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Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

~ Recovery from PTSD & depression + yoga, silliness & poetry…

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

Tag Archives: confession

Kick-ass kinesiology ftw

11 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

affirmations, Anger, bush flower essences, cheated, confession, crystals, finger-in-the-pie, Forgiveness, giggles, Kali, Kinesiology, lost years, muscle testing, rape, Shiva, spring clean, tuning forks, unstuck, Zombie

So here’s a confession for you, although not a particularly juicy one: I have no freakin’ idea how kinesiology works. I just know that it does.

Perhaps it functions as a channel to communicate directly with the body, or the higher self, our guides or even the universe. Or perhaps all of those things are really just one and the same and it doesn’t matter what you think you’re communicating with. What matters is that it gets to the heart of things. The truth. The stuff that needs to be heard and dealt with – kinesiology connects with all of that beautifully. Intuitively.

Also, by way of a secondary confession: I giggled heartily throughout of Monday’s kinesiology session, tears seeping from the corners of my eyes! I giggled at myself and at the very, ummm… finger-in-the-pie spot-on-ness of stuff that was coming up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t become hysterical in my laughter (right, Kerry?), but it was probably close.

I knew, totally KNEW without a doubt, there was more to do in my inner world. More to clear out. More to resolve. Because I want to become as functional a human being as I possibly can. I have no idea how much work there is to do still – and of course, that’s not counting any gunk I’d accumulated before the last five years. But hey, if I can even spring clean those last five years from my body, heart and mind then I’ll be an extremely happy lady…

My very first encounter with kinesiology was years back, when I worked for a chiropractor. She’d use it in practical ways to assist her chiropractic treatments, but then she also once used it to help me clear out a really bad dream (that was, if you like, related to a past life). And yep, that’s a story I haven’t written here.

I had a little more kinesiology several years after that to combat yet another traumatic dream memory – but that one was related to experiences from this life time.

Then there was a little kinesiology about four months after I was assaulted – still living in a daze, still thinking that I could wait out all of the nightmarish things that made life so unbearable… The treatments I had at that time, however, were about just getting me to a somewhat functional state. The months preceding that, I was little more than a zombie. Floating through my days, and trying not to feel. Trying to ignore the photo negative imprint of his eyes seared onto my retinas… trying to sleep my days away as obliviously as I could. Wishing for all the world that I’d just stop existing.

My kinesiologist at that point related her own horror story: being raped by someone who’d become infatuated with her. Raped at knife point, over and over. I remember being amazed that she could speak so calmly about it. It’s only been in the last year that I’ve been able to talk about my own experiences without completely losing my shit.

It was through the lovely Nadine that I learned of Kerry. I went to Kerry and Nadine’s first Unstuck workshop (which was awesome, by the way) and through the synchronicity of these experiences, I knew I’d end up going to see Kerry at some stage. I just wasn’t sure when.

Well, the ‘when‘ is right now. So turn up the heat, baby!

Monday night included much head nodding, many ‘doh’ moments, and the aforementioned hilarity. Kerry would do her thing with the muscle testing and speak words that couldn’t have been more spot on if she’d been inside my head. Lots of my ‘stuff’ was demanding to be heard and in no uncertain terms. Very blunt, it was.

We’d talked about what I wanted to do with these sessions, and Kerry wrote a series of affirmations for us to work with. I think the list went something like this:

  • I trust myself
  • I trust my decisions
  • I trust that I’m headed in the right direction
  • I find my perfect weight
  • I forgive myself
  • I can forgive the past

Uhhh… say WHAT?

I. Can. Forgive. The. Past?!?!?!?!

Ermmm, well not really, actually. Not right now.

I could barely get the words out of my mouth when Kerry asked me to say them. And right then I wasn’t laughing any more. In fact I was choking a little, the way I used to in therapy when working on something really difficult.

Oh. Apparently, forgiving the past wasn’t okay with me. And perhaps for the first time, I explained it out loud and in fully formed sentences…

I feel that in some really important ways, the last five years were stolen. Wasted. Despite what I’ve learned and how much I’ve grown and had to come to terms with myself, there’s a part of me that would trade ALL of that to get those years back. To be as fit and healthy as I was then. To still possess the same level of happiness and confidence. To have been in a position to date and/or be in a relationship. To have possibly met someone I wanted to have kids with.

That last one is HUGE. I’ve been grieving for those lost years.

