Love, neighbours, PTSD, Support

A tricky thing for semi-wild/semi-tame creatures like me is letting people in. I wasn’t socialised that way, and for all of my longings for lots of friends and a connected network… well, it’s a two-way street isn’t it?

You see, it’s not just about give and take. It’s that you have to be okay with receiving: accepting what’s offered, free of charge.

Like many people, I had to learn that generosity helps keep the world turning. Our culture is one of consumption and usage and fulfilling our needs. Our own personal needs, that is. Not all families teach their kids about generosity to those outside their family. Mine sure didn’t.

So I’ll admit it: I used to be stingy. For example, many years ago, I used to feel hard done by if I was out for dinner with a bunch of people and my meal cost less than everyone else’s and yet I was expected to pay the same amount as others. I haven’t been that way for a long time now. I give away money, food, clothes and I’ll pick up the dinner tab for me and my friends if I can afford to.

My yoga studies and being around my Guru changed my self-centered feelings of lack, into generosity. Through demonstrations of compassion, sharing, love and giving, thankfully I learned that abundance comes from sharing what you have.

But allowing others to be of service to me (when I’m not paying for it) is something I’m still learning.

A little while ago I asked the universe for a helping hand, because thanks to Hashimoto’s I struggle like a mo-fo with my energy levels sometimes.

It can be exceptionally difficult to get out of bed, but not in an: oh it’s Monday and I don’t wanna go to work, kind of way. What I mean is that it’s physically difficult because I’m exhausted down to my bones.

This means things like taking the rubbish out, doing the dishes, cooking meals and so on, are challenging.

Even though I asked for help somewhat whimsically, I knew I was asking for something I genuinely need. I’d no idea where it’d come from or even if it would.

But it did!!

Little did I realise it’d be my neighbour. I live at on the ground floor at the back of a deep block of apartments. She lives at the front.

By some strange twist in my itinerant lifestyle, I’ve been living in the same apartment for over 2½ years now. For me, that’s seriously some kind of personal best. It’s possibly the longest I’ve lived in one place since I was eighteen.

Anyway, my neighbour and I have little chats whenever we happen to see each other. She has a little girl, and is a stay-at-home mum with a somewhat distant de-facto husband. For ages, I couldn’t remember her name even though she’d introduced herself when I moved in (thanks, PTSD short-term memory failure).

Our friendship has grown organically. At first we swapped pleasantries, then we spoke of her little girl and my nieces. Of job frustrations, and eventually, more personal things. Her relationship issues. My history of PTSD and depression. All while hanging out the washing or talking over her (ground floor) balcony etc.

Then came the little favours. She picked up Miss Cleo cat from the vet after her surgery last year. I’ve looked after her beautiful sweet grey boy cat and she’s fed and dispensed pats to Miss Cleo in my absence.

Miss Cleo and grey neighbour cat (they have a love-hate thing going on)

And so on. We’ve swapped thank you gifts, but we’ve never really taken it any further than that.

Until she noticed me limping around (both times) with my calf muscle tear and asked what was going on. I told her a bit, but as she was on the phone we said we’d talk another time.

Saturday of last week, I’d just come home from my yoga class and was getting ready for my thyroid ultrasound (which is NOT fun btw). She came out of her apartment and I explained about Hashimoto’s and the limping and so on.

I was already feeling pretty emotional, but then she tipped me over. Well if I’m cooking, I’ll put some aside for you if you like. It’s no trouble.

Sobs. This is more than my own parents have offered to do for me. Then she adds, If you need to talk, if you’re feeling really bad or need help with anything, just let me know.

We hug and I tell her how grateful I am for her support. Monday night, she sends me a text message to let me know that dinner will be waiting when I get home. I’m blown away by her kindness and even more so when in response to my gratitude, she texts back: You deserve a helping hand.

Whoah. I do?

The dinner is really tasty. Butter chicken, rice and vegetables.

I’m still sitting with this idea however, that someone thinks I deserve support. Accepting and receiving care is humbling for me. I guess I’m just not used to it.

But I’m realising that in order to be an effective giver of services to others, I also need to know what it feels like to receive.

I’ll tell you what it feels like. A freakin’ miracle, that’s what.

~ Svasti

#reverb10 – a community quilt

Tags

bejewelled inner nature, benevolence, Blogging, Community, haven, kirtan, Lonliness, Love, overflow station, patchwork quilts, PTSD, purging, rejection, self-preservation, teetering, Twitter, virtual world, Writing, Yoga

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
~December 7th writing prompt

Sometimes it’s what I crave more than anything else – a sense of belonging to a place, to people. That I’m somehow important enough to someone that we don’t go more than a day or two without talking or hanging out.

This hasn’t been my experience of life in recent times. And while I crave this thing, I very much feel the ringing absence of it all and I wonder how it’ll ever be any different. So I do what I always do, and hunker down close to the things I know. And that can be lonely, but at least there’s no feeling of rejection there. Just… space.

I’ve watched my idea of community change a whole bunch in the last few years, as much as I’ve experienced it shrinking then growing again in unexpected ways.

Before 2010 I spent so long hiding away from everyone, licking my wounds in private and slowly losing touch with those who might care.

