Like Nadine, I’ve been awfully silent in my writing of late. It hasn’t worried me overly since there’s been so much going on. I’ve barely stopped spinning long enough to think about writing.
But Nadine’s post prompted me to write a little more here. It is March already. Wait, it’s almost April!
And I’ve committed to my Two Words for 2012: Healing and Acceptance.
So how am I going?
Pretty amazingly, really.
As I mentioned, I’ve found a Naturopathic Doctor who really gets where I’m coming from and has a deep understanding of Hashimoto’s. I kind of have a girl crush on her.
Right now, I’m entering week five of a six week cleanse process (gut/kidneys/liver) and that, combined with giving up sugar, ongoing kinesiology and being put onto better quality supplements is really starting to transform my health.
I know I’ve got a ways to go yet, but already I feel much less fragile. Brighter. Less fuzzy ‘round the edges/dragged down underwater (such are the joys of Hashimoto’s).
While I still have to keep tabs on my energy levels, I’m able to do more and cope with stress better. More like a normal person.
I’m also finding that I’m less reliant on some of the supplements I’ve been taking to stop myself from toppling over. In fact, last week I ran out of one bottle part of the way through the week. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get any straight away, and previously this would’ve sent me in to a panic. But now, not so much…
With my ND’s support, I’ve halved my thyroid medication, too. She even thinks there’s a good chance I can get off the medication all together!
I still might need more rest than other people, but I’m So Much Better. I can’t really explain what that feels like.
And then, one can also look at the word “Healing” and directly equate it with “Acceptance” and all that it entails…
This is a little harder to quantify: acceptance is more about feeling and inner work than anything else.
But eventually it shows on the outside, too. In how I perceive myself and how others respond to that self-perception.
As I’ve indicated before, there are a lot of things I have to learn to accept in order to be able to own Acceptance.
Like, OWN IT BIATCH.
I’m far from alone, of course. Wanting what we don’t have in every which way (physically, personally, financially, emotionally etc etc), self-loathing, poor-to-no self-esteem, emotional wounds that never got the proper care they needed to heal.
All of this stuff causes critical death blows to self-acceptance.
Being totally down with who we are.
Just us as perfectly okay, the way we are.
This is of course, all a part of the dualistic nature of the world; the illusion of separateness that is the root cause of the human condition of suffering. Which is a nice philosophical way to talk about it.
But in reality, for most people in this world this means a lifetime of feeling like they aren’t good enough. That they aren’t loveable or desirable. That they’ll never really be happy, even if they’re surrounded by all kinds of goodness. Grass is always greener and all of that.
As I said, I’m not alone. Everyone has their story and as clichéd as it sounds, working out how to love and make friends with yourself (the way you would with anyone else!) is the only way out of the Cycle of Crazy that is self-loathing.
And I’m not talking about the pseudo-acceptance of denial and pretend. I’ve been there, and it doesn’t work.
The only way to really get self-acceptance is to stop lying to yourself.
It’s a starting point, anyway.
Much of the work I’ve done to heal myself from PTSD has been about just that – brutal self-honesty and understanding. But there were still small pockets of self-loathing I was able to hold onto.
Specifically around my physical appearance and lovability.
Recently, a good friend asked me to explain my spiritual beliefs. My response was circuitous and long-winded, because I had to explain the difference between western-logic thinking and yogic thinking; which IS circuitous and contains ideas that sometimes contradict themselves (on purpose and gleefully so). I also had to explain that for me, it’s not so much about what I believe, as what I experience first-hand…
Which led to a conversation about all the things I’ve learned since being assaulted and how that incident really has led to real (and positive) change in how I see myself.
Which is when I realised that yeah, I’m on my way to self-acceptance.
I’m well on the way…
For example.
One of my little post-class rituals I hold for my yoga students is as follows: once we’ve finished our closing chants I ask them to keep their eyes closed/lowered and take a moment to honor themselves for coming along to yoga. I say – if the mood takes you, give yourself a great big smirk. Keep it internal if you like or let it spread to your face. Coming to yoga, I tell them, is an act of caring for your body and mind.
The more I tell myself and my students this, the more concrete this idea becomes.
~ Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 