And I love kids, really, really, really. I wanted and STILL want the opportunity to be a mother. Like a lot of women, and I know I’m far from alone in that. I’m thirty-eight, and in December I’ll be thirty-nine. While I know that some women are fortunate enough to meet their partner and have babies at this age and later, I feel… good god but I feel so ANGRY and CHEATED out of those years! Prime years, where the chances of me being able to get pregnant were better than they are now. Better than they’ll ever be again.

Those years are gone and I can not get them back. There’s nothing I can do about it. And the person I’m angry at of course, is me. Kali and Shiva help me!

And so we worked those affirmations, and a whole bunch of other stuff I probably can’t remember correctly. In addition to muscle testing, kinesiology uses some awesome tools – like bush flower essences, tuning forks, crystals (apparently I need to acquire a blue lace agate) and prayer cards (cheeky things!). And there’s a bunch of stuff associated with the results of whatever comes up and those words as I mentioned were cutting right through. No messing about!

But we weren’t done yet. There was another message for me – seems I’m not doing enough to satisfy my creativity. Apparently the blogging and the yoga teaching are good, but my body/higher self/guides/the universe wants more. Wants me to write more!

Say what?!!

Which is, y’know, terrifying. I like my little blog here, and the idea of drawing more attention to myself by getting stuff published makes my mind turn to mush. In fact, I don’t have the faintest idea how I’d go about getting published! Or what I’d write or for what sort of publications.

Kerry did suggest perhaps writing more about what I know – perhaps stuff that would’ve been helpful to me five years ago if I’d come across it… and that’s a great idea because back then, it wasn’t easy to find support groups or even websites that were specific to people in my shoes.

For now, I’m just putting it out there that I plan to make inquiries, see what I can find out and perhaps even plan a few pieces. Which still sounds scary but actually, somewhat manageable.

So Monday was AMAZING (and that’s not even counting the two calls I had about upcoming yoga teaching work!). We shifted a lot of energy and made a good start on the spring cleaning. Even if I looked and felt a little fried when we were done!

There’s more to do though, but that’s for next month…

~Svasti

P.S. ftw = for the win

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Superwoman Monday

20 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Svasti in Life

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Bali, confession, Depression, internal saboteur, Retreat, sad face, schlepping, Super-Yogi-Woman, Superwoman, toute suite, yoga teaching, Yogini

Once again, I’m flying through time and space like… like… well, Superwoman. Or Super-Yogi-Woman, perhaps?

So wassup?

Well, there’s things to tell you! Last minute plans to organise! Way overdue articles to finish for others! Invoices to write! Clothes to iron!

And all before a 10pm bedtime after a day that started EARLY.

First up, a confession: none of my blokey yoga classes happened. NONE OF THEM. Each Thursday afternoon there was a different excuse (we couldn’t get the numbers/the guys are away sailing/everyone’s at the snow). Either these excuses are valid, or there’s another reason. Like perhaps their commitment to a 6:15am Friday morning class isn’t as strong as they thought it might be. Or maybe (and this is the one my internal saboteur keeps insisting on) it’s that I wasn’t their (cute/blonde) regular teacher, who was very surprised to hear of the lack of class attendance. I was disappointed, and I’m waiting to find out if the blokes in charge tell her another story. Yeah…

But I’m trying to just move on from that. Because as I recently wrote, my other class at Yoga in Daily Life was FANTASTIC!

Secondly, I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting to the retreat I’m meant to be going on in October. Not unless I suddenly win some competition with a cash prize that I forgot that I entered. Or something like that. I’m sad. Actually, I’m pretty bummed about it. I’ll miss very much seeing my Guru and catching up with fifty odd-friends I haven’t seen for two years. And I really, really coulda done with being secluded and focusing on my practice for a nice long stretch of time. Really.

I’ll be okay though. I mean, there’s a tonne of yoga stuff happening next month. And it won’t be the last chance I ever have to study with my Guru and see my friends. It’s just that this was the final year of seven years worth of study. That’s right – I’ve been doing yearly retreats for six years now! This final one is gonna be EPIC, and I can’t be there. *sad face*

Anyhow… time to change up the tone here and talk about some stuff that DOESN’T bring out my *sad face*:

  • I’m very honoured that I’ve been included in a list of bloggy goodness: 101 Blogs to Help You Deal With Depression – of course, that’s quite a decent list of depression related blogs/websites, so it’s a very useful resource.
    ALTHOUGH, I was surprised that my Catatonic Kid wasn’t listed (note: she’s also writing another blog now called Treating Anxiety). And others (take a gander at my blogroll over —> there)!
    There’s plenty of others that should be there, but then that’s the way with lists, isn’t it? They always stop at a certain point, so there’s omissions by default. Anyway. Don’t forget to check the list out!
  • I’m helping friends of mine promote a very cool sounding retreat in Bali early next year. Hopefully I’ll get to go as well. More on that one soon!
  • Oh! At very short notice, I’m now teaching a yoga class tomorrow night at a laydee’s gym. And nope, I won’t be watering anything down for the gym-going crowd…
  • As such, I am currently schlepping together a class plan toute suite!!
  • Speaking of the ol’ yoga teaching thing, seems I’ve registered a business name, a domain and I’m in the process of setting up my website. Which I WON’T be publicising here, on account of the whole keeping this blog and my professional life a little seperate (the point of the whole nom de plume thang, y’know). I will be promoting my site via Facebook though. But yeah, I have a business name I LOVE, something that came out of a meditation experience.
  • Oh and after spending another two weeks gainfully unemployed, I’m now working again for the next four weeks. Nothing spectacular, just some admin job that I took because it was there. But hey, given my current hot-cold job situation, I ain’t being choosey!
  • Still looking for a more permanent job in my industry that’s interesting…

~Svasti

P.S. I think y’all should go and check out Suburban Yogini TV. Because she rocks. 🙂

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Confession time…

30 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Svasti in Learnings, Uncategorized, Yoga

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

bazillion excuses, confession, fantastic voyage, transformations, Yoga, Yoga teacher

There are things I very badly want to tell you. No wait, I want to take you with me and show you instead, perhaps sliding into some kind of fantastic voyage vehicle, shrinking us down to microscopic dimensions and go within, go deep and far. And show you on some kind of cinema screen what it is that I see – my perception of the world and how I feel moment to moment. I want you to know for yourself because it’s quite possible that my words are so dreadfully inadequate or even that I’m using the wrong ones, and that I’ll never really be able to explain in a way that reflects what’s going on. At least, what I think is going on. Heh…

I have this theory, y’see, if we could all look into each other on a cellular level like that, perhaps we’d really get that there are no differences at all from one of us to the next.

Also, it’d be a handy shortcut for my current attempts to explain the unexplainable, to express transformations that remain entirely invisible to most. Because they’ve been rocking my world drastically and yet I’m bereft of explanations that make sense, even to me.

But here once again, I will try. So please forgive my lack of flow or any sketchiness, if you’d be so kind!

And now for a diversion. A confession if you will! Because I’m gonna have to keep writing til I can find a way to grasp what it is I really need to say. But also, I suspect the content of my confession has something to do with the above, too. Right!

So here’s the thing – I’m yet to start teaching yoga as the recently qualified 500 hour Hatha Yoga trained teacher that I am.

I’ve created roughly a bazillion excuses thus far. I felt shy, presumptuous, inexperienced, and unsure of myself. I had to save the money for my Yoga Teacher Association of Australia fees (which I conveniently kept forgetting to include in my budget – it’s not that much, it’s all about the planning). I didn’t think I was good enough. I’ve never been overly popular so who’d come to my classes? I’m not great at being the person in the center of the room (unless I’m performing in a costume). I haven’t perfected every asana and that’s not good enough. I want more experience of how other teachers teach before I try…

Yeah, I’ve got a lot of energy invested in not letting myself do what I want to be doing. Even though I know (somewhere in there) I’d actually probably be good at it, possibly maybe. Sure, I’d feel a bit nervous at first but then as I built on my confidence I know I’d find my flow and ahhhh… it’s not like I think I’d be “brilliant” from the get go – I know it takes time and experience to build up one’s teaching chops. But I’d do okay, I’d find my way of teaching with my current experience and skill.

And I think I’ve even let my experience of Mark Whitwell’s workshop and the Zen retreat bamboozle me, even as I gained so very much from what I learned with them both.

I know, of course, there is no other way but to do it. To get started, advertise and lead that first class. I know that, I do… and I’m about to send off my paperwork to get registered with the YTAA and get insurance coverage and all of that (yes, I finally put it in my budget!).

But it’s like I’ve deliberately held myself back, in case I actually succeed! Because what would happen then? I’ve watched The Blisschick go about doing exactly that with her Yoga Dance classes and I’ve read her posts and tweets about how exciting it is, and how much fun she’s having and I… sit on my ass and avoid planning!

Who will I be if I start teaching yoga? Even if it’s only one class a week to begin with? Yeah, that’s kinda what’s scaring me right now…

~Svasti

-37.814251 144.963169
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