Mostly just because it was easier than saying things like:

Yes, I was assaulted. I wasn’t raped, just beaten up. And even though it only happened once, I somehow developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and depression – and I’m way more surprised about that than you’ll ever be. I’m also highly embarrassed and pretty messed up. Actually, I’m really fragile in lots of ways and it can be so much effort just being out around other people, frightening me with their mysteries. Sometimes, I even consider committing suicide because constantly living in terror and having flashbacks is both exhausting and soul-destroying.

If only I could’ve said those words: they needed to be said in order to feel like I was heard. Seen. But I couldn’t, of course. Mostly because I didn’t even know what was going on for a while. Then, once I did, it wasn’t like I suddenly felt the urge to share. So my community grew small. Smaller. Smallest. Gone.

Then a flicker of life, the tiniest of sparks came back to me when I began blogging in 2008, kick-starting the process of purging sticky toxic grime from the insides of my skin.

Silently (to those not in the know) and wordfully, I published my screams and terrors and found others like me: teetering on the edge of our own extinction and yet somehow finding the strength to fight back.

Throughout, I’ve gathered my online community like the cosiest of patchwork quilts, adding another patch here and there. Creating comfort and warmth.

Some have been with me from the start, or shortly thereafter. Others are more recent. They’ve either discovered me, or I came across them – it matters not. In each other we’ve recognised the reflection of our bejewelled inner nature… we salute another solid gold soul and each and every one of you (and there are many) make me happy. Your benevolence gleams brightly in my eyes and heart.

Twitter has enhanced the sharing and further developed these friendships. I’ve even been emboldened to meet a few of my blog and Twitter friends, which has been just like I expected: in the flesh, people I’ve known and loved online and from afar are as marvellous as I imagined (oh yes, you are).

I don’t really understand how it works – but all these people I would never have met or known otherwise are now a part of my life in one way or another, and that seems mightily precious and special. How did you get here? I’m not too sure, but get here you did. Thank you for that!

My online life has been one of safety. It’s allowed my writing skills to grow, and created a haven of protection for the things I’ve had to say. My blog friends have helped me understand that no matter what I’ve shared, I am loved anyway. That is inexpressibly invaluable because it’s not something I’ve had in spades very often.

Words that might never have passed my lips any other way have escaped as pixels on a page and were launched into the stratosphere via WordPress. They’ve gained freedom from the prison of my inner world and in doing so, helped very much to change my own perspective on my experiences. It’s kind of magical in a way!

My blog has changed over the last two and a half years. It used to be just about purging the grief, anger and horror from my lungs, my heart, kidneys and all those other great hiding places within.

Now, I balance writing on mental health topics with my ever unfolding interest and love of yoga. And in this I’ve found new friends – more treasured patches for the quilt!

Then, my online world started spilling into the non-virtual in other ways. Someone suggested I use a service called Meetup.com to find local interests (and therefore people). Which is how I found the kirtan group I’ve been a part of since late last year. More about kirtan in another post very soon!

This year the dynamics have changed – a core group of us became not just people who meet up once a month to chant, but suddenly we had each other’s phone numbers and email addresses and outside that original circle, friendships are slowly growing.

But I can be hesitant to allow people into my life. The only time that’s different is those lightning moments where the spark of knowing transcends any sense of social awkwardness. Instantly, a stranger and I are friends and it’s always been that way, will always be that way.

Mostly though, it doesn’t happen like that (except for when it does).

This is how I’d like my community to grow in the coming year: I still need my online safety net – in some ways it’s the overflow station for all the things I can’t/don’t want to say or do elsewhere. But I’d like to find a way to prise open my stringent self-preservation a little. Crack the corner a bit and let myself out to play with abandon.

I suspect I might not have any choice about this anyhow – being nudged by the universe as I am to teach yoga more and more. And the more I teach, the more I’m lovingly forced to open. Don’t think I can actually teach any other way.

Community isn’t just about what you get from others – it’s something you contribute to and help create. And I think it’s coming for me, as I am for it.

Love. I have lots of it to share and I hope y’all out there are ready for it…

~Svasti

Happy Diwali

Tags

Community, Diwali, Essence Nature, Festival, illumination, inner battles, kirtan, lights, mediation, Rama, Ramayana, rangoli, Ravana, Sita, Swami Satyananda

Image from Free Greeting Cards: http://is.gd/gLDVe

Heading out in a little while to a Diwali celebration at a friend’s place – someone I met through the various kirtan groups I’ve been hanging out with.

Diwali translates as “row of lights” and it’s a beautiful tradition. Basically, it’s about bringing people together and sharing food, activities and fun. Many lamps are lit to create a beautiful illumination over the five days of Diwali.

Diwali also ties into the Ramayana, as a celebration of Rama and Sita returning from Sri Lanka after Rama (and Hanuman) defeated the demon Ravana. So your basic triumph of “good” over “evil” or light over dark. I always like to consider these sorts of stories as inner work: we all have our demons, our inner hero and that part of us that needs to be protected. And when we accomplish a triumph or two over the “darkness”, or those things that would pull us down and away from our essence nature, there is a sense of illumination – hence all the lamps.

