Getting into it

Tags

blog award, Contemplation, Fear, Growth, Mirror to the soul, Release

There’s a place I’m trying to get to, in the recesses of my inner landscape. It’s sorta like that attic room no one visits any more. ‘Cept of course to store more stuff, completely ignoring and obstructing its original purpose.

I really know this place! And I know what’ll happen… oh yes… once I’ve pushed aside the cobwebs and detritus yet again, allowing dappled sunlight to find that sweet spot where, I’ll rest, contemplating the truest ideas I know.

Even thinking about it seems to cause a kind of shift in my outer world, let alone the relief as my heart breathes a sigh and my body’s meridians vibrate gleefully.

And when I do think about it, something briefly grows, thriving on the potential of what could be. It’s a lightning fast moment and I almost miss it, though very definitely I feel it, thrillingly.

Sort of like that hot and cold location game we used to play… You’re warm…now lukewarm… NO, NOW YOU’RE FREEZING!!!! Less freezing, not so chilly now…hmmm, warmer, warmer, warmer, BOILING!!! YES!!

Except… when I drift away, things aren’t just freezing. They get dull. Harder. Stranger. Confusing. Yet if my thoughts turn inwards, towards that place, even it’s if only a fleeting glimpse, I smell incense!! The songs of joy recommence and beguilingly, the siren song calls.

Not that I always answer.

Because… that’s commitment to some serious change we’re talking about. Change I always say I want. And let’s face it; I’m full of bravado, always taking risks. But they’re highly controlled risks, most of the time anyway.

I do want it though, something I whisper to myself in the dead of night… yet Fear whispers back… Just how irrevocable would it be?

For a moment, let’s consider the tricksy ways of the mind. Especially one that’s used to ducking and weaving to conceal things from the outside world. Do you think that talent for evasion works only on others? Hell, no! In some ways, it works best on myself, because the part of me that hides… knows the rest of me too well.

And so it’s always a challenge. Unless of course I can just surrender.

That’s what it’s all about you know, the stuff I study… yoga, meditation, philosophy. Surrender. Sounds easy in theory. And there’s so much I’ve already given up. Given freely. Said… Sure, I surrender, don’t need this prop any more.

And its all sunshine and roses, feeling lighter than clouds… til I find myself face to face with my biggest weaknesses. Those hamstringing bastards!

Just on the other side of my skin, part of the blood vessels and tissues, part of what’s made me who I am… that’s where my integrity flaws abide. Resting in my DNA, and their defence is so clever… Who, me? Noooo! I belong here. We’re part of the package deal... somewhat convincing for a while!

So the question is: Can I surrender my bullshit long enough to enter that fateful, entrancing zone… to ask those hard questions and not shy away from the answers? Can I then do what needs to be done?

Worked out recently, this battle is taking place on two fronts – internally, for sure. But then, externally I see I have a mirror. A human mirror. A mirror of humans. So… the battles I fight aren’t really about other people (no matter what I think), but my Self.

Oh!

Easy to be distracted by this and that, pain and sorrow and feelings. Feelings, getting in the way of an underlying resolution. Actually, they hold it all in place, suspended and unchanging. Afraid of change we are, afraid of the eternal implications…

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Been gettin’ some more award love of late… thanks to Ana and Brooks for thinking of me. 🙂

For those of you who don’t know Ana, she’s Brazilian, but writes in English (her second language). Just Ana is her main blog, and deals with issues of mental health, the over-use of medication and just… stuff! But she’s a busy lady, running Hella Heaven (visual art and funnies) as well!

Brooks is a yoga teacher from Chicago and I love what she’s doing with her passionate and thought provoking blog posts. I get such a buzz of kinetic energy from Brooks’ pictures (she’s often the model), and that gives me an appreciation for what it’d be like to hang out with her (kinda cool I’m thinking…)

~Svasti

Meaningless meaning

Tags

Abhasavada, Abyss, Contemplation, Depression, Hard questions, Insomnia, Life's purpose, Meaningless, Purpose, Surrender

Been struggling a little bit in the last couple of weeks.

Y’see, I’ve been hanging out with my old mate Depression.

But I’ve been trying to use that to my advantage, asking myself a lot of hard questions.

I wonder if everyone eventually gets to the point where they question their very existence? I know I have been.

All around me, I see people with a purpose, or at least it seems that way. I wonder if that’s really the case, though? My own experience suggests otherwise.

When you strip away all the things that we humans do – such as having a job, going to the gym, watching TV, exercising, meditating, spending time with friends, drinking at the pub, and so on… can you relate to yourself?

Do you define who you are based on the things you do? The roles you have in life? Do you believe that makes you who you really are?

If you’re suddenly not those things, does that make you a different person, or are you still you? Can you get by if that role is irrevocably gone? Does that make you less of who you think you are?

Are we really the sum of our experiences, or is that just Abhasavada (theory of appearance)?

We humans devise our own theories and call that reality. We try to get other people to buy into our reality, too. And because we don’t like to be alone, we buy in to both our own and other people’s, to varying degrees (which, is often the cause of conflict).

As human beings, we create meaning and value where, inherently, there isn’t any. We find reasons to do and to be, and we make that mean something about ourselves.

In some cases, that’s called making friends, working a job, having personal preferences, being a traveller, getting into fashion, writing a blog, or collecting teapots, to name but a few. In other cases, it’s called politics and/or organised religion. The list of ways we buy into various meanings is endless… what we say we are, what we say we aren’t… all of it.

Not that this is bad. It’s just part of the process of life.

Perhaps, it could be said that our desire to create meaning is part of the human condition of suffering? Sure feels that way sometimes.

But, when all of that breaks down, when it’s all stripped away, when all the meaning seems meaningless… what do we do then?

How do we find a reason to get out of bed in the morning? How do we find a purpose we can relate to that doesn’t seem contrived or pointless?

I have no answers… I wonder if there are any. Last night I didn’t get much sleep, my brain reeling while I  contemplated the seemingly endless abyss of meaningless meaning.

The only thing I’ve worked out is… just to surrender. The self to the Self. And remain open, hoping I can tap into something that makes sense for me within a sea of everything that doesn’t.

Because…

I want to matter to other people’s lives. Be of service. Be useful, in a way that really counts. But is that just an oxymoron?

~Svasti

2am Meditations

Tags

Breathe, Contemplation, Dakinis, Mandala, Meditation, Yoga

Musing for answers in stasis

Sitting whilst others sleep

Before me the mandala

Wisdom beings all

Light sparkling love

Sprinkle of dakinis

Singing, being

Breathe in

Mandala is my heart

Breathe out

At mandala’s centre

Interchanging like wind and space

Where do I start and end?

Not the borders of this flesh

Point of origin not found

It just always was

No answers or ideas

Except breathe and feel it

Sending love

Being love

Mandala is me

Molten heart-lava spilling over

~Svasti