He who Himself sees all but whom no one beholds, who illumines the intellect, the sun, the moon and the stars and the whole universe but whom they cannot illumine, He indeed is Brahman, He is the inner Self. Celebrate the real Deepavali by living in Brahman, and enjoy the eternal bliss of the soul.

The sun does not shine there, nor do the moon and the stars, nor do lightnings shine and much less fire. All the lights of the world cannot be compared even to a ray of the inner light of the Self. Merge yourself in this light of lights and enjoy the supreme Deepavali.
~Swami Satyananda

And hey – this year has been full to overflowing with my own inner battles. In fact, life’s kind of been like that for the last five years! So I’m very much looking forward to this evening of honouring the light in myself and other people.

So what does a private Diwali celebration look like in Australia? Well, first of all, our hostess is originally from India, so it will be a hybrid Indian/Australian festival. We will make rangoli, get our kirtan and mediation on and later, eat together. I’m contributing some Indian desserts and organic wine, and a whole mass of tea lights.

And I hope that you take a moment to reflect and appreciate all that you’ve achieved this year. All the demons you’ve battled and defeated, and remember that all of us are none other than Essence Nature.

Even the “demons” we encounter – they are too, are just working through their own perceptions of this life.

Om Shanti!!

~Svasti

Thinking of you…

Tags

Acceptance, Blogosphere, Community, Friendship, Group hug, Hermit, Love, Pain, Support

In my ever-growing bloggy network, I’m amazed by the range and number of people that I find – or who find me.

Who knows if in person, we’d be friends? But here, where we share so much of ourselves… in an environment that should by all rights, be cold and impersonal (and is anything but)… where I share things that matter and/or pain me the most… I’ve found a number of wonderful friends.

Unfortunately, there’s been a bit of a disturbance in the force, so to speak.

By that I mean, a number of my blog friends are having a something of a hard time right now. Quite a few, actually.

So this post is a little shout out love to some of the peeps I read regularly – who are currently in dire straits. All of the following could do with a little cheering on from the sidelines.

(If you feel so inclined, leave a message of support on their blogs. I know they’ll appreciate it.)

Clinically Clueless – otherwise known as ‘CC’ – recently had herself admitted to hospital for treatment as she hasn’t been doing so well. CC has survived so much, and she’s still fighting hard.

Tricia – here’s another woman who’s been through the wringer a few times. She recently posted a laundry list of the trauma she’s been through in her life. I’m sure its not all of it from what I know about her already. But its more than one person should bear.

Dano – lately she’s been struggling a little. But I’m very proud that her art will be included in an exhibition in her local area. Hopefully she posts some pictures!

Chunks of Reality – she’s had a lot of trouble just getting out of bed lately, and has recently gone for a job interview that sounds really great. Good luck, Chunks!

Michelle Tackaberry – aint feeling so hot about her messed up school schedule. There are other paths though, and I’m sure something will turn up soon to help you on the way to writing that book you’d like to finish!

Jaliya – who also had herself admitted to hospital to combat her depression and PTSD in recent times. She’s got internet access there, so she’s still posting occaisionally.

Immi – it wasn’t enough to be dealing with mental health issues. Some f*#ker had to go and smash into Immi’s car – (with her inside). Yikes! Physical pain, while it does heal eventually… freakin’ sucks!

Victor – was recently retrenched from a place he’s been working most of his life. And now, he’s at a cross-roads with no idea which path leads forward the best. I’m convinced all will be revealed for him.

If you should also be on this list – my apologies. In fact, I’m sure this list isn’t complete. Mostly coz of my terrible bullet-hole ridden memory… which ain’t no friend o’ mine.

If there’s one thing my Guru has said that I’ll never, ever forget, it’s this:

No one gets enlightened on their own

Recently, I was discussing with a friend the sultry attractiveness of life as a hermit. In some ways, it’s totally my idea of a good time. However, I do get that community is very important.

And that’s what we have here, in the blogosphere. Community, of a sort.

There are plenty of other blogs I read and comment on from time to time. I consider y’all a part of my lil blog community here, too…

A little message, from me to you

Even when you think you’re on your own. Know that you’re not… (I need to remember this as much as anyone).

Your thoughts of self-hatred, sadness, alienation, pain, sadness, anger, distress, anxiety – and more – plus any positive feelings you might be having… you’re not experiencing these without others who can relate. Who’ve been there too.

Pick a person in the crowd – you’re gonna find that almost everyone has experienced pain, loss, grief of some kind.

None of us are so different than the masses, even when one of those masses in a huge all-wheel drive car, and you’re on a push bike and the dude in the car thinks its a good idea to monster and yell abuse at you for no good reason…

Well, that driver? He too, suffers in some way. And if he could get over his anger, his need to defend against others so much… maybe he’d see he doesn’t need to give a poor ol’ cyclist a hard time. Or be so damn angry in the first place!

This funny old world we live in, where for some, its easier to reach out to complete strangers online than it is to check if your neighbour’s doing okay… all we really crave, each of us, is… Friendship. Love. Acceptance. Support.

To all of my friends: know that you have mine.

~Svasti